All About Xuan..

Someone commented recently that i seem to have less update on Xuan in my blog.
I must say that it is definitely not deliberate.

Just that with Xuan, it is a very indescribable experience.
For one, his babble is currently limited to screaming for food, and "there!!" for everything, coupled with his signature hand sign. I must try to capture a picture of that. Think it is at the beginning of the video below.

For another, he is a very jovial and easy baby. And to an extent, i think that makes him sometimes, a pretty much overlooked baby..

As far as updates and photos go, there have been a few developments with him recently.

We started him on some classes some time back.. and now he is going to Kindyroo weekly.
It is a rather strange experience i must say.
In that class, there are only 2 - 3 babies, Xuan and Louis are Chinese and then Isaac (an Australian Chinese baby I think).
And then, the class has a mix of different activities but all aimed at strengthening the sensory experiences and preparing the child for gym activities later on.

Xuan is the most "steady" baby in the class, an absolute contrast to En at the same age.
He wonders around the gym and the class area on his own fours, exploring, crawling and even looking at other babies when he feel like it.

He does not stick to us like a glue. He takes new experiences quite well, whether its crawling beneath the parachute, or chasing after the bubbles or hanging from the monkey bars.
And for now, i revel in this reckless side of him.. and he has the looks and attitude to go with it.


Xuan is also very good at snatching things, namely from his older brother.
from the toys, to snacks. and everything else I guess..

xuan has the most marvelous laugh. It is something that never fails to make me smile. And even when I hear his chuckles in my head, a smile appears on my face. I just can't help it.

Then again, he is also a great actor. He has this special whining look - his eyes squinting hard, as if he is trying to squeeze tears outta his eyes as he tries to manipulate whoever to get him what he wants. Check out a video os his famous look here!



Even when he is sleeping, he makes me smile.
It is so uniquely him. How his head must lie on one of the many bolsters.
How his chubby feet touches the edge of the cot.
How he always looks so "boorish" like a big man, totally exhausted from his chores.



... Xuan is a baby that is hard to ignore. And definitely a force to be reckon with.
In each of his little, and endlessly endearing ways, he storms and chuckles his way into our hearts..

That is how I feel about Xuan Xuan..

Inspired by Kids..

You know it takes a lot of 'EVERYTHING' to live with kids..
if I have to count the 'Everything', i think i can blog for ages..

Well.. while it is, i can think of the following:

1. Patience. It is priceless

When En keeps demanding for a spoilt CD to be played, or when Xuan keeps crawling to the dustbin, it takes one tonnes of patience not to shout at them, and to keep taking Xuan away from the dustbin everytime he is near it.

2. Humor. It is the Armour to protect your Sanity.

Imagine having to put up with the following bizarre scene after returning from work one evening.

En: Eat hand, Papa Eat hand.
Papa: I don't want to eat hand. No.. no.*shrinking away from En's hand*
En: Papa, eat hand, eat hand! *thrusting his hand towards Papa's mouth*
papa: dun want, dun want to eat hand..
En: *stamping his feet and tearing, erupting into a tantrum* EAT HAND, Papa EAT HAND!
And so it went on for 15 minutes or so.

And there i was on the opposite sofa, rolling with laughter and unable to comprehend where En got his masochistic tendency from. There is just no other way of responding to such bizarre situations.

3. Self Sacrifice. To achieve a reasonable compromise.

It is a struggle to live your old life as it is without a compromise.
Something's got to give in the previous hectic life to cope with the kids' endless demands.

After a while, we just don't really feel it anymore.
And it makes us cherish what we can have or still hang on to.

4. Generosity. To be able to accommodate and overcome the huge doses of guilt.

We always feel guilty about something with the kids.
About not spending enough time.
Not stimulating them enough.
Not reading enough stories with them.
Not being more tolerant or more patience towards their antics.

The list goes on.. everyday, there is something to feel guilty about.
In order to live with the guilt, we need to be generous enough with ourselves to be able to forgive ourselves.

5. Ultimate Love.

It takes a lot of love to be able to withstand the kids' antics and still find joy in them.
It requires great love to be able to resolve whatever angry feelings that arise in us because of the kids, and to overcome them and love them as much as before, without any scars to the relationship.

And with 2 kids, it takes a lot of love to be able to love them equally. really equally, and without a tinge of comparison between the 2 of them. I am still trying to master that, and eventually I believe I will do it.

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And now that I have kids, I am very inspired to make every festivity an occasion for them.
Something that they will recall years down the road.
Something that is meaningful and nostalgic for them.

With the upcoming Chinese New Year, I am really inspired to do various stuff to make the occasion as joyous and festive as it can be.

hence, it is true that when one has kids, they make you try to be a better person, or simply aspire to be better for them. And every event is an opportunity to plant a seed in their memories, something that they will keep with them all their lives.

thus is the strange dynamics as a family.
And I am only made more aware of that now that I am a parent myself.

uNbAlaNCed

I want to declare that I am unbalanced after reading an article in Straits Times the other day!!!

Objectively speaking, I delivered 2 very cute, high spirited and decent looking boys.
I will rate my performance as 'Exceed Expectations' on this count.

So I wonder why ppl go on papers and say their husbands give them post delivery baby bonus.. in the form of luxury bags and watches!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I very unbalanced.
i keep wondering if I am short-changed.
Someone owes me big time for this... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuz moi bebe tres cute lor!
And i promptly deliver one after another lor!

So if performance is to be measured in the Institution off delivery, I sure is Dean's list material when it comes to motherhood lor!

UNFAIR!

Acceptance of suffering

Remember I mentioned that I was reading 'Buddhism for mothers' by Sarah Napthali?
And how I was distressed when i see or hear of kids suffering?

I found some sort of relief when i came across the following passage, and will like to share this with everyone..

'With technological advances, we live in an age of quick fixes, instant solutions and labour saving devices. With the help of millions of advertisements, we are lulled into the false beliefs that don't need to put up with any discomfort, anything 'negative', so we fight and resist discomfort, refusing to put up with it. We forget the first Noble Truth that there is suffering, that life is inherently unsatisfactory.'

'What made modern suffering especially painful is our belief that we needn't suffer, that we can't tolerate any discomfort and must stamp it out at any cost. We demand that life be other than it is, become attached to our vision of what should be, and feel intensely frustrated when our expectations are dashed.

yet what we fear and worry most is not so much a situation as the emotions it triggers in us. We worry about how a dreaded event will make us feel or about how much more worrying might be ahead of us. It's not the suffering, the unsatisfactoriness, that hurts so much as our aversions to it, the emotional struggle against the suffering. Instead of trying to control external details it might be worth investing more effort in examining our emotional reactions. This could be a far more effective way to diminish our potential to suffer.'

'to continue struggling against the inevitable only fuels our suffering and unhappiness'

You are Loved

We are very lucky, thanks to baby En..
Even though he is no longer in the care of Super nanny, En remains very close to nanny and family.

Nanny and family also miss En much and they will request for us to let En spend time with them for a day or half a day on some weekends. It works out pretty well for us, especially on days when our helper is on leave on Sunday and we have our hands full with En and xuan. Also, we get to spend quality time alone with Xuan without having to split our attention between the boys.

En enjoys going to the nanny's very much, and seems to view these days as a treat for him.
2 weeks ago, after a long time of not visiting the nanny, En finally had a day out with nanny and family. At the end of the day, when we went to fetch him, he was crying and kept asking us to go home, while he wanted to stay at nanny's house. He did not want to come home with us!

He was crying half the way home, and nanny was very worried..
She was worried that we will not dare to bring En to her place again, and she won't have a chance to see her "宝贝" again.
She also called later and asked us not to scold En, as she was worried that we will be angry with En for not wanting to come home.

We are quite amazed why she will think that way. I guessed she must have experience with insecure parents who either bar their kids who are close with the nanny from the nanny, or have seen parents scolding their kids for not wanting to go home from nanny's place.

And while I can understand that these actions may stem from insecurity on the part of parents, I cannot understand why parents should be jealous.

I am happy. Very happy and very blessed that En is so well loved.

The fact that nanny is willing to look after En even though we do not put him with nanny daily anymore, and that nanny refuses to take any form of token from us for taking care of En on some weekends says a lot about how much she genuinely loves my son.

Why should we feel threatened that my son loves his nanny and family , so much so that he does not want to come home? I am happy that he is well loved, and that he has fun with other people outside of the immediate family.

I feel blessed that En is showered with genuine love and care from nanny, her husband, and her 3 kids who all love and play very well with En. As parents, we should be confident and secure that our kids love us. I believe little kids are innocent and pure. In their world, loving the nanny does not mean that he loves us less.

We all have been kids ourselves. We have all indulged and we want that experience which is out of the norm for us; being at home with mummy and papa is normal. Nanny and family offers the out of the norm fun and experience. So if they are not prep well, of course kids will want to continue with these out of the norm interesting events as long as possible.

Hence, for the subsequent week, we again left En with Nanny. However, this time round, when Papa left him, Papa told En that Papa will fetch him at 8 o clock. True enough at 8 o clock we turned up to fetch him home and he did not to cry. He cried a while to signal his reluctance, but he then dutifully wore his shoes and walked all the way to our car, muttering at every step 'Dun cry dun cry'.

We were impressed, amazed ad touched. Despite his reluctance, En kept his promise to go home without crying even though it was obvious that he had a hard time tearing himself away from nanny. The next week, we did the same and this time round, En came home without even crying to signal his reluctance.

This is a collage that nanny's daughter made of En when they brought him out for dinner. I am grateful for all that nanny and family have done for En..
And I feel as parents, we should be confident that our kids do not love us less when they show love for others. And have faith that our kids will always love us, so long as we give them a reason to. And that is definitely not by being insecure, jealous or petty!

Baby Names

You know how bad I am with Names...
I struggle to remember respondents' names in my focus groups these days, sometimes I will call another person and look at him/ her expectantly, while he/ she will look quite blank and another fella at the other side of the sofa will hesitantly answer.. "er.. I am XX.." and it was hilarious!

These days I have a new problem..
I have problems remembering all the names of my friends' babies!!!
aiyo!

And of course it does not help that many kids these days have new age names.. ok.. to me there are 2 types of new age names.
Type 1: Those that sound v english, but spelt differently. E.g. Linda, but spelt Lynnda etc
Type 2: Ingenous names that are English sounding but can't be found in the English name book. Many of those around..

I was telling a friend that next time when En goes to school, I will have a hard time writing party invites, cuz I have to make sure I get the spelling right!

Names are important, and of course it is all personal preference.
For me, who have been mis-labelled and mis-pronounced all my life, through all the following scenarios, you know why I want proper, strng sounding names for my kids..

1. The teacher look at the class list and when it is my turn, gave a blank stare
2. Others visibly struggle to pronounce "meow-ling"/ "mia-ling" "mui-ling", while there I was, hoping she quickly get it right as classmates are all turning around to look at me.. I hate to be the centre of attention.. and if you think that is worst, well i have to then stand up and correct the teacher that it is Miew Leng and still having the teacher getting it wrong..
3. Even when they change to Hanyu PingYin, Miaoling was a struggle as many associate me with a cat.. the expat teachers had it the worst, as I grew older I got confident enough to feel sorry for putting them on a spot.
4. When I was young and out dating, whenever we meet new groups of friends and interesting guys, I hate it when guys gross me over because the name is too hard to get it right and it makes them look silly if they call it wrong.. imagine how crass was it to have to scream my name over the club music just so they get it..
5. And now when I am working, clients and people whom I meet for the first time, still struggle with my name. They always look at my name card, hoping that that spelling will help form an idea.. again it does not help the foreigners/ non Chinese.. even in emails, my name gets permutated endless times. The most hilarious has to be when a long time client who worked with me for over 3 years and she still insist on writing to me as "Mui leng" and calls me "mui leng".. even though I blatantly sign off my name in bold! In the end, my boss has to tell her casually once that my name is Miew Leng.. but I did not get to work much with her thereafter.. haa!


So you can imagine having gone through the above all my life, I don't want to put my kids through it with funny names. Inevitably, the Chinese names will be tough, but with the english names, I opted for being normal, rather than being outstanding.

So now that many friends have kids, I really struggle to remember all the names correctly. in case they feel i can't be bothered to remember their names..

I am thinking I need a little pink book for baby names.. haha! And i think the teachers of our times will have a tougher time too.. heehee..
How do you pronounce a name like "melvryan" ?

What Time?!

I had a surprise from En yesterday.

I was having my afternoon nap while the kids were napping as well
Then En and Papa came into the room and I drowsily awake, rather reluctantly..
En said "Mummy, wake up".

So I was trying to stall for more time to lie in, and I said
"Give me 5 more minutes ok?"

Then En went about exploring our bedroom...
Then Papa said "Come En, Mummy will come down later..."
I thought I ham gonna have a lucky break and I will not need to limit myself to only 5 minutes of lie in..

But En came around my side of the bed, taking the clock from my nightstand, and thrusting it at me while he said

"What time?"

My elder son had grown up.. boohoo!
Sometimes his logic and his way of thinking astounds me.
Perhaps, all along, we have always underestimated what he has been absorbing.
Well, at least I now know that En is mastering the concept of time.

I am Cry Baby

Every year I get post New Year blues, because I am so reluctant to let go of the past, especially when the past has been good...

2007 has been a great year.. mainly because i feel 2007 is the year in which I found myself again, and am at peace with myself again..

04 - 06 have been quite a ride, lots of ups and downs and I felt lost most of the time, struggling with multiple roles, expectations and adjusting to changes. And my spectrum of emotions range from utter grief and desperation to pure undiluted joy and intense gratitude.. And it is tiring...

Hence, I appreciate 2007 a lot. It offered stability which i never realise I desired.
It offered peace and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I was happy most of the times in 2007.. and NJ and I did not fight that much in 2007, I cant say more cuz i dun want to jinx it...

But most of all, 2007's beauty lies in the hopes that I experienced..
In 2007, i have been hopeful and optimistic most of the times..
And i am finally at peace with motherhood.

I feel that I finally found my place between the mad world of work, love, family, kids and everything.. and I really enjoy parenthood most of the times.. making me finally sure of my sentiments about motherhood.

It is that sense of peace and joy that comes with being a mother.
It is not pride.
It is not a burden.
It is just a sense of "rightness" about me and being a mother.
I am at peace with my status.

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The start of 2008 did not seem bad either. I passed my advanced driving test today, even though i was not really confident about it since i failed once before, and only started to study for it again last night..

thus, I am grateful.. I am on-route to being a driver - pedestrians beware!!!

Today.. on the train ride from Yio chu Kang to Holland, I was reading an article in Her World..
Well i bought the magazine to pass time and to catch up on fashion trends..

But I ended up almost crying in the train when I read the article about how a baby died in her mum's arms, barely a month. And I had recalled reading this real life Accident about the car park gantry at the Expo leading to the death of an infant last year..

And today I read about the mum's experience through it all..
And I wanted to cry.. because the image of a baby's funeral or the sense of helplessness of not being able to help or do more for the baby faltered me... I am confronted by our helplessness..

And i wanted to cry cuz i feel it too..
In a strange way, these things get to me these days..

This is probably the most significant change the motherhood has on me.
I have the urge to cry whenever I read or see babies in distress, baby in pain, kids in accident and of course ultimately death..

And what scares me most, is this.
If i feel so emotionally affected just reading about others' kids, or watching it on a fictitious story, I dunno how I can cope in real life..

And that scares me. Cuz I wonder if I will fall apart.
I wonder how I can be the same again..

And I am quite emo about that..
I keep saying how we should not be so emotionally attached to kids we that may hamper them, burden them, and one day they will leave us anyway to lead their own lives.

Yet these feelings insidiously creep onto us.
Unsuspectingly so.. Vulnerably so..

And I feel very indignant when I recently read about kids being abused, traded or abut slavery and child prostitution..

I feel that as adults.. we all have a choice, and we have a will that we can control.
As kids, they do not have much choice, and their will are not horned to cope with the world yet.
And so, they are entitled to our care and love.

And i feel very bad and upset when I read about kids not even getting basic survival needs met. And increasingly I feel I want to do something about it..

Call it karma, or a calling, getting into action for kids, is my resolution for 2008.
I believe in the innocence of babies..
I believe in the purity of kids...
That forms the foundation of the start of beings, and living..

And that is something so precocious and precious that is worthy of our protection and celebration.. And it is my cause for 2008.

I can't cry forever whenever I am confronted by an incident, an accident, a disaster involving a kid. If I had helped, in any of my little ways, at least I know I am doing my part.

I can't guarantee a beautiful for my kids always...
But in whatever little ways that help, I want to contribute to making the world as beautiful as it can get.

Kiss from a Daughter

One of the chipmunks told me that he is an avid reader of my blog - accompaniment for breakfast. I m honored - well, at least what i write seems to go on well with breakfast! Since our friend cannot understand Chinese, I changed the tune to an ang moh one, in reciprocation for his "subscription" to my blog. Must be quite unbearable to hear Jay Chou yeah!
It also relates well to the current blog entry..

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One Christmas Eve, I had a revelation. And it struck me rather hard.
And it all stemmed from a kiss from daughter.

We had a great Xmas eve party at NJ's cousin's place across the estate.
The kids love the company and tonnes of toys:

En was playing with Bing Bing, and the 2 of them keep shouting Ah-Bee-Ya like a secret code between them. When they see eachother, instead of saying hello, they say Ah-Bee-Ya to each other. Dun ask me what it means.. beats me

We discovered Xuan Xuan likes HUGE vehicles. As in really big cars, with big wheels and moves. Definitely a masculine interest. We approve.

Ah kim and Wee-ku's food are great, the ham was delicious and i love the pizza from Cicada's. But the real highlight came after dinner...

From a surprise Santa Claus' visit - impersonated by NJ's cousin.
But it is a very unusual Santa, lanky, and in contemporary attire of black vest, red sweater and sunglasses! And he moves like a robot and speaks like a puppet!

It was hilarious. Then again, this is the same cousin who performs and entertains his kids with private "Ra-Ra show" where only kids can attend... I will never think a business minded man in the mid 30s to have so much humor and be so sporting. Such fatherly acts bond the kids, leaving them with precious memories that can never be erased.

Some of my fondest memories of my parents are of them playing with me, scaring me or doing really sweet things for me. And they never go away.. like insidious molecules they sipped into me and remained.

I really think NJ's cousin is quite an exemplary father, a male figure who does not only work and provide for the family, but IS the heart and soul of the family, keeping them together and creating and building memories for the kids.

That is one discovery, but what really touched me was just a simple act which happened as this modern Santa hands out the presents to all the kids and elderly family in his robotic voice and actions..

When he handed the gift to his only daughter (there are so many more boys), he demanded a kiss from his daughter. And when the daughter shyly kissed Santa on his cheek in giggles, i felt an impulse to cry and had to look away.

Cuz in that short single moment, I realise the bond between a dad and a daughter is different and sacred. Boys and mum, and Boys with Dad and Girls with mum, are different from Dad with Daughter.

My father adores me when I was young, and I know that feeling. I remembered his wet eyes as he put on my wedding veil and I was indescribably touched. I will always be daddy's girl.

And when i witness that simple kiss, i realise what NJ is missing.. esp since he has always wanted a girl. Even when we were dating, he always had a soft spot for baby girls.

The bond between father and daughter is unique.
Hence, I have been contemplating about having another girl, perhaps... or trying...
cuz having a baby girl will mean a lot for NJ I suspect...
And really complete our family picture perhaps?


Hence, I have been thinking hard..
Follow my heart?

counting the little blessings..

The journey of time is amazing..
I vividly having confinement food during Xmas last year, and now, we just celebrated Xuan's birthday a week ago and i am now blogging as the 2 boys are fast asleep, after an eventful Xmas eve party... and i am back to enjoying the christmas gatherings and parties!

Have not manage to blog much recently primarily

1. Getting ready for the festivities.. festives with kids inevitably means more work.
2. As usual, juggling with year end rush of work
3. Xuan and En were both really sick after Xuan's birthday party.. En just recovered and Xuan still have erratic fever..

But the days have been really eventful...
We lost our camera cable, so I will save Xuan Xuan's birthday bash for another day, complete with visuals..

These few days, I have been reflecting and thinking about how we need to consciously look for our little blessings..

I was with NJ and Xuan at McD at Forum a few days ago and saw an episode which got me thinking..

Leads are a lady who is obviously pregnant, her husband and her young daughter, probably slightly older than Xuan.

The man was passing money to the lady and asking her to go order food.
And the lady was loudly berating how the man never helps out and everything that he does ends up booched and she has to be the one to complete it.. especially how he never looks after their daughter properly..

And there I was with Xuan, and waiting for NJ to come back with food..
And I was thinking, this lady is pregnant, why cant the man have gone and get the food instead?

And i realise how I have taken a lot of things for granted..
I have a husband who..

1. goes to the market weekly to buy fresh food and fish for the boys..
2. allows me to sleep in while he wakes up early for the kids
3. lets me to sleep thru the nites when the kids wake up or are fussy..
4. carries my grocery bags for me (which I always thought is what men ought to do)
5. buys my meals for me, so much so I hardly know how much a Mcd meal is anymore..

and he realy tries his best to make me and the boys happy..

I always thought these gestures are "what men ought to do"..
But sometimes when i look around, i find these gestures rather exceptional as they are probably not the norm...

and yet I have kinda taken it for granted.. when one does a reality check, I realise I need to count my little blessing..

I also need to count my blessing with the kids..

You can always hear me saying how naughty and impossible my 2 boys are.. and once, En's nanny actually reminded me - if the kid can be naughty it is good, it means the kid is active and smart...

i dunno about the smart part, but it is true that I need to be thankful that I have v spirited boys who have minds of their own even at a very young age..

Recently Xuan and en's recent bout of serious flu got me thinking, that we have even always taken the boys' health for granted, and when they fall seriously ill and uncomfortable, it is really a pain seeing them suffer and cry.. That in itself is an experience...

Of course one of the most overlooked blessing is the gift of our parents..
I always complain.. I think that is my singular greatest weakness..
But no matter what, it is indeed a blessing to have both sets of parents who are together, and who are well and fit and to care for my kids so I can continue with wk.

That in itself is a blessing.. something that I often take for granted.
Sometimes, we need to really stop and take stock..

One sociologist said in his book, that people feel good when they see others in misfortune, that is the basic core of human psychology. Ugly as it may sound, it is unfortunately true sometimes, if we are brutally honest with ourselves.

We do not and should not feel good about others misfortunes, but we should always remind ourself of the realist perspective... that the greater world out there is full of misfortune and people with bigger problems with us.. Our lives may not be always smooth sailing as it is now.. so we do need to cherish the present..

Sometimes, i think being around ppl who are too similiar or better than us skew our perspective a lot. We think the world is made up of all these lucky ppl.

Look further afield, and we are more likely to find differences rather than similarities. and that in itself is reason to count our little blessings..

All about talking - speech from the heart..

Like I have mentioned in one of my earlier entries, how things learnt at work can sometimes be applied to kids if we think hard about it.. I recently have 2 more discoveries that I will like to share..


But before that, I need to declare what a struggle it is to be a working mum, especially a working mum whose job entail quite a bit of travelling...

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I love to travel, especially alone.. it gives me the time to think, to reflect and to explore my own interests.. and I also like the distant love thinggi.. I feel closer to NJ when I travel, cuz he is always in my thoughts and it is a time in which I treasure and appreciate him more, as it made me realise how much he is a part of my life..

Hence, i love my job, though the peak preiod which entails me to live practically outta a suitcase moving from 1 hotel to another is increasingly undesirable as the travel fatigue sets in..

But I love having travel as part of my job, it fulfills me very much..

Then I have kids.. that is when i realise I do not enjoy the travel as much as before..

In the past, every hotel room i go to is fascinating, as I imagine sharing it with Nj the next time we travel together.. but now that I have kids every hotel room is like a box keeping me away from my kids..

I am now blogging from a sinfully indulgent hotel room, but the room means nothing to me.. nothing to my soul; it is as if having kids has changed the components of my heart and soul. I am no longer intrigued by the superficial luxury of a hotel room, not when the room does not have the spirit of the kids..

This trip is especially bad, because I was sick when I had to go away, En was also sick and I had to leave him in the care of others, others when it sould have been my role. My job.

And worst, I was rushing the presentation at the conference, cleaning up my slides and the amendments etc, and I could not even bring him to the doctor. And I feel so bad. It should not be this way. As a travelling working mum - am I a bad mum? I dunno but I feel bad...

But the most amazing thing happened on this trip too.. for the first time, En had a conversation with me on the phone!

Me: hello En En, hello
En: hello mummy (prompted by papa)

Me (excited!): hello En En, how are you? I will see you on thursday when Mummy come home with an orange elephant ok? 好不好？
En: 好
Me: I love you En En, can you say 我爱你？
En: 我爱你
Me: I love you so much, and I miss you! Ask papa to bring you to the airport and I will see you on Thursday ok?


.... and my heart melted. No doubt it is prompted, but En knows what I love you means, and most of the times he does not say that readily.. It was really one of THE moments - when i felt so far away, but he is so close in my heart.

It is definitely one of the most beautiful moments for me..

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Speech is one of the most powerful thing I realised. Not just cuz of the recent telephone conversation, but I have realised that many things we say can make or break a relationship.

With our kids, I think we need to pactice a lot of mindfulness, active listening and also speaking mindfully. Here are some realisations based on 2 trainings I have attended for work..


Lesson 1: Suspend your agenda and practice active listening

My job is a group facilitator. More than anything else, my job trains and requires me to read people's body language, read peoples' conscious and unconscious responses, and listen, really listen to what people say to derive the little nuggets of gold that helps or break a product or brand.

I was attending a regional conference 3 weeks back on how we can manage our work and clients. My biggest takeaway from the conference was something that can be applied to both work, but more importantly, when applied to kids and family, I think will make us great communicators with our kids and loved ones.

One core skill that we practise thru role plaing and all, when we interact with our clients is to suspend our agenda and listen to the clients more. So we understand their REAL need, and then address those needs accordingly. A lot of times, we go to meetings with our own agenda. We do not listen, or we pretend to listen, all intent on making sure we get somethig out of the meeting or making sure the meeting was fruitful by saying what we have on the agenda.

And I realise many a times, we do this with our kids too.

We want them to listen to us. We lay the rules for them. And we do not listen to them or their real need.

E.g. day out or a shopping trip. We have a whole host of errands to run, and things to do and time to keep to. All these form our agenda. And when the kids stall and do not want to go to those places we want or do as we say, we get into a conflict situation with them BECAUSE we are pushing our agenda and are not listening to them, not their needs... They are little people with needs, emotions, like us!

If we take a moment to suspend our agenda, and listen to what they really want to do..

We can really resolve the situation much better and avoid the tension or us getting angry.

And here, I want to share this great book that I am reading.. currently at the first chapter, but I feel it has already changed my life dramatically already...



it is titled "How to talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It is a very enjoyable book to read, with comics, with real examples and even real exercises that put us through what a kid is feeling. (i actually wanted to attend a course based on this book but schedule simply does not allow but I will definitely go for the course the next time it is organised!)


In the book, there are 4 simple ways to cope with a child's demands.. But first we need to practise suspending our agenda so that we can listen to the kids' needs carefully. And then we need to acknowledge their emotions so the kids next time know how they can cope with their emotions. Most of the time, we deny the emotions of the kids, or worst label the kids for their emotions or actions.. if you think about it, everyday it is happening..

"You are not really afraid of the cat right?
"it is ok, dun be upset over a spoilt toy, it is only a toy" ..

But to help the kid manage their feelings the book recommends the following:

1. Listen with full attention

2. Acknowledge their feelings - "Oh".."I see"

3. Give their feelings a name

4. Give them heir wishes in a fantasy

The use of the above helps to deflect an explosive situation, and also helps in preventing the kids from not being heard or listened to, or that we do not understand what they are feeling.. so that kids will continue to talk to us because we understand them. We always say our parents do not understand us when we were young, it may not be that the dun understand, but they have not SHOWN that they understood, simply with Step 2.


One of the key contributors to a breakdown in conversation is when we deny the feelings of the other person, so much so that it is pointless for the other person to talk to us anymore..

it is the same in relationship --- the wife always complains, the husband ignores or puts down her emotions, she does not feel valued nor given adequate attention, their conversation turned abusive, accusatory, sarcastic and soon everything else falls apart.

that is also how in the teenage years, we all stop talking to our parents.

1. they do not empathise with us

2. they are not interested in listening to us - or they listen to us only to turn around and scold us or given moralistic lectures

3. So we end up not talking to them, its easier and it does not help to talk to them anyway...

Of course, we do not have to always agree with the kids, the book also has many tips for learning how to state our stand without anger so we convey the message without hurting the child's esteem.

Let me share more as I get through more.. I am slowly savoring the lessons..

Still the first step I think is to suspend our agenda when we are with kids.

Like I always say, spend time with the kids mindfully, and avoid pushing our agenda, and let's try not to fall into the trap of not actively listening to our kids. if we don't listen, we are also ignoring and belittling our kids...

Lesson 2: feedback on bad behavior

I was attending a 2 hr training on how to give feedback as our annual appraisal period is here.

I was introduced to the following framework:


i. Give feedback by describing the action/ behavior objectively
i.e. i notice you are not delivering the reports on time or I saw you are shouting at someone.

ii. Describe the impact of the action

i.e so the client was upset or and that upset the other party so much that she is t motivated to work

iii. Allow the person to respond and explain.

iv. suggest improvements.


My biggest take out was how step i and ii are so crucial and useful to the way we talk to our kids about bad behavior.

We tend to emotionalise the issue or label them in the process, which affects their self esteem or make them defensive, e.g. "You are so naughty, how many times have I told you to stop throwing your bricks?" "Why do you not listen to what i say, stop jumping!"


All these statements, for one, does not state the real action that needs to be addressed or the action that we want our kids to do or follow (i.e. put down the bricks gently/ stay still) and it labels the kids and hurt their esteem through negation.

We need to state the problem and the impact clearly so that the kid understand the borders or the parameters and that will ensure that the same action will not be repeated. it needs to be clear to the kid. And when we are less emotional, the kid are also less likely to be defensive or go into a tantrum in response to our anger..

I find it very useful to note these little skills - interaction between 2 person is like a ball bouncing between 2 people.. we need to get the serve and the swing right, so the receiving party volleys the ball back gamely back to us and in the manner we want..

If we have to set out to rightly speak what we mean or to positively address a situation, we cannot expect the kids to respond rightly to us.

Worst, they may pick up all our bad cues and next time play them back to us..

Hence, working is not that bad sometimes I think.. as I feel being skilled worker does value add us as parents, and being parents also make us more aware and experienced in managing people and their emotions. these little lessons I learn are great help I think in managing my babies.. I need all the help i can get with these 2 little lovely rascals

Meanwhile, I am gonna survive this working trip and look forward going home to En En, with his orange Jim Thompson elephant.. :) as promised.. and something for Xuan Xuan to destroy as well...

Children's Park adventure..

I have been working so hard that I feel compelled to make up to the kids the past weekend.
I resolutely shut my laptop and was determined to bring them out, despite, or precisely cuz Papa is not around.. I feel the need to be double the fun double the responsibility..

So I told En that we would go to the Children's Park - we went once before, but the Park is closed on Monday, so En ended up feeding the fish in Botanic Gardens the last time..

This time round, it was the perfect day out at the park.. and I must say the park does have its potential.. There is this plant watering area, with water sprouting out of the ground as well which all the kids revel in.. but as En and Xuan did not have extra clothes on them, i tried to dissuade them from being totally wet.. Still en was fascinated with the archaic water dispenser which draws water up from the ground - no tap. Quite cool actually.

Then there is the tree house, which En gingerly made his way about.. fun stuff...

Then there is this other little house for kids to explore and play.. Xuan is calmly and coolly taking all the new excitement in stride.. he loves the outdoors very much, though sometimes he looks a tad lost.


Little Xuan fascinated by the surroundings.. and wondering...

Then there is En's favourite, which we have to visit twice before he is willing to leave the park..
There is this floating deck in the pond and there we sat for a long while simply enjoying the greens and looking at the murky waters!

I made a few observations during the trip..
Most parents are really involved with their kids.. then there are some who leave their kids to lay while they enjoy the papers, then there are those who are screaming at the top of their voices at the rowdy kids, or stopping the gals from climbing too high up the tree house...

I hope we as parents can be more involved in kids' activities.. and as well as letting them have enough space to explore.. While it is v tiring to be involved all the time, but for the 2-3 hrs at the park.. it will really be nice to really play with the kids I feel. It is part of the quality time spent.. No criticism here, but somehow i feel if we bring the kids to the park but then leave them to be while we read papers, it does not somehow seem like we have spend quality time with the kids.. hmm..

Then i also note some parents admonishing kids who are scruffy, crawling on the floor etc..
I thinks parents who have seen Xuan crawling about the walkways, and with En imitating him and crawling after him must be appalled.. at the level of dirt I allow my kids to get into.. Of course there are there parents who are OK to have the kids rowdy, so long as the rowdiness does not extend to them.. For me, well I have no qualms about sitting where the kids are comfortable or taking En through the little pebbled walkway amidst the sprouting plants and having to fan the plants away as we make our way to the pond.. after all, a clean bath is a drive away.. I think kids should be allowed to explore and have fun with minimal restrain.. at a young age of 1 or 2, what do they really know about dirty clothes and palms.. and it kinda defeat the purpose of getting back to nature if we really want to be very Jane Austen lady like about it..

I think as parents, one of the things I enjoy most is to return to child play, despite my age.. The ability of a child to draw us down to their level and experience their world is amazing. And we have to be willing to go to that place.. Sometimes I also feel if I am older when I have kids, I may not have the energy, nor the effort to do the child like things that kids love to do - along with the right spirit. I think that sporting spirit is important and critical to bonding and affinity.

Do not play with a child expecting the child to abide by our rules. Do not even set too many rules, many of which the child do not understand..

Do allow the child to bring out the child in us.. do share that free- spiritedness and joy that the child possess in exploring the world around them.
It is something that they only have once, and we as adults only have as long as our kids remain kids. One day, they will grow up and assume responsibilities required to face this world.
One day, they will lose that free spiritedness... and as much as I can, I protectively want En and Xuan to have as much of that now.. when they are licensed to do that. And I want to be part of that precocious world..

It is a tiring 2 hours, but an enriching one for all of us..
And I feel much better returning to work today, knowing I spent a great, relaxing weekend with the babies..





Each step you take may be tiny,
Yet it is a big step for me to follow and catch up..

As you make your way about this world in your infant steps
Seeing the world through your angelic eyes,
Learning about the world with your chubby fingers and fists,
Filling the world with your amused chuckles

I tread slowly and carefully in your wake
Trying to catch a glimpse of the world that you have revealed to me
And ridding myself of the world's puppet strings

Just so I can really be with you
In this space and time that can only be
When you are with me.

Spidey fan?

It has been a long time.. since I ve been busy.. think I will be occupied at work all the way till mid Dec, and then I will have a bit of peace... but i have already started planing for Xuan Xuan's party, from guest list to decor to buffet. it is gonna be one big event since xuan did not do a 1 month thinggi.. kinda to appease the elders...

Well, some photos here on En' final term party for the year.. the theme is family and to celebrate christmas, as usual he as lots of fun with the food and all, but not very entusiastic about meeting Santarina, not even with the lure of present.


Xuan Xuan has been growing bolder and bolder by the day.. snatching everything from his kor kor, destroying toys and books and all that he can find..

But a really cute boy nonetheless..

I have been trying to toilet train En En, but not making an progress.. the boy is immensely shy.. and stubborn.. think it will take some time really..

He seem to have develop a liking for Spiderman recently.. as a female I cannot comprehend this fascination with super heroes, boys wanting to be power range, transformer, batman, spideman etc etc... I shudder whenever I see boys acting out these super heroes roles in public, rowdy and silly..

BUt that is probably me a girl's perspective.. so what happened was he adored the spiderman add on on his classmate's crocs and told Ah Kim who is fetching him from school for us that those were his shoes.. only to turn out it is the same blue crocs but not his!!

He simply like the spiderman add on!
I will off to buy him his spidey add on nonetheless..i just hope he wont graduate to spidey waterbottle,spidey bag, spidey suit!!!!
a small spidey add on I can stand... for now.. :)

Back- dated Photo Galore

Finally updating the photos..
Lost the cable for a while..

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Remains of En's birthday photos..


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Xuan Xuan and his antics.

Envy and Regret

i just read Diana's Ser's interview about motherhood in Simply Her this month.
i just read blinkmummy's entry on "One's constrains and One's Context".
i recently finished Grey's Anatomy where Addison found she had trouble conceiving a child when she thought she had all the time in the world to do so...

Such is life..
Sometimes I think mums have a lot of regrets.
Well, i dun think mums regret hvaing the kids, but we probably have all goe through phases where we have doubts..
about ourselves, about our choices, about the kids...
that kinda unstablises us..

Then we will look to our kids, and think we are really lucky, blessed etc etc..

Well, from Diana's article, I agree that woman will always have doubts, but we are actually stronger than what we think we are.. and our kids give us that strength, to push us to the limits and still survive and come out stronger..

From blinkymummy's entry, i feel that we are all susceptible to envy, some of us look at our peers and envy the for what they have achieved and wonder if our choices are right..

However, unless we are like Addison in Grey's Antomy where she realises too late that she has not been clear on what she wants in her life (choosing career over having kids) and ends up full of regrets, we will never really be, IN OUR PRESENT MOMENT, truly confident and contented and sure that what we have done and chosen are what we want and right for us..

Of course, there are some people who are - but then we always wonder if those people are right when they seem sure of themselves and what they are doing, that they may be blinded to other stuff...

Doubts are a large part of our life.. because there is no certainty in this world.
Envy is our song sometimes because we are greedy and always on the lookout for more self gratification..
But what i cannot live with is regrets..

And because of my fear for regrets, there are times when i have made choices which are measures against regret, even though they may not be what I am SURE I want..

Choosing En and Xuan over career is one of those things..

I fear that i will regret it if I don't have kids early- that i may not have them or that i may not enjoy them as much when i have them older...

so even though i have much doubts sometimes, about whether I will be happier, better etc etc if I don't have kids.. I have made a choice that leaves no chance for the regret that i fear.

And to be that is a safe choice.
i always don't know what I want..
But I am sure of what I don't want...
And I think that is a good start...

thinking..

We celebrated En's birthday right early the past weekend, cuz Papa and mummy will be away for work, and by the time we are back in town, we will not have been in time for a weekend party for him..

It was a cosy gathering of people that he is familiar with and like... so no more wailing like his first party, and no need to "hide" him, he was gamely playing with everyone happily..

Photos to be uploaded soon .. since grandpa and grandma took the pics, but again, we seem to have missed the family pic thinggi.. we so do need to get our act together.. esp for Xuan.

We cannot keep going on like this - lacking in family pics. I feel so uneasy about it..

These days, I have been addicted to Facebook, and then to Grey's anatomy season 3..
Hence have not been actively blogging..

But En's birthday reminded me how time flies.. really in less than a blink of an eye, my baby is already 2 years old!

And I am thinking..
i think i m addicted to motherhood .. it is a bit like a love hate relationship..
on days one feels as if it can't get any worst..
yet there are days, when it simply can't get any better...

Maybe I have been lucky, I have yet to have any real "fights" with babies, or be really angry at them or with them..
and more times than not, I really enjoy them and their company..

Looking back, celebrating En's 2 yrs old is also like another graduation year for me - in the course of motherhood.

It is like one is gradually learning and growing without really thinking or looking at it.

Well, it has been a great 2 years.. and I can't look back.

There has not been any real tangible rewards of motherhood, but deep inside me, I know I have changed. It is not a drastic change, but something more insidious and gradual.

and at the end of the day, I feel really good sometimes..
simply happy for the fact that I live another day to listen to En's funny talk, and seeing Xuan's cheeky smile..

back to reality..

Back, and a tad lazy...
Being kid-less for 9 days kinda deluded me into thinking I am into the single carefree female.
The only mum duty i had to perform while we were away was to call home every morning and ask what new antics the kids are up to.. kinda easy...

Well, in the days since i was back, quite lot happened..
1. Xuan Xuan started babbling lots, and coming into his own character.. erm, kinda like his personality is really emerging now.. hm.. Seeing is believing..

2. En manage to settle himself in 3 days a week 3 hour school on his own.. I was with him for a session, hubby was with hi for 2 sessions and last Thurs and fri, he was on his own. Teachers' feedback was he was "consolable" and engaged in class.. not too bad, I was expecting worst.

3. Now last minute panic, planning for En's birthday this coming saturday. We are doing his birthday way in advance given hubby's crazy travelling schedule coupled with my own.

4. Today, while we were shopping at Wisma, we witnessed a kid's hand stuck in between the gaps of the lift, and the kid wailed non stop. He should be slightly younger than En and slightly older than Xuan, and thoroughly traumatised y the experience. Hubby said the mum looked shell-shocked. Xuan Xuan was looking at the wailing baby curiously throughout the entire episode. Well, we figured they should go to the A&E at the nearby Mt E to have an X ray taken to make sure all is well...

And finally, those who wondered how the kids coped while hubby and I were away for so long, well a good summary will be to quote En En's saying "Mummy, Papa go england". haha!

When we first saw En at the airport while we were waiting to claim our bags, he did not cry but kept motioning us to join him on the other side of the glass.

When we have collected our baggage and saw him finally, he cried tearily.. and dramatically on our shoulders. Well, that kinda encapsulated how he feels about us being away.

So when I asked him if he wanted to go with us to england the next time, he pondered for a while and said "Dun wan"... :)

The Issue of Choice..

I think store assistants who have seen us shopping with En are probably very amused..
By the rather trying experience in selecting and buying something for En.

Well, I read somewhere that it is healthy to get the kids to choose things for themselves when they are about 15 mths plus. Kinda for them to exercise their independence and like a form of training. Hence, some months back, we have increasingly asked for En's opinion from which set of pyjamas he wants to wear, to what colour socks to what toys he wants to play etc.

So recently, we progressed to letting him choose the things to buy.
And well.. we ended up with these add ons for his crocs..


Both hubby and I walked out of shop wondering why in the world we paid the cost of 2 happy meals for these rather "common" things. I dunno why he wanted that elephant in the first place (I dun even know he is so into elephant, I thought his current passion is with horses); there are many colours of elephants, but he insisted on the brown one. Then there are so many types of balls, rugby, basketball, soccerball etc etc, and our little friend only wanted "this one".

And hubby tried to psyche him with the other nicer stuff, but our En En "dunwan". There were tonnes of cute zebras, flowers, rockets, trains, mickey mouse and all the disney characters, we walked out of the shop with these 2 mis-matched, themeless and not very exciting looking add ons. I bet the store assistants must be thankful that we helped them clear stock for these non exciting items..

Well.. the only satisfaction we had was

1. Every 5 steps or so, En would bend down and touch his shoes - "phant" and " ball ball"
2. When he came home, he refused to take off his shoes and kicked up a big fuss when we tried to persuade him that he cannot go to sleep with his shoes on.

So we are pacified. He has demonstrated the he is really fond of the add ons and it is money well spent, no matter how we feel about the add ons ourselves...

cheeky babies...

Stealing the pics that hubby has taken over the weekend, when the 2 babies were well dressed to go out.. looking good and cooperatively having their pics taken..

and u can see why Xuan is soon to be the really notti one..

First you think this little one seems fairly harmless, a tad clueless sometimes..

Then you think he is such an angelic baby, with that innocent look...

Then you start to wonder if he is really as innocent as he look since he seems to be on Momo's back most of the times, mostly just irritating her..

Then he starts on his "Disturb you while you drive" tactics.. irritating his brother as well..

So here is the TRUE FACE of the cheeky little boy, who has this swirl on his head testifying it..

Regaining My Sanity

To start - many thanks for the barrage of SMS-es, and also Cheryl for her comments.
I am fine now, finally got the tears to stop at around 7 plus in the evening on Saturday, and I even managed to venture outta the house for dinner.

I know that on hindsight that I am gonna feel very silly.
It is just one of those things which emotions just overwhelmed one.
In any case, I am still extremely sore that I missed the first concert with En, cuz apparently he really enjoyed it, and was able to sit through the concert for 1.5 hrs.

Well.. NJ did not take any pics etc so I won't really know, I think he is just afraid to rub salt on wound as he knows I am so not ever going to forgive him for this.

Still, on a positive note, it is one of those lessons one inevitably gotta learn.

There are things that the man still does not know about a woman's way of thinking despite knowing each other for 10 years.
We cannot expect a man to know what we want all the time.

And I have this streak of wanting to experience as much of the 2 boys as I can.
I feel that the experience of motherhood is kinda linear.
Some things, some experiences only happen once.
Kinda like the first time the baby crawls, the first time he calls you Mummy, the first time that he walks towards you...

All these milestones are special in those moments when they happened.
And I want to be part of those milestones.
I take parenthood very seriously as an experience.

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Anyway, I am so going to blog this conversation that Husband and I just had half an hour ago.

In the aftermath of the emotional turmoil that wasted me away for the whole of Saturday, I continue to "torment" him with little nudges and poison.

So i asked: "When was the last time you bought me something... You bought En new add-ons for his Crocs, and even a new book fr him etc etc.. when did you last buy me anything.."

And he answered "Last week, when you ran outta coffee, I bought you the coffee (Refills). Coffee is very important to you..."

*faint* Well, goes to show how different man and woman are yeah..
Sala frequency all the way lor!