Envy and Regret

i just read Diana's Ser's interview about motherhood in Simply Her this month.
i just read blinkmummy's entry on "One's constrains and One's Context".
i recently finished Grey's Anatomy where Addison found she had trouble conceiving a child when she thought she had all the time in the world to do so...

Such is life..
Sometimes I think mums have a lot of regrets.
Well, i dun think mums regret hvaing the kids, but we probably have all goe through phases where we have doubts..
about ourselves, about our choices, about the kids...
that kinda unstablises us..

Then we will look to our kids, and think we are really lucky, blessed etc etc..

Well, from Diana's article, I agree that woman will always have doubts, but we are actually stronger than what we think we are.. and our kids give us that strength, to push us to the limits and still survive and come out stronger..

From blinkymummy's entry, i feel that we are all susceptible to envy, some of us look at our peers and envy the for what they have achieved and wonder if our choices are right..

However, unless we are like Addison in Grey's Antomy where she realises too late that she has not been clear on what she wants in her life (choosing career over having kids) and ends up full of regrets, we will never really be, IN OUR PRESENT MOMENT, truly confident and contented and sure that what we have done and chosen are what we want and right for us..

Of course, there are some people who are - but then we always wonder if those people are right when they seem sure of themselves and what they are doing, that they may be blinded to other stuff...

Doubts are a large part of our life.. because there is no certainty in this world.
Envy is our song sometimes because we are greedy and always on the lookout for more self gratification..
But what i cannot live with is regrets..

And because of my fear for regrets, there are times when i have made choices which are measures against regret, even though they may not be what I am SURE I want..

Choosing En and Xuan over career is one of those things..

I fear that i will regret it if I don't have kids early- that i may not have them or that i may not enjoy them as much when i have them older...

so even though i have much doubts sometimes, about whether I will be happier, better etc etc if I don't have kids.. I have made a choice that leaves no chance for the regret that i fear.

And to be that is a safe choice.
i always don't know what I want..
But I am sure of what I don't want...
And I think that is a good start...

thinking..

We celebrated En's birthday right early the past weekend, cuz Papa and mummy will be away for work, and by the time we are back in town, we will not have been in time for a weekend party for him..

It was a cosy gathering of people that he is familiar with and like... so no more wailing like his first party, and no need to "hide" him, he was gamely playing with everyone happily..

Photos to be uploaded soon .. since grandpa and grandma took the pics, but again, we seem to have missed the family pic thinggi.. we so do need to get our act together.. esp for Xuan.

We cannot keep going on like this - lacking in family pics. I feel so uneasy about it..

These days, I have been addicted to Facebook, and then to Grey's anatomy season 3..
Hence have not been actively blogging..

But En's birthday reminded me how time flies.. really in less than a blink of an eye, my baby is already 2 years old!

And I am thinking..
i think i m addicted to motherhood .. it is a bit like a love hate relationship..
on days one feels as if it can't get any worst..
yet there are days, when it simply can't get any better...

Maybe I have been lucky, I have yet to have any real "fights" with babies, or be really angry at them or with them..
and more times than not, I really enjoy them and their company..

Looking back, celebrating En's 2 yrs old is also like another graduation year for me - in the course of motherhood.

It is like one is gradually learning and growing without really thinking or looking at it.

Well, it has been a great 2 years.. and I can't look back.

There has not been any real tangible rewards of motherhood, but deep inside me, I know I have changed. It is not a drastic change, but something more insidious and gradual.

and at the end of the day, I feel really good sometimes..
simply happy for the fact that I live another day to listen to En's funny talk, and seeing Xuan's cheeky smile..

back to reality..

Back, and a tad lazy...
Being kid-less for 9 days kinda deluded me into thinking I am into the single carefree female.
The only mum duty i had to perform while we were away was to call home every morning and ask what new antics the kids are up to.. kinda easy...

Well, in the days since i was back, quite lot happened..
1. Xuan Xuan started babbling lots, and coming into his own character.. erm, kinda like his personality is really emerging now.. hm.. Seeing is believing..

2. En manage to settle himself in 3 days a week 3 hour school on his own.. I was with him for a session, hubby was with hi for 2 sessions and last Thurs and fri, he was on his own. Teachers' feedback was he was "consolable" and engaged in class.. not too bad, I was expecting worst.

3. Now last minute panic, planning for En's birthday this coming saturday. We are doing his birthday way in advance given hubby's crazy travelling schedule coupled with my own.

4. Today, while we were shopping at Wisma, we witnessed a kid's hand stuck in between the gaps of the lift, and the kid wailed non stop. He should be slightly younger than En and slightly older than Xuan, and thoroughly traumatised y the experience. Hubby said the mum looked shell-shocked. Xuan Xuan was looking at the wailing baby curiously throughout the entire episode. Well, we figured they should go to the A&E at the nearby Mt E to have an X ray taken to make sure all is well...

And finally, those who wondered how the kids coped while hubby and I were away for so long, well a good summary will be to quote En En's saying "Mummy, Papa go england". haha!

When we first saw En at the airport while we were waiting to claim our bags, he did not cry but kept motioning us to join him on the other side of the glass.

When we have collected our baggage and saw him finally, he cried tearily.. and dramatically on our shoulders. Well, that kinda encapsulated how he feels about us being away.

So when I asked him if he wanted to go with us to england the next time, he pondered for a while and said "Dun wan"... :)