Coping...

Since my last posting, and from people who have received news of us having no.3, the responses ranged from possible shock to astonishment.. and I know a lot of you must be wondering if we are crazy..

My brit colleague who just returned from her maternity leave was lamenting to me how tough it was for her to manage her toddler and her new born baby.. and that through it all, she always thought about me since I just had my no. 2 when i re-joined the company some time back..

And when i told her that I am now onto No 3, her first response was that i must be crazy, and then hugged me afterwards either for joy or to comfort.. I must say, many must share the same thinking.. sometimes I also wonder where we find the courage to have 3..

To top it off.. todays' news have the headline that "Singaporeans list key challenges to marriage and parenthood".. that people are hardly getting married and for those who are, are not even having no.1, and here I am talking about the impending 3.. According to the series of public consultations, the key 3 challenges to having kids include:

1. financial security
2. Work-life balance
3. childcare arrangement
and a close 4th is female's concern with losing their job if they took longer leave to care for kids..

so I question why are the 4 cited barriers not preventing us from having more than 1 kid..

I can't say if we have financial security, after all ,who really have financial security? We just have our jobs, and soon both of us will not even be working for a while, and thats' that.. so I can't say we really have financial security. Then again, while the costs associated with kids are really high, I really believe all parents cope within their means.. And all parents, rich or poor do trade off. so just cope and make the best trade off decisions we can.

For people who know me and hubby's line of work, we do not have much of work life balance. Nj is constantly interrupted by calls in the night, during meals, on weekends etc and he works till wee hours of the night. I have late evening groups sometimes or when I am rushing reports or my travel stints that eat up some parts of the weekends or definitely taking me away from our kids at night.. However, we make do and try to find time for kids and each other.. I do flexi time and spend whatever time I have in the morning with kids before work. I come home early and bond with the kids till they go to bed and then I resume work. And our weekends are mostly dedicated to being with them.. It is a tough juggle but we make do. I really believe in quality time, and making the effort to spend time.. no matter how little or limited it is..

And i outsource childcare arrangement to my helper, my mum and mum in law. And so far, it has been ok but challenging sometimes, but if you read my previous agonising entries, it is not without its pains.. but I think we will have to make do..

The thing is, I believe for majority of the middle class Singaporeans, having kids is not that big a problem. As I have put it very extremely in an earlier entry, sometimes we either under-estimate ourselves, or we are really, to be perfectly honest a little less sacrificial.

Of course it is everyone's choice, some choose to be successful career women, some choose to be a perfect mum, others perhaps just juggle and make do. And the number of kids is ones choice and one's comfort level. The thing is to remember we have choices, and more so these days with the opportunities given to women. So it also make the decison making process harder as the opportunity cost is very high.

I think, in my case, I cope by allowing myself not to be perfect, even while I do strive towards perfection.. Recently we had a catch up session with 2 of my oldest friends, who now have a daughter of their own each. One of them remarked when she saw my kids' doodling on the walls, TV, stairway that we are very tolerant of our kids, that it drives her mad that her daughter doodles on the wall..

While we try to discipline the boys and limit their drawings to paper, accidents often do happen and it is a fact that kids always test their boundaries. That I can't help or prevent, so I choose to overlook such little stuff instead and focus on the important stuff, like not destroying our antique furniture.

I think, if we think very rationally about all the things we do with kids, it is a very tedious chore, and very tough and very challenging. This i agree with all mums. Hence, i sometimes choose to not think about it. And NJ is very good at reminding me of that.. to breathe, let go and believe that there is a solution eventually. And that solution is not by worrying about all the problems before they even surface.

To say I do not worry about coping with no 3, I have to be lying. Especially when nj is off to china this sept, I will be single pregnant mum for a while. And of course, I wonder if i have enough attention to give all 3 kids. And even time for myself, for couple-hood. Whether I can lead a sane life with 3 screaming rowdy kids..

But you see, all these are doubts. And we will cope, if we let go of some things, here and there and not try to be perfect. And we have to believe that kids are adaptable and that they will not love us less just cuz we have 1 more kid. When we try to be too perfect, and do not live up to the standard we set for ourselves, we feel guilty and think we are not good enough.

I learnt very long ago that there is never enough guilt for mothers, for parents to feel. Almost every occasion can be an occasion for guilt. Sometimes I think we made ourselves feel guilty to punish ourselves and so, we do need to teach ourselves to let go of this guilt. And believe that we are more capable than the image of ourselves in our mind.

I am not the best mum, but I am the best mum as I try to be for my kids. And that has to be enough. Just as my kids may not be the best kids, but they are the best that I have nurtured them to be. We live in an imperfect world, in all our less than perfect conditions, so why should we not allow ourselves little imperfection? :)

So much for now.. I will talk about coping specific coping strategies in other entries, right now, i want to upload latest photos of the boys!!

Introducing handsome Xuan Xuan.. and Doctor Yap.















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