All about talking - speech from the heart..

Like I have mentioned in one of my earlier entries, how things learnt at work can sometimes be applied to kids if we think hard about it.. I recently have 2 more discoveries that I will like to share..


But before that, I need to declare what a struggle it is to be a working mum, especially a working mum whose job entail quite a bit of travelling...

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I love to travel, especially alone.. it gives me the time to think, to reflect and to explore my own interests.. and I also like the distant love thinggi.. I feel closer to NJ when I travel, cuz he is always in my thoughts and it is a time in which I treasure and appreciate him more, as it made me realise how much he is a part of my life..

Hence, i love my job, though the peak preiod which entails me to live practically outta a suitcase moving from 1 hotel to another is increasingly undesirable as the travel fatigue sets in..

But I love having travel as part of my job, it fulfills me very much..

Then I have kids.. that is when i realise I do not enjoy the travel as much as before..

In the past, every hotel room i go to is fascinating, as I imagine sharing it with Nj the next time we travel together.. but now that I have kids every hotel room is like a box keeping me away from my kids..

I am now blogging from a sinfully indulgent hotel room, but the room means nothing to me.. nothing to my soul; it is as if having kids has changed the components of my heart and soul. I am no longer intrigued by the superficial luxury of a hotel room, not when the room does not have the spirit of the kids..

This trip is especially bad, because I was sick when I had to go away, En was also sick and I had to leave him in the care of others, others when it sould have been my role. My job.

And worst, I was rushing the presentation at the conference, cleaning up my slides and the amendments etc, and I could not even bring him to the doctor. And I feel so bad. It should not be this way. As a travelling working mum - am I a bad mum? I dunno but I feel bad...

But the most amazing thing happened on this trip too.. for the first time, En had a conversation with me on the phone!

Me: hello En En, hello
En: hello mummy (prompted by papa)

Me (excited!): hello En En, how are you? I will see you on thursday when Mummy come home with an orange elephant ok? 好不好？
En: 好
Me: I love you En En, can you say 我爱你？
En: 我爱你
Me: I love you so much, and I miss you! Ask papa to bring you to the airport and I will see you on Thursday ok?


.... and my heart melted. No doubt it is prompted, but En knows what I love you means, and most of the times he does not say that readily.. It was really one of THE moments - when i felt so far away, but he is so close in my heart.

It is definitely one of the most beautiful moments for me..

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Speech is one of the most powerful thing I realised. Not just cuz of the recent telephone conversation, but I have realised that many things we say can make or break a relationship.

With our kids, I think we need to pactice a lot of mindfulness, active listening and also speaking mindfully. Here are some realisations based on 2 trainings I have attended for work..


Lesson 1: Suspend your agenda and practice active listening

My job is a group facilitator. More than anything else, my job trains and requires me to read people's body language, read peoples' conscious and unconscious responses, and listen, really listen to what people say to derive the little nuggets of gold that helps or break a product or brand.

I was attending a regional conference 3 weeks back on how we can manage our work and clients. My biggest takeaway from the conference was something that can be applied to both work, but more importantly, when applied to kids and family, I think will make us great communicators with our kids and loved ones.

One core skill that we practise thru role plaing and all, when we interact with our clients is to suspend our agenda and listen to the clients more. So we understand their REAL need, and then address those needs accordingly. A lot of times, we go to meetings with our own agenda. We do not listen, or we pretend to listen, all intent on making sure we get somethig out of the meeting or making sure the meeting was fruitful by saying what we have on the agenda.

And I realise many a times, we do this with our kids too.

We want them to listen to us. We lay the rules for them. And we do not listen to them or their real need.

E.g. day out or a shopping trip. We have a whole host of errands to run, and things to do and time to keep to. All these form our agenda. And when the kids stall and do not want to go to those places we want or do as we say, we get into a conflict situation with them BECAUSE we are pushing our agenda and are not listening to them, not their needs... They are little people with needs, emotions, like us!

If we take a moment to suspend our agenda, and listen to what they really want to do..

We can really resolve the situation much better and avoid the tension or us getting angry.

And here, I want to share this great book that I am reading.. currently at the first chapter, but I feel it has already changed my life dramatically already...



it is titled "How to talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It is a very enjoyable book to read, with comics, with real examples and even real exercises that put us through what a kid is feeling. (i actually wanted to attend a course based on this book but schedule simply does not allow but I will definitely go for the course the next time it is organised!)


In the book, there are 4 simple ways to cope with a child's demands.. But first we need to practise suspending our agenda so that we can listen to the kids' needs carefully. And then we need to acknowledge their emotions so the kids next time know how they can cope with their emotions. Most of the time, we deny the emotions of the kids, or worst label the kids for their emotions or actions.. if you think about it, everyday it is happening..

"You are not really afraid of the cat right?
"it is ok, dun be upset over a spoilt toy, it is only a toy" ..

But to help the kid manage their feelings the book recommends the following:

1. Listen with full attention

2. Acknowledge their feelings - "Oh".."I see"

3. Give their feelings a name

4. Give them heir wishes in a fantasy

The use of the above helps to deflect an explosive situation, and also helps in preventing the kids from not being heard or listened to, or that we do not understand what they are feeling.. so that kids will continue to talk to us because we understand them. We always say our parents do not understand us when we were young, it may not be that the dun understand, but they have not SHOWN that they understood, simply with Step 2.


One of the key contributors to a breakdown in conversation is when we deny the feelings of the other person, so much so that it is pointless for the other person to talk to us anymore..

it is the same in relationship --- the wife always complains, the husband ignores or puts down her emotions, she does not feel valued nor given adequate attention, their conversation turned abusive, accusatory, sarcastic and soon everything else falls apart.

that is also how in the teenage years, we all stop talking to our parents.

1. they do not empathise with us

2. they are not interested in listening to us - or they listen to us only to turn around and scold us or given moralistic lectures

3. So we end up not talking to them, its easier and it does not help to talk to them anyway...

Of course, we do not have to always agree with the kids, the book also has many tips for learning how to state our stand without anger so we convey the message without hurting the child's esteem.

Let me share more as I get through more.. I am slowly savoring the lessons..

Still the first step I think is to suspend our agenda when we are with kids.

Like I always say, spend time with the kids mindfully, and avoid pushing our agenda, and let's try not to fall into the trap of not actively listening to our kids. if we don't listen, we are also ignoring and belittling our kids...

Lesson 2: feedback on bad behavior

I was attending a 2 hr training on how to give feedback as our annual appraisal period is here.

I was introduced to the following framework:


i. Give feedback by describing the action/ behavior objectively
i.e. i notice you are not delivering the reports on time or I saw you are shouting at someone.

ii. Describe the impact of the action

i.e so the client was upset or and that upset the other party so much that she is t motivated to work

iii. Allow the person to respond and explain.

iv. suggest improvements.


My biggest take out was how step i and ii are so crucial and useful to the way we talk to our kids about bad behavior.

We tend to emotionalise the issue or label them in the process, which affects their self esteem or make them defensive, e.g. "You are so naughty, how many times have I told you to stop throwing your bricks?" "Why do you not listen to what i say, stop jumping!"


All these statements, for one, does not state the real action that needs to be addressed or the action that we want our kids to do or follow (i.e. put down the bricks gently/ stay still) and it labels the kids and hurt their esteem through negation.

We need to state the problem and the impact clearly so that the kid understand the borders or the parameters and that will ensure that the same action will not be repeated. it needs to be clear to the kid. And when we are less emotional, the kid are also less likely to be defensive or go into a tantrum in response to our anger..

I find it very useful to note these little skills - interaction between 2 person is like a ball bouncing between 2 people.. we need to get the serve and the swing right, so the receiving party volleys the ball back gamely back to us and in the manner we want..

If we have to set out to rightly speak what we mean or to positively address a situation, we cannot expect the kids to respond rightly to us.

Worst, they may pick up all our bad cues and next time play them back to us..

Hence, working is not that bad sometimes I think.. as I feel being skilled worker does value add us as parents, and being parents also make us more aware and experienced in managing people and their emotions. these little lessons I learn are great help I think in managing my babies.. I need all the help i can get with these 2 little lovely rascals

Meanwhile, I am gonna survive this working trip and look forward going home to En En, with his orange Jim Thompson elephant.. :) as promised.. and something for Xuan Xuan to destroy as well...