The 72 hours rendezvous...

I am blogging while hubby has probably just boarded his plane and started snoring?
Yes, over the past 3 days, I feel I have lived a week since Hubby is back, even thought it is only for a limited 72 hours rendezvous.

It is a very short trip, but one made triggered by the following
1. very cheap SQ ticket
2. an events filled weekend - En's school concert, En's birthday party, estate Halloween Party cum water bomb session
3. Changing maid and logistics

So here he was back on Thursday night.. and everyone who knows he is back here thinks he is an amazing man (not a lot of people knows he is back, given it is a trip with a jam-packed with lots of task and things to sort out). Yes, I am married to an amazing man...

But now i am back, alone, and more lonely than ever.

Like I said, it is like an addiction.
and Short term affairs like these never have any good ending (hao-3 xia-4 chang-3)
Cuz it makes the leaving harder and the missing worst and it augments the loneliness.

It is like living an illusion. Wishing it will never end.
But the time spent together is sweet. Or even sweeter because it is so precious, cuz it is stolen, cuz it is something that did not come by easily.

So I imagine it to be similar to an affair.
One of those intense, short-lived episode.
And the end, when it comes, it is often painful.

But like I said in an earlier posit, it is an addiction.
You just get hooked to the idea of seeing each other again, that the pain that comes with the departure did not seem to matter ... at least until the point of departure...

Then the withdrawal symptoms set in.
Like now.
Each leaving makes me feel lonelier and more vacant, if it is even more possible to feel lonelier.
Each departure always seems imperfect..
because of the unspoken. which can be expressed more.
because of the deeds undone. all the things which I could have done more..

And each departure brings greater apprehension of the time alone.
and this departure brings that more than ever...

His company is addictive. After having 3 short days together, it has made me reliant on him again.

When hubby is around, I feel shielded and sheltered from all the negative tasks and vibes. At least i do not need to take the direct hit.
When hubby is around, I have luxury of efficiently running tasks, without worrying about timing and transport and hassle.
When hubby is around, I get to enjoy local, delightful food - the Tiong Bahru baos, which I never knew I so missed, the particular Bryani, the Pork Organ Soup.. all the local delights across the island, he made me remember how I miss them, there are so many others that I miss...simply cuz it is not so easy to get them if we are not driving..

So now, the apprehension is even greater.
Cuz i am thrust into being alone again.
this is a vicious cycle, this longing, reunion, departing, and longing.
And this time, really, this time, it will be along time before we are together again.

Sometimes i think it hurts.
To be together and apart like that.
It upsets the balance, the sanity..
At least for me..
It is like I insulated myself in order to cope, and then the insulation is made redundant when Hubby is around, and then when he is gone, I have to go back to building the layer of insulation again.

And the process hurts.
But still, I crave for it despite the pain.
After all reunion is sweet..

The night before the first time I left you.. I told you this childhood story I read which made a deep impression on me:

About a fairy who met and fell in love with a mortal prince; the fairy will visit the prince each night, and has to depart each day before the first lights of dawn (can't remember why but probably cuz she has to return to the heavens).

As time passes, the prince wishes that the fairy will always stay with him and not have to depart.
So one day, the prince decides to keep the fairy from leaving by covering every wall, every window, every tiny creak of his tent (think he is an Indian prince - one of those folk fable thinggi..) with thick thick fabric, so that sunlight will not be able to penetrate. and with this, the prince thinks that he will be able to keep his fairy with him forever and they do not need to be separated again.

So when the fairy visited the next night, the prince was exceptionally happy.
And when dawn strikes, the prince looked on with apprehension, but thinking that it has pulled off... until one tiny seam of line broke through a tiny seam in the tent.

The fairy was horrified at what the prince had done. And she vanished along with the light and never returned again. The prince lived with regret for the rest of his life (or something like that..)

Must try to find that story, though I can't even recall the name. But a beautifully water-coloured illustrated book I remembered cuz i recall the vivid splashes of blues and orange.

So I am like the prince who wishes to stop time with every means possible, yet knowing that I can never outwit time..

So here I wait, impatiently, endless for your next return. Just don't vanish for too long..
And when dawn breaks tomorrow, I have to face the loneliness and the challenges that the daylight brings.
AND wishing every minute that you are still with me...