Letter Without Stamp

Recently I experienced one of the most awkward heartfelt moments in my life.. I lost touch, literally lost the contact, of one of the most important persons in my life..

I have known Him for over 10 years, since I was in college.. subsequently we corresonded via letters when He moved back to his native country. (Email was outta qn as he was still trying to learn how to navigate the net and I love to read his funny drawings and handwritten letters anyway). He is one of the most important persons on my life, with one of the greatest impact on my life, aside from my parents, and i never realise this more acutely than when I am a parent and now a parent to be again.. I am who I am today, really because he had believed in me and was there through the difficult, rebellious college days when my parents really did not know how to handle me...

He is like my 3rd parent, and I saw this more starkly when I read Steve Biddulph's book on The Complete Secrets to Raising Happy Children.. In an age back then when we were brought up by parents who were not so into displays of affection, praise and time spent listening to the troubled minds, He was ahead of his time in all this modern age parenting psychology.. He dedicated his life to the kids he taught and his favorite cats.. and back in those days, when parents are apt to blame and scold the kid into decent behavior, his form of nurturing was a refreshing balm to our troubled souls..

And a very troubled soul I was at the age of 17/ 18.. it is that age of rebellion, it is that age where i am trying to find and understand a sense of self, and he was there to provide the right guidiance and assurance by believing that we are not beyond redemption..

He listened without judgement and censorship, and I felt free and safe to voice whatever i was thinking, things that would have appalled my parents could be communicated to Him for advice and opinions cuz He provided the assurance that His love for me will not lessen because of what i said or think.. He provided insights to the difficult choices we face by trusting that we will make the right choice for us, and by believing in us, He also made us believe in ourselves and cherish ourselves more..

Years after college, though our correspondence was infrequent, He is often in my thoughts:
- When I am happy, I said Thank you for making this possible
- When I am sad, I wish i have the strength and your strong belief in me to carry on, as I do not want to disappoint you..
- when I was getting married, I wish you have been here to witness this
- when I was having my first born, i so wanted to name our child after you...
- when I come across books of people who have made a difference, I wish to tell you again what what difference you have made in mine..

Now that I am a parent, many a times, I find myself thinking I want to be just like him for my kids.. and discovering that He had moved without any of my contacts knowing where He has moved to filled me with anxiety.. I hope it is not because age has caught up with him, I hope it is not cuz He has left us, but the thought of not knowing what happened was difficult to cope..

What i want to say to him is like a letter written but without stamp, i cant send this letter out, and this sense of helplesslness is akeen to a huge loss.. a loss that does not have a closure because of the unknown.. I hope one day I will be able to fix a stamp for my letter to Him.. and I hope that day does not come too late..