Loss...

I am sitting here, crying.

Sadness and Anger have visited me again. And both together this time, knocking on my door and making themselves guests in me.

The recent progress I made with the book “Buddhism for Mothers” taught that we ought to confront the feelings we feel every day as what t is and recognize that it is part of all the impermanence that surrounds us. It is also part of the training for being in the moment.

So here I am, pass midnight, blogging as tears continue to make their way down my face.

This is perhaps, also one of the most brutally honest entry I have made so far, in terms of confronting the emotions straight on ...

As human, sometimes we do not want to disclose the ugly and weak side of ourselves. But in this, for you to understand my sadness, it will inevitably bring out the worst side of me too.

It all started with free front row tickets to the Hi-5 concert given to me by my cousin.

I did my due diligence to check that kids under the age of 2 do not require admission tickets. So I am happy that we have a chance to bring En to his first concert, and I was hoping we can go as a family, Papa, mummy and En.

It will be like a treat for him.

He likes Hi 5 according to super nanny.

And he likes to go out with us together. Some time back, he was reading this Chinese story book to me about Papa, Mummy and baby going to the beach. Young as he is, he seems to have this notion of family togetherness. He also likes Goldilocks and the 3 bears, with Papa Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. And he has another story book which talks about night falling, and Papa sleep, mummy sleep, baby sleep.

So I was looking forward to it, especially after running 2 weeks of groups, i.e. late nights when I do not get to see him at nights, and I am faced with another weekful of groups next week, and thereafter we will be off to the UK when I will not see him for a while. So I was really looking forward to spending time with him, as a family unit.

I dun really care for Hi 5 myself, but it is the experience that is important.

After all, it is En’s first concert.

If he remembers it, I want to be part of that memory.

Even if he does not remember, but is happy and enjoys that, I want to be part of that experience.

It is not my experience, but it is this desire to share his experience. It is part of growing up – first day at school, his first school uniform, the first time he fell down, first time he sees an airplane, first time to the concert..

All these are important to me.

Just like the things we remember about our relationship – the first date, the first kiss, the first year anniversary, the different experiences a couple goes through..

These things, for some strange reason, are important to me.

They are like little memories that one stores in a bottle and put them in a shelf in our heart and mind.

But then, my husband has to go offer a ticket to his nephew without consulting me.

And he happily asks me to bring the boys while he waits outside.

I am not going to bring 2 rowdy boys on my own to a high energy concert.

And he does not seem to understand that I am upset not because I want to be with En (since he offered me the chance to bring the boys), but I am extremely upset that we will then not be able to experience with En his first concert as a family.

I think men are stupid. They so do not get such things.

And then the man offered to withdraw the ticket from the nephew.

And in this case, I am selfish.

But yet, I am not selfish enough to deny the 3year old boy who is probably really excited and geared up for the concert and the meet the stars session (the tickets offers the opportunity to meet the performers !!)

So I am between the rock and a hard place.

To be brutally honest, I am really selfish. I wonder why do we have to offer the ticket to the 3 yr old. Yet, I can understand d his disappointment if we deny him the ticket.

Now, even if I choose to act on my selfish thought, and do not bring the nephew along, the experience will be a tainted one, as I will feel that I am building our happiness and experiencing En’s experience of the misery of the little boy. I cannot do that. But I am extremely upset, angry and unhappy about it.

So here I am crying, because I feel very sad that I am missing that experience.

It sounds very silly as I type it. But it is just this loss.

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As one walks along the beach, looking for that little precious seashell that you know you will find... and one misses it, as the beautiful shell half buried itself in the sand..

Has one miss that precious thing forever, or is there a chance that one will have another chance to find that precious little seashell again?

Even if one does find another seashell which is as beautiful, one would already and really have missed the previous one, half buried in the sand.

Is missing that seashell an important loss, or will the new ones that you find make up for it?

But the new one is after all, still not the one that you miss, so theoretically, one cannot replace another.

And it is so that I see this incident.