6 month milestone

Time flies..

Bao Rui was 6 months 2 weeks back.
It was an amazing 6 months.
The time just seemed to whizz by with endless rounds of tasks to do..

In this 6 months some things stayed poignantly the same...

Rui still has very fine, little hair, almost like a botak boy. His hair has not changed.
Rui's love for sleeping remains the same as he zzz from 7-5 ish and then dozing to 7 am again..
Rui still rubs his eyes when he is sleepy, lays his hand over his eyes as if to warn off those who dare to disturb his beauty sleep.

Rui's impish sparkling smile remains the same, always lighting up the day in the morning and then dwindling off into a stubborn frown that cannot be teased or coaxed away towards the end of the day..

While other minor changes have taken place too..

He is starting to enjoy eating, his lips always gnawing excitedly when he sees us eating

He is starting to grab at everything and putting everything he grabs into this mouth..

He has learnt to flip over and sit up, and these days trying to heave himself forwards..

He learnt to laugh out loud and squeal, and he did that the first time I place a stack of stacking cups in front of him, seeming to know those as his toys instinctively..

And he has 2 cute teeth on his lower jaw, always peering out cutely when he smiles..

And I have been breastfeeding him for 6 months plus.. while I keep telling myself I will soon stop.. It is a record for me to perservere for so long, but I keep telling myself that I am not working, I feel very guilty if I do not continue. After all, it is kinda a luxury to be able to stay home with the kids for this amount of time. Much as I sometimes doubt the "power" of breastmilk, I find it very hard to stop. 

As it took a lot of effort to build the milk volume to what it is now,  particularly in this case when I did not latch him for the initial 3 days when he was first born. it was a perpetual game of catch up and mindgame to will the milk to come. I really worked hard to arrive at what it is today, not to mention all the travel and the mastitis sagas disrupting the schedule.

But at the end of the day, it is immensely tiring esp when there are 3 kids in all. 

Pumpin takes up a lot of time. And I feel very tired all the time actually.

Many times I wonder if I am making use of this period of stay at home mum time optimally..

- Have I rested well?

- Have I spent enough quality time with all the kids? 

- Have i done something for myself - those long list of things that I been wanting to do..

There are a lot of questions, but the answer remains the same .. if I can breastfeed as long as it is good for Rui, why not? 

Coupled with the paranoia with the medical system here, I am really fearful of Rui falling ill, especially when the 2 brothers are now in school and hence more vulnerable to illnesses.

Still, at some point I will have to stop.. and kinda rest.. 

I dunno when it will be yet, but it has to be sometime soon..

While my mind and heart battle over when to stop, I am happy just to see Rui grow and smile!

Not all mummies are the same..

I read with much envy and disbelief at the report, or more precisely the photo, of Kelly Chen leaving the hospital post birth!

And I conclude that indeed, not all mummies are made equal well if you know what I mean.

She looks fab lor, I mean how to have a figure like that in the first place post birth in less than a month.

And how to have the effort to dress up like that to leave hospital leh?

I mean even if I have an army of nannies at my command, I will find it tough to look like that..
Maybe that explains why we are not celebrities bah..
It is just well, incredible to me.

Even now, as I am a SAHM, I feel really bad being a slob.
Just the other day, as we went out for dinner and I dress a tad better, it made En said "Mummy, you look nice".

So on all the other days, well, I dun look nice lah! sigh...
What, seriously, is the incentive for looking nice for a SAHM?

Or are we, SIngaporean, more pragmatic than other girls of other nations???

Finally!!

Hooray!! Finally I found a way to access blogspot and wordpress.. beyond the great Firewall of China. However, it seems to be a trade off for the lack of access to Facebook (which was formerly accessible).

This epitomises life in China. To a very large extent, change is constant.

Building appear everyday; shops literally spring up overnight. Steps get built in the middle of the night and the next day you have shiny new steps to climb.

Regulations are evolving, what is possible today get changed and becomes impossible in a matter of weeks. That is how I end up in Hong Kong for visa extension but that is another story..

It also epitomises our life in China, it is all about coping with changes.


As Rui move into the weaning stage, his routine changes, even his looks seem to change. The extent of his mobility changes rapidly as well.


As Xuan continues to cope insecurely with all the changes, he continues to find means to adapt to the new environment.


And En continues to grow up rapidly into a mini adult - bossing over his brothers and us, playing teacer to Xuan and me and learning from the new environment along the way.

It IS overwhelming and many times I cannot believe I am living this life. Frankly.
What was planned did not necessarily turn out the same, e.g. we do not manage to find a suitable and capable nanny, and I learnt that it is simply chaotic to live a life without assumptions.

When you are in a familiar environment, you have a set of assumptions to work with, which most people will concur with and thereby they also make similiar sets of assumptions. Hence, people are able to understand and get along reasonably amicably.

In this world, I find that our old assumptions are contiually being challenged. We have to pick up new assmptions quickly or risk being immensely frustrated.

For now, I am just happily relishing my new found freedom online. I learn to really appreciate many litte thngs that we have taken for granted in our world in Singapore. And I am glad we have this chance to learn and see things that we have taken for granted in new light.

*_*

Farewell

It seems to be lots of farewells around.

Not cuz we are leaving for China, but many colleagues left at work.

And I feel like we also have to say farewell to College Green, our home, farewell to Momo for somemonths, friends here and plan farewell party for the boys with their classsmates as they will not be going to school for a few months...

So in the sense of compressed time it is a LOT of Farewells. And I even said farewell to my wedding ring, since I seem to have lost it. argh. Dun wanna think about that.

And lots of packing - at home, at work and our luggages.

The boys have their on flight trolley bags out to pack their toys and books on board.

En is seasoned. He went to his book shelf andlook and walkedaround the toyroom...

Xuan onlyhas all theThomas items in his thomas bag, the trains, the waterbottle and thomas books. sigh. Recently He deteriorated to only wearing Thomas tees -we have only 3 of them, so gotta wash them fast enuf for him to change. I wonder if it ever ends?

Only 5 more days to go..

Here is a pic of Rui that I snapped today, the cutiepie is really interactive these days.

Always cooing when I speak to him.

Smiling. Started grabbing things and putting them in his mouth to explore.

Sigh. It is fun to watch him develop.

And to watch him watch me.

Lots more pics to come, i only manage to get his,before my camera ran out its "energy".

And Oh, I may need to do a farewell entry, as apparently, China has blocked blogspot again!!!

Oh, sigh.

So i will continue with facebooknote then.

If that is the case, feel free to add me in your facebook for updates from China if you find myblog stagnant for a while after Sunday..



Adieu friends!!

Catch..

1. Catch Up



It has been almost a month since I blogged, a real cold turkey month for me.
Well, much of it is attributed to my lousy computer, which has a bad "scar" on its screen which inhibits me from reading anything or writing anything properly I have to resize the screen again and again to read simple news properly. Too much effort. I wished I can get a new laptop...

It has also been hectic, as there are a lot of ups and downs. And the kids are sick.. the usual potent flu bug which gave the kids the full works of cough, runny nose, fever and even rash on Xuan.

so I ran a pharmacy again for 2 weeks, and Xuan got so bad that he had to be on the nebuliser. And we had a screaming, kicking and violent kid in the house everytime he has to be put on the nebuliser. Thankfully by the 3rd day, he got used to the machine and the treat of sweets after that, so he was much calmer thru the process. But his fear is apparent as he kept saying "scared" and he labelled the machine "bad". sigh..

2. Catch-er..


The 2 boys drive me kinda nuts with their perpetual game of catcher.. screaming as they run through the house. While i should be happy with their bonding, but whentheir screams woke Rui up fromthe nap and I have a screaming and angry baby (who is usually most peaceful and jovial), my urge to scream and have a meltdown myself is imminent.

These are days of much self control.. kinda prepping for days of me as a stay at home month for the coming half a year. While i am glad to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mum for the 3 kids (thanks to my office arrangement for granting me the no pay leave), i recognise that it is a real challange to me...

3. Caught by..

I am always caught by how cute the boys are - I admit.
I know all parents feel pride in how their kids have grown, and it is natural.
But when I see their photos, or have a glimpse of their antics.. i find them really adorable sometime. The 3 boys all look so different, and have such different temperament, it makes parenting them a real experience in human nature.

En - always engrossed in his books, drawing or practising his numbers or alphabets.. This little boy seem to have acquired an innate love for the "bookish". He loves to read and do his exercises and it is a a joy to read to him, and huture his love for learning.

Xuan - always gibberish, dancing with a cheeky smile full of exuberance and never failing to charm his way with everyone. While he is definitely not bookish, it is a joy to just go along with what he wants to do. Just to see his dimpled smile.. but this boy does need to start to learn and speak properly soon - he is like 25 mths already but he is still mono-syllabic and behaves like a PG kid rather than the N1 kid that he is...

Rui - always cooing, swinging his arms and legs and smiling at ayone who looks at him... He is joy to hold and smell. At 3 mths, he is wearing clothes of 9-12 mths, really large for his size... but he has recently started developing the bad habit of not wanting to finish his milk. Other than this, he is a real joy to be around. Of all the 3 kids, I have to say i enjoy time with him as a baby most (no screaming like En, and more interactive than Xn as a baby), this one lights me up like nothing can, even if I only have 3 hours of sleep a day after tending to his sick brothers and in between the regular pump schedule.

Sigh... so my life goes on... ad here are the backdated and recent pics..

Vulgar...

I have been too busy busy busy since coming back..
But I want to record the following:

1. En showed me his vulgar sign on 16 April, rather innocently, of which I told him if I ever see him do that ever again, I will put him on the naughty seat as it is a bad sign which will offend others.
He seemed shocked at my response, and would not tell me where he learnt the vulgar sign from...

2. On the positive sign, while I was coming back and stuck at the China customs (that is another colourful story), I learnt that En was crying and crying, seated on his sofa when He heard that, worried sick over whether Rui and I will be able to come home.

3 On the same evening that he was worried if i was able to return, he sat on his sofa and thought for a while, and asked my mum..
"Mummy's birthday over already?"
Yes, mu mum answered, though my next birthday will come next year.
En thought for a while and said, "I want to buy flowers, make nice nice in paper and send to mummy."
My mum was puzzled why he would want to send, when i am around but he insisted that the flowers have to be sent. When my mum told him that if he will behave himself and fight less with Di-di, I will be very happy even without the flowers, En apparently pondered for a while, then asked my mum seriously, "You sure?" hhahahaha, that makes me laugh more than anything else.

4. Xuan has been babbling lots and seemed to have grown up suddenly. at 27 month, he just started articulating comprehensible words, but many of which are still just... babble. however, he is a most funny child, ever ready to dance to music and make funny expressions, such as putting both hands on his cheek and make funny faces at me.

His cognitive skill seemed to also bemore developed than we anticipated, because when the confinement aunty returned to Singapore ahead of me, when Xuan first saw her, he went to her and asked, "where, baby?". he shocked everyone as no one really think that he would understand what is happening in the house, much less recognise the fatc that aunties looks after baby and has gone to china with baby...

5. We realise we may have been depriving Xuan of new toys as I noticed that he treated a cheap SGD 2 dollar bear pencil case we got for him from china really preciously. He hugged it everywhere he goes, like his Thomas trains that are only his, and when I saw him take the bear and point to the sofa seat, and proceeded to bring the bear there to seat the bear on the seat, arranging the body of the bear nicely so that the bear sits nicely and squarely on the seat, my heart went out to him..

This little bear, which was a whim purchase by the by and not even intended originally for him (but brought back to Singapore with the intention to avoid having him fight with En whom we bought a similar rabbit pencil case and who really needed a pencil case more than Xuan), was just a 2 dollar cheap purchase for me.
But for Xuan, the little boy who mostly had hand me downs and not much new toys (since we have aroomful of toys), to him, the bear is a precious and cherished gift from us.

6. Both Xuan and En were caring towards Rui most of the times, eager to play with him by making funny faces, or gently touching Rui's hands. BUt Xuan surprised us most, when he gave up his "royal sofa seat" which he always sits on for his TV shows for Rui to lie. He pointed to his seat and said "Didi" and he promptly went to sit on the seat next to it, willng to give up his seat (Which apparently no adult could sit on without being chased away by him) to baby Rui.

7. En is also caring and loving towards Xuan. When grandparents bought Xuan his new precious crocs with Thomas add ons, En kept Xuan's shoes in the house, claiming that "because Didi's shoes are new". When Popo asked him what aout his own shoes, why are they left outside the house, he replied that "his shoes are old, so can leave outside" O_O

8. baby Rui is hefty 7 plus kg at 3 months (for the record, En is over 15 kg at 40 plus mths), and a very swet baby who has learnt to sleep thru the night from 8 pm - 4 or 5 am. and when awake, he is always cooing and babbling and never fails to give us a smile when we play with him..

A month away, I come back filled with stories as well as little observations of how much the kids have grown. and how each of them brings me a different kind of joy. I am really savouring it, as I am forever worried that these moments slipped by too fast for me to catch them and hold them in my palms for just a tiny little while...

Days of Madness in beijing..

I have not been blogging cuz I was/ am sick sick with Mastitis..

And had the experience of my life "experimenting" with the different hospitals in China...

It started mild enough, some pain and fever, and we went AnE in the evening 2 Sundays ago when my fever went up to 40 and i was having both the fever and the chills (yes, never knew tat's possible!)

And at the hospital, a public but specialist hospital for Maternity, females and kids, the system was chaotic. I thought that is typical of the Chinese chaos anyway, until we went to the expat hospital and you realised the difference. 

Well but we are trying to acclimatise here right, and to be fair, this is the only hospital where they specialise in lactation services. No other hospitals I went to subsequently has massage/ laser light therapy or even daily consult with the doctors specialising in mastitis.. (yes they have that, apparently so common in China that every hospital i go to, I see fellow females seeking treatment for the

 same ailment.. I blame the winter.. which probably made our milk ducts contract or something...  though NJ say I am crazy to think this way since he says our body temperature remains the same and we not cold blooded - well maybe I am leh... doctor verify pls..)

In the hospital, they make u pay for EVERY minor procedure.. at every point. Supreme division of labor if some sociologists want to study the system.. no collation of payment at the end of the day.. and u run around this like 4 tower building for all the difference processes - payment, blood test, labs, Q for consult, the Consult, meds, therapy, masage, photoray etc..

it is rather exhausting. When my condition deteriorated, cuz the doctor only prescribed like 3 days of anti biotics since I refused to be warded, the condition worsened when the antibiotics stopped. 

So i have to go back and succumed to the drip.

And that was another nightmare, they dun ve beds to ward me, so i have to be on day drips.

I go into an open area, i mean really open ok... with different stations for pumps, photo ray and massage all in the same tiny room with no demarcation and you are supposed to just take off your tops for the treatment (china apparently has no respect much for urm.. privacy? - thank god I am Hungary trained when it comes to public baths, if all females, i am not that bothered seriously, but still it seemed a bit crazy to me)

then I went for day trips where the nurse, while efficient, just abuse the patients..

Ok, how so? Check out the conversations I overhear while seated in an uncomfortable chair bearing out the 3 bottles of drip on a 5 hr period..

Incident 1: "you scared of pain?" said the nurse to the patient who came in for an injection of some sort in her tummy. "Then you want kids or not? want to deliver babies or not? If you want, then scared of pain for what..." DUH DUH... for info, until my surgery, My previous 2 births are pain free ok. Even when the nurses draw blood at the hospital, they are v careful when I told them I am totally non pain tolerant...

Incident 2: A fellow mastitis mum had allergic reactions to the drip and was taken off the same drip that i am going thru quickly. she had shortness of breathe and was rescued by the nurses and doc - at her seat. OK.. then she was asked to go home as she could not take the drip treatment anymore. However, she was very weak from the reaction she had to the drip and could not get up. 2 hours later, while she was still resting there, the nurse walked by and said "you are still here? Still cannot get up and walk yet?" In a loud and "why are you still here kinda tone" - DUH! People pay to be on the treatment, now cannot go thru treatment, just got rescued and this is your bedside manner? DUH DUH DUH..

Incident 3: Husband overheard this conversation... 

A pregnant lady on drip was really feeling uncomfortable, retching into a bag, and accompanied by her mother in law.

The nurse went over to chat, found out she is pregnant and said to the mother in law that some months back, there was also another pregnant lady, and she lost her baby after that... DUH!!!!

It is simply atrocious. and very RIDICULOUS lor.

The next day, I dreaded going back, but had to as there was some reduction in the pain and I thought, perhaps the drip was working..

However, when I went in at 10, the same nurse was not around, she strolled in leisurely some couple of minutes later, but with a crowd at her heels all awaiting to be put on drip as well.

She got hassled and started complaining about patients who come all at once, at 10 am (she is due for lunch at 1130) who should have come earlier.. (duh, is it not her job?!!!) 

I sat down, wanted to give her my meds (3 huge drip bottles lor), she chased NJ out of the room, and I waited. I waited and waited, while she put all the other patients who came after me on drip first. I asked for assistance and she asked me to wait. So i i still waited while watching the minutes go by, acutely aware that she will go for lunch and if I finish the drip by 1, and she is not around, I dunno who will help me. 

NJ came in the room 3 times to make sure I was ok, but was appalled to see me still waiting. 

And the stupid nurse had to cheek to complain about spouse who keep coming in 3 times. I wanted to scream at her and said, given he came in 3 times, you still have yet to put me on drip despite me coming here first, and knowing I am a foreigner!! I tried to stay cool, and waited.. increasingly impatient and frustrated.

I saw her blame a patient for having thick veins or something which led to her not being able to insert the drip. And she had to poke the other hand twice. I think she was just taking out her harrasssment and frustration on the patients.

When the clock showed 10:30 and I am still not served, I got up, stormed to the door and turned around and said, "If you are not helping me, I am getting out of here."

I saw all the patients looking shocked, but none as shocked as her. 

I stalked out of the room., slammed the door and dumped all the meds in the dustbin and stormed off.

We went off to the Sino-Japanese Hospital after that and it was a DRAMATICALLY nicer experience. The bed sheets looked cleaner, registration was prompt, and I did not have to wait, the nurses who are competent and conversant in various languages including Japanese will ask about the condition, and assign a relevant doctor who will come down to a central comfortable waiting area and look for the patient. WIN!!! I no longer had to run around different buildings as I just wait in the same place.

This is the hospital assigned to Olympics Atheletes and I do think they know how to serve international patients who are really sick and lost. Imagine me at the earlier hospital in AnE running at 40 degree fever and still asked to run around to pay, different building for different diagnosis (if NJ was not with me and I had to do that alone, i would have collapsed with exhaustion and killed by watever ailment I had)

But wait, the best part was this - when the doctor at the Sino- Japanese hospital saw my medical and treatment history, he actually said the drip i was given was not "safe"... sigh.. it was a nightmare which I am too glad to be out of..

I went back subsequently for treatment, drip on 1 day and insisted on anti-biotics later and saw an specialist who diagnosed other problems on me quite accurately which I will have to follow up in SG, I am glad to be well again. Seriously. 

I had to sign on papers to say i do not want a IV drip treatment, but other than that, all was well, the nurses were especially attentive. And the best part was, my entire treatment is CHEAPER here at the better grade hospital (cuz I recovered faster) than at the disasterous one!!

A lesson i learnt is once we reach certain standards for fundamentals like healthcare, education etc, there is simply NO TURNING BACK. I tried to acclimatise, but it is a backward system which I simply find NOT acceptable!

hence, well, in health and in education, money pays and buys the best we can afford. It is a true fact and I have learnt my lesson well.

Am happy to out the saga behind me, with much colourful stories to tell back in Sg and ppl coming to China, and well, we do have happy moments after I recovered. More on that later, but for now, pics of Rui in China!!!

A stressful week II

And so the saga continues..

I have rested for some time now in BJ, and feel slightly better today to continue.. 

Maybe it is the sunlight, maybe its cuz I have a good 5 hr sleep yesterday, at the expense of missing my pump at 5 am ($%^&@)

12 March

7am - Making the Move..

Piles of bags lying around..

Auntie and my bags to KL, Aunties' bag packed with Rui's playpen, Drypers (cuz the quality of economy diapers in China is questionable, so while we can get Mammy Poko for the nights and outings, the usual day use diapers are lacking ...), some clothes and cold wear from us and parents and parents in law..

My bag is filled with lactation supplements, 1 change of clothes, and pumps and bottles..

Rui, while going on a 2D1N trip, has like a cooler tub piled with ice and frozen BM, his bag of clothes, mittens, booties, bath time items, rocker for his day time naps, a cooler bag of freshly pumped BM, his book of feeds and poo with timings in them for Nanny's ref, and my list of cautions and notes for his G6PD condition, how to thaw BM and feed chilled BM (though nanny must know but I am taking extra pre-caution as I want to make sure the milk are served properly.. ), and a list of habits and no-no, like no 'Yaolan', not carrying for long, his noises at night which does not warrant much attention when he stretches etc..

And then we are ready to depart..

8:am - saying good bye to the Tods..

Xuan is easy enough.. hugs and kisses and he sems most happy/ oblivious..

En is a much trickier.. 

So i told him mummy is going to work, and Auntie is going home, and I will be back the next night, promising to call him from KL often.

It is a bit heart wrenching to hear him ask if I am going to China - but that I will have to deal with later..

 8:30 - 2:30 pm - Arriving in KL

So we dropped off Rui at the nanny, and checked in at the airport to fly to KL.

Interestingly, we met Michelle Chong and Adam Chen checking in behind us, and in the end, seated right behind us on Air Asia (think they are shooting an Air Asia Sponsored program), and right before getting off, we heard that they are also staying at Mid Valley Mall  - but at Bolovard hotel, the other hotel attached to the mall..

On the way and in between times slots, I pumped and throw my BM away (wastage, wastage, wastage), continue my calls with the tour agencies in both SG and MY to confirm tickets, visa etc and by the time, I arrived in KL, I was exhausted. 

But elated that things are going well, agent picked up auntie's passport, with an arrangement to meet at 530 pm the next day with an approved visa and air ticket for boarding.

For the rest of the day, I slept, pumped, ate and shopped..

Am glad we chose Mid Valley Mall, and to stay at Citatel, the mall is totally self sufficient, with baby and travel shops that meet all our needs, extensive eateries to choose from, and I even bought lactation supplements from GNC to stock up for my 1 mth in China.

And the best part is, we do not have to leave the hotel/ Mall!! Savings on time as we avoid the bad traffic jams in KL, and saving $$ on transport. Me feel so right abt the choice of stay!!

13 March

9am - 4pm

Continued the usual pump, and shop and eat routine, while making sure tickets and visas are cliche free..

5pm : Getting ready to depart

Auntie is all packed and ready for China, she picked up some bb items that China do not have or are of questionable quality and helped us bring them along. Her visa and ticket came, we paid for everything in cash, and got the nice cab uncle to pick us up to both the international airport for auntie and the domestic airport for me.. 

I am getting ready to return to SG with long list of packing items to pack for Rui and Myself to China. 

7 - 11pm

I sent auntie to KLIA to take her international flight, making sure she is checked in alright with a crew assistant to bring her to the boarding gate. I must say, in this aspect, the KLIA is efficient and great as the counter staff asked me if we require such a service before I even have to asked, when he saw that auntie is travelling alone, and I am trying to manage her documents and explained to her where the boarding gates are.

Then I hurriedly leave once auntie is in good hands to catch my domestic flight home.

By the time I arrived at Changi, I am quite exhausted, not to mention wth a day of erractic milk pumps which stressed me quite a bit mentally.

11:30 pm - Home sweet Home but dreading the leaving again.. Still have not figured out what to tell En for my long disappearance.. If he knows I go China with Rui without him, am real scared he will be upset and angry with us, since we made an earlier promise that once Rui is big enough to travel, we will bring him. Nj kept saying that we cannot tell him, as he will be heart broken... so it seems that white lie we must much as I hate it.. 

***********************************************************************

14 march - A day of Prep and Dread

8am - 1 pm: The rapid shopping mode..

Woke up bright and early, (without much sleep actually since Rui was waking up for his feeds and was a bit cranky..) to make sure I have mentallly run thru all the missing items and have them noted down to be purchased.

Have checked on the internet that all the shops I need can be located centrally at Jurong point, so i went there early to get started for a One Stop shop.

Came back home after getting most items to prepare for the major Packing..

12pm - 3 am

I packed like crazy in between my pumps..

Interviewed a potential Philippino maid in between since this is my last day and the agent was nice enough to try and arranged it. 

And in between this episode with En ensued..

8pm: Dealing with En

For some time now, En saw me putting things in and the tonnes of clothes piled on the sofa etc since he came back from his nanny's place (we deposited him there again, so we can all cope with the madness of packing).

He asked me where I am going, and I answered with Rui's milk bottles in my hands, that I am going to work and will be away for some time.

The very astute En, looked at the bottles in my hand, and asked 

"Why you bring that to work?" 

And i was stunned, and I said I am preparing things for Rui when I am away.

He seemed pacified, but it seemed more like he knew something was up and suspected that we are going to China without him.

I felt very torn, as I felt that if he had known I am going China without him, and he just accepted it without telling me, He would know I was lying to him. And I do not want to lie to him.

So I sms NJ that I will tell him some of the truth, even though it is still lying by omission, but there is some truth in it.

So I sat En down, and told him that I am bringing Rui to let Auntie look after.

Because Auntie can't stay in Singapore anymore, Auntie has to go and stay with Papa.

So I am bringing Rui to Auntie and after that I am back.

With this, it wouldn't seem like I am bringing Ru

i to China, to See Papa. But that Rui is going to Auntie. 

En is quite quick to piece the pieces together though, after hearing me out, he looked at me and asked if Rui and Auntie will sleep in Papa's bed, and that I will also sleep in Papa's Bed, and that Papa need to sleep somewhere else.

So, in the end, he still knows that Rui is going China, and will see Papa, but he figured that out himself. On our end, it is not for Rui to see Papa so much as Rui is going to see Auntie.

He seemed to accept it fine, but I feel that He felt sad. But he did not asked to go. I thought that is very sensible and brave of him..

And the next day before we left, I spoke to him as well, and while he seemed on the verge of crying, he did not, and did not ask to go. It was difficult leaving him like that, But i promised to skype him when I arrived. 

15 march: Leaving Singapore and Arriving in Beijing 

Rui and I took a tiring flight to Beijing. Thankfully, he slept through most of it, and was OK with the take off and the landing. Does not seem to affect his ears too much, as I let him suck on his pacifier.

I was able to bring on board the EBM I expressed, so I fed him that on board. I also latched him to feed as well as some forumla when he refused to latch sometimes.

All in all, Rui seems fine on the flight, and I am thankful that he is so cooperative and angelic. Minimal crying. The airline is definitely not what I will fly again, and flying alone is definitely a bit more challenging.

However, i must say if prep is done well, and timing is calculated properly to anticipate BB's needs, it an really be quite easy. My toughest was to carry the pram, bags and Rui - as I was always conscious that I am not supposed to carry anything heavier than Rui. For that, and the less than helpful crew, my wound pained a bit more

 than usual.. 

Anyways, so that ends the traumatic 3 days and I was exhilarated when we arrived. It was quite worth it when Rui smiles upon hearing auntie's voice. The 2 month old Rui is very good at recognising voices and differentiating who does what. That skill of his made it possible for me to latch him even though he is already close to 2 months back then. While he does not drink fully when latched, but i is really good enough to help stimulate the milk flow.

Some pics of Rui on flight and here.. and well, if anyone wants to know how I pack for both Rui and En to keep them peaceful on flight, let me know. I have the list ready - for travel again when we are all moving here.. sigh.. :)

Surviving a stressful week..

It has been a stressful week.. 

or I should day a stressful midweek..

I am now in Beijing with Rui and Nanny... The confinement auntie is taking refuge as the Singapore customs "kicked" her out of Singapore.. 

I want to share this chronologically so as to better appreciate the chaos and madness of the week..

The week started off well enough.. My BM supply reached 120ml per pump and i have extra to store for my impending trip to BJ in late March... The freezer is full with 2 boxes of frozen BM for Rui while I am not around..

11 March - The "bad news" hit

It is time for Nanny to go JB and have her passport stamped. It is her second month in Singapore thus far, and she is staying for a third. Since I still have yet to find a maid to either add on or replace my current one..

Time: 11 am. 

When Ye ye and nanny returned.. She said the customs can only give her 2 days stay as she has maxed out her 60 days days in Singapore.. !!!! The customs person then only said that she could get her extension at ICA. I went online to check and I tot she would qualify for Visit pass - turn out that is only for immediate family members. 

Time: 2pm at ICA

So when I went ICA, turned out they explained the 60/90 days rule to me briefly. I never knew there is a 60 out of 90 days rule for Malaysian. That they can only stay a max of 60 days in SG within the 90 days period. 

So auntie has to get out of singapore and away for a mth before she is allowed back!!

I was horrified and petrified, literally. Initially I could not understand what happened, cuz when auntie was employed by our neighbor, she employed her for 3 mths.. Turn out their situation may have been a result of a loophole in the cmputer's reading of 90 days or 3 mths.. It took NJ's friend some time to explain to me.. 

So we need to figure out what to do.

Time: 2:30 pm - the brains starts panicking

So auntie has to leave. And auntie has to stay out for a month to be safe, as we cannot bluff the computer since its middle fo the month. Minimally we need to stay 2 weeks but we cannot take the chance that we go somewhere and return only to find out that auntie is still barred from entering SG. 

I need auntie's help still, or be faced with option of looking after 3 kids, pumping 7-8 times a day and managing all these with my mum and the rather incompetent current maid. Not to mention I am supposed to be resting since the surgical wound still hurts on and off esp on days when i exert myself by running to too many places or not sleep enuf sometimes..

3:30pm - Deciding that we should go China.

I thought I might as well bring auntie with me to China, and bring forward my trip instead. 

I was naive, a call to the agency reminded me that 

1. Auntie needs a visa to China

2. My trip cannot be changed without penalties

3. Auntie needs to get out of Sg by 12 March and the china visa's fastest processing time is 3 days in SG

4. NJ and yeye  reminded me that China embassy only allows for visa application to be made in the morning.. and that means auntie has to apply and have visa approved the next day and leave the next day

The barriers seem insurmountable. 

4pm - idea struck

I thought the easiest way for auntie to leave is to go back Malaysia and we make plans from there. So KL is a start as that is where the embassy is.

So, I called my tour agent to explore options of changing my dates earlier and to buy Rui's ticket. Turn out Ru's ticket is v expensive under the same promo and not worth it. Husband asked me to buy a one way ticket, ut that turned out to be expensive too.. we rationalised that the cheapest option is to abandon my current ticket and buy a fresh one for rui and me under another promo..

The I called my Malaysia office for help on a tour agent in KL that can help auntie process her China visa in KL. Turned out my colleague was a great help as he said that all Malaysians need visa to china, so over there, they have express option of visa within a day.

And he gave me the office's tour agent which is super efficient and reliable. Except that the airport tax of MAS to china is ridiculously expensive, so even though the ticket is cheap, the total cost is 70% of rui and my ticket cost!

I called the tour agency in Malaysia and they advised me that the express within the day is the only option in order for auntie to go China this weekend. Or else, even with a 2 day express option which is cheaper, the application does not take into account Sat and Sun.

Finally, I went online to book my ticket to accompany auntie to go KL to help her manage the purchase of air ticket and the visa stuff. 

I also had to book hotel since we are leaving right early morning the next day, and I decided to stay at Citatel n Mid Valley mall, which will allow us to shop for all the prep stuff needed for China, since Auntie leave for China on Friday night, and I leave on Sunday, while waiting for tour agent to contact us there for application and purchase of air ticket. 

i next called Bao en's nanny to help look after Rui for a day and night while I stay with auntie in KL to see her off to China before I come home.

6pm - all Set and ready for action!!

So in 2 hours.. the following is set.

1. We leave for KL early morning next day, 12 march (the dateline for Auntie to leave SG) on Air Asia and immediately pass Auntie's passport to agent for visa application.

2. We stay in KL to wait for visa approval so as to confirm the CHina ticket for auntie to leave on 13 march midnight.

3. Rui goes to En's nanny for 2 days 1 night while I was in KL,  and we have to prep his bag as well as he frozen BM to be used (thank god I started freezing them earlier)

4. I forfeit my ticket to BJ later in the month, with new ticket with Rui to leave for BJ on 15 March

Time: 7 - 12 am - Packing for Rui, and processing the booking of tickets, hotels etc etc...

Gee.. all these actions in the space of 1 afternoon, and I feel tired writing abut it..

The actions for the next 3 days to follow..

I just came to BJ with Rui today, tired but happy and proud that Rui did well on the flight and I did doubly well with all the prepping and packing.

But my wound has been hurting a bit more than usual and i had only 2 hrs of sleep each night with all the things to be done and the 3 hrly pumping.. 

So i stop here for now..  watch this space for more action!! :P

*I am superwoman or what.... *

 

Tods and Babe

Sometimes I think 3 boys are too much for me..
The 2 tods are quite energy sapping, much as they are fun and lovely to be around.

They grow so fast sometimes I wish, I have the time/ energy to just blog their antics down, the conversations... the joys and pain on a day to day basis..

Xuan is sure learning very fast, and he called me Mummy already, albeit at the bribe of an apple.. sigh.. He knows everyone by their names, even di-di and ge-ge.. his fav is ye-ye who fetches him and En to school every morning. I observe that whoever controls the wheels wins the favor of the kids.. Hmm..

Xuan has also learnt to let go of his toys, and gives in to En. A really enormous feat. I sometimes think it is the backlash of the school.. since going to school he has learnt to let go of toys, so much so that when he is home now, he gives in to En no matter how unwilling he is, or regardless of whether he needs to give in or not. When En just mentions something is his, even though it is not the item that Xuan is holding, Xuan will put it down quickly and then run off to cry at what we call his "sobbing corner" - in front of the toy shelf. And after soothing himself this way, he will find some other toys to play. I am so amazed.. sadly En is still rather possessive of his toys, well I ll leave the boys to work that out between themselves..

Recently Xuan broke out in rashes, hives apparently though we could not put a handle on the trigger.. sigh, i wish they clear soon so he looks cute again and not awful..

En has been asking and talking a lot.. Nanny brought him to the bowling centre last Sunday and he really enjoyed it. These new experiences made him grow a lot i think.. and sometimes i really think he matures too fast for my liking, due to his sensitive nature..
Due to his fights with Xuan over "his" toys, he had been for a while saying "I do not like di-di" and that created a bit of a problem for me to work it out..
Slowly, by talking to him and listening to him more, these days he is no longer saying that anymore. And sometimes he will say "I like di-di" and hugs Xuan. I appreciate these moments, even though i sometimes think he is doing it to please the adults.

His insecurity comes through whenever he asks me "Do you love me, mummy?" so I know deep inside him the issue has not been resolved.

Xuan's flambouyant and carefree nature easily garners him lots of attention and positive affinity from grandparents and us.. naturally, without even trying. In face of that, En's more passive and sensitive demeanor usually get neglected without ill intent from the grandparents. And that feeds his inscurity at these times I think..

En is a kid who needs a lot of attention and time, he is so sensitive that most times, I am afraid that casual comments from grandparents or others affect him, even though sometimes it seems as if he does not understands but i observed that it always comes through to him as I will see some behavior that stems from the comments he overheard.

As for Rui, he is growing big and well.. and has cut down his milk at night from 3 or 4 feeds to 2 feeds, i am keeping fingers crossed that he keeps up the good wk!!

While his favorite pass time is still sleeping, we are seeing more of him awake these days as well.
And here are the pictures for you to see for yourself how he is doing :)

Wii Kids - backdated photos of the tods dancing away playing Wii















Wide awake and looking stern.. his usual expression..



















Check out his girlish eye lashes!!




















Blissfully in ZZzzzz Land- smiling in his sleep!!

Nostalgia

The boys raced with each other in the beautiful setting sun.
The leaves rustled
The breeze blew..

Soon we will bid goodbye to this place, College Green.
And goodbye to my once cherished hopes and dreams of kids growing up amidst the lush greenery
Of husband and I enjoying our morning coffee out in the deck
Of grass massage for momo
These are all gone now with goodbye to college green.

I will miss the sounds of crickets in the evening.
The dripping sound of rain on the roof outside my bedroom window
I miss the smell of fallen leaves and windy breeze.
the sight of dappled sunlight on the old tall tree outside our house..

I will always remember this place, a place which i built our dreams and hopes for the future.
remembering it with fondness, sadness and much nostalgia.

The Artist

En has always been interested in drawing.
He loves his art class, and since Papa went away, we ended his weekly art class.

Hence, when his school launched a series of enrichment classes after school, I was glad to see Art classes offered, amidst other classes such as swimming, speech and drama, Mandarin etc.

Half of me wanted to sign him up for swimming, as it is an essential skill, but Xuan seems too young for it and I will prefer the boys to learn it together. Nonetheless, I asked En, whether he wanted to do the Art class or swimming class, and sure enough Art class excites him more, much as we try to persuade him to consider swimming.

Thus far, En has attended 4 classes and I must say he has shown significant progress.
Not sure whether it is due to husband's influence these weeks or the classes, but he has been experimenting with different doodle and even did a rather good drawing of the cow and lion now.

I am impressed with the art class teacher, as he never fails to post emails to parents of kids attending his class on the weekly art class activity, and with pictures!

Here is what he wrote the week before CNY, and I was very impressed as I really feel involved with the classes.

"Dear Parents,

Last week we did crayon drawing with the theme ‘Fireworks’. We imagined how fireworks were shot up into the sky and explode like flowers. Although you may find the pictures ‘messy’, if you listen to the little artist’s explanation, you would be impressed by their great imagination. We enjoyed the time talking, imagining, acting, and drawing about fireworks together. I hope you enjoyed sharing the joy from your children at home. You children will be confident and proud of their achievements by your support and encouragement. Attached photos are for your reference.

Wish you and your family a prosperous year of ox!"

En's Calendar for 2009!

Fireworks to welcome the New Year

A Work in Progress Treasure Box these 2 weeks!

And just the other night, En asked me to draw an elephant. So I did on his doodle pad.

And he said: "Mummy, you draw wrong! Not like that."

And told me that the elephant that Papa drew is not like that. And he then proceeded to ask Papa to draw him an elephant. *Roll eyes*

Of course, Papa is a better artist than me la, that may be where the genes came from, but who is to say my elephant is not right?! Sigh.

The battle of wits has begun..

New faces of Bao Rui

Rui is coming to 1 month this Saturday.
Time flies!!!







This time round it seems to just whizz past..
Maybe it is more hectic this time round.

And I envisage a hard time coping with 3 boys and my pumping once confinement auntie goes home in another 2 months' time... Which raise the question if I will be able to cope in China if we move over.

Now, the move is a big if..
Mainly because the C section has made me so weak, and also inconvenient to move a bit faster, bend a bit more, carry a heavier load etc..

Everything will really be less complex if it had been a natural delivery.
Maybe it is really BM's "Sum Zero" manifesting itself - Nature claiming back what it should have been and forcing me to slow down.

Sometimes I think maybe it is all the stress during the pregnancy that resulted in the emergency C section, leading to a distressed baby. That on its own is Sum Zero. And now, the C section leaves a scar for life, to remind me that one cannot cheat Nature, it knows when you are not taking care of yourself and is greedy in wanting too much.

So I am really thinking and trying to slow down whenever I can now.
I think it is my right, i still ve a long journey ahead, and if taking it slowly now means I have a more fruitful journey later, pause I must.

Thinking about Love and Someone

I dreamt of someone last night.
Someone who is probably lost to me, and whom I am always indebted to, for this whole of my lifetime.

I do not know why I dreamt of him, but i think it is a sign. Again, in the darkest moments of my life, you came to me. And your words, they come to me again.
And I read a note of a fellow Aquarian in facebook today, and again, it seems to echo the same message. Another sign.

Well, those who have been reading the previous entries or FB-ing me probably know I have been very troubled the past weeks. It is as if I have been living in the shadows and trying to come out of the shadows. My mind has been battling with the heart with equal wins and lossses.

And I am trying to seek a way to walk out of the dark.
And everyday, I ask for help. For strength to overcome the difficulties that my heart cannot accept. And I know i needed it to resolve this tough patch or it will haunt me, and those around me for life.

And I know, if given time, and I still can't get over "the incident", then it may be a sign that I need to move on in a more drastic manner.

I was hoping for signs, and for cues. Last night, in the dream, and today in the note I found them.

Yes. Love is about forgiveness.
You reminded me that I need to learn forgiveness and tolerance.
For myself. And today, for others.

And these words from the note reminded me to treasure the love we have and find "because it took hard work to find, and as we move along it will take hard work to keep it."

I canot forget.
But I shall try to forgive.

For now, that - that should be enough for now.
If I should lapsed in my resolution, this entry serves as a reminder.

This is the reason to keep fighting - because real love is so hard to find it in the first place.
That is the reason to stay. And to keep.
Thou shall not have doubts nor hopes to ever find another like it.

And given time, I hope I forget. Because, like you say, love heals.

Another year older..

Today, I am a year older, but everything still feels the same.
It had to be one of the most boring birthdays I ever had as I can't do lots of stuff, so it was spent innocuously at home most of the time, but at least I spent it with the kids, and the boys were ecstatic over the cake and the candles.

And En is becoming very good at serving the cake to others before eating it himself.
I look forward to Bao Rui joining the chorus next year.

There is something about celebrating birthday with the boys, they are quite contagious and make me smile. Was trying to recall what I did for birthday last year, took me a while and finally remembered husband and I went away for a short holiday. So this is like the first time the boys sang me a birthday song, it feels different, definitely making me feel older for sure.. sigh.

But sometimes, I think i like to keep my own life separate from the kids.
Just like I try to keep couple life separate from the kids as well.

Some people may wonder at this strange tot.
Is it like trying to delude myself? No. I don't think so.

i love the kids, and they are a permanent fixture in my life.
However, I need my own space, and I need space for husband and me.

So sometimes, events like birthdays, anniversaries etc, I prefer to celebrate them separately.

Sometimes, i think the kids are so much a part of my life, I worry about losing myself completely. And being who I am is important.

Sure, I am a mum.
But I am first myself first. It sounds really selfish I know, but in my mind, it is like I have these different spheres of life. My kids are involved in my life, even an important part of my life, but my life does not revolve around them. Rather, I hope my life does not, just as my life does not revolve around husband's, because I feel that the moment it does, then we are dependent on others for our survival and well-being.

Of course, these I hope I achieve and maintain, since it is easy to be insidiously revolving around other people, esp when it comes to love of others. Hence, sometimes, I just want a separate space for events that are just about me...

Miewsing...

The Reunion

In less than 3 weeks, NJ will return to China.
This reunion has been busy, chaotic, unexpected and really busy.

Many things had happened.
Emotions have been raw.
And sometimes I feel we hardly have time for ourselves. Too much to do, too much to accomplish. It is like a perpetual game of catch up with the macro world. There is hardly time to really introspect and think through some issues.

And what should have been familiar seems unfamiliar.
What should have been seems faraway.
What should not be seems to stay.

And now I feel going to China seems a big step for me.
What i was so sure of, I am not sure now.
Something has changed. Maybe something is missing or lacking. But there are a lot more doubts. I am not sure I want to face what I will find there.

Maybe I have been too tired lately. And too much has happened too fast in a seemingly time compressed manner.

I was chatting with one of NJ's friends on FB the other morning and was given the advise to watch out for "Sum Zero", that we cannot cheat Nature, one day Nature will come back and bite us if we are not careful.

So I was cautioned to slow down and not try to TRY too hard to do everything.
It is true, I believe that too, and how often we forget to stay in the present.

There are too much going on in my life now.
Too much stuff in my mind too..
And too much burden on the heart.

And all these led to some thoughts.. are they realisations? or am I still in the process of searching?

The Search /Realisation

Sometimes I think one is better off being blissfully ignorant.
Some things, once lost, are hard to recover.
Such as faith. Such as trust. Such as love.

I think faith and love provide one with great strength to overcome the odds.
However, the lack of them instill much doubts, which insidious as they are, once planted, grow and are a force to reckon with as they are hard to stop.

And I think doubts do not necessarily only require betrayal to sprout and grow.
They can follow when one's faith is shaken - in oneself's ability to fight, in the future, in the greater world out there and in the other people.

To try and recover the faith or to take a leap is a painful process.
Because of the doubts. And the fear - fear of pain. Fear of disappointment. Fear of the tears.

If you have shed tears, the wrenching kind that cannot be stopped no matter how hard you try, you may be afraid. To go through that - again.

Someone told me that many people strive to fight for things that they think are worth fighting for. I wonder what gives these people the will to fight, if they have already experience the pain and disappointment.

Many times, I think it is easier to give up and walk away.
People are always asking me to stay and fight.
So as to hold dear what is worth fighting for.
To give what was - what had been - another chance.

To do that, I need an balm to achieve amnesia.
I need to be able to forget.
Maybe with time I will since I am always really forgetful.
I hardly remember the reason for quarrel many a time.
Maybe eventually I will.

Until then, I need patience and understanding I guess.
For my doubts. For my ambivalence. For my lack of faith.

你不是真正的快乐

Have been hearing and watching this MV a lot on TV.
And each time, I feel a lot of resonance with it.
Some of the lyrics are scary... in its simplicity and yet with it, the ability to convey the feelings for some people at certain point in time.

03 你不是真正的快樂.mp3 - 五月天

五月天-你不是真正的快乐

人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会
梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了
你已经决定了

你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜
就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则
不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
然后才后悔着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下
你穿的保护色
为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着


I particularly like this part -

这世界笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪 飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

Sometimes, indeed, we are caught in situation where we do things, or made certain decisions not by choice, but because it is required or most expedient. sigh.