"Females are made of water" - it was said. For the past week, I have to agree.
For the past week, it seems that tears flow easily like a loose tap.
It has only been a short week, but it has been a week of much self realisation and discovery.
Delivering Bao Rui has been life changing to some extent to me. Of course a series of post birth incidents and events also heightened the awareness.
I have always thought I am a female of strength, and with fortitude in matters of the heart, and unbearably weak in matters of the flesh, being totally non pain tolerant at all.
I never thought of myself as weak. And especially not dependent on others.
I also thought I am the kind who can cut the strings and just walk away when I put my mind to it. I thought I can be selfish and self centered when I want to.
But perhaps, motherhood has softened me. Or maybe my priorities have changed...
Things that I thought I will not be able to tolerate, I swallowed.
Pain that thought I could not withstand, I bear with it (not that I am given much choice to begin with).
And when it comes to the kids, I am unbearably weak. I can't bring myself to be selfish, or think for myself more..
Before I even saw Bao Rui, i was already attached to him. Of course, him being diagnosed with G6PD deficiency only make me feel more protective of him.
When faced with a choice of taking good care of myself by consuming all the confinement food/ herbs or to breastfeed Bao Rui, whom with his G6PD meant that I can't take the herbal stuff that are better for me, I wish i can be more selfish to care for myself. Especially the toll that the Cesarean that had taken on me.
When I should have just walked away from certain issues, which I would have in the past, I find myself wanting to give excuses and rationalising myself into accepting those issues which were unacceptable before.
It was a bitter pill to swallow. As that means I am no longer a free agent, free to act as per what my will dictates.
It means I am compromising myself. And I hate that feeling of compromising my beliefs.
Sometimes I feel very "wei 3 Qu 1".
If one is no longer happy, or faith is no longer there, can one still continue the journey for the sake of others?
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Dedicated to both Baby En and Baby Xuan and Baby Rui, the babies who have managed to create havoc in the entire household before they have even begun speaking.. who have inspired love and dreams even though they are still too young to understand what these are.. who brought smiles to many even before they have learnt to smile, and of course tears, heart-ache and anxiety to their parents even before their physical presence are felt in this world!! For you all, the dynamite babies..
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3 comments:
just want to drop a note to say, you're not alone in feeling like this. I personally cope with tears too. Sounds pessimistic, but I think at least it's an outlet rather than to coop all our feelings up. Stay strong. :)
Yah, when I delivered Joy too, I was faced with the decision of breastfeeding her or to be on steroids for my back problems. I chose the former, cos I told myself I can bear with the pain, but I can't bear the thought and the sight of my newborn being carried away from my arms.
Those months were tough as I was really biting my lips for that excruciating pain I was going through.
I cried too and not for myself. I never cry for myself. Those tears were for my Joy.
Like what brightsong said, you are not alone. We women, are vulnerable, and yet strong.
NJ and I have a mutual friend, our ex-classmate. Her child born with G6PD as well. Things will turn out fine.
Dry your tears. Bao Rui, is but a bundle of joy. He and you, both have been courageous warriors so far.
=)
Mommy, I know what you mean also, and wished I could have had a more real confinement, but it just gets harder with each subsequent child, so you do what you deem is best for the baby and for everyone in the family in the larger scheme of things. Stay strong, think positive thoughts, and Bao Rui is such a big bundle of joy, and both of you are on your way to recovery! And yes, talk to us here as that always helps me =) Big hugs for you, my friend!
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