The Artist

En has always been interested in drawing.
He loves his art class, and since Papa went away, we ended his weekly art class.

Hence, when his school launched a series of enrichment classes after school, I was glad to see Art classes offered, amidst other classes such as swimming, speech and drama, Mandarin etc.

Half of me wanted to sign him up for swimming, as it is an essential skill, but Xuan seems too young for it and I will prefer the boys to learn it together. Nonetheless, I asked En, whether he wanted to do the Art class or swimming class, and sure enough Art class excites him more, much as we try to persuade him to consider swimming.

Thus far, En has attended 4 classes and I must say he has shown significant progress.
Not sure whether it is due to husband's influence these weeks or the classes, but he has been experimenting with different doodle and even did a rather good drawing of the cow and lion now.

I am impressed with the art class teacher, as he never fails to post emails to parents of kids attending his class on the weekly art class activity, and with pictures!

Here is what he wrote the week before CNY, and I was very impressed as I really feel involved with the classes.

"Dear Parents,

Last week we did crayon drawing with the theme ‘Fireworks’. We imagined how fireworks were shot up into the sky and explode like flowers. Although you may find the pictures ‘messy’, if you listen to the little artist’s explanation, you would be impressed by their great imagination. We enjoyed the time talking, imagining, acting, and drawing about fireworks together. I hope you enjoyed sharing the joy from your children at home. You children will be confident and proud of their achievements by your support and encouragement. Attached photos are for your reference.

Wish you and your family a prosperous year of ox!"

En's Calendar for 2009!

Fireworks to welcome the New Year

A Work in Progress Treasure Box these 2 weeks!

And just the other night, En asked me to draw an elephant. So I did on his doodle pad.

And he said: "Mummy, you draw wrong! Not like that."

And told me that the elephant that Papa drew is not like that. And he then proceeded to ask Papa to draw him an elephant. *Roll eyes*

Of course, Papa is a better artist than me la, that may be where the genes came from, but who is to say my elephant is not right?! Sigh.

The battle of wits has begun..

New faces of Bao Rui

Rui is coming to 1 month this Saturday.
Time flies!!!







This time round it seems to just whizz past..
Maybe it is more hectic this time round.

And I envisage a hard time coping with 3 boys and my pumping once confinement auntie goes home in another 2 months' time... Which raise the question if I will be able to cope in China if we move over.

Now, the move is a big if..
Mainly because the C section has made me so weak, and also inconvenient to move a bit faster, bend a bit more, carry a heavier load etc..

Everything will really be less complex if it had been a natural delivery.
Maybe it is really BM's "Sum Zero" manifesting itself - Nature claiming back what it should have been and forcing me to slow down.

Sometimes I think maybe it is all the stress during the pregnancy that resulted in the emergency C section, leading to a distressed baby. That on its own is Sum Zero. And now, the C section leaves a scar for life, to remind me that one cannot cheat Nature, it knows when you are not taking care of yourself and is greedy in wanting too much.

So I am really thinking and trying to slow down whenever I can now.
I think it is my right, i still ve a long journey ahead, and if taking it slowly now means I have a more fruitful journey later, pause I must.

Thinking about Love and Someone

I dreamt of someone last night.
Someone who is probably lost to me, and whom I am always indebted to, for this whole of my lifetime.

I do not know why I dreamt of him, but i think it is a sign. Again, in the darkest moments of my life, you came to me. And your words, they come to me again.
And I read a note of a fellow Aquarian in facebook today, and again, it seems to echo the same message. Another sign.

Well, those who have been reading the previous entries or FB-ing me probably know I have been very troubled the past weeks. It is as if I have been living in the shadows and trying to come out of the shadows. My mind has been battling with the heart with equal wins and lossses.

And I am trying to seek a way to walk out of the dark.
And everyday, I ask for help. For strength to overcome the difficulties that my heart cannot accept. And I know i needed it to resolve this tough patch or it will haunt me, and those around me for life.

And I know, if given time, and I still can't get over "the incident", then it may be a sign that I need to move on in a more drastic manner.

I was hoping for signs, and for cues. Last night, in the dream, and today in the note I found them.

Yes. Love is about forgiveness.
You reminded me that I need to learn forgiveness and tolerance.
For myself. And today, for others.

And these words from the note reminded me to treasure the love we have and find "because it took hard work to find, and as we move along it will take hard work to keep it."

I canot forget.
But I shall try to forgive.

For now, that - that should be enough for now.
If I should lapsed in my resolution, this entry serves as a reminder.

This is the reason to keep fighting - because real love is so hard to find it in the first place.
That is the reason to stay. And to keep.
Thou shall not have doubts nor hopes to ever find another like it.

And given time, I hope I forget. Because, like you say, love heals.

Another year older..

Today, I am a year older, but everything still feels the same.
It had to be one of the most boring birthdays I ever had as I can't do lots of stuff, so it was spent innocuously at home most of the time, but at least I spent it with the kids, and the boys were ecstatic over the cake and the candles.

And En is becoming very good at serving the cake to others before eating it himself.
I look forward to Bao Rui joining the chorus next year.

There is something about celebrating birthday with the boys, they are quite contagious and make me smile. Was trying to recall what I did for birthday last year, took me a while and finally remembered husband and I went away for a short holiday. So this is like the first time the boys sang me a birthday song, it feels different, definitely making me feel older for sure.. sigh.

But sometimes, I think i like to keep my own life separate from the kids.
Just like I try to keep couple life separate from the kids as well.

Some people may wonder at this strange tot.
Is it like trying to delude myself? No. I don't think so.

i love the kids, and they are a permanent fixture in my life.
However, I need my own space, and I need space for husband and me.

So sometimes, events like birthdays, anniversaries etc, I prefer to celebrate them separately.

Sometimes, i think the kids are so much a part of my life, I worry about losing myself completely. And being who I am is important.

Sure, I am a mum.
But I am first myself first. It sounds really selfish I know, but in my mind, it is like I have these different spheres of life. My kids are involved in my life, even an important part of my life, but my life does not revolve around them. Rather, I hope my life does not, just as my life does not revolve around husband's, because I feel that the moment it does, then we are dependent on others for our survival and well-being.

Of course, these I hope I achieve and maintain, since it is easy to be insidiously revolving around other people, esp when it comes to love of others. Hence, sometimes, I just want a separate space for events that are just about me...