A stressful week II

And so the saga continues..

I have rested for some time now in BJ, and feel slightly better today to continue.. 

Maybe it is the sunlight, maybe its cuz I have a good 5 hr sleep yesterday, at the expense of missing my pump at 5 am ($%^&@)

12 March

7am - Making the Move..

Piles of bags lying around..

Auntie and my bags to KL, Aunties' bag packed with Rui's playpen, Drypers (cuz the quality of economy diapers in China is questionable, so while we can get Mammy Poko for the nights and outings, the usual day use diapers are lacking ...), some clothes and cold wear from us and parents and parents in law..

My bag is filled with lactation supplements, 1 change of clothes, and pumps and bottles..

Rui, while going on a 2D1N trip, has like a cooler tub piled with ice and frozen BM, his bag of clothes, mittens, booties, bath time items, rocker for his day time naps, a cooler bag of freshly pumped BM, his book of feeds and poo with timings in them for Nanny's ref, and my list of cautions and notes for his G6PD condition, how to thaw BM and feed chilled BM (though nanny must know but I am taking extra pre-caution as I want to make sure the milk are served properly.. ), and a list of habits and no-no, like no 'Yaolan', not carrying for long, his noises at night which does not warrant much attention when he stretches etc..

And then we are ready to depart..

8:am - saying good bye to the Tods..

Xuan is easy enough.. hugs and kisses and he sems most happy/ oblivious..

En is a much trickier.. 

So i told him mummy is going to work, and Auntie is going home, and I will be back the next night, promising to call him from KL often.

It is a bit heart wrenching to hear him ask if I am going to China - but that I will have to deal with later..

 8:30 - 2:30 pm - Arriving in KL

So we dropped off Rui at the nanny, and checked in at the airport to fly to KL.

Interestingly, we met Michelle Chong and Adam Chen checking in behind us, and in the end, seated right behind us on Air Asia (think they are shooting an Air Asia Sponsored program), and right before getting off, we heard that they are also staying at Mid Valley Mall  - but at Bolovard hotel, the other hotel attached to the mall..

On the way and in between times slots, I pumped and throw my BM away (wastage, wastage, wastage), continue my calls with the tour agencies in both SG and MY to confirm tickets, visa etc and by the time, I arrived in KL, I was exhausted. 

But elated that things are going well, agent picked up auntie's passport, with an arrangement to meet at 530 pm the next day with an approved visa and air ticket for boarding.

For the rest of the day, I slept, pumped, ate and shopped..

Am glad we chose Mid Valley Mall, and to stay at Citatel, the mall is totally self sufficient, with baby and travel shops that meet all our needs, extensive eateries to choose from, and I even bought lactation supplements from GNC to stock up for my 1 mth in China.

And the best part is, we do not have to leave the hotel/ Mall!! Savings on time as we avoid the bad traffic jams in KL, and saving $$ on transport. Me feel so right abt the choice of stay!!

13 March

9am - 4pm

Continued the usual pump, and shop and eat routine, while making sure tickets and visas are cliche free..

5pm : Getting ready to depart

Auntie is all packed and ready for China, she picked up some bb items that China do not have or are of questionable quality and helped us bring them along. Her visa and ticket came, we paid for everything in cash, and got the nice cab uncle to pick us up to both the international airport for auntie and the domestic airport for me.. 

I am getting ready to return to SG with long list of packing items to pack for Rui and Myself to China. 

7 - 11pm

I sent auntie to KLIA to take her international flight, making sure she is checked in alright with a crew assistant to bring her to the boarding gate. I must say, in this aspect, the KLIA is efficient and great as the counter staff asked me if we require such a service before I even have to asked, when he saw that auntie is travelling alone, and I am trying to manage her documents and explained to her where the boarding gates are.

Then I hurriedly leave once auntie is in good hands to catch my domestic flight home.

By the time I arrived at Changi, I am quite exhausted, not to mention wth a day of erractic milk pumps which stressed me quite a bit mentally.

11:30 pm - Home sweet Home but dreading the leaving again.. Still have not figured out what to tell En for my long disappearance.. If he knows I go China with Rui without him, am real scared he will be upset and angry with us, since we made an earlier promise that once Rui is big enough to travel, we will bring him. Nj kept saying that we cannot tell him, as he will be heart broken... so it seems that white lie we must much as I hate it.. 

***********************************************************************

14 march - A day of Prep and Dread

8am - 1 pm: The rapid shopping mode..

Woke up bright and early, (without much sleep actually since Rui was waking up for his feeds and was a bit cranky..) to make sure I have mentallly run thru all the missing items and have them noted down to be purchased.

Have checked on the internet that all the shops I need can be located centrally at Jurong point, so i went there early to get started for a One Stop shop.

Came back home after getting most items to prepare for the major Packing..

12pm - 3 am

I packed like crazy in between my pumps..

Interviewed a potential Philippino maid in between since this is my last day and the agent was nice enough to try and arranged it. 

And in between this episode with En ensued..

8pm: Dealing with En

For some time now, En saw me putting things in and the tonnes of clothes piled on the sofa etc since he came back from his nanny's place (we deposited him there again, so we can all cope with the madness of packing).

He asked me where I am going, and I answered with Rui's milk bottles in my hands, that I am going to work and will be away for some time.

The very astute En, looked at the bottles in my hand, and asked 

"Why you bring that to work?" 

And i was stunned, and I said I am preparing things for Rui when I am away.

He seemed pacified, but it seemed more like he knew something was up and suspected that we are going to China without him.

I felt very torn, as I felt that if he had known I am going China without him, and he just accepted it without telling me, He would know I was lying to him. And I do not want to lie to him.

So I sms NJ that I will tell him some of the truth, even though it is still lying by omission, but there is some truth in it.

So I sat En down, and told him that I am bringing Rui to let Auntie look after.

Because Auntie can't stay in Singapore anymore, Auntie has to go and stay with Papa.

So I am bringing Rui to Auntie and after that I am back.

With this, it wouldn't seem like I am bringing Ru

i to China, to See Papa. But that Rui is going to Auntie. 

En is quite quick to piece the pieces together though, after hearing me out, he looked at me and asked if Rui and Auntie will sleep in Papa's bed, and that I will also sleep in Papa's Bed, and that Papa need to sleep somewhere else.

So, in the end, he still knows that Rui is going China, and will see Papa, but he figured that out himself. On our end, it is not for Rui to see Papa so much as Rui is going to see Auntie.

He seemed to accept it fine, but I feel that He felt sad. But he did not asked to go. I thought that is very sensible and brave of him..

And the next day before we left, I spoke to him as well, and while he seemed on the verge of crying, he did not, and did not ask to go. It was difficult leaving him like that, But i promised to skype him when I arrived. 

15 march: Leaving Singapore and Arriving in Beijing 

Rui and I took a tiring flight to Beijing. Thankfully, he slept through most of it, and was OK with the take off and the landing. Does not seem to affect his ears too much, as I let him suck on his pacifier.

I was able to bring on board the EBM I expressed, so I fed him that on board. I also latched him to feed as well as some forumla when he refused to latch sometimes.

All in all, Rui seems fine on the flight, and I am thankful that he is so cooperative and angelic. Minimal crying. The airline is definitely not what I will fly again, and flying alone is definitely a bit more challenging.

However, i must say if prep is done well, and timing is calculated properly to anticipate BB's needs, it an really be quite easy. My toughest was to carry the pram, bags and Rui - as I was always conscious that I am not supposed to carry anything heavier than Rui. For that, and the less than helpful crew, my wound pained a bit more

 than usual.. 

Anyways, so that ends the traumatic 3 days and I was exhilarated when we arrived. It was quite worth it when Rui smiles upon hearing auntie's voice. The 2 month old Rui is very good at recognising voices and differentiating who does what. That skill of his made it possible for me to latch him even though he is already close to 2 months back then. While he does not drink fully when latched, but i is really good enough to help stimulate the milk flow.

Some pics of Rui on flight and here.. and well, if anyone wants to know how I pack for both Rui and En to keep them peaceful on flight, let me know. I have the list ready - for travel again when we are all moving here.. sigh.. :)

Surviving a stressful week..

It has been a stressful week.. 

or I should day a stressful midweek..

I am now in Beijing with Rui and Nanny... The confinement auntie is taking refuge as the Singapore customs "kicked" her out of Singapore.. 

I want to share this chronologically so as to better appreciate the chaos and madness of the week..

The week started off well enough.. My BM supply reached 120ml per pump and i have extra to store for my impending trip to BJ in late March... The freezer is full with 2 boxes of frozen BM for Rui while I am not around..

11 March - The "bad news" hit

It is time for Nanny to go JB and have her passport stamped. It is her second month in Singapore thus far, and she is staying for a third. Since I still have yet to find a maid to either add on or replace my current one..

Time: 11 am. 

When Ye ye and nanny returned.. She said the customs can only give her 2 days stay as she has maxed out her 60 days days in Singapore.. !!!! The customs person then only said that she could get her extension at ICA. I went online to check and I tot she would qualify for Visit pass - turn out that is only for immediate family members. 

Time: 2pm at ICA

So when I went ICA, turned out they explained the 60/90 days rule to me briefly. I never knew there is a 60 out of 90 days rule for Malaysian. That they can only stay a max of 60 days in SG within the 90 days period. 

So auntie has to get out of singapore and away for a mth before she is allowed back!!

I was horrified and petrified, literally. Initially I could not understand what happened, cuz when auntie was employed by our neighbor, she employed her for 3 mths.. Turn out their situation may have been a result of a loophole in the cmputer's reading of 90 days or 3 mths.. It took NJ's friend some time to explain to me.. 

So we need to figure out what to do.

Time: 2:30 pm - the brains starts panicking

So auntie has to leave. And auntie has to stay out for a month to be safe, as we cannot bluff the computer since its middle fo the month. Minimally we need to stay 2 weeks but we cannot take the chance that we go somewhere and return only to find out that auntie is still barred from entering SG. 

I need auntie's help still, or be faced with option of looking after 3 kids, pumping 7-8 times a day and managing all these with my mum and the rather incompetent current maid. Not to mention I am supposed to be resting since the surgical wound still hurts on and off esp on days when i exert myself by running to too many places or not sleep enuf sometimes..

3:30pm - Deciding that we should go China.

I thought I might as well bring auntie with me to China, and bring forward my trip instead. 

I was naive, a call to the agency reminded me that 

1. Auntie needs a visa to China

2. My trip cannot be changed without penalties

3. Auntie needs to get out of Sg by 12 March and the china visa's fastest processing time is 3 days in SG

4. NJ and yeye  reminded me that China embassy only allows for visa application to be made in the morning.. and that means auntie has to apply and have visa approved the next day and leave the next day

The barriers seem insurmountable. 

4pm - idea struck

I thought the easiest way for auntie to leave is to go back Malaysia and we make plans from there. So KL is a start as that is where the embassy is.

So, I called my tour agent to explore options of changing my dates earlier and to buy Rui's ticket. Turn out Ru's ticket is v expensive under the same promo and not worth it. Husband asked me to buy a one way ticket, ut that turned out to be expensive too.. we rationalised that the cheapest option is to abandon my current ticket and buy a fresh one for rui and me under another promo..

The I called my Malaysia office for help on a tour agent in KL that can help auntie process her China visa in KL. Turned out my colleague was a great help as he said that all Malaysians need visa to china, so over there, they have express option of visa within a day.

And he gave me the office's tour agent which is super efficient and reliable. Except that the airport tax of MAS to china is ridiculously expensive, so even though the ticket is cheap, the total cost is 70% of rui and my ticket cost!

I called the tour agency in Malaysia and they advised me that the express within the day is the only option in order for auntie to go China this weekend. Or else, even with a 2 day express option which is cheaper, the application does not take into account Sat and Sun.

Finally, I went online to book my ticket to accompany auntie to go KL to help her manage the purchase of air ticket and the visa stuff. 

I also had to book hotel since we are leaving right early morning the next day, and I decided to stay at Citatel n Mid Valley mall, which will allow us to shop for all the prep stuff needed for China, since Auntie leave for China on Friday night, and I leave on Sunday, while waiting for tour agent to contact us there for application and purchase of air ticket. 

i next called Bao en's nanny to help look after Rui for a day and night while I stay with auntie in KL to see her off to China before I come home.

6pm - all Set and ready for action!!

So in 2 hours.. the following is set.

1. We leave for KL early morning next day, 12 march (the dateline for Auntie to leave SG) on Air Asia and immediately pass Auntie's passport to agent for visa application.

2. We stay in KL to wait for visa approval so as to confirm the CHina ticket for auntie to leave on 13 march midnight.

3. Rui goes to En's nanny for 2 days 1 night while I was in KL,  and we have to prep his bag as well as he frozen BM to be used (thank god I started freezing them earlier)

4. I forfeit my ticket to BJ later in the month, with new ticket with Rui to leave for BJ on 15 March

Time: 7 - 12 am - Packing for Rui, and processing the booking of tickets, hotels etc etc...

Gee.. all these actions in the space of 1 afternoon, and I feel tired writing abut it..

The actions for the next 3 days to follow..

I just came to BJ with Rui today, tired but happy and proud that Rui did well on the flight and I did doubly well with all the prepping and packing.

But my wound has been hurting a bit more than usual and i had only 2 hrs of sleep each night with all the things to be done and the 3 hrly pumping.. 

So i stop here for now..  watch this space for more action!! :P

*I am superwoman or what.... *

 

Tods and Babe

Sometimes I think 3 boys are too much for me..
The 2 tods are quite energy sapping, much as they are fun and lovely to be around.

They grow so fast sometimes I wish, I have the time/ energy to just blog their antics down, the conversations... the joys and pain on a day to day basis..

Xuan is sure learning very fast, and he called me Mummy already, albeit at the bribe of an apple.. sigh.. He knows everyone by their names, even di-di and ge-ge.. his fav is ye-ye who fetches him and En to school every morning. I observe that whoever controls the wheels wins the favor of the kids.. Hmm..

Xuan has also learnt to let go of his toys, and gives in to En. A really enormous feat. I sometimes think it is the backlash of the school.. since going to school he has learnt to let go of toys, so much so that when he is home now, he gives in to En no matter how unwilling he is, or regardless of whether he needs to give in or not. When En just mentions something is his, even though it is not the item that Xuan is holding, Xuan will put it down quickly and then run off to cry at what we call his "sobbing corner" - in front of the toy shelf. And after soothing himself this way, he will find some other toys to play. I am so amazed.. sadly En is still rather possessive of his toys, well I ll leave the boys to work that out between themselves..

Recently Xuan broke out in rashes, hives apparently though we could not put a handle on the trigger.. sigh, i wish they clear soon so he looks cute again and not awful..

En has been asking and talking a lot.. Nanny brought him to the bowling centre last Sunday and he really enjoyed it. These new experiences made him grow a lot i think.. and sometimes i really think he matures too fast for my liking, due to his sensitive nature..
Due to his fights with Xuan over "his" toys, he had been for a while saying "I do not like di-di" and that created a bit of a problem for me to work it out..
Slowly, by talking to him and listening to him more, these days he is no longer saying that anymore. And sometimes he will say "I like di-di" and hugs Xuan. I appreciate these moments, even though i sometimes think he is doing it to please the adults.

His insecurity comes through whenever he asks me "Do you love me, mummy?" so I know deep inside him the issue has not been resolved.

Xuan's flambouyant and carefree nature easily garners him lots of attention and positive affinity from grandparents and us.. naturally, without even trying. In face of that, En's more passive and sensitive demeanor usually get neglected without ill intent from the grandparents. And that feeds his inscurity at these times I think..

En is a kid who needs a lot of attention and time, he is so sensitive that most times, I am afraid that casual comments from grandparents or others affect him, even though sometimes it seems as if he does not understands but i observed that it always comes through to him as I will see some behavior that stems from the comments he overheard.

As for Rui, he is growing big and well.. and has cut down his milk at night from 3 or 4 feeds to 2 feeds, i am keeping fingers crossed that he keeps up the good wk!!

While his favorite pass time is still sleeping, we are seeing more of him awake these days as well.
And here are the pictures for you to see for yourself how he is doing :)

Wii Kids - backdated photos of the tods dancing away playing Wii















Wide awake and looking stern.. his usual expression..



















Check out his girlish eye lashes!!




















Blissfully in ZZzzzz Land- smiling in his sleep!!

Nostalgia

The boys raced with each other in the beautiful setting sun.
The leaves rustled
The breeze blew..

Soon we will bid goodbye to this place, College Green.
And goodbye to my once cherished hopes and dreams of kids growing up amidst the lush greenery
Of husband and I enjoying our morning coffee out in the deck
Of grass massage for momo
These are all gone now with goodbye to college green.

I will miss the sounds of crickets in the evening.
The dripping sound of rain on the roof outside my bedroom window
I miss the smell of fallen leaves and windy breeze.
the sight of dappled sunlight on the old tall tree outside our house..

I will always remember this place, a place which i built our dreams and hopes for the future.
remembering it with fondness, sadness and much nostalgia.

The Artist

En has always been interested in drawing.
He loves his art class, and since Papa went away, we ended his weekly art class.

Hence, when his school launched a series of enrichment classes after school, I was glad to see Art classes offered, amidst other classes such as swimming, speech and drama, Mandarin etc.

Half of me wanted to sign him up for swimming, as it is an essential skill, but Xuan seems too young for it and I will prefer the boys to learn it together. Nonetheless, I asked En, whether he wanted to do the Art class or swimming class, and sure enough Art class excites him more, much as we try to persuade him to consider swimming.

Thus far, En has attended 4 classes and I must say he has shown significant progress.
Not sure whether it is due to husband's influence these weeks or the classes, but he has been experimenting with different doodle and even did a rather good drawing of the cow and lion now.

I am impressed with the art class teacher, as he never fails to post emails to parents of kids attending his class on the weekly art class activity, and with pictures!

Here is what he wrote the week before CNY, and I was very impressed as I really feel involved with the classes.

"Dear Parents,

Last week we did crayon drawing with the theme ‘Fireworks’. We imagined how fireworks were shot up into the sky and explode like flowers. Although you may find the pictures ‘messy’, if you listen to the little artist’s explanation, you would be impressed by their great imagination. We enjoyed the time talking, imagining, acting, and drawing about fireworks together. I hope you enjoyed sharing the joy from your children at home. You children will be confident and proud of their achievements by your support and encouragement. Attached photos are for your reference.

Wish you and your family a prosperous year of ox!"

En's Calendar for 2009!

Fireworks to welcome the New Year

A Work in Progress Treasure Box these 2 weeks!

And just the other night, En asked me to draw an elephant. So I did on his doodle pad.

And he said: "Mummy, you draw wrong! Not like that."

And told me that the elephant that Papa drew is not like that. And he then proceeded to ask Papa to draw him an elephant. *Roll eyes*

Of course, Papa is a better artist than me la, that may be where the genes came from, but who is to say my elephant is not right?! Sigh.

The battle of wits has begun..

New faces of Bao Rui

Rui is coming to 1 month this Saturday.
Time flies!!!







This time round it seems to just whizz past..
Maybe it is more hectic this time round.

And I envisage a hard time coping with 3 boys and my pumping once confinement auntie goes home in another 2 months' time... Which raise the question if I will be able to cope in China if we move over.

Now, the move is a big if..
Mainly because the C section has made me so weak, and also inconvenient to move a bit faster, bend a bit more, carry a heavier load etc..

Everything will really be less complex if it had been a natural delivery.
Maybe it is really BM's "Sum Zero" manifesting itself - Nature claiming back what it should have been and forcing me to slow down.

Sometimes I think maybe it is all the stress during the pregnancy that resulted in the emergency C section, leading to a distressed baby. That on its own is Sum Zero. And now, the C section leaves a scar for life, to remind me that one cannot cheat Nature, it knows when you are not taking care of yourself and is greedy in wanting too much.

So I am really thinking and trying to slow down whenever I can now.
I think it is my right, i still ve a long journey ahead, and if taking it slowly now means I have a more fruitful journey later, pause I must.

Thinking about Love and Someone

I dreamt of someone last night.
Someone who is probably lost to me, and whom I am always indebted to, for this whole of my lifetime.

I do not know why I dreamt of him, but i think it is a sign. Again, in the darkest moments of my life, you came to me. And your words, they come to me again.
And I read a note of a fellow Aquarian in facebook today, and again, it seems to echo the same message. Another sign.

Well, those who have been reading the previous entries or FB-ing me probably know I have been very troubled the past weeks. It is as if I have been living in the shadows and trying to come out of the shadows. My mind has been battling with the heart with equal wins and lossses.

And I am trying to seek a way to walk out of the dark.
And everyday, I ask for help. For strength to overcome the difficulties that my heart cannot accept. And I know i needed it to resolve this tough patch or it will haunt me, and those around me for life.

And I know, if given time, and I still can't get over "the incident", then it may be a sign that I need to move on in a more drastic manner.

I was hoping for signs, and for cues. Last night, in the dream, and today in the note I found them.

Yes. Love is about forgiveness.
You reminded me that I need to learn forgiveness and tolerance.
For myself. And today, for others.

And these words from the note reminded me to treasure the love we have and find "because it took hard work to find, and as we move along it will take hard work to keep it."

I canot forget.
But I shall try to forgive.

For now, that - that should be enough for now.
If I should lapsed in my resolution, this entry serves as a reminder.

This is the reason to keep fighting - because real love is so hard to find it in the first place.
That is the reason to stay. And to keep.
Thou shall not have doubts nor hopes to ever find another like it.

And given time, I hope I forget. Because, like you say, love heals.

Another year older..

Today, I am a year older, but everything still feels the same.
It had to be one of the most boring birthdays I ever had as I can't do lots of stuff, so it was spent innocuously at home most of the time, but at least I spent it with the kids, and the boys were ecstatic over the cake and the candles.

And En is becoming very good at serving the cake to others before eating it himself.
I look forward to Bao Rui joining the chorus next year.

There is something about celebrating birthday with the boys, they are quite contagious and make me smile. Was trying to recall what I did for birthday last year, took me a while and finally remembered husband and I went away for a short holiday. So this is like the first time the boys sang me a birthday song, it feels different, definitely making me feel older for sure.. sigh.

But sometimes, I think i like to keep my own life separate from the kids.
Just like I try to keep couple life separate from the kids as well.

Some people may wonder at this strange tot.
Is it like trying to delude myself? No. I don't think so.

i love the kids, and they are a permanent fixture in my life.
However, I need my own space, and I need space for husband and me.

So sometimes, events like birthdays, anniversaries etc, I prefer to celebrate them separately.

Sometimes, i think the kids are so much a part of my life, I worry about losing myself completely. And being who I am is important.

Sure, I am a mum.
But I am first myself first. It sounds really selfish I know, but in my mind, it is like I have these different spheres of life. My kids are involved in my life, even an important part of my life, but my life does not revolve around them. Rather, I hope my life does not, just as my life does not revolve around husband's, because I feel that the moment it does, then we are dependent on others for our survival and well-being.

Of course, these I hope I achieve and maintain, since it is easy to be insidiously revolving around other people, esp when it comes to love of others. Hence, sometimes, I just want a separate space for events that are just about me...

Miewsing...

The Reunion

In less than 3 weeks, NJ will return to China.
This reunion has been busy, chaotic, unexpected and really busy.

Many things had happened.
Emotions have been raw.
And sometimes I feel we hardly have time for ourselves. Too much to do, too much to accomplish. It is like a perpetual game of catch up with the macro world. There is hardly time to really introspect and think through some issues.

And what should have been familiar seems unfamiliar.
What should have been seems faraway.
What should not be seems to stay.

And now I feel going to China seems a big step for me.
What i was so sure of, I am not sure now.
Something has changed. Maybe something is missing or lacking. But there are a lot more doubts. I am not sure I want to face what I will find there.

Maybe I have been too tired lately. And too much has happened too fast in a seemingly time compressed manner.

I was chatting with one of NJ's friends on FB the other morning and was given the advise to watch out for "Sum Zero", that we cannot cheat Nature, one day Nature will come back and bite us if we are not careful.

So I was cautioned to slow down and not try to TRY too hard to do everything.
It is true, I believe that too, and how often we forget to stay in the present.

There are too much going on in my life now.
Too much stuff in my mind too..
And too much burden on the heart.

And all these led to some thoughts.. are they realisations? or am I still in the process of searching?

The Search /Realisation

Sometimes I think one is better off being blissfully ignorant.
Some things, once lost, are hard to recover.
Such as faith. Such as trust. Such as love.

I think faith and love provide one with great strength to overcome the odds.
However, the lack of them instill much doubts, which insidious as they are, once planted, grow and are a force to reckon with as they are hard to stop.

And I think doubts do not necessarily only require betrayal to sprout and grow.
They can follow when one's faith is shaken - in oneself's ability to fight, in the future, in the greater world out there and in the other people.

To try and recover the faith or to take a leap is a painful process.
Because of the doubts. And the fear - fear of pain. Fear of disappointment. Fear of the tears.

If you have shed tears, the wrenching kind that cannot be stopped no matter how hard you try, you may be afraid. To go through that - again.

Someone told me that many people strive to fight for things that they think are worth fighting for. I wonder what gives these people the will to fight, if they have already experience the pain and disappointment.

Many times, I think it is easier to give up and walk away.
People are always asking me to stay and fight.
So as to hold dear what is worth fighting for.
To give what was - what had been - another chance.

To do that, I need an balm to achieve amnesia.
I need to be able to forget.
Maybe with time I will since I am always really forgetful.
I hardly remember the reason for quarrel many a time.
Maybe eventually I will.

Until then, I need patience and understanding I guess.
For my doubts. For my ambivalence. For my lack of faith.

你不是真正的快乐

Have been hearing and watching this MV a lot on TV.
And each time, I feel a lot of resonance with it.
Some of the lyrics are scary... in its simplicity and yet with it, the ability to convey the feelings for some people at certain point in time.

03 你不是真正的快樂.mp3 - 五月天

五月天-你不是真正的快乐

人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会
梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了
你已经决定了

你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜
就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则
不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
然后才后悔着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下
你穿的保护色
为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着


I particularly like this part -

这世界笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪 飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

Sometimes, indeed, we are caught in situation where we do things, or made certain decisions not by choice, but because it is required or most expedient. sigh.

A winning Eve and a Quiet Chu Yi.

We had a nice reunion dinner last 2 nights, and ending lunar RAT 2008 with my final Mahjong win before Lunar Ox 2009 starts! FIL cooked on Saturday for the family, goodies which I can't eat except for the honey pork ribs, and we had BBQ and steamboat DIY on Sunday with my family. Much also which I cannot eat. However, I have my rather usual confinement food instead and had to be contented with that. Since my new year resolution this year is to be happy with simple pleasures...

Changed the boys to their new PJS to welcome the Ox year, and slept in late on the first day of lunar new year.

The 2 Baos then changed into their respective Bao-shirts to go visiting with Papa while I stayed home with Rui and confinement auntie.

It is a strange new year like that. But a peaceful one without the boys and for once, I caught the whole Count down program.

Nj said that En knows how to "ask" for Ang Bao on behalf of his brothers.. since many relatives do not know that we have a No. 3 or that no 3 has arrived!!

Apparently when relatives give him ang baos for him and di- di , he will say he has 2 di-di, and the relative will find hubby to verify the truth. A very thoughtful brother indeed, always looking out for his brothers..

As for the 2-ge, he is not interested in anything except for food, and trains.. apparently rather oblivious to everything else..

Here are some pics of the 2 rowdy boys, and Prince Rui.

Happy nuzzling after his feed, sleepy through his first new year! He was supposed to only arrived on the first day of Lunar New year, but am kinda glad he came early..

The playful brothers - one of whom is appropriately dressed to welcome the MOo year!

Cheeky Xuan - Check out the "Bao" word on his cool shirt!! Apparently many thought he is a gal, is it the pink top or the baggy pants or the shaggy hair?!!!

11 Days of Edric Yap Bao Rui

Thanks to all the well wishes for baby and our family. Appreciate all of it.
While the delivery has not been exactly a bundle of joy, but baby is a joy to be around for sure.. !!

Today just went to the Doc to check on the wound again and to tie up the loose ends by snipping off the knots.. and Doc prescribed this over 100 bucks cream meant to prevent the scar from becoming "nobbly" (i.e. not have skin folding across/ leaving a deep imprint) - in short, to make the scar looks nicer lah.

Think Doc Yeoh really feels very bad about the C-sect, and was really concerned with how I was coping with the C Sect.

You know I believe in signs, and while it was written in the horoscope that this delivery will be a difficult one (I am supposed to avoid the hospital this month according to the Fengshui book or I will have health related issues..).

When I delivered En and Xuan, everything was the same, from the inducement, to even the same midwife who helped. Even the delivery suite faced the same direction. And of course we had the same confinement auntie for En and Xuan then.

This time, we were ushered to a delivery suite that faced the opposite way, a different midwife, a different confinement auntie, a different cot, etc.. oh well.. it sounds a bit silly but we kinda know this baby is gonna be different.

Of course the costs incurred for him is extraordinarily different as well.. the emerg C Sect, the last minute decision to be in a single ward which amounts close to a 5 figure sum (while it was a good move ultimately since I needed help to do every little thing and needed NJ to be around round the clock), and CNY period which made confinement nanny's fees close to 5 figure for 3 mths of wk..

Well, but looking at Baby Bao Rui, one will smile at his cuteness.
He seems a relaxed baby, sleeping without a care in the world with hands stretched above his head or beside his head (very adult like), and even when awake, will be quietly observing the surroundings with his dark eyes.

He makes lots of little sounds when sleeping, but we learnt that he is usually not awake, just sounds accompanying his movements as he turns or moved his arms. And i love his little smiles when you speak to him, his assessing look when he tries to locate the sound of voices, and how he will purse his lips like a gal!

Weighing 3040g when delivered, he was down to 2915 when discharged. But a wek later he was weighting 3205g when he went to the PD to be cleared for his jaundice!! With his huge appetite, drinking a mightly 90ML at barely 2 weeks old, it is no wonder!!

And here I am with a hard time trying to catch up on his consumption.
My only regret is really the time he spent in NICU, and me in my bed due to the severe C sect pain. That delayed the latching for a good 3 days. That is my greatest regret. As Bao Rui is a patient baby, unlike En, and he suckled very well, much like Xuan, so it will have been really easy to feed him. however, with his jaundice that was so high, he was given formula to help flush out the bilirubins. And that made latching him challenging, especially with his huge appetite.

However, I have not given up, i am slowly building on the volume through pumping, and as of today I manage to pump half of his feed each time. If he is not such a big eater, it might have been quite adequate.. however with time, i am sure I will catch up.

I just regret not being able to latch.. with him, I miss that closeness when I am not latching him..
Maybe cuz he is so sweet.. yeah, I am partial to sweet guys!!

As for how the brothers are coping, many have asked..
Well, En is really affectionate with baby, stroking his head, patting and holding Bao Rui's hand, and telling visitors about Bao Rui who is his brother. He is well aware he has 2 brothers now and enjoys calling baby Bao Rui.

As for Xuan, he calls Bao Rui "bb" and will say "cry" even when Bao Rui is not crying. think he associate Baby with crying since he first heard the baby through the baby monitor. And in his usual rowdy rambuctiousness, sometimes we are worried that he will accidentally hurt baby, so we will usually restrain Xuan or keep an extra close eye when he is nearby.

So far so good.. it is a bit tiring with the regualr pumping and the middle of night alarms to wake and pump, but the post birth this time has been much better, if not for some other issues I had to grapple with.. sigh.

Changed?

"Females are made of water" - it was said. For the past week, I have to agree.
For the past week, it seems that tears flow easily like a loose tap.

It has only been a short week, but it has been a week of much self realisation and discovery.

Delivering Bao Rui has been life changing to some extent to me. Of course a series of post birth incidents and events also heightened the awareness.

I have always thought I am a female of strength, and with fortitude in matters of the heart, and unbearably weak in matters of the flesh, being totally non pain tolerant at all.
I never thought of myself as weak. And especially not dependent on others.
I also thought I am the kind who can cut the strings and just walk away when I put my mind to it. I thought I can be selfish and self centered when I want to.

But perhaps, motherhood has softened me. Or maybe my priorities have changed...

Things that I thought I will not be able to tolerate, I swallowed.
Pain that thought I could not withstand, I bear with it (not that I am given much choice to begin with).
And when it comes to the kids, I am unbearably weak. I can't bring myself to be selfish, or think for myself more..

Before I even saw Bao Rui, i was already attached to him. Of course, him being diagnosed with G6PD deficiency only make me feel more protective of him.

When faced with a choice of taking good care of myself by consuming all the confinement food/ herbs or to breastfeed Bao Rui, whom with his G6PD meant that I can't take the herbal stuff that are better for me, I wish i can be more selfish to care for myself. Especially the toll that the Cesarean that had taken on me.

When I should have just walked away from certain issues, which I would have in the past, I find myself wanting to give excuses and rationalising myself into accepting those issues which were unacceptable before.

It was a bitter pill to swallow. As that means I am no longer a free agent, free to act as per what my will dictates.

It means I am compromising myself. And I hate that feeling of compromising my beliefs.

Sometimes I feel very "wei 3 Qu 1".

If one is no longer happy, or faith is no longer there, can one still continue the journey for the sake of others?

是我想太多?

是我想太多
你总这样说但你却没有真的心疼我
是我想太多我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

他霸占了你的心中属于我的角落

Yap Bao Rui

Finally.. Bao Rui arrived.
Unexpected and in a totally different manner from his brothers.

I gave birth to Bao Rui on 10 Jan, when my water bag burst around noon. Bao Rui was not delivered till 17:25 pm eventually via an emergency Cesarean.

The day before, I just had a doc's appt and did the ECG which indicated some labor contractions, and Doc said that while baby may decide to come any time, we still have an appointment for the subsequent Thursday when we decide on the day in inducing baby on the 38 week.

But Bao Rui took matters into his own hands.
My water bag burst, and thinking it will be a speedy delivery, i was much dismayed and distressed to learn that baby was in distress, with rapid heartbeats.
Hence I could not be induced nor let labor take its own course; a C section was the safest option.

Not wanting to be further distressed by an epidural C sect, I opted for GA, which turned out to be what caused me the greatest pain in my life.

When i woke up, it was only to find Baby in ICU and it was another 2 days before I saw him, before that all my impression of him was through a video clip and photos that NJ took.

And i was in such pain that it was impossible to get out of bed.
Despite the painkillers, turned out I was allergic to the ones they usually prescribed for C section patients, so the mix of the rest did not do much pain relief for me.

It was a 3 days later that Bao Rui was discharged from the ICU, but instead of rooming with us as anticipated, he continued his brothers' tradition of super high jaundice level (at 290) and had to be in nursery all the time for phototherapy.

HE could only be discharged on the 5th day, so we spent another day in hospital with him so that I can try to catch up on feeding him..

We even had to rent the photo therapy home , as his jaundice only came down slightly and in order to come home, he has to complete his light therapy. By the time i was writing this entry, his level has come down significantly and can be off his phototherapy for the first time!!

It was an immensely tramatising event for me to go through C section and the level of pain I was subjected to.
I was in physical pain all the time for the 1st 3 days, and always crying because of the pain.
By the time I wrote this entry, I just visited the doctor to discover i had various inflammation - both of the wound as well as the area surrounding the wound because of my sensitivity towards the dressing.

And this is probably because I was taken off antibiotic while I was in hospital as that gave me diarrhea for the first 2 days, in addition to the pain. So today i was prescribed antibiotic cream as well as some more antibiotics.

In any case, here are the pics..

Watching the End of Little Nonya and thinking about True Love

This morning I was reading Blinkymummy's blog entry about True Love - how scientists have discovered what true love is - "couples who demonstrated the same mental 'love maps' to animals who mate for life, the likes of swans and grey foxes" (? - that is new to me).

The only question I have after going through the article is what leads to these "mental maps"? Are some people more capable than others or does it depend on meeting the right person? Like if we meet the right person, then we will have true love..???

Then tonight i spent 2 hours watching a disappointing ending to the Little Nonya .. and what struck me most of the entire 2 hour episode is the following advise Yueniang gave to her grand daughter on love and choice..

"The one whom you love may not treat you well.
The one who treats you right may not be the one you love.
However, happiness lies in your own hands ( or choices)..."

(the above is translated cuz my Chinese software [dunno why] dun wk, have to correct that when I go back to wk, that is if i remember the words by then still..)

So the message seems to be - you can choose to love or be loved. Either way, happiness is in your own hands, so there is no such thing as an "objective" true love?

Hm.. that is why sometimes, I think SOME relationships are full of passion. Some are full of ration-ale. Unless the passion is guaranteed like for the swans, to last a lifetime, then more often than not, the rational relationship (based on assessment of compatibility, one's expectations and needs in life etc) may have more chances of succeeding.

I have observed that not all people marry the person they love most.
They marry the most suitable person whom they meet at the "stage" or period of time when they are thinking of marriage.

Maybe this is a uniquely Singaporean mentality, that by a certain age, you marry, instead of, I meet this person and it is the person I will marry, no mater what age I am at (cuz other things like studies, NS, ability to afford a flat etc etc are considerations).

So more often than not, when a person starts work, can afford a HDB or something then they think of marrying the person they are with. However, sometimes, that person may not THE love of his/ her life..

Sad is it not, if it is the case?
Maybe pragmatic Singaporeans do not value passion a lot?

In the Little Nonya, the ending seems to depict Felicia Chin choosing the guy who loves her more/ treats her right..

Maybe it is always safer to love a person who loves you more.
However, the romantic in me also feel that to not have experience grand passion will be regrettable. Yet, one must have confidence that the passion is sustainable over time to allow the relationship to withstand changes in both parties, difficulties that emerge, life stage or priority changes ..

Will Passion be more apt to sustain a relationship through that, or will Rationale be more suitable to carry the relationship through?

I believe more men choose their spouse based on rationale. More females choose their spouse based on passion. and in that, do we have a fine balance or a mis-match of expectations? Hard to tell..

If one is not greatest love in the partner's life at that point of time, if the relationship sustains over time, can one then BECOME the passion/ greatest love for that partner?

I dunno.. I am just thinking..
And still thinking..
But definitely intriguing.
Do we ever analyse our motivations when dealing with matters in love?
Should we?
hmmm...

Back Dated Photos and Mood Swings..

Well.. here are some back dated pics of the kids at Botanic gardens last. As promised.








































Some are asking why I abandon blogging once hubby is back..
Eh..

1. too busy with the festive gatherings esp. since NJ is back 2. nothing interesting has happened except for the gathering and some simple pleasures.. 3. had been thru a cycle of mood swings in like 5 days.. too much to blog about..
All in all, it has been a hectic start to the new year.
Spent some time with hubby and kids, and its the whole cycle of sweets and fights .. i guess its a universal patterns of ups and downs..

I am a tad tired.
And now a bit panicky cuz last visit to doc revealed that we may have to deliver baby on the 12 Jan or thereabouts.. cuz my sugar levels are really bad, and instead of having insulin jabs during the 38 weeks, doc much prefer to deliver the baby if we have gotta do the insulin jabs.

Hence, I am also a very gd gal, trying to keep to small small meals and cut out the sugar so hopefully we can deliver baby a bit later?

It is like i have not done up the nursery and prep all the baby stuff yet.
So super stressed. Not to mention all the hand over for work and stuff.. I gotta clear out my desk!

Hubby is stressed too since he has 2 more papers to submit. Until then, he also can't do anything for the baby.. too busy mugging! argh!!

And we have not really decided on the baby name yet...
Likely to be Bao-Rui (4) but dunno which character to use yet! and also, the english name is not fixed yet..
So we are not prepared.. Not keen to have a nameless baby..
Argh...

Let's see.. living by the day now, but the D-Day stress is getting to me.
Coupled with problems with THE maid, life is turning more chaotic than ever.
I just want THE current maid OUTTA the house ASAP.
She is aggravating my mood swings.

I really tried to remember that some ppl cannot help being what they are.
But in my current state, I have almost zero tolerance for senseless people.
It is easier for me to do the tasks, like feeding etc. It also just means i ll be more tired.

But i figured better tired than to have to scream and bring about contractions, right?
Especially when i suspect the screaming will not help the mentally challenged much. Seriously.
sigh.

Such is the story if my pathetic life. Argh!
me hope this is not the start of something blues....