I am Cry Baby

Every year I get post New Year blues, because I am so reluctant to let go of the past, especially when the past has been good...

2007 has been a great year.. mainly because i feel 2007 is the year in which I found myself again, and am at peace with myself again..

04 - 06 have been quite a ride, lots of ups and downs and I felt lost most of the time, struggling with multiple roles, expectations and adjusting to changes. And my spectrum of emotions range from utter grief and desperation to pure undiluted joy and intense gratitude.. And it is tiring...

Hence, I appreciate 2007 a lot. It offered stability which i never realise I desired.
It offered peace and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I was happy most of the times in 2007.. and NJ and I did not fight that much in 2007, I cant say more cuz i dun want to jinx it...

But most of all, 2007's beauty lies in the hopes that I experienced..
In 2007, i have been hopeful and optimistic most of the times..
And i am finally at peace with motherhood.

I feel that I finally found my place between the mad world of work, love, family, kids and everything.. and I really enjoy parenthood most of the times.. making me finally sure of my sentiments about motherhood.

It is that sense of peace and joy that comes with being a mother.
It is not pride.
It is not a burden.
It is just a sense of "rightness" about me and being a mother.
I am at peace with my status.

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The start of 2008 did not seem bad either. I passed my advanced driving test today, even though i was not really confident about it since i failed once before, and only started to study for it again last night..

thus, I am grateful.. I am on-route to being a driver - pedestrians beware!!!

Today.. on the train ride from Yio chu Kang to Holland, I was reading an article in Her World..
Well i bought the magazine to pass time and to catch up on fashion trends..

But I ended up almost crying in the train when I read the article about how a baby died in her mum's arms, barely a month. And I had recalled reading this real life Accident about the car park gantry at the Expo leading to the death of an infant last year..

And today I read about the mum's experience through it all..
And I wanted to cry.. because the image of a baby's funeral or the sense of helplessness of not being able to help or do more for the baby faltered me... I am confronted by our helplessness..

And i wanted to cry cuz i feel it too..
In a strange way, these things get to me these days..

This is probably the most significant change the motherhood has on me.
I have the urge to cry whenever I read or see babies in distress, baby in pain, kids in accident and of course ultimately death..

And what scares me most, is this.
If i feel so emotionally affected just reading about others' kids, or watching it on a fictitious story, I dunno how I can cope in real life..

And that scares me. Cuz I wonder if I will fall apart.
I wonder how I can be the same again..

And I am quite emo about that..
I keep saying how we should not be so emotionally attached to kids we that may hamper them, burden them, and one day they will leave us anyway to lead their own lives.

Yet these feelings insidiously creep onto us.
Unsuspectingly so.. Vulnerably so..

And I feel very indignant when I recently read about kids being abused, traded or abut slavery and child prostitution..

I feel that as adults.. we all have a choice, and we have a will that we can control.
As kids, they do not have much choice, and their will are not horned to cope with the world yet.
And so, they are entitled to our care and love.

And i feel very bad and upset when I read about kids not even getting basic survival needs met. And increasingly I feel I want to do something about it..

Call it karma, or a calling, getting into action for kids, is my resolution for 2008.
I believe in the innocence of babies..
I believe in the purity of kids...
That forms the foundation of the start of beings, and living..

And that is something so precocious and precious that is worthy of our protection and celebration.. And it is my cause for 2008.

I can't cry forever whenever I am confronted by an incident, an accident, a disaster involving a kid. If I had helped, in any of my little ways, at least I know I am doing my part.

I can't guarantee a beautiful for my kids always...
But in whatever little ways that help, I want to contribute to making the world as beautiful as it can get.