The Issue of Choice..

I think store assistants who have seen us shopping with En are probably very amused..
By the rather trying experience in selecting and buying something for En.

Well, I read somewhere that it is healthy to get the kids to choose things for themselves when they are about 15 mths plus. Kinda for them to exercise their independence and like a form of training. Hence, some months back, we have increasingly asked for En's opinion from which set of pyjamas he wants to wear, to what colour socks to what toys he wants to play etc.

So recently, we progressed to letting him choose the things to buy.
And well.. we ended up with these add ons for his crocs..


Both hubby and I walked out of shop wondering why in the world we paid the cost of 2 happy meals for these rather "common" things. I dunno why he wanted that elephant in the first place (I dun even know he is so into elephant, I thought his current passion is with horses); there are many colours of elephants, but he insisted on the brown one. Then there are so many types of balls, rugby, basketball, soccerball etc etc, and our little friend only wanted "this one".

And hubby tried to psyche him with the other nicer stuff, but our En En "dunwan". There were tonnes of cute zebras, flowers, rockets, trains, mickey mouse and all the disney characters, we walked out of the shop with these 2 mis-matched, themeless and not very exciting looking add ons. I bet the store assistants must be thankful that we helped them clear stock for these non exciting items..

Well.. the only satisfaction we had was

1. Every 5 steps or so, En would bend down and touch his shoes - "phant" and " ball ball"
2. When he came home, he refused to take off his shoes and kicked up a big fuss when we tried to persuade him that he cannot go to sleep with his shoes on.

So we are pacified. He has demonstrated the he is really fond of the add ons and it is money well spent, no matter how we feel about the add ons ourselves...

cheeky babies...

Stealing the pics that hubby has taken over the weekend, when the 2 babies were well dressed to go out.. looking good and cooperatively having their pics taken..

and u can see why Xuan is soon to be the really notti one..

First you think this little one seems fairly harmless, a tad clueless sometimes..

Then you think he is such an angelic baby, with that innocent look...

Then you start to wonder if he is really as innocent as he look since he seems to be on Momo's back most of the times, mostly just irritating her..

Then he starts on his "Disturb you while you drive" tactics.. irritating his brother as well..

So here is the TRUE FACE of the cheeky little boy, who has this swirl on his head testifying it..

Regaining My Sanity

To start - many thanks for the barrage of SMS-es, and also Cheryl for her comments.
I am fine now, finally got the tears to stop at around 7 plus in the evening on Saturday, and I even managed to venture outta the house for dinner.

I know that on hindsight that I am gonna feel very silly.
It is just one of those things which emotions just overwhelmed one.
In any case, I am still extremely sore that I missed the first concert with En, cuz apparently he really enjoyed it, and was able to sit through the concert for 1.5 hrs.

Well.. NJ did not take any pics etc so I won't really know, I think he is just afraid to rub salt on wound as he knows I am so not ever going to forgive him for this.

Still, on a positive note, it is one of those lessons one inevitably gotta learn.

There are things that the man still does not know about a woman's way of thinking despite knowing each other for 10 years.
We cannot expect a man to know what we want all the time.

And I have this streak of wanting to experience as much of the 2 boys as I can.
I feel that the experience of motherhood is kinda linear.
Some things, some experiences only happen once.
Kinda like the first time the baby crawls, the first time he calls you Mummy, the first time that he walks towards you...

All these milestones are special in those moments when they happened.
And I want to be part of those milestones.
I take parenthood very seriously as an experience.

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Anyway, I am so going to blog this conversation that Husband and I just had half an hour ago.

In the aftermath of the emotional turmoil that wasted me away for the whole of Saturday, I continue to "torment" him with little nudges and poison.

So i asked: "When was the last time you bought me something... You bought En new add-ons for his Crocs, and even a new book fr him etc etc.. when did you last buy me anything.."

And he answered "Last week, when you ran outta coffee, I bought you the coffee (Refills). Coffee is very important to you..."

*faint* Well, goes to show how different man and woman are yeah..
Sala frequency all the way lor!

Wasted

I feel I am dead, or in mourning.

The last time I was I mourning, I did the same.

Cried from night to day.

Eyes swollen, mind empty.

And I have stopped eating.

Since this morning, I only had coffee, and some chips.

And I feel empty.

So it is so that I have wasted the whole of Saturday.

I feel wasted.

I am wasted.

Mentally, emotionally wasted.

Pain is a scary thing.

Loss...

I am sitting here, crying.

Sadness and Anger have visited me again. And both together this time, knocking on my door and making themselves guests in me.

The recent progress I made with the book “Buddhism for Mothers” taught that we ought to confront the feelings we feel every day as what t is and recognize that it is part of all the impermanence that surrounds us. It is also part of the training for being in the moment.

So here I am, pass midnight, blogging as tears continue to make their way down my face.

This is perhaps, also one of the most brutally honest entry I have made so far, in terms of confronting the emotions straight on ...

As human, sometimes we do not want to disclose the ugly and weak side of ourselves. But in this, for you to understand my sadness, it will inevitably bring out the worst side of me too.

It all started with free front row tickets to the Hi-5 concert given to me by my cousin.

I did my due diligence to check that kids under the age of 2 do not require admission tickets. So I am happy that we have a chance to bring En to his first concert, and I was hoping we can go as a family, Papa, mummy and En.

It will be like a treat for him.

He likes Hi 5 according to super nanny.

And he likes to go out with us together. Some time back, he was reading this Chinese story book to me about Papa, Mummy and baby going to the beach. Young as he is, he seems to have this notion of family togetherness. He also likes Goldilocks and the 3 bears, with Papa Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. And he has another story book which talks about night falling, and Papa sleep, mummy sleep, baby sleep.

So I was looking forward to it, especially after running 2 weeks of groups, i.e. late nights when I do not get to see him at nights, and I am faced with another weekful of groups next week, and thereafter we will be off to the UK when I will not see him for a while. So I was really looking forward to spending time with him, as a family unit.

I dun really care for Hi 5 myself, but it is the experience that is important.

After all, it is En’s first concert.

If he remembers it, I want to be part of that memory.

Even if he does not remember, but is happy and enjoys that, I want to be part of that experience.

It is not my experience, but it is this desire to share his experience. It is part of growing up – first day at school, his first school uniform, the first time he fell down, first time he sees an airplane, first time to the concert..

All these are important to me.

Just like the things we remember about our relationship – the first date, the first kiss, the first year anniversary, the different experiences a couple goes through..

These things, for some strange reason, are important to me.

They are like little memories that one stores in a bottle and put them in a shelf in our heart and mind.

But then, my husband has to go offer a ticket to his nephew without consulting me.

And he happily asks me to bring the boys while he waits outside.

I am not going to bring 2 rowdy boys on my own to a high energy concert.

And he does not seem to understand that I am upset not because I want to be with En (since he offered me the chance to bring the boys), but I am extremely upset that we will then not be able to experience with En his first concert as a family.

I think men are stupid. They so do not get such things.

And then the man offered to withdraw the ticket from the nephew.

And in this case, I am selfish.

But yet, I am not selfish enough to deny the 3year old boy who is probably really excited and geared up for the concert and the meet the stars session (the tickets offers the opportunity to meet the performers !!)

So I am between the rock and a hard place.

To be brutally honest, I am really selfish. I wonder why do we have to offer the ticket to the 3 yr old. Yet, I can understand d his disappointment if we deny him the ticket.

Now, even if I choose to act on my selfish thought, and do not bring the nephew along, the experience will be a tainted one, as I will feel that I am building our happiness and experiencing En’s experience of the misery of the little boy. I cannot do that. But I am extremely upset, angry and unhappy about it.

So here I am crying, because I feel very sad that I am missing that experience.

It sounds very silly as I type it. But it is just this loss.

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As one walks along the beach, looking for that little precious seashell that you know you will find... and one misses it, as the beautiful shell half buried itself in the sand..

Has one miss that precious thing forever, or is there a chance that one will have another chance to find that precious little seashell again?

Even if one does find another seashell which is as beautiful, one would already and really have missed the previous one, half buried in the sand.

Is missing that seashell an important loss, or will the new ones that you find make up for it?

But the new one is after all, still not the one that you miss, so theoretically, one cannot replace another.

And it is so that I see this incident.

Term End Party at JG

Last Saturday was the term end party for En at JG.
It was our first party, (we missed the last sem for some forgotten reason).
So the instruction was to bring some snack - no beef, no pork, no nuts.

So we bought cheese cubes (En's fav) and pandan cake.
And there were tonnes of food.. and even a birthday cake from Chloe who turned 2 that day.

Well, the theme for this term was Farm and Fairy Tales, so kids were encouraged to dress up as per the theme.
Well, we could not find any appropriate clothes, so we just let En wore his zebra top (a farm animal mah) . But we should not have worried, as the teachers were well prepared with body crayons and we had a really fun session of transforming the kids' faces, arms and legs with the drawings.

Check out who En became - A mini Jack Sparrow with a Hearts and bones tattoo thanks to his Chinese Lao Shi and English teacher working on him the same time.. And I think he did not really comprehend what happened to him, but was happy to jump and dance around to the music.

There were lions, spiders , butterflies, adorable cats and many other pirates around.

Little Evans, one of En's classmate, had a spider drawn on his leg (Itsy Bitsy spider, climbed up his leg). However, it turned out that he was scared of the spider and teacher Eliza had to rub the spider off him..

It was a really fun session, En thoroughly enjoyed it. The kids could really feel the fun and festives in the air. En was jumping around so much that we had to remove his socks from his feet so he can run around without fear of him slipping.

This was our first kids party, and NJ and I really enjoyed it.
It was a mere 2 hours, but it was like a little getaway for us, we felt little like kids ourselves as we watch all the kids prancing around full of energy.

At the end of the session, certificates were given to the kids, so every kid went up to collect the cert as his/ her name was called. We were not expecting En to be able to go and collect his cert and come back to us, but he did it! It was a surprise as we thought he would be too shy or fearful.

After a full semester, we have seen some improvements. His command of language is stronger than when we first began, he is now engaging the teachers better - both the Chinese and the English teachers, to the point that he would give each of them a hug after class, and he is now more at ease with the other kids in his class.

So we will be really looking forward to Term 4!

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I want to blog about this issue, before I forget..
I saw a pamphlet advertising a workshop for parents "How to Talk to Your Kids So They will Listen". It is a 6 sessions workshop, and based on the acclaimed book of the same title. Now I dunno if it is the author herself conducing the workshop, but I found out about that at JG.

So it costs about $400 plus for 6 such sessions - every Saturday for 2 hours.
I was quite keen, but was a bit worried about travel and work interrupting the workshop.
Husband thought it was a little pricy.

There is no doubt that the workshop is pricy.
It all depends on one's affordability. Assuming affordability is not an issue, then we have to grapple with the willingness to spend issue.

I am thinking about it in terms of how we often seek to upgrade ourselves for a better job.
We read books, read papers, attend courses at work so as to up our skill set so that we become an asset to our employer, nail that promotion and move up the corporate ladder.

And I question why should being parents be ANY DIFFERENT?
If I draw on the same analogy, should we not be equally conscious of upping our skill set as parents, of upgrading ourselves to be better parents so that we become a greater asset for our kids?

Why do we bother attending boring courses etc for work, and not take more effort in improving ourselves to be parents. We studied for a good 15years plus etc to prepare ourselves for the workplace.

Have we really thought of what we have done to prepare ourselves to be better parents? Are we naturally good parents? Even if we are, just as we upgrade to stay relevant at the workplace, why should learning to be good parents be any different?

I feel that being a parent is a life long job - more so than whatever position we hold in the office now. And we need to be more conscious of being good parents for our kids as we are their parents for life, and teaching and nuturing them is our long term job. We are not born with the skills to be good parents, so it is actually quite essential that we learn through all ways to become better in our roles as parents - observing other parents, trial and error, reading about it, attending workshop/ talks with the experts etc.

I just feel that sometimes when we look at the cost of what we have invested in the kid - versus what we have invested in OURSELVES as parents - the ratio is disproportionate. We take pains to save money so as to offer them the best education etc etc, when we ourselves are their sole contact and closest kin that they have, we are our kids' first' mentor, and everything we do and say have an immense impact on them, and possibly for life.

So why should we not invest in ourselves to be better parents?
I keep thinking how we can so easily miss this - as we pursue that promotion, that next pay raise, that upgrade in our education, that savings for the kids future etc, that we forget that we need to invest in ourselves as parents, and seeking to upgrade ourselves to be better parents.

Hence, when hubby mentioned that the cost is pricy, I do agree, but when willingness to pay becomes an issue instead of affordability, i just cannot agree in lieu of all the reasons I have stated above.

I think sometimes, we just miss the bigger picture as we become so used to our role as parents.
We are not born parents, no one is.
And Parenting is a far more important job than whatever role we are now holding in office...