Miewsing...

The Reunion

In less than 3 weeks, NJ will return to China.
This reunion has been busy, chaotic, unexpected and really busy.

Many things had happened.
Emotions have been raw.
And sometimes I feel we hardly have time for ourselves. Too much to do, too much to accomplish. It is like a perpetual game of catch up with the macro world. There is hardly time to really introspect and think through some issues.

And what should have been familiar seems unfamiliar.
What should have been seems faraway.
What should not be seems to stay.

And now I feel going to China seems a big step for me.
What i was so sure of, I am not sure now.
Something has changed. Maybe something is missing or lacking. But there are a lot more doubts. I am not sure I want to face what I will find there.

Maybe I have been too tired lately. And too much has happened too fast in a seemingly time compressed manner.

I was chatting with one of NJ's friends on FB the other morning and was given the advise to watch out for "Sum Zero", that we cannot cheat Nature, one day Nature will come back and bite us if we are not careful.

So I was cautioned to slow down and not try to TRY too hard to do everything.
It is true, I believe that too, and how often we forget to stay in the present.

There are too much going on in my life now.
Too much stuff in my mind too..
And too much burden on the heart.

And all these led to some thoughts.. are they realisations? or am I still in the process of searching?

The Search /Realisation

Sometimes I think one is better off being blissfully ignorant.
Some things, once lost, are hard to recover.
Such as faith. Such as trust. Such as love.

I think faith and love provide one with great strength to overcome the odds.
However, the lack of them instill much doubts, which insidious as they are, once planted, grow and are a force to reckon with as they are hard to stop.

And I think doubts do not necessarily only require betrayal to sprout and grow.
They can follow when one's faith is shaken - in oneself's ability to fight, in the future, in the greater world out there and in the other people.

To try and recover the faith or to take a leap is a painful process.
Because of the doubts. And the fear - fear of pain. Fear of disappointment. Fear of the tears.

If you have shed tears, the wrenching kind that cannot be stopped no matter how hard you try, you may be afraid. To go through that - again.

Someone told me that many people strive to fight for things that they think are worth fighting for. I wonder what gives these people the will to fight, if they have already experience the pain and disappointment.

Many times, I think it is easier to give up and walk away.
People are always asking me to stay and fight.
So as to hold dear what is worth fighting for.
To give what was - what had been - another chance.

To do that, I need an balm to achieve amnesia.
I need to be able to forget.
Maybe with time I will since I am always really forgetful.
I hardly remember the reason for quarrel many a time.
Maybe eventually I will.

Until then, I need patience and understanding I guess.
For my doubts. For my ambivalence. For my lack of faith.

你不是真正的快乐

Have been hearing and watching this MV a lot on TV.
And each time, I feel a lot of resonance with it.
Some of the lyrics are scary... in its simplicity and yet with it, the ability to convey the feelings for some people at certain point in time.

03 你不是真正的快樂.mp3 - 五月天

五月天-你不是真正的快乐

人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会
梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了
你已经决定了

你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜
就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则
不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
然后才后悔着

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下
你穿的保护色
为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着


I particularly like this part -

这世界笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪 飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

Sometimes, indeed, we are caught in situation where we do things, or made certain decisions not by choice, but because it is required or most expedient. sigh.

A winning Eve and a Quiet Chu Yi.

We had a nice reunion dinner last 2 nights, and ending lunar RAT 2008 with my final Mahjong win before Lunar Ox 2009 starts! FIL cooked on Saturday for the family, goodies which I can't eat except for the honey pork ribs, and we had BBQ and steamboat DIY on Sunday with my family. Much also which I cannot eat. However, I have my rather usual confinement food instead and had to be contented with that. Since my new year resolution this year is to be happy with simple pleasures...

Changed the boys to their new PJS to welcome the Ox year, and slept in late on the first day of lunar new year.

The 2 Baos then changed into their respective Bao-shirts to go visiting with Papa while I stayed home with Rui and confinement auntie.

It is a strange new year like that. But a peaceful one without the boys and for once, I caught the whole Count down program.

Nj said that En knows how to "ask" for Ang Bao on behalf of his brothers.. since many relatives do not know that we have a No. 3 or that no 3 has arrived!!

Apparently when relatives give him ang baos for him and di- di , he will say he has 2 di-di, and the relative will find hubby to verify the truth. A very thoughtful brother indeed, always looking out for his brothers..

As for the 2-ge, he is not interested in anything except for food, and trains.. apparently rather oblivious to everything else..

Here are some pics of the 2 rowdy boys, and Prince Rui.

Happy nuzzling after his feed, sleepy through his first new year! He was supposed to only arrived on the first day of Lunar New year, but am kinda glad he came early..

The playful brothers - one of whom is appropriately dressed to welcome the MOo year!

Cheeky Xuan - Check out the "Bao" word on his cool shirt!! Apparently many thought he is a gal, is it the pink top or the baggy pants or the shaggy hair?!!!

11 Days of Edric Yap Bao Rui

Thanks to all the well wishes for baby and our family. Appreciate all of it.
While the delivery has not been exactly a bundle of joy, but baby is a joy to be around for sure.. !!

Today just went to the Doc to check on the wound again and to tie up the loose ends by snipping off the knots.. and Doc prescribed this over 100 bucks cream meant to prevent the scar from becoming "nobbly" (i.e. not have skin folding across/ leaving a deep imprint) - in short, to make the scar looks nicer lah.

Think Doc Yeoh really feels very bad about the C-sect, and was really concerned with how I was coping with the C Sect.

You know I believe in signs, and while it was written in the horoscope that this delivery will be a difficult one (I am supposed to avoid the hospital this month according to the Fengshui book or I will have health related issues..).

When I delivered En and Xuan, everything was the same, from the inducement, to even the same midwife who helped. Even the delivery suite faced the same direction. And of course we had the same confinement auntie for En and Xuan then.

This time, we were ushered to a delivery suite that faced the opposite way, a different midwife, a different confinement auntie, a different cot, etc.. oh well.. it sounds a bit silly but we kinda know this baby is gonna be different.

Of course the costs incurred for him is extraordinarily different as well.. the emerg C Sect, the last minute decision to be in a single ward which amounts close to a 5 figure sum (while it was a good move ultimately since I needed help to do every little thing and needed NJ to be around round the clock), and CNY period which made confinement nanny's fees close to 5 figure for 3 mths of wk..

Well, but looking at Baby Bao Rui, one will smile at his cuteness.
He seems a relaxed baby, sleeping without a care in the world with hands stretched above his head or beside his head (very adult like), and even when awake, will be quietly observing the surroundings with his dark eyes.

He makes lots of little sounds when sleeping, but we learnt that he is usually not awake, just sounds accompanying his movements as he turns or moved his arms. And i love his little smiles when you speak to him, his assessing look when he tries to locate the sound of voices, and how he will purse his lips like a gal!

Weighing 3040g when delivered, he was down to 2915 when discharged. But a wek later he was weighting 3205g when he went to the PD to be cleared for his jaundice!! With his huge appetite, drinking a mightly 90ML at barely 2 weeks old, it is no wonder!!

And here I am with a hard time trying to catch up on his consumption.
My only regret is really the time he spent in NICU, and me in my bed due to the severe C sect pain. That delayed the latching for a good 3 days. That is my greatest regret. As Bao Rui is a patient baby, unlike En, and he suckled very well, much like Xuan, so it will have been really easy to feed him. however, with his jaundice that was so high, he was given formula to help flush out the bilirubins. And that made latching him challenging, especially with his huge appetite.

However, I have not given up, i am slowly building on the volume through pumping, and as of today I manage to pump half of his feed each time. If he is not such a big eater, it might have been quite adequate.. however with time, i am sure I will catch up.

I just regret not being able to latch.. with him, I miss that closeness when I am not latching him..
Maybe cuz he is so sweet.. yeah, I am partial to sweet guys!!

As for how the brothers are coping, many have asked..
Well, En is really affectionate with baby, stroking his head, patting and holding Bao Rui's hand, and telling visitors about Bao Rui who is his brother. He is well aware he has 2 brothers now and enjoys calling baby Bao Rui.

As for Xuan, he calls Bao Rui "bb" and will say "cry" even when Bao Rui is not crying. think he associate Baby with crying since he first heard the baby through the baby monitor. And in his usual rowdy rambuctiousness, sometimes we are worried that he will accidentally hurt baby, so we will usually restrain Xuan or keep an extra close eye when he is nearby.

So far so good.. it is a bit tiring with the regualr pumping and the middle of night alarms to wake and pump, but the post birth this time has been much better, if not for some other issues I had to grapple with.. sigh.

Changed?

"Females are made of water" - it was said. For the past week, I have to agree.
For the past week, it seems that tears flow easily like a loose tap.

It has only been a short week, but it has been a week of much self realisation and discovery.

Delivering Bao Rui has been life changing to some extent to me. Of course a series of post birth incidents and events also heightened the awareness.

I have always thought I am a female of strength, and with fortitude in matters of the heart, and unbearably weak in matters of the flesh, being totally non pain tolerant at all.
I never thought of myself as weak. And especially not dependent on others.
I also thought I am the kind who can cut the strings and just walk away when I put my mind to it. I thought I can be selfish and self centered when I want to.

But perhaps, motherhood has softened me. Or maybe my priorities have changed...

Things that I thought I will not be able to tolerate, I swallowed.
Pain that thought I could not withstand, I bear with it (not that I am given much choice to begin with).
And when it comes to the kids, I am unbearably weak. I can't bring myself to be selfish, or think for myself more..

Before I even saw Bao Rui, i was already attached to him. Of course, him being diagnosed with G6PD deficiency only make me feel more protective of him.

When faced with a choice of taking good care of myself by consuming all the confinement food/ herbs or to breastfeed Bao Rui, whom with his G6PD meant that I can't take the herbal stuff that are better for me, I wish i can be more selfish to care for myself. Especially the toll that the Cesarean that had taken on me.

When I should have just walked away from certain issues, which I would have in the past, I find myself wanting to give excuses and rationalising myself into accepting those issues which were unacceptable before.

It was a bitter pill to swallow. As that means I am no longer a free agent, free to act as per what my will dictates.

It means I am compromising myself. And I hate that feeling of compromising my beliefs.

Sometimes I feel very "wei 3 Qu 1".

If one is no longer happy, or faith is no longer there, can one still continue the journey for the sake of others?

是我想太多?

是我想太多
你总这样说但你却没有真的心疼我
是我想太多我也这样说
这是唯一能安慰我的理由

他霸占了你的心中属于我的角落

Yap Bao Rui

Finally.. Bao Rui arrived.
Unexpected and in a totally different manner from his brothers.

I gave birth to Bao Rui on 10 Jan, when my water bag burst around noon. Bao Rui was not delivered till 17:25 pm eventually via an emergency Cesarean.

The day before, I just had a doc's appt and did the ECG which indicated some labor contractions, and Doc said that while baby may decide to come any time, we still have an appointment for the subsequent Thursday when we decide on the day in inducing baby on the 38 week.

But Bao Rui took matters into his own hands.
My water bag burst, and thinking it will be a speedy delivery, i was much dismayed and distressed to learn that baby was in distress, with rapid heartbeats.
Hence I could not be induced nor let labor take its own course; a C section was the safest option.

Not wanting to be further distressed by an epidural C sect, I opted for GA, which turned out to be what caused me the greatest pain in my life.

When i woke up, it was only to find Baby in ICU and it was another 2 days before I saw him, before that all my impression of him was through a video clip and photos that NJ took.

And i was in such pain that it was impossible to get out of bed.
Despite the painkillers, turned out I was allergic to the ones they usually prescribed for C section patients, so the mix of the rest did not do much pain relief for me.

It was a 3 days later that Bao Rui was discharged from the ICU, but instead of rooming with us as anticipated, he continued his brothers' tradition of super high jaundice level (at 290) and had to be in nursery all the time for phototherapy.

HE could only be discharged on the 5th day, so we spent another day in hospital with him so that I can try to catch up on feeding him..

We even had to rent the photo therapy home , as his jaundice only came down slightly and in order to come home, he has to complete his light therapy. By the time i was writing this entry, his level has come down significantly and can be off his phototherapy for the first time!!

It was an immensely tramatising event for me to go through C section and the level of pain I was subjected to.
I was in physical pain all the time for the 1st 3 days, and always crying because of the pain.
By the time I wrote this entry, I just visited the doctor to discover i had various inflammation - both of the wound as well as the area surrounding the wound because of my sensitivity towards the dressing.

And this is probably because I was taken off antibiotic while I was in hospital as that gave me diarrhea for the first 2 days, in addition to the pain. So today i was prescribed antibiotic cream as well as some more antibiotics.

In any case, here are the pics..

Watching the End of Little Nonya and thinking about True Love

This morning I was reading Blinkymummy's blog entry about True Love - how scientists have discovered what true love is - "couples who demonstrated the same mental 'love maps' to animals who mate for life, the likes of swans and grey foxes" (? - that is new to me).

The only question I have after going through the article is what leads to these "mental maps"? Are some people more capable than others or does it depend on meeting the right person? Like if we meet the right person, then we will have true love..???

Then tonight i spent 2 hours watching a disappointing ending to the Little Nonya .. and what struck me most of the entire 2 hour episode is the following advise Yueniang gave to her grand daughter on love and choice..

"The one whom you love may not treat you well.
The one who treats you right may not be the one you love.
However, happiness lies in your own hands ( or choices)..."

(the above is translated cuz my Chinese software [dunno why] dun wk, have to correct that when I go back to wk, that is if i remember the words by then still..)

So the message seems to be - you can choose to love or be loved. Either way, happiness is in your own hands, so there is no such thing as an "objective" true love?

Hm.. that is why sometimes, I think SOME relationships are full of passion. Some are full of ration-ale. Unless the passion is guaranteed like for the swans, to last a lifetime, then more often than not, the rational relationship (based on assessment of compatibility, one's expectations and needs in life etc) may have more chances of succeeding.

I have observed that not all people marry the person they love most.
They marry the most suitable person whom they meet at the "stage" or period of time when they are thinking of marriage.

Maybe this is a uniquely Singaporean mentality, that by a certain age, you marry, instead of, I meet this person and it is the person I will marry, no mater what age I am at (cuz other things like studies, NS, ability to afford a flat etc etc are considerations).

So more often than not, when a person starts work, can afford a HDB or something then they think of marrying the person they are with. However, sometimes, that person may not THE love of his/ her life..

Sad is it not, if it is the case?
Maybe pragmatic Singaporeans do not value passion a lot?

In the Little Nonya, the ending seems to depict Felicia Chin choosing the guy who loves her more/ treats her right..

Maybe it is always safer to love a person who loves you more.
However, the romantic in me also feel that to not have experience grand passion will be regrettable. Yet, one must have confidence that the passion is sustainable over time to allow the relationship to withstand changes in both parties, difficulties that emerge, life stage or priority changes ..

Will Passion be more apt to sustain a relationship through that, or will Rationale be more suitable to carry the relationship through?

I believe more men choose their spouse based on rationale. More females choose their spouse based on passion. and in that, do we have a fine balance or a mis-match of expectations? Hard to tell..

If one is not greatest love in the partner's life at that point of time, if the relationship sustains over time, can one then BECOME the passion/ greatest love for that partner?

I dunno.. I am just thinking..
And still thinking..
But definitely intriguing.
Do we ever analyse our motivations when dealing with matters in love?
Should we?
hmmm...

Back Dated Photos and Mood Swings..

Well.. here are some back dated pics of the kids at Botanic gardens last. As promised.








































Some are asking why I abandon blogging once hubby is back..
Eh..

1. too busy with the festive gatherings esp. since NJ is back 2. nothing interesting has happened except for the gathering and some simple pleasures.. 3. had been thru a cycle of mood swings in like 5 days.. too much to blog about..
All in all, it has been a hectic start to the new year.
Spent some time with hubby and kids, and its the whole cycle of sweets and fights .. i guess its a universal patterns of ups and downs..

I am a tad tired.
And now a bit panicky cuz last visit to doc revealed that we may have to deliver baby on the 12 Jan or thereabouts.. cuz my sugar levels are really bad, and instead of having insulin jabs during the 38 weeks, doc much prefer to deliver the baby if we have gotta do the insulin jabs.

Hence, I am also a very gd gal, trying to keep to small small meals and cut out the sugar so hopefully we can deliver baby a bit later?

It is like i have not done up the nursery and prep all the baby stuff yet.
So super stressed. Not to mention all the hand over for work and stuff.. I gotta clear out my desk!

Hubby is stressed too since he has 2 more papers to submit. Until then, he also can't do anything for the baby.. too busy mugging! argh!!

And we have not really decided on the baby name yet...
Likely to be Bao-Rui (4) but dunno which character to use yet! and also, the english name is not fixed yet..
So we are not prepared.. Not keen to have a nameless baby..
Argh...

Let's see.. living by the day now, but the D-Day stress is getting to me.
Coupled with problems with THE maid, life is turning more chaotic than ever.
I just want THE current maid OUTTA the house ASAP.
She is aggravating my mood swings.

I really tried to remember that some ppl cannot help being what they are.
But in my current state, I have almost zero tolerance for senseless people.
It is easier for me to do the tasks, like feeding etc. It also just means i ll be more tired.

But i figured better tired than to have to scream and bring about contractions, right?
Especially when i suspect the screaming will not help the mentally challenged much. Seriously.
sigh.

Such is the story if my pathetic life. Argh!
me hope this is not the start of something blues....