In less than 3 weeks, NJ will return to China.
This reunion has been busy, chaotic, unexpected and really busy.
Many things had happened.
Emotions have been raw.
And sometimes I feel we hardly have time for ourselves. Too much to do, too much to accomplish. It is like a perpetual game of catch up with the macro world. There is hardly time to really introspect and think through some issues.
And what should have been familiar seems unfamiliar.
What should have been seems faraway.
What should not be seems to stay.
And now I feel going to China seems a big step for me.
What i was so sure of, I am not sure now.
Something has changed. Maybe something is missing or lacking. But there are a lot more doubts. I am not sure I want to face what I will find there.
Maybe I have been too tired lately. And too much has happened too fast in a seemingly time compressed manner.
I was chatting with one of NJ's friends on FB the other morning and was given the advise to watch out for "Sum Zero", that we cannot cheat Nature, one day Nature will come back and bite us if we are not careful.
So I was cautioned to slow down and not try to TRY too hard to do everything.
It is true, I believe that too, and how often we forget to stay in the present.
There are too much going on in my life now.
Too much stuff in my mind too..
And too much burden on the heart.
And all these led to some thoughts.. are they realisations? or am I still in the process of searching?
The Search /Realisation
Sometimes I think one is better off being blissfully ignorant.
Some things, once lost, are hard to recover.
Such as faith. Such as trust. Such as love.
I think faith and love provide one with great strength to overcome the odds.
However, the lack of them instill much doubts, which insidious as they are, once planted, grow and are a force to reckon with as they are hard to stop.
And I think doubts do not necessarily only require betrayal to sprout and grow.
They can follow when one's faith is shaken - in oneself's ability to fight, in the future, in the greater world out there and in the other people.
To try and recover the faith or to take a leap is a painful process.
Because of the doubts. And the fear - fear of pain. Fear of disappointment. Fear of the tears.
If you have shed tears, the wrenching kind that cannot be stopped no matter how hard you try, you may be afraid. To go through that - again.
Someone told me that many people strive to fight for things that they think are worth fighting for. I wonder what gives these people the will to fight, if they have already experience the pain and disappointment.
Many times, I think it is easier to give up and walk away.
People are always asking me to stay and fight.
So as to hold dear what is worth fighting for.
To give what was - what had been - another chance.
To do that, I need an balm to achieve amnesia.
I need to be able to forget.
Maybe with time I will since I am always really forgetful.
I hardly remember the reason for quarrel many a time.
Maybe eventually I will.
Until then, I need patience and understanding I guess.
For my doubts. For my ambivalence. For my lack of faith.
你不是真正的快乐
Have been hearing and watching this MV a lot on TV.
And each time, I feel a lot of resonance with it.
Some of the lyrics are scary... in its simplicity and yet with it, the ability to convey the feelings for some people at certain point in time.
03 你不是真正的快樂.mp3 - 五月天
五月天-你不是真正的快乐
人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会
梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了
你已经决定了
你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜
就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割
你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳
这世界笑了
於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则
不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着
你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
然后才后悔着
你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是
你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下
你穿的保护色
为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着
I particularly like this part -
这世界笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是你的选择
於是你含着眼泪 飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着
Sometimes, indeed, we are caught in situation where we do things, or made certain decisions not by choice, but because it is required or most expedient. sigh.
Posts
4 comments:
Hello Hello, =)
Congrats on Bao Rui's arrival. May he be blessed with good health and a wise mind in the many years to come.
I was thinking about this particular paragraph:
"Someone told me that many people strive to fight for things that they think are worth fighting for. I wonder what gives these people the will to fight, if they have already experience the pain and disappointment."
And my answer is "Hope".
Despite all the failures, all the setbacks, all the pain, tears, disappointment, burst bubbles, all that remains to keep me in the fight is Hope.
I don't know whether or not all the things that I believe in and hold dear to will come to pass. I don't know if it will lead to success one day or yet another period of darkness, tears and fears.
But I just feel that as long as I still hope for that thing, I feel that I have the strength to carry on, even if all things seem bleak and hopeless.
It's that little voice that tells me, "There's always room to hope" and then I find that I can continue the journey.
In my heart, hope is like a little bird that willingly remains in my cupped hands; the little bird will stay and chirp to me and will not struggle to fly away as long as I want it to remain with me. And with its company, I know I am not alone.
Anyway, sorry if I am just warbling above, but just to share. =) Do post more photos yah?
hang in there, Baby En! to some extent, i know what u mean, the sheer exhaustion, the much to do, supporting the hubby and placing the children's needs first, and how the simplest tasks become trickier with the baby and young kids. but don't give up, keep going, and keep on hoping! taking it one day, one step at a time... that helps me, and i do try and focus on the joys, not that the frustrations aren't there... it's for my own sanity!
u take good care, OK, and i know there are some things that may not be so bloggable and may still bother you, but try, try not to let them get to you.
i'm praying for a smooth transition for you and all your 4 Baobeis, the biggest one included! when will u be making the move?
God bless u and your beautiful family!
hang in there, Baby En! to some extent, i know what u mean, the sheer exhaustion, the much to do, supporting the hubby and placing the children's needs first, and how the simplest tasks become trickier with the baby and young kids. but don't give up, keep going, and keep on hoping! taking it one day, one step at a time... that helps me, and i do try and focus on the joys, not that the frustrations aren't there... it's for my own sanity!
u take good care, OK, and i know there are some things that may not be so bloggable and may still bother you, but try, try not to let them get to you.
i'm praying for a smooth transition for you and all your 4 Baobeis, the biggest one included! when will u be making the move?
God bless u and your beautiful family!
(oopsy, wrong email showed up in my earlier comment... u can delete that, and if u need a ear, do just get me at my gmail or via FB, and will get back to u as soon as i can)
thanks for sharing your faith!! Each of us cope in a different way, drawing strength from different things but it helps to hear from others!!
Minimally, it makes one feel part of the world still..
Post a Comment