All About Xuan..

Someone commented recently that i seem to have less update on Xuan in my blog.
I must say that it is definitely not deliberate.

Just that with Xuan, it is a very indescribable experience.
For one, his babble is currently limited to screaming for food, and "there!!" for everything, coupled with his signature hand sign. I must try to capture a picture of that. Think it is at the beginning of the video below.

For another, he is a very jovial and easy baby. And to an extent, i think that makes him sometimes, a pretty much overlooked baby..

As far as updates and photos go, there have been a few developments with him recently.

We started him on some classes some time back.. and now he is going to Kindyroo weekly.
It is a rather strange experience i must say.
In that class, there are only 2 - 3 babies, Xuan and Louis are Chinese and then Isaac (an Australian Chinese baby I think).
And then, the class has a mix of different activities but all aimed at strengthening the sensory experiences and preparing the child for gym activities later on.

Xuan is the most "steady" baby in the class, an absolute contrast to En at the same age.
He wonders around the gym and the class area on his own fours, exploring, crawling and even looking at other babies when he feel like it.

He does not stick to us like a glue. He takes new experiences quite well, whether its crawling beneath the parachute, or chasing after the bubbles or hanging from the monkey bars.
And for now, i revel in this reckless side of him.. and he has the looks and attitude to go with it.


Xuan is also very good at snatching things, namely from his older brother.
from the toys, to snacks. and everything else I guess..

xuan has the most marvelous laugh. It is something that never fails to make me smile. And even when I hear his chuckles in my head, a smile appears on my face. I just can't help it.

Then again, he is also a great actor. He has this special whining look - his eyes squinting hard, as if he is trying to squeeze tears outta his eyes as he tries to manipulate whoever to get him what he wants. Check out a video os his famous look here!



Even when he is sleeping, he makes me smile.
It is so uniquely him. How his head must lie on one of the many bolsters.
How his chubby feet touches the edge of the cot.
How he always looks so "boorish" like a big man, totally exhausted from his chores.



... Xuan is a baby that is hard to ignore. And definitely a force to be reckon with.
In each of his little, and endlessly endearing ways, he storms and chuckles his way into our hearts..

That is how I feel about Xuan Xuan..

Inspired by Kids..

You know it takes a lot of 'EVERYTHING' to live with kids..
if I have to count the 'Everything', i think i can blog for ages..

Well.. while it is, i can think of the following:

1. Patience. It is priceless

When En keeps demanding for a spoilt CD to be played, or when Xuan keeps crawling to the dustbin, it takes one tonnes of patience not to shout at them, and to keep taking Xuan away from the dustbin everytime he is near it.

2. Humor. It is the Armour to protect your Sanity.

Imagine having to put up with the following bizarre scene after returning from work one evening.

En: Eat hand, Papa Eat hand.
Papa: I don't want to eat hand. No.. no.*shrinking away from En's hand*
En: Papa, eat hand, eat hand! *thrusting his hand towards Papa's mouth*
papa: dun want, dun want to eat hand..
En: *stamping his feet and tearing, erupting into a tantrum* EAT HAND, Papa EAT HAND!
And so it went on for 15 minutes or so.

And there i was on the opposite sofa, rolling with laughter and unable to comprehend where En got his masochistic tendency from. There is just no other way of responding to such bizarre situations.

3. Self Sacrifice. To achieve a reasonable compromise.

It is a struggle to live your old life as it is without a compromise.
Something's got to give in the previous hectic life to cope with the kids' endless demands.

After a while, we just don't really feel it anymore.
And it makes us cherish what we can have or still hang on to.

4. Generosity. To be able to accommodate and overcome the huge doses of guilt.

We always feel guilty about something with the kids.
About not spending enough time.
Not stimulating them enough.
Not reading enough stories with them.
Not being more tolerant or more patience towards their antics.

The list goes on.. everyday, there is something to feel guilty about.
In order to live with the guilt, we need to be generous enough with ourselves to be able to forgive ourselves.

5. Ultimate Love.

It takes a lot of love to be able to withstand the kids' antics and still find joy in them.
It requires great love to be able to resolve whatever angry feelings that arise in us because of the kids, and to overcome them and love them as much as before, without any scars to the relationship.

And with 2 kids, it takes a lot of love to be able to love them equally. really equally, and without a tinge of comparison between the 2 of them. I am still trying to master that, and eventually I believe I will do it.

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And now that I have kids, I am very inspired to make every festivity an occasion for them.
Something that they will recall years down the road.
Something that is meaningful and nostalgic for them.

With the upcoming Chinese New Year, I am really inspired to do various stuff to make the occasion as joyous and festive as it can be.

hence, it is true that when one has kids, they make you try to be a better person, or simply aspire to be better for them. And every event is an opportunity to plant a seed in their memories, something that they will keep with them all their lives.

thus is the strange dynamics as a family.
And I am only made more aware of that now that I am a parent myself.

uNbAlaNCed

I want to declare that I am unbalanced after reading an article in Straits Times the other day!!!

Objectively speaking, I delivered 2 very cute, high spirited and decent looking boys.
I will rate my performance as 'Exceed Expectations' on this count.

So I wonder why ppl go on papers and say their husbands give them post delivery baby bonus.. in the form of luxury bags and watches!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I very unbalanced.
i keep wondering if I am short-changed.
Someone owes me big time for this... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuz moi bebe tres cute lor!
And i promptly deliver one after another lor!

So if performance is to be measured in the Institution off delivery, I sure is Dean's list material when it comes to motherhood lor!

UNFAIR!

Acceptance of suffering

Remember I mentioned that I was reading 'Buddhism for mothers' by Sarah Napthali?
And how I was distressed when i see or hear of kids suffering?

I found some sort of relief when i came across the following passage, and will like to share this with everyone..

'With technological advances, we live in an age of quick fixes, instant solutions and labour saving devices. With the help of millions of advertisements, we are lulled into the false beliefs that don't need to put up with any discomfort, anything 'negative', so we fight and resist discomfort, refusing to put up with it. We forget the first Noble Truth that there is suffering, that life is inherently unsatisfactory.'

'What made modern suffering especially painful is our belief that we needn't suffer, that we can't tolerate any discomfort and must stamp it out at any cost. We demand that life be other than it is, become attached to our vision of what should be, and feel intensely frustrated when our expectations are dashed.

yet what we fear and worry most is not so much a situation as the emotions it triggers in us. We worry about how a dreaded event will make us feel or about how much more worrying might be ahead of us. It's not the suffering, the unsatisfactoriness, that hurts so much as our aversions to it, the emotional struggle against the suffering. Instead of trying to control external details it might be worth investing more effort in examining our emotional reactions. This could be a far more effective way to diminish our potential to suffer.'

'to continue struggling against the inevitable only fuels our suffering and unhappiness'

You are Loved

We are very lucky, thanks to baby En..
Even though he is no longer in the care of Super nanny, En remains very close to nanny and family.

Nanny and family also miss En much and they will request for us to let En spend time with them for a day or half a day on some weekends. It works out pretty well for us, especially on days when our helper is on leave on Sunday and we have our hands full with En and xuan. Also, we get to spend quality time alone with Xuan without having to split our attention between the boys.

En enjoys going to the nanny's very much, and seems to view these days as a treat for him.
2 weeks ago, after a long time of not visiting the nanny, En finally had a day out with nanny and family. At the end of the day, when we went to fetch him, he was crying and kept asking us to go home, while he wanted to stay at nanny's house. He did not want to come home with us!

He was crying half the way home, and nanny was very worried..
She was worried that we will not dare to bring En to her place again, and she won't have a chance to see her "宝贝" again.
She also called later and asked us not to scold En, as she was worried that we will be angry with En for not wanting to come home.

We are quite amazed why she will think that way. I guessed she must have experience with insecure parents who either bar their kids who are close with the nanny from the nanny, or have seen parents scolding their kids for not wanting to go home from nanny's place.

And while I can understand that these actions may stem from insecurity on the part of parents, I cannot understand why parents should be jealous.

I am happy. Very happy and very blessed that En is so well loved.

The fact that nanny is willing to look after En even though we do not put him with nanny daily anymore, and that nanny refuses to take any form of token from us for taking care of En on some weekends says a lot about how much she genuinely loves my son.

Why should we feel threatened that my son loves his nanny and family , so much so that he does not want to come home? I am happy that he is well loved, and that he has fun with other people outside of the immediate family.

I feel blessed that En is showered with genuine love and care from nanny, her husband, and her 3 kids who all love and play very well with En. As parents, we should be confident and secure that our kids love us. I believe little kids are innocent and pure. In their world, loving the nanny does not mean that he loves us less.

We all have been kids ourselves. We have all indulged and we want that experience which is out of the norm for us; being at home with mummy and papa is normal. Nanny and family offers the out of the norm fun and experience. So if they are not prep well, of course kids will want to continue with these out of the norm interesting events as long as possible.

Hence, for the subsequent week, we again left En with Nanny. However, this time round, when Papa left him, Papa told En that Papa will fetch him at 8 o clock. True enough at 8 o clock we turned up to fetch him home and he did not to cry. He cried a while to signal his reluctance, but he then dutifully wore his shoes and walked all the way to our car, muttering at every step 'Dun cry dun cry'.

We were impressed, amazed ad touched. Despite his reluctance, En kept his promise to go home without crying even though it was obvious that he had a hard time tearing himself away from nanny. The next week, we did the same and this time round, En came home without even crying to signal his reluctance.

This is a collage that nanny's daughter made of En when they brought him out for dinner. I am grateful for all that nanny and family have done for En..
And I feel as parents, we should be confident that our kids do not love us less when they show love for others. And have faith that our kids will always love us, so long as we give them a reason to. And that is definitely not by being insecure, jealous or petty!

Baby Names

You know how bad I am with Names...
I struggle to remember respondents' names in my focus groups these days, sometimes I will call another person and look at him/ her expectantly, while he/ she will look quite blank and another fella at the other side of the sofa will hesitantly answer.. "er.. I am XX.." and it was hilarious!

These days I have a new problem..
I have problems remembering all the names of my friends' babies!!!
aiyo!

And of course it does not help that many kids these days have new age names.. ok.. to me there are 2 types of new age names.
Type 1: Those that sound v english, but spelt differently. E.g. Linda, but spelt Lynnda etc
Type 2: Ingenous names that are English sounding but can't be found in the English name book. Many of those around..

I was telling a friend that next time when En goes to school, I will have a hard time writing party invites, cuz I have to make sure I get the spelling right!

Names are important, and of course it is all personal preference.
For me, who have been mis-labelled and mis-pronounced all my life, through all the following scenarios, you know why I want proper, strng sounding names for my kids..

1. The teacher look at the class list and when it is my turn, gave a blank stare
2. Others visibly struggle to pronounce "meow-ling"/ "mia-ling" "mui-ling", while there I was, hoping she quickly get it right as classmates are all turning around to look at me.. I hate to be the centre of attention.. and if you think that is worst, well i have to then stand up and correct the teacher that it is Miew Leng and still having the teacher getting it wrong..
3. Even when they change to Hanyu PingYin, Miaoling was a struggle as many associate me with a cat.. the expat teachers had it the worst, as I grew older I got confident enough to feel sorry for putting them on a spot.
4. When I was young and out dating, whenever we meet new groups of friends and interesting guys, I hate it when guys gross me over because the name is too hard to get it right and it makes them look silly if they call it wrong.. imagine how crass was it to have to scream my name over the club music just so they get it..
5. And now when I am working, clients and people whom I meet for the first time, still struggle with my name. They always look at my name card, hoping that that spelling will help form an idea.. again it does not help the foreigners/ non Chinese.. even in emails, my name gets permutated endless times. The most hilarious has to be when a long time client who worked with me for over 3 years and she still insist on writing to me as "Mui leng" and calls me "mui leng".. even though I blatantly sign off my name in bold! In the end, my boss has to tell her casually once that my name is Miew Leng.. but I did not get to work much with her thereafter.. haa!


So you can imagine having gone through the above all my life, I don't want to put my kids through it with funny names. Inevitably, the Chinese names will be tough, but with the english names, I opted for being normal, rather than being outstanding.

So now that many friends have kids, I really struggle to remember all the names correctly. in case they feel i can't be bothered to remember their names..

I am thinking I need a little pink book for baby names.. haha! And i think the teachers of our times will have a tougher time too.. heehee..
How do you pronounce a name like "melvryan" ?

What Time?!

I had a surprise from En yesterday.

I was having my afternoon nap while the kids were napping as well
Then En and Papa came into the room and I drowsily awake, rather reluctantly..
En said "Mummy, wake up".

So I was trying to stall for more time to lie in, and I said
"Give me 5 more minutes ok?"

Then En went about exploring our bedroom...
Then Papa said "Come En, Mummy will come down later..."
I thought I ham gonna have a lucky break and I will not need to limit myself to only 5 minutes of lie in..

But En came around my side of the bed, taking the clock from my nightstand, and thrusting it at me while he said

"What time?"

My elder son had grown up.. boohoo!
Sometimes his logic and his way of thinking astounds me.
Perhaps, all along, we have always underestimated what he has been absorbing.
Well, at least I now know that En is mastering the concept of time.

I am Cry Baby

Every year I get post New Year blues, because I am so reluctant to let go of the past, especially when the past has been good...

2007 has been a great year.. mainly because i feel 2007 is the year in which I found myself again, and am at peace with myself again..

04 - 06 have been quite a ride, lots of ups and downs and I felt lost most of the time, struggling with multiple roles, expectations and adjusting to changes. And my spectrum of emotions range from utter grief and desperation to pure undiluted joy and intense gratitude.. And it is tiring...

Hence, I appreciate 2007 a lot. It offered stability which i never realise I desired.
It offered peace and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I was happy most of the times in 2007.. and NJ and I did not fight that much in 2007, I cant say more cuz i dun want to jinx it...

But most of all, 2007's beauty lies in the hopes that I experienced..
In 2007, i have been hopeful and optimistic most of the times..
And i am finally at peace with motherhood.

I feel that I finally found my place between the mad world of work, love, family, kids and everything.. and I really enjoy parenthood most of the times.. making me finally sure of my sentiments about motherhood.

It is that sense of peace and joy that comes with being a mother.
It is not pride.
It is not a burden.
It is just a sense of "rightness" about me and being a mother.
I am at peace with my status.

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The start of 2008 did not seem bad either. I passed my advanced driving test today, even though i was not really confident about it since i failed once before, and only started to study for it again last night..

thus, I am grateful.. I am on-route to being a driver - pedestrians beware!!!

Today.. on the train ride from Yio chu Kang to Holland, I was reading an article in Her World..
Well i bought the magazine to pass time and to catch up on fashion trends..

But I ended up almost crying in the train when I read the article about how a baby died in her mum's arms, barely a month. And I had recalled reading this real life Accident about the car park gantry at the Expo leading to the death of an infant last year..

And today I read about the mum's experience through it all..
And I wanted to cry.. because the image of a baby's funeral or the sense of helplessness of not being able to help or do more for the baby faltered me... I am confronted by our helplessness..

And i wanted to cry cuz i feel it too..
In a strange way, these things get to me these days..

This is probably the most significant change the motherhood has on me.
I have the urge to cry whenever I read or see babies in distress, baby in pain, kids in accident and of course ultimately death..

And what scares me most, is this.
If i feel so emotionally affected just reading about others' kids, or watching it on a fictitious story, I dunno how I can cope in real life..

And that scares me. Cuz I wonder if I will fall apart.
I wonder how I can be the same again..

And I am quite emo about that..
I keep saying how we should not be so emotionally attached to kids we that may hamper them, burden them, and one day they will leave us anyway to lead their own lives.

Yet these feelings insidiously creep onto us.
Unsuspectingly so.. Vulnerably so..

And I feel very indignant when I recently read about kids being abused, traded or abut slavery and child prostitution..

I feel that as adults.. we all have a choice, and we have a will that we can control.
As kids, they do not have much choice, and their will are not horned to cope with the world yet.
And so, they are entitled to our care and love.

And i feel very bad and upset when I read about kids not even getting basic survival needs met. And increasingly I feel I want to do something about it..

Call it karma, or a calling, getting into action for kids, is my resolution for 2008.
I believe in the innocence of babies..
I believe in the purity of kids...
That forms the foundation of the start of beings, and living..

And that is something so precocious and precious that is worthy of our protection and celebration.. And it is my cause for 2008.

I can't cry forever whenever I am confronted by an incident, an accident, a disaster involving a kid. If I had helped, in any of my little ways, at least I know I am doing my part.

I can't guarantee a beautiful for my kids always...
But in whatever little ways that help, I want to contribute to making the world as beautiful as it can get.