SMS again - Single Mum Syndrome

I SMS again.. because hubby is away in reservist.
Somehow I started seeing this as a "practise" / trial period for when he will really be away for long..

The things I do, the feelings I have, should be the same bah. Maybe they will be more acute by then cuz knowing I will not see him till when the baby is due.. at least now I know i will see him this Friday when he books out from the army.

I think I am a lazy, parasite-ish kinda person.
When alone, I can be rather independent and strong, and take care of myself. After all, way before I met hubby, I have been taking care of myself fine, and rather enjoy my independence..

But once I have someone to rely on.. I become a parasite. Maybe it is the backlash from being too independent, when I have someone to rely on like hubby, I become really needy. The ultimate damsel in distress sometimes.

With hubby around, I am very lazy, because I know he will take care of things, and me. And I know he will play his part as co-parent, so I am relaxed, and sometimes to the extent of abusing that sometimes.. (Yes! I know my weakness)

So hubby has this impression that I really cannot make it without him around.. Perhaps. But I am always surprised with the strength or determination I have when I am placed in a particular situation.

Like last Saturday, hubby was still in camp, and I have to work out arrangements for accompanying En to art class in the morning and bringing Xuan Xuan to his JG class. Usually hubby will ferry us and we take turns with Xuan in JG so it is less taxing. So hubby was telling me that if I was too tired, I could give Xuan's JG class a skip, esp when transport was a problem since I cannot drive.

Turned out I was resourceful enough to get a ride from Celeste for En's art class, and FIL fetched Xuan and me to the JG in the afternoon. And I am amazed that I have the energy to be with the 2 boys for the whole day - alone.

So it was not too bad, I admit I am mentally weak. That innately, perhaps I am stronger than I think I am.. and I like having someone care and take care of me. And luckily hubby gives in to me quite a bit in that aspect, allowing me to be totally 'nua' sometimes..

Before leaving for camp, he stocked our fridge with dairy supplies, cake, and our pantry with fruits and noodles for my late night snacks. He probably fear that I will starve or kick up a big fuss for having no snacks to munch on at night..

This I will miss when he is off to China. I will miss having someone care for my needs, someones who knows my likes and dislikes, someone who gives in to my whims.

Then again, maybe I will revert to be the Amazon-ish female, totally independent and in control. If so, by the time we meet together again, will we have to storm and norm to be at ease again?

This is the not the first time we spent mths apart. When we were dating back in school, he was on an exchange program that took him to the States for 6 mths. Those days were surreal, cuz we were newly in love and the distance augmented every nuance. And I remember when he returned, he said to me that we should never stay apart cuz it is so difficult. I wonder if he still remember this?

I wonder how it will be this time, but I am sure it will be an experience.
As with experience, people either come out stronger, or they become defeated. One can only hope.. but I am sure for me personally, it will be a real test of strength and determination. If i can conquer this, I am quite sure it will make me a stronger person to face other hardships.

In any case, I have the two 保 to keep my company. Between them and their 耍宝 my mind probably can't wander too much.

here's pics of xuan xuan trying to leash himself with Momo's leash and En posing for the camera!

oh, BTW, if you think leashing himself is funny, you need to see how Xuan Xuan sleeps on the floor like momo.. Sometimes I think Xuan thinks he is like Momo .. :)

Wonderings..about Batman and Relationship

Been a bit disturbed..
Since we watch 'The Dark Knight' at my company's movie night out..
and after reading Blinkymummy's latest entry on 'This Sweet Young Thing'

Both not seemingly related, but they both highlight the complexities in being a human being.
I love the Dark Knight.. and I think Batman may well be my favorite super-hero.
I will not say too much here as I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone, as it is definitely worth watching, and again.

Its portrayal of different facets of human being is intriguing, and make me think a lot of what human beings are capable of, or not capable of.

I think I like Batman - because he is not the usual save the world kinda hero.
I find Superman too single dimensional. Sipderman a bit of a indecisive whimp ...
But Batman is complex and intrigues the hell out of me..

Well... watch the film.. but be prepared.. it can be dampening.. and really a bit too dark to some's liking..

On the other hand.. Blinkymummy's latest entry of older men liking younger chicks is disturbing to me at an entirely different level.. Sometimes, i think if we think too much of the darker side of things.. and the infinite possibilities for a relationship to go wrong.. i won't even be married at all.

Yet, to not think of these same infinite possibilities of how a relationship can go wrong seem naive to me, especially when observational anecdotes point to their existence. Older men falling for a younger woman, esp. older man who has wife and kids, is only one of the many ways why it is hard to maintain a relationship.

But only very recently, a male colleague was telling me how he has faith in his wife and trusts her to be there for him.
That he knows that his wife will not hesitate to give up her life for him if needed, and vice-versa. Sounds very drama.. but the way he said it, and the conviction with which he said it, really touched me.

Cuz I never really think about my relationship in life and death terms.
And i cannot reconcile having faith in my partner with the infinite possibilities that a relationship can go wrong.
How can one have faith and trust when you see around you, and hear around you of all these stories of mis-placed faith,trust and betrayal.

It sounds to me, that it is a huge gamble to have total faith in your partner when the odds are so high..
Sometimes, I think, while I have faith in my partner, but I do not have faith in the environment/ macro system or in other women. Is that the same as not having faith in my partner?

I really dunno..

Like i think i have psyched myself into thinking half a year's separation will be OK, that it is a short time, and if things are to go wrong, it can jolly well go wrong here. And I rather not dwell on the horrible possibilities, but sometimes hearing or reading about others straying from a relationship get to me. Like now..

Yet, I am also at a stage where I think it is very childish to "track" what your spouse is doing.. Maybe I can't be bothered, I simply do not have the time, or to some extent, i think it belittles me, my self esteem, and who I am, to go to that extent of trying to control the inevitable.

I am very confused about all these, and I apparently do not really have a point of view on this.. kinda, I will like to have faith and trust etc.. all these cerebral concepts I believe, but the reality does not empirically support these concepts, and undermine such concepts, so I am torn between the 2, cuz I do not dare to place my bet.

Maybe that is why Carin Lau puts her relationship to 20 years test before deciding on marriage?

三国鼎立? or 桃园三结义?

[三国鼎立]


I













I think NJ must be too much under the influence of the Red Cliff. (We watched the movie and we love it.. I just think the screen chemistry between Tony Leung and Jin Chengwu is simply awesome!!!!)

In any case, just now when the 2 boys were arguing over their VCD preference, Hubby casually remarked the following 金玉良言!

"下次, 他们三国鼎立, 就没有这个问题了"

And I said, in that case, maybe Xuan Xuan needs a 诸葛亮...

But I wonder if it will be equilibrium and balance of power of 三国鼎立 or the chaos of 六国大风相...

If no. 3 is really a boy, I much rather they enact the 桃园三结义!!

[桃园三结义]



************************************************************

We just brought the 2 boys and Momo to the West Coast Dog run.. It was really nice to see the boys and the dog running freely... though it drizzled for a while, but Xuan Xuan seems oblivious to the rain, or the size of the dogs present..

It's been a long time since we last went to the dog run, we brought En there long long time ago, when I was pregnant with Xuan. And now, I am pregnant with another.. hm..

While hubby is still here, we should spend more of such times...

Coping...

Since my last posting, and from people who have received news of us having no.3, the responses ranged from possible shock to astonishment.. and I know a lot of you must be wondering if we are crazy..

My brit colleague who just returned from her maternity leave was lamenting to me how tough it was for her to manage her toddler and her new born baby.. and that through it all, she always thought about me since I just had my no. 2 when i re-joined the company some time back..

And when i told her that I am now onto No 3, her first response was that i must be crazy, and then hugged me afterwards either for joy or to comfort.. I must say, many must share the same thinking.. sometimes I also wonder where we find the courage to have 3..

To top it off.. todays' news have the headline that "Singaporeans list key challenges to marriage and parenthood".. that people are hardly getting married and for those who are, are not even having no.1, and here I am talking about the impending 3.. According to the series of public consultations, the key 3 challenges to having kids include:

1. financial security
2. Work-life balance
3. childcare arrangement
and a close 4th is female's concern with losing their job if they took longer leave to care for kids..

so I question why are the 4 cited barriers not preventing us from having more than 1 kid..

I can't say if we have financial security, after all ,who really have financial security? We just have our jobs, and soon both of us will not even be working for a while, and thats' that.. so I can't say we really have financial security. Then again, while the costs associated with kids are really high, I really believe all parents cope within their means.. And all parents, rich or poor do trade off. so just cope and make the best trade off decisions we can.

For people who know me and hubby's line of work, we do not have much of work life balance. Nj is constantly interrupted by calls in the night, during meals, on weekends etc and he works till wee hours of the night. I have late evening groups sometimes or when I am rushing reports or my travel stints that eat up some parts of the weekends or definitely taking me away from our kids at night.. However, we make do and try to find time for kids and each other.. I do flexi time and spend whatever time I have in the morning with kids before work. I come home early and bond with the kids till they go to bed and then I resume work. And our weekends are mostly dedicated to being with them.. It is a tough juggle but we make do. I really believe in quality time, and making the effort to spend time.. no matter how little or limited it is..

And i outsource childcare arrangement to my helper, my mum and mum in law. And so far, it has been ok but challenging sometimes, but if you read my previous agonising entries, it is not without its pains.. but I think we will have to make do..

The thing is, I believe for majority of the middle class Singaporeans, having kids is not that big a problem. As I have put it very extremely in an earlier entry, sometimes we either under-estimate ourselves, or we are really, to be perfectly honest a little less sacrificial.

Of course it is everyone's choice, some choose to be successful career women, some choose to be a perfect mum, others perhaps just juggle and make do. And the number of kids is ones choice and one's comfort level. The thing is to remember we have choices, and more so these days with the opportunities given to women. So it also make the decison making process harder as the opportunity cost is very high.

I think, in my case, I cope by allowing myself not to be perfect, even while I do strive towards perfection.. Recently we had a catch up session with 2 of my oldest friends, who now have a daughter of their own each. One of them remarked when she saw my kids' doodling on the walls, TV, stairway that we are very tolerant of our kids, that it drives her mad that her daughter doodles on the wall..

While we try to discipline the boys and limit their drawings to paper, accidents often do happen and it is a fact that kids always test their boundaries. That I can't help or prevent, so I choose to overlook such little stuff instead and focus on the important stuff, like not destroying our antique furniture.

I think, if we think very rationally about all the things we do with kids, it is a very tedious chore, and very tough and very challenging. This i agree with all mums. Hence, i sometimes choose to not think about it. And NJ is very good at reminding me of that.. to breathe, let go and believe that there is a solution eventually. And that solution is not by worrying about all the problems before they even surface.

To say I do not worry about coping with no 3, I have to be lying. Especially when nj is off to china this sept, I will be single pregnant mum for a while. And of course, I wonder if i have enough attention to give all 3 kids. And even time for myself, for couple-hood. Whether I can lead a sane life with 3 screaming rowdy kids..

But you see, all these are doubts. And we will cope, if we let go of some things, here and there and not try to be perfect. And we have to believe that kids are adaptable and that they will not love us less just cuz we have 1 more kid. When we try to be too perfect, and do not live up to the standard we set for ourselves, we feel guilty and think we are not good enough.

I learnt very long ago that there is never enough guilt for mothers, for parents to feel. Almost every occasion can be an occasion for guilt. Sometimes I think we made ourselves feel guilty to punish ourselves and so, we do need to teach ourselves to let go of this guilt. And believe that we are more capable than the image of ourselves in our mind.

I am not the best mum, but I am the best mum as I try to be for my kids. And that has to be enough. Just as my kids may not be the best kids, but they are the best that I have nurtured them to be. We live in an imperfect world, in all our less than perfect conditions, so why should we not allow ourselves little imperfection? :)

So much for now.. I will talk about coping specific coping strategies in other entries, right now, i want to upload latest photos of the boys!!

Introducing handsome Xuan Xuan.. and Doctor Yap.















Xuan's favorite bolster

No.3 on first day of CNY 2009

I wonder if people do pregnancy announcement via their blogs..
Well here it is anyway. Our no. 3 is on the way.. for those who have not heard it from the grapevine yet.. Baby rat probably, cuz baby is due on 26 Jan, first day of CNY. And probably Aquarian like moi!

I have my 12 weeks scan this morning, and baby looks.. like En and Xuan! The same prominent forehead and the pointy nose.. and the little fingers and feet are so cute!! Even the face really resembles the 2 little boys! Yes, it has been a long time since I did a pregnancy scan lah..

But hubby is very disappointed when Dr Yeoh once again said “I think I see something! Do you want to know the gender..”

Well.. I still have hopes. This is still a very early scan yet.. gender typically does not surface till the fifth month.. but I know NJ is feeling very inconsolable if this is gonna be another “Bao-X”!

Well, we always think having 3 is the perfect number of kids to have. And also we like little gals, esp. Papa. Maybe this is the best time, or else I will be too old. And we are already considering adoption *desperate* for a gal..

I will like to think someone heard our wishes and have graciously blessed us with no.3. Timing wise, I dunno if it is really the best time, with Papa going away, and CNY is a bad time to engage confinement lady. And bringing 3 kids to China seems really daunting.

But I have faith. I have faith in myself, that in my typical “miew-lology” things always seem impossibly bad, but placed in the situation- I will come through, as always. After all, I perform best under pressure and nothing can be more pressurizing like the circumstances now.

I have faith in hubby. Who has always been a pillar of support for me and babies.. though it will be more difficult in the initial months when he is away and I have to do all the night feeds myself now..

I have faith in little baby. Maybe we are really amnesic creatures when it comes to pregnancy, or it is Nature's way of making every birth special and unique.. I already feel little baby is so CUTE!! He/ she looks really adorable in the scan, the face the rounded head and body, the little prints of hands and feet.

Well, so much for my close shop before 30.. but I do feel the past 12 weeks have been a nightmare of puking and bad days all the time. Compared to my previous really easy fuss free pregnancies, the first 12 weeks were a torture. I am sure looking forward to second trimester!

And I want to look like her, this time round for my pregnancy, this glowing and this good ok. I suddenly have a weakness for heels, something I won't wear for like next 10 months! Argh!! And all my dresses… and I will grow 25kg fat.. argh!!!!!

Ohh.. I so want to be a yummy mum!!

Broken families - the root of all kid problems?!!

Recently I feel there has been a lot of attention in the media highlighting the broken families of victims – as if broken families is a direct/ indirect contributor to the fate of the victim (whether it is the NS boy/ the hot shorts girl who was murdered)..

I wonder about and I question the effect of a wholesome family on kids.. for sure, a lot of literature have already talked much about it..

In an age where divorce rate is climbing and it is a reality that it is harder to hold a marriage together than to let it fall apart, it seems very fatalistic to me when results are attributed merely to the status of the family.

You will think that if we have evolved so much – that the broken families and people will have evolved to cope with the broken family status and its effects on kids. Are all the psychologists and sociologists not having a field day trying to analyse this and coming up with solutions, if we already see divorce as a upward trend that will likely stay than to go away?

Hence, if there are coping mechanisms in place (definitely there must be! Divorce is not invented a decade ago!) then, I am saying there is something besides the status of broken family that may have impacted the kids more..

Is it the income, is it the vices of the parents, or is it simply the lack of attention?

If it is any of such parameters, then they are not automatically correlated to broken families, i.e. a kid can come from a full family where parents are of lower income, or are victims of vices such as excessive gambling or alcoholism or as simple as coming from a full but negligent family!

Hence, in this age where divorce is a reality that many have to cope with, I think it is very stigma-tic to continue attributing failures to status of the family. It is not fair, and it is not realistic.

And it is not helpful in helping the public see the REAL ROOT of the problem that may have resulted in the tragedy, which may turn out to be an even more prevalent trait/ situation! One day, I hope to see a change, and more insightful reporting. Please, to me, it seems really passé to attribute failures/ tragedies/ any weaknesses of kids to simply, and linearly, the cause of broken families.

Just because we are pro-family, should not make us BLIND to persevering, loving and capable single parents who strive to bring up their kids well and wholesomely.

If anything, these individual deserve more credit as it is much tougher for them, don't you think?