Letter Without Stamp

Recently I experienced one of the most awkward heartfelt moments in my life.. I lost touch, literally lost the contact, of one of the most important persons in my life..

I have known Him for over 10 years, since I was in college.. subsequently we corresonded via letters when He moved back to his native country. (Email was outta qn as he was still trying to learn how to navigate the net and I love to read his funny drawings and handwritten letters anyway). He is one of the most important persons on my life, with one of the greatest impact on my life, aside from my parents, and i never realise this more acutely than when I am a parent and now a parent to be again.. I am who I am today, really because he had believed in me and was there through the difficult, rebellious college days when my parents really did not know how to handle me...

He is like my 3rd parent, and I saw this more starkly when I read Steve Biddulph's book on The Complete Secrets to Raising Happy Children.. In an age back then when we were brought up by parents who were not so into displays of affection, praise and time spent listening to the troubled minds, He was ahead of his time in all this modern age parenting psychology.. He dedicated his life to the kids he taught and his favorite cats.. and back in those days, when parents are apt to blame and scold the kid into decent behavior, his form of nurturing was a refreshing balm to our troubled souls..

And a very troubled soul I was at the age of 17/ 18.. it is that age of rebellion, it is that age where i am trying to find and understand a sense of self, and he was there to provide the right guidiance and assurance by believing that we are not beyond redemption..

He listened without judgement and censorship, and I felt free and safe to voice whatever i was thinking, things that would have appalled my parents could be communicated to Him for advice and opinions cuz He provided the assurance that His love for me will not lessen because of what i said or think.. He provided insights to the difficult choices we face by trusting that we will make the right choice for us, and by believing in us, He also made us believe in ourselves and cherish ourselves more..

Years after college, though our correspondence was infrequent, He is often in my thoughts:
- When I am happy, I said Thank you for making this possible
- When I am sad, I wish i have the strength and your strong belief in me to carry on, as I do not want to disappoint you..
- when I was getting married, I wish you have been here to witness this
- when I was having my first born, i so wanted to name our child after you...
- when I come across books of people who have made a difference, I wish to tell you again what what difference you have made in mine..

Now that I am a parent, many a times, I find myself thinking I want to be just like him for my kids.. and discovering that He had moved without any of my contacts knowing where He has moved to filled me with anxiety.. I hope it is not because age has caught up with him, I hope it is not cuz He has left us, but the thought of not knowing what happened was difficult to cope..

What i want to say to him is like a letter written but without stamp, i cant send this letter out, and this sense of helplesslness is akeen to a huge loss.. a loss that does not have a closure because of the unknown.. I hope one day I will be able to fix a stamp for my letter to Him.. and I hope that day does not come too late..

Grey's Anatomy - Be Touched

As my fren Bak Chew wrote it in her blog before, Grey's Anatomy is simply great! I have been a follower since the first season, and am avid fan.. Usually i dun like the hospital shows, ala ER kind, as i can't stomache the bloody & gory scenes.. Even now, there are numerous times that i watch Grey's Anatomy between my fingers.. but this i endure as I love the meaningful plots and musings, i love the witty conversation, the sound tracks are divine and the cast are solid, WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE!!!

However, last night's episode, Damage Case, for the first time, had me crying.. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones, but I am finding it much harder to stomache scenes of premature babies.. last night's episode showed a pregnant mum who had all her insides all messed up in a car crash, and while all the brilliant docs were trying to re-arrange her insides, and baby remained alive in her. ..

Well, I learnt a fact, (i hope it's a fact), that a baby can stay alive for max of 5 mins in the womb after the mum has died... and yes, the mum did not pull through the mega surgery but her baby survived, thanks to intern Alex.

When I saw the tiny baby placed in the incubator, somehow tears just started to flow.. from a mum or mum-to-be-again perspective, such scenes are heart wrenching. And I really love Grey's Anatomy for depicting these and the varied human emotions starkly... these greater issues of love, hate, forgiveness are all augmented in these episodes...

And the image of the dad's hand caressing the baby through a tiny opening in incubator really got to me.. and that tiny hand.. everything about a baby is so TINY. And yet, everything that they inspire in us are so GREAT- the great awe, the great love, the great wonders, of course, at times maybe, even the great pain... For such a Tiny bundle, babies do bring some Great joy..

In 3 more months I am due to savor the arrival of a baby.. I must savor it - the great, the good, and even the baddest, for it may really well be my last chance to feel first hand THE moment..

En's Outings (I)

With boys, it is sometimes quite hard to stay cooped up at home. Esp. these days when En moves around so much and is often up to mischief with dangerous stuff, no matter how hard we try and hide the wires, block the fan. shut the doors to the cupboards..

If he is not trying to test the limits of danger, he will be hiding his balls and building blocks underneath the sofa and cupboard, and in my current preggie state, it is too much effort to keep hunting for these treasures, no matter how much he likes the game..

Well, I always believe that novel experiences augment the brain - something like an extreme stimulation to the brain perhaps, well ..so on fine weathered days, we have brought him to the beach and to the gardens.. I thought he will be excited with Sentosa, given he always can't seem to get enough of playing with water during his bath-time..

Much to our surprise, En was not excited at all by the beach.. he seems to find the sand dirty and was hesitant to lay his hands on the sand.. well, i suppose i should be thankful that for once, he was not putting everything that he touched into his mouth.. but more surprising was his seeming fear for the sea water.. we tried to place him by the edge of the water and he was not impressed at all. So much for novel and stimulating experiences...

Still, I am not giving up.. I am of the view that the outdoors do babies a lot of good.. well, when En starts going to school, he will spend half of the day cooped up in classroom, when he progresses to work, he will spend 3/4 of his time cooped up in the office jungle (unless he really chooses the alternative career such as tram driver in the zoo? etc). He will never be the kampong boy for sure, but he should see more of this world beyond his cot and playpen in our tiny flat... and this I will try to make happen..

Chasing Cars

Well, the theme of CAR seems to be quite salient in our lives recently...

Baby En has his brand new toy car that he whizzes around in, though our tiny flat probably did not offer much room for any Fast and Furious driving..

We are struggling with limited space in our car when we have our parents on outings with us.. and I wonder how we can cope when Baby 2 arrives (BTW, he is called Baby 2/ X cuz his parents cannot make up our minds about the name, and he is very likely to remain Baby 2 till birth at this rate haha!)

Then there is this song that refuses to go out of my head - Chasing Cars... The song and its meaning resonate quite well at the moment..

"We 'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything, or anyone
If i lay here, If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world...

Forget what you're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into Life

Let's waste time chasing cars
Around our heads..."

At the moment, I am quite contented to just be where I am, and enjoy the daily simple joys of live, living and let live.. no targets to chase, no ladders to climb, no battles to fight...

Just relish and savour what we have at the moment.. and i am trying to forget the numerous insinuous "rules" we live by daily... and Enjoy the satisfaction and joy yielded from little things such as finding that violin album i have been looking for, finding that book which I am dying to lay my hands on.. sometimes we just need to break free from the routine and whatever we have been feverishly chasing.. and take stock of what we have instead, and in a way I am glad that having babies has allowed me to do that... kinda forced me to slow down if you look at it..

So there are the babies - Baby en and Baby 2/X - both growing fine and well.. en seems to be contented just to just crawl around and trying to stand - we are now waiting to see when he will take his first baby steps.. well, it does seem a bit ironic that he is driving even before he has learnt to walk!!!

Every night when I see him in his cot, i cant help thinking how fast time has flown and what a sturdy boy he is growing into, and right before our eyes.. and while I will be so glad to complete my child bearing national "replacement" duties before i turn 30, i just have this niggling feeling that somewhere down the road, i will begin to miss these moments now which is passing by so fast!! Carp Diem Carp Diem indeed! and perhaps it really wont be very long before i will be preoccupied, instead, with chasing Baby en....

Jay Chou and Boyz

As the hardcore Jay Chou fan, I am now listening to his latest album "Still Fantasy" and it made me think quite a bit about Jay Chou and raising Boys...

I have always been a Jay Chou fan, as a girl, I appreciate his musical talents and love his "bo-chap" attitude.. in the past albums, the references to his mum and some of his socio-polictical stance also made me feel that he is more than your run of the mill usual pop idol..

And contrary to his rebel, bad boy, bo chap image, i feel his songs demonstrated depths of emotions and thoughts (well, Ok not all lyrics are written by him, but his faithful partner Fang Wen Shan), still for someone to identify that talent in words must mean something..

In this album, that is a song 听妈妈的话 (Listen to Mum) written by him (listen to that on En's JukeBox!), with themes of protecting mum and not hurting her... which led me to think that just cuz a boy looks rebellious, it may not mean he is not capable of a close releationship with his mum..

If my boys turn to punk and rock, walks around recalcitrant with a bad boy attitude - should i be worried? Not necessarily - I am thinking.. true, they may not be the meterosexual or the expressive mummy's boys, that does not mean their emotional links to me may be any less right?.. in fact, when i look at Jay chou and the subtle ways in which he has expressed how much his mum meant to him and how aware he is of a mum's love and sacrifice for their children, I am impressed with the depths and subtlety of the emotions..

Often, still water runs deep, this must be what it means.. for boys and men, having a strong character and attitude are important.. being able to stand firm on issues and matters are quintessential.. and of course there is the idealistic vision of the male as the protector of females (oooh, the feminists are gonna kill me, but..) yeah! it will be great to know that my boys cherish and are protective of me..

As a gal - I absolutely adore Jay Chou, and now as a mum, I appreciate the understated and subtle glimpses of his relationship with his mum...

Sometimes we hope our children turn out to be of the usual mould with the usual traits - happy, expressive, contented etc etc.. well, from Jay Chou, I am beginning to think it is important that we have faith in our kids, no matter whether they fall out of the "angelic kid" mould or not..because ultimately love comes in all forms , even in bad boys with a rebel attitude...

Raising Boyz...

I grew up in a household where the ratio of females: males is 3:1. I am the daddy's gal and my dad is a gentle man, stubbborn as a mule sometimes, and has all the absent minded traits of a male at times... which sometimes aggravates my mum and us no end, still he is one good man.

So when i hear that my second kid is gonna be a boy - i am not sure how i can cope.. now i am thinking of raising a few GOOD men.. howz.. The ratio in our family will now be 3 males: 1 lone female (ala me and not counting momo..)! Hubby and I were hoping for a gal to complete the family.. And not withstanding that, we now have to now crack our brains to find a nice name that goes with Yap Bao - X (all contributions welcomed), having a second boy is really giving me quite a bit of jitters..

I went to buy a book "Raising Boys" to try and understand what it takes to parent 2 boys.. what are boys' needs and what kind of childhood will help mould them into gentle, responsible and charismatic men? Hubby is an only child, so a household of 2 boys will be a novelty to him too..

Well, it seems like having an important role model in form of a dad is critical from 6 yrs onwards, and having a community/ mini society that will nuture him into living with others, will help from age 14 onwards.. well the book cites anthropological references to age old tribes who understood this concept betta than us modern man - SO that's why there were those rite of passage for boys to move into manhood, and they are mentored by tribes elders (as opposed to parents).. sor des....

well.. the good side of this is I will always be the QUEEN and Princess in the family, by virtue of my gender.. i shall teach the boyz to pamper me (that is before they start pampering their girlfrens) and i figured i should never have to carry the grocery bags, fix the lightbulb and do any of those elephant tasks with 3 men around the house.. hmmmm... sounds nice doesn't it.. :) I wish!

Cookie Moster

En is really quite an eater.. he prefers his meals to milk, and solid to liquids..

We started him on cookies just recently, quite late in fact since the labels on most biscuits for babies state that they are for babies of 7 months or later..

He relishes his cookies though most of the time, he seems to be trying to understand the concept of eating and swallowing.. it can be quite heart stopping to watch him navigate the cookie in his mouth, hoping fervently that he will swallow the moistened cookie easily..

Yet, these little moments are a joy to watch and celebrate - a celebration of how far he has come from just a liquid guzzling baby to one who is chewing now.. Oh my cookie monster.. how i adore thee!!! i can't wait to feed you tiny bits of your first birthday cake -what an achievement that will be!