Siblings Without Rivalry

As a parent to more than 1 kid, I always agonise over questions like these:


1. En and Xuan's birthday... are their birthday cakes the same, En had a 3D cake for his 1st birthday, if I do not get a 3D cake for Xuan, will he think i am unfair to him? this year I worry when Xuan's cake is bigger than En's..

2. I want to buy this for Xuan, hmm, maybe I should get En something too in case he feels I like Xuan Xuan more..

3. Hubby and I recently have to make an agonising decision not to bring Xuan Xuan to our Perth holiday. We will only bring En, as the logistics of incorporating Xuan's routine will bring us down and we will not be able to go anywhere if we bring Xuan along as his nap times are so different from En's. But I keep feeling very bad, as if I am depriving Xuan of something.. I don't want Xuan to say we favor En or that En enjoys more privileges.

so the list will go on and on..


Until, I recently read the book..

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (Paperback) by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish

And it liberates me from all these feelings and more. I begin to see my kids in new light and am more confident that we will be able to influence them to love one another and bond strongly.

i picked up this book when I realise how useful their first book had been, "How to talk to your children so they will listen and How to listen so your children will talk".

It is a book filled with handy tips, illustrated in comic strip style for easy reference and filled with real life stories that we can easily identify and empathise with. And with that, we learn from all the experiences that parents go through daily.


In this book, my eyes filled when i read the following passage, which forever frees me from having, and trying to love En and Xuan equally...

"To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less.
To be loved uniquely, - for ones own special self, - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved"

And the book provided a lot of anecdotes on how trying too hard to be equal to our kids is actually depriving them of the real love and care that they really need and, in some cases, end up being really silly.

Hence, I feel my gut feel is right all along.. I cannot love En and Xuan the same way, they are 2 different, unique babies, with different qualities that I appreciate and adore.

I guess the key is to give the child what he really needs and always be assured that we love each of them in the special way that they deserve.

In the case of the holidays, I feel much better, because I know if we bring Xuan along on the basis of being equal, we are actually loving En less, and depriving him of his right to explore and have fun. Xuan is still too young, and we will have a chance to bring him along next time when he can participate and contributes to the fun. We also have a better chance of spending quality time with En than to risk tiring ourselves out trying to cater to both..

For now, we focus on what E needs and is good for him. And for Xuan, I am sure he will be equally happy at home romping around the estate in his tricycle..

And also, I love the chapter on how we easily stereotype our kids unknowingly, my blog entries are a testimony to this.. When we say Xuan is bold, while En is cautious, I am putting them in dichotomous roles. It does not, and should not be the case. Qualities of boldness and prudence can co-exist and not be the sole prerogative of any one child. By labelling the kids, we risk having the kid to live up to the label, or worst, alienate the other child..

Here are pictures of the 2 boys.. thanks to Nai Nai for snapping them!!