SMS again - Single Mum Syndrome

I SMS again.. because hubby is away in reservist.
Somehow I started seeing this as a "practise" / trial period for when he will really be away for long..

The things I do, the feelings I have, should be the same bah. Maybe they will be more acute by then cuz knowing I will not see him till when the baby is due.. at least now I know i will see him this Friday when he books out from the army.

I think I am a lazy, parasite-ish kinda person.
When alone, I can be rather independent and strong, and take care of myself. After all, way before I met hubby, I have been taking care of myself fine, and rather enjoy my independence..

But once I have someone to rely on.. I become a parasite. Maybe it is the backlash from being too independent, when I have someone to rely on like hubby, I become really needy. The ultimate damsel in distress sometimes.

With hubby around, I am very lazy, because I know he will take care of things, and me. And I know he will play his part as co-parent, so I am relaxed, and sometimes to the extent of abusing that sometimes.. (Yes! I know my weakness)

So hubby has this impression that I really cannot make it without him around.. Perhaps. But I am always surprised with the strength or determination I have when I am placed in a particular situation.

Like last Saturday, hubby was still in camp, and I have to work out arrangements for accompanying En to art class in the morning and bringing Xuan Xuan to his JG class. Usually hubby will ferry us and we take turns with Xuan in JG so it is less taxing. So hubby was telling me that if I was too tired, I could give Xuan's JG class a skip, esp when transport was a problem since I cannot drive.

Turned out I was resourceful enough to get a ride from Celeste for En's art class, and FIL fetched Xuan and me to the JG in the afternoon. And I am amazed that I have the energy to be with the 2 boys for the whole day - alone.

So it was not too bad, I admit I am mentally weak. That innately, perhaps I am stronger than I think I am.. and I like having someone care and take care of me. And luckily hubby gives in to me quite a bit in that aspect, allowing me to be totally 'nua' sometimes..

Before leaving for camp, he stocked our fridge with dairy supplies, cake, and our pantry with fruits and noodles for my late night snacks. He probably fear that I will starve or kick up a big fuss for having no snacks to munch on at night..

This I will miss when he is off to China. I will miss having someone care for my needs, someones who knows my likes and dislikes, someone who gives in to my whims.

Then again, maybe I will revert to be the Amazon-ish female, totally independent and in control. If so, by the time we meet together again, will we have to storm and norm to be at ease again?

This is the not the first time we spent mths apart. When we were dating back in school, he was on an exchange program that took him to the States for 6 mths. Those days were surreal, cuz we were newly in love and the distance augmented every nuance. And I remember when he returned, he said to me that we should never stay apart cuz it is so difficult. I wonder if he still remember this?

I wonder how it will be this time, but I am sure it will be an experience.
As with experience, people either come out stronger, or they become defeated. One can only hope.. but I am sure for me personally, it will be a real test of strength and determination. If i can conquer this, I am quite sure it will make me a stronger person to face other hardships.

In any case, I have the two 保 to keep my company. Between them and their 耍宝 my mind probably can't wander too much.

here's pics of xuan xuan trying to leash himself with Momo's leash and En posing for the camera!

oh, BTW, if you think leashing himself is funny, you need to see how Xuan Xuan sleeps on the floor like momo.. Sometimes I think Xuan thinks he is like Momo .. :)

Wonderings..about Batman and Relationship

Been a bit disturbed..
Since we watch 'The Dark Knight' at my company's movie night out..
and after reading Blinkymummy's latest entry on 'This Sweet Young Thing'

Both not seemingly related, but they both highlight the complexities in being a human being.
I love the Dark Knight.. and I think Batman may well be my favorite super-hero.
I will not say too much here as I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone, as it is definitely worth watching, and again.

Its portrayal of different facets of human being is intriguing, and make me think a lot of what human beings are capable of, or not capable of.

I think I like Batman - because he is not the usual save the world kinda hero.
I find Superman too single dimensional. Sipderman a bit of a indecisive whimp ...
But Batman is complex and intrigues the hell out of me..

Well... watch the film.. but be prepared.. it can be dampening.. and really a bit too dark to some's liking..

On the other hand.. Blinkymummy's latest entry of older men liking younger chicks is disturbing to me at an entirely different level.. Sometimes, i think if we think too much of the darker side of things.. and the infinite possibilities for a relationship to go wrong.. i won't even be married at all.

Yet, to not think of these same infinite possibilities of how a relationship can go wrong seem naive to me, especially when observational anecdotes point to their existence. Older men falling for a younger woman, esp. older man who has wife and kids, is only one of the many ways why it is hard to maintain a relationship.

But only very recently, a male colleague was telling me how he has faith in his wife and trusts her to be there for him.
That he knows that his wife will not hesitate to give up her life for him if needed, and vice-versa. Sounds very drama.. but the way he said it, and the conviction with which he said it, really touched me.

Cuz I never really think about my relationship in life and death terms.
And i cannot reconcile having faith in my partner with the infinite possibilities that a relationship can go wrong.
How can one have faith and trust when you see around you, and hear around you of all these stories of mis-placed faith,trust and betrayal.

It sounds to me, that it is a huge gamble to have total faith in your partner when the odds are so high..
Sometimes, I think, while I have faith in my partner, but I do not have faith in the environment/ macro system or in other women. Is that the same as not having faith in my partner?

I really dunno..

Like i think i have psyched myself into thinking half a year's separation will be OK, that it is a short time, and if things are to go wrong, it can jolly well go wrong here. And I rather not dwell on the horrible possibilities, but sometimes hearing or reading about others straying from a relationship get to me. Like now..

Yet, I am also at a stage where I think it is very childish to "track" what your spouse is doing.. Maybe I can't be bothered, I simply do not have the time, or to some extent, i think it belittles me, my self esteem, and who I am, to go to that extent of trying to control the inevitable.

I am very confused about all these, and I apparently do not really have a point of view on this.. kinda, I will like to have faith and trust etc.. all these cerebral concepts I believe, but the reality does not empirically support these concepts, and undermine such concepts, so I am torn between the 2, cuz I do not dare to place my bet.

Maybe that is why Carin Lau puts her relationship to 20 years test before deciding on marriage?

三国鼎立? or 桃园三结义?

[三国鼎立]


I













I think NJ must be too much under the influence of the Red Cliff. (We watched the movie and we love it.. I just think the screen chemistry between Tony Leung and Jin Chengwu is simply awesome!!!!)

In any case, just now when the 2 boys were arguing over their VCD preference, Hubby casually remarked the following 金玉良言!

"下次, 他们三国鼎立, 就没有这个问题了"

And I said, in that case, maybe Xuan Xuan needs a 诸葛亮...

But I wonder if it will be equilibrium and balance of power of 三国鼎立 or the chaos of 六国大风相...

If no. 3 is really a boy, I much rather they enact the 桃园三结义!!

[桃园三结义]



************************************************************

We just brought the 2 boys and Momo to the West Coast Dog run.. It was really nice to see the boys and the dog running freely... though it drizzled for a while, but Xuan Xuan seems oblivious to the rain, or the size of the dogs present..

It's been a long time since we last went to the dog run, we brought En there long long time ago, when I was pregnant with Xuan. And now, I am pregnant with another.. hm..

While hubby is still here, we should spend more of such times...

Coping...

Since my last posting, and from people who have received news of us having no.3, the responses ranged from possible shock to astonishment.. and I know a lot of you must be wondering if we are crazy..

My brit colleague who just returned from her maternity leave was lamenting to me how tough it was for her to manage her toddler and her new born baby.. and that through it all, she always thought about me since I just had my no. 2 when i re-joined the company some time back..

And when i told her that I am now onto No 3, her first response was that i must be crazy, and then hugged me afterwards either for joy or to comfort.. I must say, many must share the same thinking.. sometimes I also wonder where we find the courage to have 3..

To top it off.. todays' news have the headline that "Singaporeans list key challenges to marriage and parenthood".. that people are hardly getting married and for those who are, are not even having no.1, and here I am talking about the impending 3.. According to the series of public consultations, the key 3 challenges to having kids include:

1. financial security
2. Work-life balance
3. childcare arrangement
and a close 4th is female's concern with losing their job if they took longer leave to care for kids..

so I question why are the 4 cited barriers not preventing us from having more than 1 kid..

I can't say if we have financial security, after all ,who really have financial security? We just have our jobs, and soon both of us will not even be working for a while, and thats' that.. so I can't say we really have financial security. Then again, while the costs associated with kids are really high, I really believe all parents cope within their means.. And all parents, rich or poor do trade off. so just cope and make the best trade off decisions we can.

For people who know me and hubby's line of work, we do not have much of work life balance. Nj is constantly interrupted by calls in the night, during meals, on weekends etc and he works till wee hours of the night. I have late evening groups sometimes or when I am rushing reports or my travel stints that eat up some parts of the weekends or definitely taking me away from our kids at night.. However, we make do and try to find time for kids and each other.. I do flexi time and spend whatever time I have in the morning with kids before work. I come home early and bond with the kids till they go to bed and then I resume work. And our weekends are mostly dedicated to being with them.. It is a tough juggle but we make do. I really believe in quality time, and making the effort to spend time.. no matter how little or limited it is..

And i outsource childcare arrangement to my helper, my mum and mum in law. And so far, it has been ok but challenging sometimes, but if you read my previous agonising entries, it is not without its pains.. but I think we will have to make do..

The thing is, I believe for majority of the middle class Singaporeans, having kids is not that big a problem. As I have put it very extremely in an earlier entry, sometimes we either under-estimate ourselves, or we are really, to be perfectly honest a little less sacrificial.

Of course it is everyone's choice, some choose to be successful career women, some choose to be a perfect mum, others perhaps just juggle and make do. And the number of kids is ones choice and one's comfort level. The thing is to remember we have choices, and more so these days with the opportunities given to women. So it also make the decison making process harder as the opportunity cost is very high.

I think, in my case, I cope by allowing myself not to be perfect, even while I do strive towards perfection.. Recently we had a catch up session with 2 of my oldest friends, who now have a daughter of their own each. One of them remarked when she saw my kids' doodling on the walls, TV, stairway that we are very tolerant of our kids, that it drives her mad that her daughter doodles on the wall..

While we try to discipline the boys and limit their drawings to paper, accidents often do happen and it is a fact that kids always test their boundaries. That I can't help or prevent, so I choose to overlook such little stuff instead and focus on the important stuff, like not destroying our antique furniture.

I think, if we think very rationally about all the things we do with kids, it is a very tedious chore, and very tough and very challenging. This i agree with all mums. Hence, i sometimes choose to not think about it. And NJ is very good at reminding me of that.. to breathe, let go and believe that there is a solution eventually. And that solution is not by worrying about all the problems before they even surface.

To say I do not worry about coping with no 3, I have to be lying. Especially when nj is off to china this sept, I will be single pregnant mum for a while. And of course, I wonder if i have enough attention to give all 3 kids. And even time for myself, for couple-hood. Whether I can lead a sane life with 3 screaming rowdy kids..

But you see, all these are doubts. And we will cope, if we let go of some things, here and there and not try to be perfect. And we have to believe that kids are adaptable and that they will not love us less just cuz we have 1 more kid. When we try to be too perfect, and do not live up to the standard we set for ourselves, we feel guilty and think we are not good enough.

I learnt very long ago that there is never enough guilt for mothers, for parents to feel. Almost every occasion can be an occasion for guilt. Sometimes I think we made ourselves feel guilty to punish ourselves and so, we do need to teach ourselves to let go of this guilt. And believe that we are more capable than the image of ourselves in our mind.

I am not the best mum, but I am the best mum as I try to be for my kids. And that has to be enough. Just as my kids may not be the best kids, but they are the best that I have nurtured them to be. We live in an imperfect world, in all our less than perfect conditions, so why should we not allow ourselves little imperfection? :)

So much for now.. I will talk about coping specific coping strategies in other entries, right now, i want to upload latest photos of the boys!!

Introducing handsome Xuan Xuan.. and Doctor Yap.















Xuan's favorite bolster

No.3 on first day of CNY 2009

I wonder if people do pregnancy announcement via their blogs..
Well here it is anyway. Our no. 3 is on the way.. for those who have not heard it from the grapevine yet.. Baby rat probably, cuz baby is due on 26 Jan, first day of CNY. And probably Aquarian like moi!

I have my 12 weeks scan this morning, and baby looks.. like En and Xuan! The same prominent forehead and the pointy nose.. and the little fingers and feet are so cute!! Even the face really resembles the 2 little boys! Yes, it has been a long time since I did a pregnancy scan lah..

But hubby is very disappointed when Dr Yeoh once again said “I think I see something! Do you want to know the gender..”

Well.. I still have hopes. This is still a very early scan yet.. gender typically does not surface till the fifth month.. but I know NJ is feeling very inconsolable if this is gonna be another “Bao-X”!

Well, we always think having 3 is the perfect number of kids to have. And also we like little gals, esp. Papa. Maybe this is the best time, or else I will be too old. And we are already considering adoption *desperate* for a gal..

I will like to think someone heard our wishes and have graciously blessed us with no.3. Timing wise, I dunno if it is really the best time, with Papa going away, and CNY is a bad time to engage confinement lady. And bringing 3 kids to China seems really daunting.

But I have faith. I have faith in myself, that in my typical “miew-lology” things always seem impossibly bad, but placed in the situation- I will come through, as always. After all, I perform best under pressure and nothing can be more pressurizing like the circumstances now.

I have faith in hubby. Who has always been a pillar of support for me and babies.. though it will be more difficult in the initial months when he is away and I have to do all the night feeds myself now..

I have faith in little baby. Maybe we are really amnesic creatures when it comes to pregnancy, or it is Nature's way of making every birth special and unique.. I already feel little baby is so CUTE!! He/ she looks really adorable in the scan, the face the rounded head and body, the little prints of hands and feet.

Well, so much for my close shop before 30.. but I do feel the past 12 weeks have been a nightmare of puking and bad days all the time. Compared to my previous really easy fuss free pregnancies, the first 12 weeks were a torture. I am sure looking forward to second trimester!

And I want to look like her, this time round for my pregnancy, this glowing and this good ok. I suddenly have a weakness for heels, something I won't wear for like next 10 months! Argh!! And all my dresses… and I will grow 25kg fat.. argh!!!!!

Ohh.. I so want to be a yummy mum!!

Broken families - the root of all kid problems?!!

Recently I feel there has been a lot of attention in the media highlighting the broken families of victims – as if broken families is a direct/ indirect contributor to the fate of the victim (whether it is the NS boy/ the hot shorts girl who was murdered)..

I wonder about and I question the effect of a wholesome family on kids.. for sure, a lot of literature have already talked much about it..

In an age where divorce rate is climbing and it is a reality that it is harder to hold a marriage together than to let it fall apart, it seems very fatalistic to me when results are attributed merely to the status of the family.

You will think that if we have evolved so much – that the broken families and people will have evolved to cope with the broken family status and its effects on kids. Are all the psychologists and sociologists not having a field day trying to analyse this and coming up with solutions, if we already see divorce as a upward trend that will likely stay than to go away?

Hence, if there are coping mechanisms in place (definitely there must be! Divorce is not invented a decade ago!) then, I am saying there is something besides the status of broken family that may have impacted the kids more..

Is it the income, is it the vices of the parents, or is it simply the lack of attention?

If it is any of such parameters, then they are not automatically correlated to broken families, i.e. a kid can come from a full family where parents are of lower income, or are victims of vices such as excessive gambling or alcoholism or as simple as coming from a full but negligent family!

Hence, in this age where divorce is a reality that many have to cope with, I think it is very stigma-tic to continue attributing failures to status of the family. It is not fair, and it is not realistic.

And it is not helpful in helping the public see the REAL ROOT of the problem that may have resulted in the tragedy, which may turn out to be an even more prevalent trait/ situation! One day, I hope to see a change, and more insightful reporting. Please, to me, it seems really passé to attribute failures/ tragedies/ any weaknesses of kids to simply, and linearly, the cause of broken families.

Just because we are pro-family, should not make us BLIND to persevering, loving and capable single parents who strive to bring up their kids well and wholesomely.

If anything, these individual deserve more credit as it is much tougher for them, don't you think?

College Green Kids...

The College Green Kids..

Some weeks back, Nj's cousin organised a gathering of all the College Green tenants, who either have moved or will be moving away..

By the time I am writing this entry, most of those who attended the farewell have already left.. The basketball court which used to be full of wheeling vehicles ridden by kids now seems bare and lonely.. My 2 boys get the court all to themselves in the evening, but the spirit is missing..

anyway.. at the farewell.. there was a huge jumping castle for the kids.. BBQ and food contributed by all the residents.. People from different nationalities and all walks of life gathered to say goodbye to a place which held many precious memories for them..

And to cumulate the memories of this lovely estate, there were 2 rounds of water bombs fights - adults versus kids.. which had everyone drenched but exhilarated.. And i used to think water bombs were only played in school!

Late in the evening, some residents stayed behind chatting around a bon fire beneath the stars...

These are times that are rare and precious.. And here are photos that serve as a testimony that it happened, the beautiful place exists and we have been there...

The Little Cheeky Monsters
Preparing for the water bomb fights

Re-loading.. And a bewildered En

All drenched and victorious all round...

Conversations with En

I had one of the most enlightening and heart-breaking conversations with En today..

He said: :Di Di dun like mummy.
Mummy: *jaw drop* "why?"
He said "Di Di likes Aunty Melanie."
Then he added (probably seeing my jaw drop..): "I love mummy."

That is upsetting and comforting for me.. I think it is inevitable that Xuan likes Melanie since he spends more time with him at home.. but it is a sobering thought..

I need to work harder indeed..

*************************************************

Later in the evening, we went to a Thai restaurant which has an ancient looking painting of a regal looking man dressed in royal finery.. ..

Suddenly, En turned to me and asked:
"Who is that old man?"
Mummy: ?!!! Jaw drop again and speechless..

Later when one of the helpers in the restaurant was playing with En, I took the opportunity to ask her who "the old man" was..

She said he was Rama the Fifth... !!!!!!!!!

Our little friednd just reduced King rama V to some old man...

Amazing.. Xuan

We brought Xuan Xuan to the doctor yesterday to take his MMR and chicken pox vaccines - finally!

and we were prepared that he will hate us, hate the doctor and the nurse, much like his brother when he took his. Not to mention the ear-wrecking, piercing wails we have to put up with..

And he astonished us.
there was not even a protest after the first jab..

Ok... we thought with relief.. at least we only have to put up with the wailing after the second jab..and we waited, holding our breath..
But the second jab went through again without any protest..

He did not even seem to be aware of the injection taking place...!!!
So while all the nurses were exclaiming how brave he was.. i was worried if there was anything wrong with his pain nerve..

I have never seen a baby not crying during injections, and to go through 2 at one go without even a whimper? It is simply amazing.

It perhaps, explains his boldness, because even when he fell or knocked into something, most of the times, he was not too bothered about it.

Talk about Iron Man.. hm...

I watch 投名状

Ok ok.. I know I am tres tres tres late ok.
And many people probably reviewed this show already.. and either love it or hate it.

I happen to really love it.
I caught this film on the flight in and out of Ho Chi Min and I came back to rent the flick and finished watching it with hubby this week..


One of the better Chinese films recently..
Throughout the show.. I cannot decide where my sympathies lie, who is right and who is wrong..
And I love this ambiguity. It is disturbing, thought provoking and brings me outta my comfort zone..

I feel it reflects life, like it is in the real world.
Is there a real truth out there? Is there a real right way of doing things?

Jin Chen Wu repeated "大哥(Jet li) 是对的.." twice to Any Lau.
He is an idealist. But he has strong faith in his ideals. Which should be good,.. right?
But what happens if the ideals/ the person you have such faith in are wrong/ are corrupted?
What determines the right and the wrong? Is there an absolute right or wrong?

Jet Li says "有一天, 你会明白我这样做是对的" to Andy Lau.
To have such a powerful vision that one strives towards, it should be admirable, ... right?
But what if the actions one needs to do to contribute to the end goal or vision, are wrong?
Does the merit and grandeur of the vision make the wrong deeds right?
What vision is so great that it makes one susceptible to greed, to corruption?

And, Andy Lau - he believes in ethics and humanity and in loyalty - "言而无信连畜生都不如" . In living up to one's promise, in peoples' right to live and to repent, he believes in those he love and trust, not once thinking that they will betray him.

The crux is all three great men exhibited admirable traits which are all "correct", on their own merits.

However, when they all come together, it is a challenge to decide who is right, who is the one who deserves our pity - the Disillusioned? The Blinded? or the Betrayed?

There is no one dimensional answer and to even begin to sort it out is impossibly hard.

And I feel life is exactly like that.
This film reminds me that..

Even if we are very sure we are right, we could be wrong. Others could feel we are wrong. Others have a right to believe we are wrong.

Yet, we need a point of view, without so, we are nothing. We do not have a belief that will sustain us, a cause worth fighting for, a meaning to our lives.

Yet, by taking a point of view, we may have chosen to forsake many others - the opportunity costs. We have chosen a path with consequences we need to live with.

I hope my 2 boys will grow up capable of handling the complexities of life such as these.

I am not confident I can teach them to make the right choice all the times.
I cannot assure them that there is even a right choice, sometimes.
But those should not deter, nor make us fearful to have a point of view, to fight for what we truly believe in, and to embrace our beliefs with passion and yet to moderate it with an open mind for alternatives.

It is one of the toughest challenge in parenting..
But it is a battle we have to win.
Because we, and our loved ones have a lot to lose if we lose this battle.

This is one film i will watch time and again, as I am sure I learn more of myself and the world each time I watch it...
And i need the reminder of how grey this world can be...

For One More Day - Part 2 on Marriage

So.. the other aspect which was really thought provoking for me was the relationship aspect from the book "For One More Day".. I find strong resonance with the following passages from the book..

"In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word 'divorce' came up. I always figured it came from some root word that meant 'divide'. In truth, it comes from 'divertere', which means 'to divert'."

"Here is what you are going to find out about marriage: you have to work at it together. And you have to love three things. You have to love

1) Each other
2) Your children
3) Your marriage

What I mean by that is , there may be times that you fight, and sometimes you won't even like each other. But those are the times you have to love your marriage. It's like a third party. Look at your wedding photos. Look at any memories you 've made. And if you believe in those memories, they will pull you back together."

The second passage is extracted from a letter to a son on his wedding day.
I think it is the best advice any parent can give..

I, too, always thought that the word 'divorce' stem from the roots of divide..
But to know that it stems from the root of 'to divert' makes a lot of sense to me..

I once read somewhere that relationships fall apart because of the presence of distractions - which diverts one's attention.

- when you are working too hard, you are distracted from your relationship
- when kids come on the scene, you are distracted from the love of your spouse
- when you meet someone interesting, even if you do not have the feelings, you may have been distracted in your attention to your spouse..

And I also read somewhere, that when a couple is encountered with problems, should one party chooses to divert the attention elsewhere instead of working hard at the relationship, it puts the relationship at risk..

Hence, to know that divorce stems from divert makes sense.. since a relationship starts to break down when one or two parties are diverted from the shared goal of marriage.

I happen to think that loving the marriage is really important.. There is no guarantee that you will always love your spouse, in disputes, in arguements, on the really bad days..

But the shared memories, the blissful days of courtship, the honeymoon phase of marriage, all these are easy to love and they form the building blocks of the marriage. Cumulative memories are powerful - they give us the reason to believe in something even when the moment seems contrary to the belief.

The interesting someone, the new challenges and satisfaction at job, the kids or any new distraction may seem overpowering and overwhelmingly interesting in the present, maybe even the future, but they did not have a role to play in part of your shared past.. the years that went into the relationship and marriage before this new distraction occurs.

Hence, I believe in cumulative memories. They provide me with the strength to have faith.

And at this moment, more than ever, i feel i need to believe in it more than ever.
In face of a long distance relationship for half a year to come.. it seems a long time even though I am sure time will fly. Still the uncertainty bothers me..

I can only hope and pray.. that papa is not diverted..
And I am not distracted..
We remembered why we are together in the first place..

Mother's Day Posting..

This posting is backdated.. as I have intended for this to be a Mother's Day posting..

I wanted to do it but have been bothered by various things.. but today, I am determined to pen it down..

I finally bought the book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, and co-incidently, I was reading it the week leading up to Mother's Day.. and I find various passages from the book very apt as a tribute for Mother's Day, to all the mothers, and also the fathers out there..

In line with the Mother's Day theme, I will blog about the parent-child relationship for now.. (watch this space for excerpts on relatinship.."

Some of the poignant passages I can relate to so much it hurts. And it made me think very much about my mum as well..

"If my mother said it, I believe it.
She wasn't easy on me, don't get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved me. Se really did. She loved me falling off a swing set. She loved me stepping on her floors with muddy shoes. Se loved me through vomit and snot and bloody knees. She loved me coming and going, at my worst and at my best. She has a bottomless well of love for me.."

Some of the toughest passages that struck me rather hard..

"Years later, after her (mother's) death, I made a list of Times My Mother Stood Up for ME, and Times I Did Not Stand Up for My Mother. It was sad, the imbalance of it all.."

"Children get embarrassed by their parents... " Someone remarked in the book..
"But usually they are just in some kind of pain. They need to work it out" - the mum replies.. "Sometimes, kids want you to hurt the way they hurt..."
"A child embarrassed by his mother is just a child who hasn't lived long enough"

How very true.. I can't help thinking back to my teenage years and shudder on the things I say, the thoughts I have.. Time - Time allows one to learn and move on..

And lastly, what I resonated most with..

"I believe my mother saved my life. I also believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you will never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't"

I was full of remorse when I read these lines.. The countless times in which our parents stood up for us, which are not visible to us. The endless times we have thoughtlessly said the stupidiest things or done the silliest gestures, and inadvertently hurting them.. and through it all, the bottomless wealth of love that keeps them hovering around us, nagging at us, loving us in their own ways...

Parents, endure all kinds of things for their kids.
And Kids, inflict all kinds of hurt thoughtlessly on their parents.

For that and much much more, we are indebted to our parents.
I do not expect our kids to be indebted to us.. But I hope, the growing up years are kind to them.. so that when maturity and the time of realisation come for them to be parents, they do not feel the overwhelming guilt as I sometimes do..

For the last few days, when I have been reading about parents' despair over their kids buried beneath the rubbles in China, and viewing the horrific pictures splashed over the papers.. tears been pricking my eyes endlessly. My heart and everything in me went out to all the parents..

Parents of teenagers, parents on toddlers, parents of kids..

As a mum now, it is not just empathising, the intensity which I feel for them, with them, and almost an extension of them, cannot be described.

And what Mitch wrote in the book is very true..

"Behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin"..

A tribute to all great mothers I know.. May we all have the strength to endure the numerous pains that will come, open our arms to reveal in the little joys that come our way and persist in loving our kids, and all the kids, the way they all deserve to be loved..

The other little boy - Xuan

Our other little boy has taken a huge step forward..
He is finally walking.. so we no longer have to carry a close to 12 kg load around when we go for walks..

Recently, he has fake measles, from the Rosealla virus, which led to high fever for a few days..
Given is febrile fit history, it is really worrying and I am so glad it is finally over..!!

The little boy... En

Some mentioned that En looks like me..
Maybe..

Let's see.. you think so?

Father and son Series.

I love these pictures tat I took of En and NJ..


The Priceless Moments....


Papa carrying En to ease his tired little legs..














































A long walk..





































Adoration














Like Father, Like Son



















你的背影



















Face Off

The trip.. time together

We are back.. from 6 full days of being full time parents to En while holidaying in Perth..
I am rather tired.. though it is great to see En enjoying himself so much..
It was a trip in which we learn more of En, as well as ourselves, especially m yself as a mum..
Overall, there are more ups than downs during the trip, and though there are times in which I really lost it when En was in one of his tantrums, we have much more happy times that made up for it..

En is quite an easy travel toddler.. although he was more fussy about eating while travelling, other than that, he is pretty easy.
I was so worried he will make a scene while on the plane, but NJ did a brilliant job of buying him a Sesame Street sticker book with over 350 stickers which kept him occupied on the flights, as well as the road trip.. That book was a lifesaver! Though we also did a fair share of homework by packing his favorite drawing kit, his VCDs and books to keep him occupied, but En was more enamored of that sticker book more than anything else..

It was abit stressful trying to keep to the meal times that En is used to, so that created quite a bit of stress, thankfully, we were not at all ambitious in our itinerary, everything was pretty much free and easy, depending on his mood and the timing.. and it kinda all fell into place rather nicely, except for the last bit of the trip where we had to drive 5 hours back to Swan Valley to be near the airport for departure the next day.. That was a bit too long of a ride for En and he became really restless and irritable.

The highlight of the trip were really the cruise to see the sea-lions and to Penguin Island, and the 2 day farmstay in which En really enjoyed himself. He loves most of the farm animals and warmed up to them pretty soon, and eagerly participated in the feeding of the smaller size animals (geese, chickens, peacocks) while staying clear of the Llamas, the sheep and the cows..

Some pictures.. for now.. and will provide update of the lessons learnt in separate entries..

The tired, savvy traveller..


Smiling all the way on the flight with the Elmo stickers..
















Adaptable sleeper.. napping in the way.. and even capable of sleeping wile eating his cinnamon doughnut..











The little boy's moment

The jumpy toddler who have all the space to jump, run, explore...
























The farm was a real highlight as he came in close contact with the various animals..
While we thought it will be money wasted since he is usually cautious, he surprised us when he warmed up to the geese, ducks, chickens and peacocks real soon and was eagerly feeding them








The group photos.... With thousands of sincere apologies to Xuan, our baby.

The most beautiful sound...

Recently, I have been watching this video a lot..
It has to be the video of the year already, even though 2008 has only just started..

But with this video.. it left a mark on me..
It makes me smile a lot but it also makes me sad as I watch it again and again..
The musical sound of their laughter fills me with joy..

Yet, I wonder, at the same time, how transient this period of time is for them, a life without worries, a life in which they can laugh easily at just about anything.. a life in which the simplest thing seems like a hugely funny thing to them..

How easy these little babies laugh.. (Of course, how easy they cry too)..
But how easy it is to find pure, simple, undiluted joy..

And the worst of it is this:
It is something that cannot be learnt, that money cannot buy..
Something that TIME, in its simple passing will rob them of..

童真, 就是这么容以吗?
永恒的童真, 又是那么难...

Hence, I watch the video again, and again..
Technology has allowed me to immortalise the moment..
The very moment in which I hear the MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS in my life..

Yet, I know that it has captured something very precious as well.
It captured the pure and joyous souls that only the little children will have..

I hope this video brings you joy..
BUT pls be prepared for a loudness that you may not be comfortable with, if you have not had any experience being around rowdy children..

Presenting The Yap Symphony...

________________________________________________

We are.. finally.. all set for Perth tomorrow morning..
I am feeling apprehension and excitement all rolled into one..
Our tonnes of luggage bespeaks our anxiety to be as prepared as we can be..
It is the first trip away.. and it is gonna also be a learning experience for us all..

Somehow, bringing a child along on a holiday seems to be a huge responsibility..
It is all like planning for a huge event.. let's see how it unfolds tomorrow.

Will update the trip next week..
Meanwhile, chill..

Xuan the Rider

Sometimes I think the progress that babies make is amazing.
Xuan is certainly taking his own sweet time learning to walk..
and with his beefy body mass, it is really a struggle for us to heave him everywhere..

However, he certainly mastered riding.. and climbing up and down the stairs!
He knows how to get up and down the bike, ride it at neck-breaking speed sometimes, and even turn corners sharply. All these before he even knows how to walk!

And recently I was told by our helper that he loves to ride down a gentle slope near our house..
When I saw him in action 2 days ago.. I dunno to laugh or to be worried..
He was gleefully riding down the short gentle slope, and laughing when he was sliding down the slope on his little car..

I am thinking...

I need to up Xuan's accident coverage..
prudence is currently not his friend.

And it seems like we probably have a reckless hell-raiser in the family now..

Here is a video of him riding mildly in house... :)

너를 사랑해 "i love you"

After all the recent happening.. I have lately really liked this Korean song on the website..
Almost like one of those songs people use a lot for weddings, but the sentiments are really quite fitting with events of love... Here is what it means

너를 사랑해 "i love you"
Singer: Han Dong Joon 한동준

achimi onun soriye munduk chameso ggaeyo
Sounds of the morning woke me up from my dream abruptly
nae pumane chamdun noyege
You, who slumbered in my arms…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

nae-ga him-gyo-ul ttae-mada nonun hangsang nae-gyote
You’re always by my side when I’m tired
ttasuhage o-kkael kamssamyo
Keeping me in company, caring for me…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

yongwonhi uriyege sodulpun ibyorun opso
We will never part in pain
ttae-ronun sulpume nunmuldo hulli-ji-man
Although we shed sorrowful tears sometimes
onjena nowa hamkke sae-ha-yan kkumul kkumyonso
No matter when, please dream with me immaculate dreams
hanuri urirul kalla nuhulttae kkaji
Until death do us part…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

nae-ga him-gyo-ul ttae-mada nonun hangsang nae-gyote
You’re always by my side when I’m tired
ttasuhage o-kkael kamssamyo
Keeping me in company, caring for me…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

yongwonhi uriyege sodulpun ibyorun opso
We will never part in pain
ttae-ronun sulpume nunmuldo hulli-ji-man
Although we shed sorrowful tears sometimes
onjena nowa hamkke sae-ha-yan kkumul kkumyonso
No matter when, please dream with me immaculate dreams
hanuri urirul kalla nuhulttae kkaji
Until death do us part…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

Cheekily happy again!!

Many heartfelt thanks to all who have thought about and worried about Xuan.
After his KK adventure for 2 days, Xuan was back home finally on Saturday.

He cried when he came home..
I think he really enjoyed his KK adventure ..
When the fever was receding, and when we bought him a Get well balloon from Elmo.. he really enjoyed the attention he was getting from us..

He had his favourite toys, new balloon which he wanted, watched all the TV he wanted.. drank all the juicies and ribena and barley he wanted.. and with papa and mummy spending sole attention on him.. he must really feel like a pampered king.

Some photos of him.. you can see his transformation.. on the second day.. his cheeky dimple is back and when he had enough energy to demand for a balloon and be cheekily demanding.. we know he is en route to recovery...

I just hope and pray this is the last time he has a fit.. although the doc did cautioned that there is likelihood of having it again the next time he has fever.. so the team in the hospital really helped to prepare us so we will know how to cope the next time it happened.. I am hoping this is really the last of it..

it is too scary to even contemplate..

Meanwhile, En is a real sweetheart.
Knowing that he may fight with Xuan over the Elmo balloon, i told him when we returned that Xn Xn is sick and the balllon belongs to Xuan, and asked En not to fight with Xuan over it..
When Xuan woke up from his nap, En kept taking the balloon and pushing it at Xuan Xuan..

Welll.. so much for my vow not to be too attached to my kids..
but what a roller-coaster ride they can give you..

Here are some pics.. Dun Xuan look really cute and handsome in hospital pyjamas?
He is always handsome in my eyes, even when he is sick...

Hospital Entry..

Yes, I am blogging from the KK hospital.. thanks to the nation-wide wireless network initiative from my ex-company..

Remember how we spent X'mas eve of 2006 in KK hospital McDonald's room?
Well, now we are in Xuan Xuan's ward - yeh.. his own ward.. well - i must say i am very impressed with KK's premium ward, it is really thoughtfully designed with all amenities in..
Well.. i think for those who can afford it, the individual ward is a haven for the parents as well.. I can't imagine how the parents can doze or nap with 5 other ill and cranky babies and worried stricken parents.. hence, i feel that realistically, the choice of the individual ward is driven more to meet the parents' needs for peace of mind than babies..

And in times like this, i am grateful that i pay for the kids' H&S insurance premiums. that also gave me peace of mind. In times like this, the last thing I want to be worried abt is the bills. To me, insurance is like buying toto for the bad thing to happen.. when things are going well, we keep thinking the cost of insurance is an opportunity cost.. but in a single incident when the bad thing happen, the relief one feels more than compensate the amount paid. The best advise I was given when I was delivering my baby was from luke, who asked me to sign up for a H&S for babies asap. I think that is one of the most invaluable advise given from a parent to another..

And now to the real story..
Xuan gave me the fright of my life today..
I was in the midst of a workshop with clients, respondents and even clients all the way from Korea..
and I received a call from Hubby who gave a weird description of what happened to Xuan..
I can't remember what he said but I got the message, he is sending Xuan to A & E now cuz just now his eyes were rolling upwards and foaming at the mouth..

I put down the phone and tried to think what I am going to do..
And I called home.. the fact that my maid was crying and can't seem to say what happen to Xuan made me more worried..

I calmly rounded up what I was doing, mentally thinking what options I have and what choices I am going to make, and then announced to my colleague and my boss that I am going to the hospital.. you may think it is a really logical choice, but I was in the middle of a client facing workshop.. the timing could not be badder..

I was freaking up inside, but exteriorly I was calm.. if you know what I mean, it is like a layer of ice or something insulated me - the inner core of me, that turmoil and that pain - from the outer facade of me.. the seemingly untouched and unshaken side of me..

I called for a cab.. I called the usual ultra cool Pediatrician to make sure she is in and check out which hospitals she can visit and work in, to gather the consideration set of hospitals for alternative admissions.. and the i got on the cab in the pouring rain..

And i was still calm, till the jam at orchard road en route made that little insidious chip into that layer of insulation. I started tearing in the cab.. fear? pain? loss? i dunno what the tears are for..

But before we reached KK, I was calm again.. i remembered to ask for a cab receipt, i remembered the red door reserved for emergency cases.. and I went in..

Xuan was not having any fit when I saw him.. and i picked him up and asked him why he has to give mummy such a bad scare.. it was an immense relief. to see his lethargically meddling self.
However, he still needs to be admitted as he needs to be monitored, after the fit, and also the fact that the high fever had not gone away..

and so that is how I ended up here, in KK, with Xuan Xuan sound asleep and me typing away..
and hubby in a chair some space away doodling on his Dopod..

What Xuan had was Febrile Fit.. a new term that i just learnt today.. in addition to all the other discoveries i made about myself, and my relationships..

En and Xuan has been sick recently.. with En taking the lead - must be some viral at school again.. and xuan was just coughing and with slight fever.. Xuan has always been the tougher baby when it comes to combating illnesses thus far .. shorter period of illness and recovering fast..

Well. i suppose this is what it means when they say, When the Great falls, They fall Greatly..
It is really a wake up call..
We always kinda associate Xuan with robust-ness, toughness, joy, cheekiness.. but his vulnerable side totally incapacitated me..

Not that I won't feel the same with En.. but the surprise element that Xuan fell so sick so suddenly just knocked the guts outta me.

I was tearing as I was changing the cold towels on his neck to him to bring his fever down.. I had wiped down En the countless times he had fever, and even during the first time En had really high fever, I do not remember feeling so fearful..

So fearful that a little fever will do my little baby in..

你灼热的小手 滚汤着我的手
我湿皱的手掌 抚摸着你脸夹
你体受的不适
我都明了
我心中的寒惜
你懂吗?

My fearless little fighter-meddler-monster is now quietly sleeping in bed..
The latest temperature check reveals that his temperature has come down to 37.5...
i am keeping fingers crossed..

My little precious one.. get well soon!
I like to see the huge appetite and the hearty giggles and laughs...

updates.. virus virus go away!

Have not been blogging for a long time, cuz I am too stretched and swarmed..

1. the kids have been sick for like 3 weeks.

Both of them, fever, cough, running nose, the full works.. En had it worst, so bad that he finally gave in to antibiotics this feb. We alwas advocate letting his body fight the germs and never sought out antibiotics unless it is the last option available.

So when his fever came back again and with fevour along with the bad nose, the doc recommended antibiotics..

Xuan was slightly better, he only has wrecking cugh in the middle of the night.. my heart wrenches when his coughing fits starts…

So it has been a distracting month..

2. hubby been busy working..

Morning, day, night, weekends, NJ has been working..
En always ask where is papa..
And he also knows must dial “999 to catch bad man, bad man is naughty”..
Stability only returned recently…

3. I have been hectic socialising with ppl coming to our place, catch up etc etc…

And planning for the future.. and stuff... so too tired to do anything else..

But the kids' development has been amazing..!!

Xuan xuan is amazng though.. he has not walked, but he is riding his bike, within 1 day he knows how to ride backwards and forwards! And he know how to turn corner to navigate.. and he climbs up and down the bike by himself.

He is one cool chap..

I started calling home now to chat with En En regularly, it is very enjoyable. He will tell me what he eats, and what he does, and i feel more in touch with him.

He is also exercising his mind more.. when I ask him why he keeps crying 1 night because he started wailing and cried the netire trip hme when I did not follow him home, and only Papa went with him, he says he is sad. I thought he was sad because I was not around.. he thought for a ong while, and said “I am sad becoss…. Papa is angry at me”.. and I was like.. “Wat!” I suspect husband must have said some stern wprds at him and he translated that to mean hubby was mad at him..

On another occasion, he wanted to bring 3 books out for dinner. I told him to bring only 1.
He continued to take 2, and I thought he did not understand me, turned out he asked Papa to take 2, and En takes only 1 as per what I requested.
I have to grant that to him, he is quite resourceful sometimes..

Howrver, when I went with him to his N1 outing to watch the musical "the little red hen", the teachers were telling me how clumsy he was last year, that he will fall and spill things or bump into things or people etc but this year, he is managing better.. all the other kids in his class seem so smart! And I ve to chide myself not to be a kiasu mum. And that I can't compare.. but it took some rationsaliation instead..

But he feeds himself very well in school and so long as he has fun, I try not to be too worried..

I am very happy to be with them, it is a joy to see them play and learn and well, fight..
the fights are bad, and I am putting all the theories into use..
they dun always work, esp. when Xuan is so young, so even when I ask En to use words to say and not use his hands to show what he wants, Xuan does not get it.. so i have to time out them sometimes so that they are both doing different things!!

days like this, and work like this, i wish I am a stay at home mum!!!!