Thursday, August 28, 2008

Being afraid

Was watching Season 4 of Grey Anatonmy .. I am crazy over the show, even though I really cannot stand the gore and blood. But the stories and the philosophy astound and intrigue me..

And in one of the episode, I got enlightened by the following exchange..
A paramedic was suffering from severe injuries, and thought he was going to die. And he kept delaying the some complex treatment procedure that Meredith was going to implement because he said he wasafraid and he did not want to die afraid.

And Richard (the boss of the hospital) said the following:

"It is alright to be afraid.
We are afraid because we still have something to lose..."


And in that instant, I feel as if someone turned on a switch in my brain.
Yes, it is indeed insightful. We are afraid and we fear because we have something to hang on to.

Recently I happened to listen to this song by 光良, "不会分离"..
And it is haunting.. :)

bu hui fen li

Monday, August 25, 2008

About destruction and perversity

Been reading some stuff and thinking some stuff.. seems like my mind space has been very busy and occupied.

One thing led to another, and I ended up re-calling this incident back in Secondary school.
We had a Chinese test/ mock exam that day…
And as usual, the last minute me is cramming for it..

And in panic and frustration, I just tore up those pages of Chinese text and throw them into the school pond. And I gave up the test, determined to just write nonsense in the paper. And I did.. figuring that if I cannot do well in it, I may as well just do the reverse. And I failed the test horribly, just the way I wanted it.

That, unfortunately, is not the first time I gave up in advance.. or engineered my own failure.

Sometimes, for some things, I aim for perfection. If I know something is less than perfect or will be marred, I take it upon myself to destroy it first. Rather than to sit around and wait for the bad news.

I think I can be destructive, yes.
Not only destructive, but deliberately destructive.

That explains why I needed so much counselling when I was in JC, to pull me back from the dumps.. Cuz thinking back, I think that was what I was doing, I was deliberately trying to destroy myself, my life and my future when I was in JC.

It is a perverse streak. Kinda like, if things are not gonna be the way I want it, or I can’t be what I want to be, then I will go all out to make it worst, destroying it myself and doing as much damage as I can to it.

The scary thing is: I realize I am still like that. And I saw it once in Xuan Xuan too, young as he is.

He was playing with his toy puzzle, and when he could not get them to fit, he ripped the rest of the puzzle apart and throw the pieces all around. Maybe he was just expressing his frustration. He is still very young after all.. But when I saw him do it.. I can perfectly understand why he did it. In his helplessness, the only control he had was to destroy.

In my desire for control… sometimes I deliberately damaged some things. Like relationships.

If I can’t have it the way I want it, sometimes, consciously or more often, unconsciously, I start to create trouble, or withdraw or give up on the relationship.

To have this realization is a good start, but it does not mean I am any better at handling it. I think I am into my usual bout of being difficult, creating trouble and giving it a reason to fail.

Human beings are complex that way, sometimes.
The perverse thinking is intriguing, if you can look at it objectively speaking.

What can be done to reverse the perversity?
Maybe if the rewards are rich enough, motivating enough. Cuz for me, to want something bad enough does not seem “enough” for me.

Because I know wanting something, and getting it are 2 very different things.
You want something does not mean you will get it.

And in my case, if there is no assurance that I will get it, then to justify the failure on grounds that I can reconcile with, I destroy it. Yes, even if I have to justify the failure on my destruction. That is better than having to cope with something that cannot be explained or flimsy consolations offered, e.g. “You are just unlucky.. things happen, it is not your fault… nobody could have anticipated it”

No, I cannot cope with the un-explained. Or the odds.
So I configure and engineer my own odds.
Even if it points towards failure.

Scary? I think it is. Very. Especially when I can see it insidiously working. When I start thinking about certain things in ways which is sure to bring about failure.

Sometimes, I think I am so capable of being a walking disaster. All the best to me.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Love - Your Archilles Heel is Temptation

This must be the 3rd time in a space of a short month or so that I have heard stories of betrayal.

Another friend broke up with her long time partner, as the guy knew a younger, prettier chick.
And my friends are of a mature age.. they are not young people experimenting with love.

So, I reckon betrayal happens across all ages, from when you are a teen and your puppy love idol dumps you for the next prettier chick, to when you are in your 30s, 40 when your partner or husband leaves you for another woman, to even when you are in your 60s when your old man leaves you for another younger chick.

The pattern seems the same, so much so that it is predictable.
Men just can't resist temptation, can they?
No wonder my mum used to tell me this: 男追女, 隔个山, 女追男, 隔成纱

And one of my male friends has the following analysis:
- the expectations that females have of males have evolved and changed across times. A guy used to only be successful to attract a gal, but now the guy needs to be successful + have looks + be sensitive +.. a lot of other things.. to nail the gal.

-But the expectation that males have of females does not seemed to have changed - just preferably a hot chick with a pretty face and a hot bod.

I rolled my eyes then, and summarised that we females, as a species, have gotten more superior, while the men as a species have remained un-evolved and stagnated.

In the context of love and betrayal, I think female also expect a man to be faithful - but apparently from all these recent stories, these men are just not equipped to remain faithful.
(of course another of my male lunch kakis who worships his wife like mad, will say I am generalising all men based on a small selective sample)

I mean, if females have higher expectations of males, and even the men are feeling this way, then the males may feel pressured and feel that he is not easily getting chicks and that he is inadequate.. and hence, the moment that temptation presents itself, males' ego become inflated..

The mentality that
"These days, it is harder to get chicks.. and yet all this/ these chicks are falling for me, or there is this opportunity for me to hook up with this chick who finds me acceptable and adequate, what a rare chance in times of difficulty". Hence, males then make the move to hook up with the gal, just to massage his pressured and stressed ego that it is not that difficult to hook up with gals, or "How good I am to be able to achieve what other men find difficult".. that is when betrayal sets in..

Betrayal is the men's cure/ solution to the pressure of females having higher expectations of him - if my male friend's hypothesis is correct.

Hence, I am inclined to think that man can only be faithful when the level of temptation does not exceed their threshold of tolerance. Beyond a certain point, yes there is a tipping point and that is when betrayal sets in. after all, how many man can seriously say no to numerous number of women. And the more sure the man is, that he will not stray, the more likelihood that he will one day fall beneath the skirts of another female (literally). Cuz his ego in his ability to fend off temptation is also his blind spot, that he often may not see when the devilish temptation has hit them.

Of course, you can argue that a man needs to be really lucky to have met that much temptation, and if he is so lucky to meet such numerous times of temptation, then he has to be an idiot not to succumb right?

Well, in some situations, i think some men are faced with more temptation than other men.
So if we think of this in the augmented extreme sense, maybe these poor men who have been exposed to temptation time and again, are the sorry victims. That it seemed written in their fate that they will fall...

So where does that bring us - those who are shackled to these men?
I am not so sure. I have an extreme theory - that we woman, should perhaps, behave like the men and stop putting love on a pedestal. And start decoupling love with sex.

Cuz, if we are able to do that, the next time our man sleeps around, we can shrug our shoulders and say, well, that is life. And we won't feel betrayed cuz we do not own the other being. Being in love is NOT equal to sleeping with another person. These are how some men who stray think.. I love my wife, but I also appreciate other women. But not many women can do that. But perhaps, we ought to start evolving that way.. as a coping mechanism. That way, there may be more equality in the way men and women look at love and treat a relationship.

Well, conceptually, I think that is a great coping mechanism, but it does not mean that I, will be able to do it. Perhaps we are too old to be evolved.

Last Sunday, or the week before, Sunday Times ran an article of men who leave their families here in SG for women overseas.. and these females hire female investigators to track and find their husbands. I was jokingly telling NJ's cousin.. If I were the woman, I will not hire the investigator, I will hire an assassin! :)

Stories of betrayal are sobering. And maybe especially now, when I am especially sensitive to it.
In my mind, I need to have a plan for the worst case scenario. That is how I cope in life, plan for the worst and pray for the best...

My problem is, I have no plan. And it vexes me no end. I felt like I am being held ransomed.
No, it is not just the preg hormones. It is a real situation in this world of real temptation.

That is why the world is so interesting.. no one will know what tomorrow will bring. And we are kinda hedging our bets as we go along.

ultimately, someone told me, we women, we have to be strong. That is the best insurance we can buy - a self protection mechanism.

It is in this world of flagrant temptation, where betrayal seems increasingly the norm than not, that ideal of true, wholesome love is so aspirational. I mean, if somehow there is a way in which everyone is given an guarantee that love will last forever, then love, as a notion in itself will not be so powerful and mythical anymore, will it?

爱- 美在于它的幻影
爱- 贵在于它的罕见
爱- 你的敌人是诱惑...


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Counting down to 再见

Today, I just realise there are only 15 more days before i have to bid hubby goodbye..
And only 10 more days before hubby has to say good bye to the kids..

Where did all the days go?
再见 - 很简单的两个字, 但埋藏了多少不舍与无奈..

What does it all mean for hubby?...

  • It means hubby will not hear Xuan Xuan utter his first Papa, when Xuan Xuan finally gets around to speaking..
  • It means that come next month, hubby will not get to count the tiny fingers and see the tiny imprint of the cute baby foot at the 5 month ultrasound scan.. nor trace the growth of baby through all the subsequent scans..
  • It means hubby will not feel the first flutter of our baby's movements or see the little ripples he makes across Mummy's tummy..
  • It means hubby will have to remotely view En's ecstatic joy over his 3 yr old birthday cake and blowing of the candles...
  • It means hubby will not get to sit with the kids and momo beneath our Xmas tree this Christmas for our annual family photo
  • It means hubby will not see my weight shoot past the 60 kg mark on our weighing scale
all these moments and more...

Somehow we always take such things for granted sometimes.. until the time comes for goodbye..

However, to look at it positively..

没有离别的惆怅
哪有欢聚的兴奋
漫长无奈的等待, 想换回的
是下一次的相聚...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Thank you for a Wonderful Evening

Dearest En...

This evening is one of the nicest i have had for a long time. And Mummy wants to say a big thank you again.
Although it was only a simple dinner, and the usual bedtime story, you have made it a wonderful night because you were just being yourself, the usual sensitive, curious and excite-able boy that you are..

For the past 2 weeks, there are times when you have been really boisterous. You seem to really love your imaginary guns and are shooting them with loud "Bom Bom bom" at everyone. The fights you and Xuan Xuan got into are hard to break up sometimes. And those times have been trying.

But tonight, it has been very nice simply because it was a peaceful evening, without fights and tears. Papa and i had thought that you are still in your terrible twos phase, but you surprised me this evening by reverting to the usual En that i know well and missed. None of the terrible two tantrums or demands.. maybe you just want a quiet evening with Papa and mummy too?

We went to Cafe 211 to have dinner, since you said that you want "to go shopping to have dinner". Papa ordered spaghetti to share some with you (as you already have your dinner) , and you also wanted to have some "cold cold orange juice".

When the orange juice came, you looked at the empty plate and asked "Where is the food?", looking bewildered. You are still learning the concept of time and duration, and I told you it will come soon. While Papa went to buy the mosquito zapper from the store while we waited for the food to come, in those moments, it was only the 2 of us. It was a lovely moment for me.

You and me seated across the table, as we talked and waited for the food to come.
When the food came, you ate the spaghetti all by yourself, and drank your orange juice using the straw. It was not too much of a mess except some noodles on the table and the red and orange-gy rim of spaghetti sauce around your mouth. But you used the fork and the spoon very well, nicely putting them aside when you wanted to drink your orange juice.

As we ate, in between your repeated question of "Where is Papa", you also told me about you fighting with Xuan Xuan in the day, and acted some more with your imaginary gun - shooting it at me, while i rolled my eyes at you, only to earn your mischievous grin. And we had a debate on who used a gun, and if the bad man used agun too. You adamantly shook your head and said a firm "NOooo! the soldier use the gun, bom bom bom!"

Some waiters walked past, doing a double take, at 2 of us, seated across from one another, having our meals and our conversation. Yes, it is almost like a date. You probably will not have much recollection of this years from now, but I will always remember this. This precious moment of our dinner date, between a mum of 31 and a boy of barely 3. And you were very adult throughout, saying "no" to my question of whether you needed help scooping the slippery spaghetti onto your spoon. The only thing I needed to help you with was to scoop more of Papa's spaghetti onto your plate and making the noodles shorter.

Halfway through the meal...
"I want a tissue" you said. Thinking you wanted to wipe your mouth, Papa passed it to you, only to have you attempt to wipe up the mess of noodles around the plate. This is our tidy En in action. After Papa helped you clear away the noodles, you happily resumed eating your spaghetti again.

Tonight, you said that you wanted to read the book of "101 words" - a book filled with photos of items and their names - much like a pictionary.

I jokingly asked you to read it to me instead, since you seem to have mastered most words in the book, and you gamely took it in your lap and said" Mummy, i read to you".

Starting with a photo of stones, you pointed to it and said "Stones... and I went to a seaside, and have a basket, and we have banana and food in the basket and we have a picnic". You were telling me about this imaginary picnic you have. And you told me also of the yummy fruits that you want to show me, flipping back and forth through the pages.

And you asked me if the picture of banana "is straight or crescent"? It took me a while to decipher the word 'crescent' (which sounded like 'passion', but when I did, I may have laughingly corrected you which I hope did not hurt your feelings. I know you did your best and I am really impressed with the words you used, the questions you asked and the stories you told me based one each of the different photos.

As I sat there, looking at you fervently flipping through the pages, pointing out one photo after another, and listening to you telling me stories, pointing out words, asking me questions, I was hurtled back to the days when you were only less than a year old when we first bought this thick thick book... And we were seated much the same, but it was me turning page after page, pointing out the pictures and reading out the names of the pictures to you, while you only looked on intently, never showing a sign if you would ever articulate the word or even understood the words that I was saying.

But today close to 2 years later, I know.
You have always understood what what I was saying. And today, you pointed to me the same pictures, saying the correct words and even embellished them with stories, comments and questions.

It is one of the most enjoyable stories i have ever heard. And from you, en en, when you are barely 3 year of age. Thank you for such a lovely good night tale, mummy really enjoyed it.
Then you proceeded to your nightly routine of calling Papa "NengJie" to pat you to sleep.
It is a habit which I hope you will stop, it sounds very strange for you to call Papa by his name, even though you said it so endearingly.

You had also told me you wanted to name Baby, Ye-Bao -Bom.. given your love for your imaginary gun used by soldiers.. it is a lovely thought though we will be hard pressed to find the right chinese word that will correspond to that BOM..

We had thought you were going through the terrible two phase again. We were exasperated with you numerous times last week. But today, mummy realised that maybe you just wanted attention from us, and to spend time as you used to, with only Mummy and Papa, without having to share with Xuan Xuan and little baby.

Yes, we probably overlooked how telling you about little baby may have affected you too.
But tonight, with just you, me and Papa, you have shown us again, that you are really a lovable and adorable boy. And we have every much enjoy these times with you, each and every nuance of it.

Thank you, Baby En, for a most wonderful night. One that I will cherish for keeps.
I love you lots
Mummy

Monday, August 18, 2008

Baby Boy III

back dated entry.. so much these and that cluttering my mind i actually forgot this announcement that will entertain many with incredulous laughter.

Ok, the verdict is out, we are gonna have a Baby boy III.
yes, you have my permission to offer us your condolences and comfort.
Unbelievable hor..
I grow up in a household of women, except my dad.
My parents wanted all their lives to have a son, simple cuz my paternal relatives are medieval people who believe only guys are good for something.

and here we are, only wishing for one gal.
My mum said she went to the 观音庙 to draw a lot on whether we are expecting a daughter some time back, and the response from the gods were it is all written in fate.

Well, frankly I am not that disappointed.. cuz there is more certainty in a boy than a gal, after all i ve the experiences of 2 to go by. I save a lot of money in recycling toys and clothes. Not to mention some hand me downs from Nj's cousin.. who all have boys... I just miss buying all the cutie ballon pants and gingham tops for baby gals.

I am just amazed.. well.. my gynae says i can be prepared to have 3 daughter in laws.. OMG. That is enough for me to declare to hubby we are gonna retire in a swanky tiny studio apartment..

I just wonder what will NO. 3 bring?
Any more surprises? after all some will say 1 boy is like another boy..
I will wait and see.. it will be interesting if he will look like gor Gor 1 or Gor gor 2.

for now, the bigger dilemna is in the name.
We really did not kid when we say we have no more names and yet still have to go with the family tradition in naming.
Can't imagine? let me give you an illusration of the kind of difficulty the 保 is giving us.

Like i like 保宇 - ala uphold the universe, grand and nice right? But it sound like abalone if you read it in English.
How about 保哲 - uphold philosophy. but my dad says the surname is 叶, so its sounds like breaking the leave 叶保哲. No good.
I like the range of 保凯 - in hokkien, it sounds like definitely will spend - a spendthrift, or 保熙 in hokkien which sounds like sure die - bao-xi-4. All cannot obviously.

Even the simple upholder of happiness, 保乐 can be mis-construed as 饱了!
then you have the host of gambling jokes that can be formed..

bao赢, bao胡 majong, bao中 toto, bao山bao海.

So i conclude, whatever the name is, it will be bao-drama!
Well, if you have any brilliant thoughts, let me know..
originally I was so happy with 保哲, so I have the series of upholder of gratitude, upholder of literacy/ knowledge, and upholder of philosophy.

i really want an upholder of GLORY.. any thoughts.. let me know!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Unstabilise...

Originally it started off ok..
With Melanie gone, and Papa and mum/ MIL to look after the kids..
The it started to go hay wire..

and it all started because these care-givers just went ahead and screw up the kids' time table..
The more antsy the kids are, the more comforted they are by routine.
But do these people understand that?
Not a bit apparently.
For the last week, the meal times are screwed up, the sleeping hours are screwed, even the meals themselves are screwed.

Since i can't take care of it all.. i decide to just give up and let them handle the mess that they started.

And some stupid ppl still have the cheek to be angry.. when their own un-doing started it first.
I wonder if the simpler solution will have been to hire 2 maids who can handle idiot proof instructions and not try to play or act smart by screwing up the kids' routine which we took years to build and enforce.

But these mindless ppl apparently cannot understand.
Then, there are the useless people.. who cannot cook kids meal, and cannot cook decent adult food without it being fried or stewed in oil..

I think if we can't provide stimulating care for the kids, the basic is to stick to the meal and sleep routine. Is that so damn hard?!

And me.. well, in my current state, I am simply not up to fighting, or even try to undo the shit that happens. just being angry saps the energy out of me. and coming home to kids who have not been fed, who are late in their meals, not bathed or not prepared to sleep at the usual times pissed me off no end.

i need the routine as well.. and i need the childcare, functional part of it to be routine and as per the time-table.. instead of having to put up with battles such as I do not want to eat, I do not want to bath, I do not want these and that.. which are things that are always done on routine.

if the tasks are done on schedule, it does not breed resistance cuz the kids are used to the routine. But when you give them a chance to skive or skip one of those tasks, or delay the implementation of the task, then of course the kids stall, and cook up excuse and try to whine and cry their way out of it.

Simple psychology like these, these ppl cannot understand.
What is wrong with just keeping to the routine?

And not to feed sugar loaded carbo to the kids.. which also encourage the kids to be more hyper and energised than they are.

In times like these, I just give up.
it takes too much effort to care, and i can't undo the entire week of screw ups.
and for those who screw it all up, let the suffering enlighten them perhaps.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Sports Day II - Footages

En's event with papa...



En's first event..

Friday, August 08, 2008

En En's first sports day

As I watch the Olympics opening ceremony, I am editing and uploading pics taken this morning during En's first sports day.

I thought it is pretty apt that this term's activity is Sports day, and on the same day as the start of Olympics as well! The theme for this semester is Sports and cumulates in a sports day event for the kids.

It is held at the Turf Club field, a shaded soccer pitch which is very nice.
The kids have 2 events each, an event with their friend and another with their parent.
Prizes were then awarded to the winning team and consolation for the teams that lost.
It was all good fun, and it is very interesting to watch some of the clueless young kids being encouraged to go through the event.

En En did the first event with the support of his teacher running alongside him, and he fell on his face during the child and parent event. But he did better during that event with NJ, running his best, and I caught that on video. Not too bad for his first sports day and he seems happy with his prizes.

I think it is rather cool for to be there cheering him on for his first sports day. More of that to come, and I realise how time is "compressed" for kids these days. In our days, we only have our first sports day in Primary school. Now they have it from N1! amazing. Wonder what new things they have in Primary school now.

I find these moments really precious, little memories to be stored away to be recounted in the future.

For now, here are the photos, while I will post the actual race photos in another entry.

En looking Glum, as his classmates have not arrived yet.




















Our athletes from the Lims and Yap family.















Waiting in between the games..




















Waiting to run with Papa..




















Prizes all round!!
























































Some of his N1 classmates!















His favorite friend and cousin, Bing Bing, at the playground while the adults have brunch after the sports event..

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Bonding with Xuan Xuan..

When Melanie left, we anticipated that Xuan Xuan will feel the impact most. And we will have problem with him. Thankfully, we have managed thus far.

Turned out that he is as adaptable as always, and it allows us a chance to really bond and know him better..

I saw him pout very cutely for the first time yesterday - when he made his pacifier dropped on the ground while we brought my dad to the doc last night. Instead of wailing, he just dropped his head on my shoulder and pouted, his lips trembling as if he wanted to cry but know it is not right to cuz he was after all, responsible for losing his pacifier. And he looked absolutely adorable pouting it made my heart melt for him.


Other times, he is his usual jolly laughing self, always dancing to tunes, holding our hands and dragging us where he wants us to.

He is a very easy boy to love now, his jumbo of babble is amusing and his expression and smiley face always lighten my heart.

At the same time, he causes my heart to skip a beat whenever he tried to crawl on high places, run and experiment with all the dangerous stunts. Thus far, he already has a nasty gash on his knee that was just recovering, but he had to go and scratch the skin off causing it to be red and raw again. and then, he fell again with another scar closely near by.

That is my gung-ho boy. And he is ever affectionate in his own way, liking to lie in our laps, or hold our hands or stay close to us. But most of all, I think he loves his bed best, refusing to get out of bed in the morning when he wakes up, and preferring to lie in bed resting and tossing till he is ready to get up... and that is our little boy!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

天长地久

I got misty eyed when I read this entry ' 简单的关怀' by Dairies of a Shopping Mama Queen. How I envy her MIL, and what a sweet old man her FIL is!!

And when I recently heard about a friend's partner of 10 years walking away from the relationship, and subsequently from the grapevine that the man is seeing another girl in his office, I wonder how is it that some couples stay together and remain in love for life, while others find it easy to forsake all the years of relationship for a new, novel experience?

To stay in love, and express in different simple ways the love, seems really hard.
How do you honestly comfort someone when her partner can throw 10 years of relationship away in a blink of an eye, without much apparent rhyme or reason?

My friend still does not know about the 'real' reason which compelled her partner to break off his relationship with her. And she is wondering if she wants to fight for the 10 years of past or o let go and hope all the best for the future...

What determines that 2 persons can stay always in love and together?
Whatever, if..
In 30 years time, if hubby still remembers my favorite food and my favorite song, I will die happy! Maybe even as simple as remembering to hold hands, dun walk too fast, and stay by my side, I shall be grateful!

I must remember to stay in love with hubby and not lose sight of that goal!

My wish for perks..

I read that the government will be announcing new measures to help families cope with kids and to stimulate the birth rate for Singapore once again.

I have also read various accounts of complaints of singles who complaint about how they feel discriminated with these birth promoting measures offered. One common complaint is the additional work load when pregnant females go on maternity and unfairness of work allocation with mums. I can no longer empathise with these females, and even if I am single, I don’t think I will begrudge the state for handing out incentives to promote more births. And ULTIMATELY, IT IS A MYTH THAT MUMS DO LESS WORK at WORK. Dun even try to get me started on that account..

I mean if I don’t want to give birth because of my whole host of reasons, why must I begrudge what is given to those who want to? Essentially, childbirth is a personal matter, and yes the State may be interfering with something that is of a personal choice, but no one really gives birth simply because the state says we ought to right?!

Sometimes, I am appalled at the self-centredness and selfishness of people. The “What I can’t get (because I don’t want to) also means others should not get it too!” attitude is selfish. Period. Can us mums complain that the single woman climb the corporate ladder faster than us? No, cuz it is a choice and trade off we make. We may not like it, but we have to decide what is more important to us! So I don’t understand why single females have to betray their own sex by grousing about fellow females who go on maternity leave and get “perks” for childbirth, it is not even fair compensation for the loss of career opportunity lor!

Ok, I rest my case, cuz I so find this topic distasteful.
What I want to blog about are my wishes for the new measures.

I don’t need longer maternity leave, of course 4 mths will be good to have but not necessary for me.
Additional CDA top up is not necessarily very helpful either..
What I really want is more childcare leave. With more parents putting kids to childcare, and some earlier, and all the HFM and diseases spreading around, the childcare leave are not even sufficient for MC and for parents to stay home with kids on sick days.
We dig into our own leave to take care of sick kids, and we use our own leave to spend quality time with kids. And we do not have leave left for spouse or for ourselves.

So I think more childcare leave will be much welcomed for both dads and mums. That is all I ask and what will make me happy.

Anyway, this is the 3rd day since Melanie goes on home leave..
Hubby stays at home to look after the boys along with my mum. Xuan Xuan seems to be coping well, no apparent missing of Melanie as I feared.
And I work till 3 everyday for these 2 weeks, so I can be home during the “peak” period in the evening.. A bit tough for Hubby and mum who have to get up at 6plus but I think we should survive.

In times like these, I appreciate the flexi work arrangements. I think companies should really have less red tape and regulations around it so mums do not feel so guilty all the time!

Friday, August 01, 2008

童年物语 always En-Maze me!


One of the things I really appreciate now are the conversations I have with En. His simple words, and his child logic give me fill me with immense joy and satisfaction, and more importantly, it gives me a glimpse of the world he is in.

Some times he asks the most serious questions, e.g. when he first the learnt the power of “WHY”

En: “Mummy, why you must go to work everyday, Why?”
On day after I came home late, around 8 plus close to his bed time, he asked
“Mummy, why you come back so late? Why?”

These are questions that made me think and filled me with self awareness of my role as a mum. And the answers to these questions are tough.

Other times, we ask silly questions and talk about different topics to help him expand his vocab and learn his Mandarin.
Over my dinner last night, En sat with me and share bites of food with me, with him relishing the mushroom and fish that I am sharing with him.

As he ate all the mushroom, we had the following conversation:
Me: “En, are you a mushroom boy?”
En: “Yes, I am a mushroom boy”
Me: “How do you say that in Chinese?”
En: *thinking for a while” “我是蘑菇boy!” and grinning broadly.

Knowing that En is sensitive towards our feelings, we always like to tease him into making a choice between who he likes best. Clearly, Papa is always no. 1, but over time, somehow he knows that it is a trick question that we are throwing him, so we always ended up having this conversation..

Me: “So, who do you like better, mummy or Papa?”
En: *grinning and shyly* “I like Mummy and papa, and aunty Melanie and di-di”
Me: “But who you like best?”
En: “I like mummy and papa and aunty Melanie and didi”
Smart boy! I adore his sensitivity and his game spirit to know when we are teasing him and playing the game again and again with us.

His child logic is what really intrigued me. Last night, over sharing my dinner, he was fiddling a slim long box which he used as his imaginary gun. He was pushing it around, throwing it and using it to unstablise anything that he can reach with his ‘gun’.

As he had other toys lying around, I said:
"En, you are a good boy and you will keep your toys away afterwards right?”
En: *shaking his head* “No, I am a naughty boy, I still want to play with them.”

There are times when he is totally challenging.. his irrational crying tantrums, his pushing and pinching of di-di or refusing to share his toys with di-di.

But I always told myself that it is important to look for the good things to highlight as strengths to him.

My helper is very protective of Xuan Xuan, and usually she will complain and account to me all of En’s mis-deeds that happended during the day. En hears them, and I always fear that his sensitivity will lead to some bottled up sentiments. So I started the counter initiative of looking out for opportunities to let him know that I appreciate his strengths in different ways..

  • He always remembers his di – di when he buys snacks or ice-cream, saying”one for me, one for di-di”.
  • He is generous in sharing his snack with di-di (can’t say the reverse is true, when it comes to food, Xuan xuan does not like to share).
  • Occasionally, he will give in to di-di and let go of his toys and offer them to di-di.
  • He remembers to ask di-di to come along when we go out
  • He is a good “reader” and his favourite book is “The bad-tempered lady bug” by Eric Carle. Ever night, he wants to read that before he sleeps, and his favourite lines are "

"Hey you, want to fight?” says the bad tempered ladybug. “If you insist” says the other animals”. And when I mis-read fireflies as butterflies, he will correct me, “No, no mummy, not butterflies..”

Most of all, on occasions when I need his cooperation, most of the times he will do as per my request, especially when I say I am tired, sad or angry. I appreciate that sensitive and caring aspect most of all..

After all, we named him 保恩 in hopes that he will have the 心 (as in the word 恩) to uphold gratitude.

Followers