Kia - Si

I did something totally outta character the other day.

I thought the Rooster (Baby En's Chinese horoscope) clash with the 太岁 this year (i.e. all the bad things will happen), and went to temple to pray for the evil things to go away.

End up the rooster never clash with 太岁 this year! Wrong info feed. But the Chinese chart instead, indicated that there are a lot of bad stars for the Rooster this year. So the lady suggested I pray for each of the bad star to drive them away.

So 30 bucks flew outta my wallet. Now, we practise a religion that believe strongly in Karma and the importance of working oneself to reach the state of Nirvana. And a lot of such superstitions do not apply to us, after all, half are determined by one's Karma and the other by one's efforts in practicing the religion.

So I did the totally irrational thing by doing this in the temple for Baby En. For one, it is not our religion. For another, I already know the importance of Karma in our lives, well that is our faith and I strongly believe in it.

So why would i do such a thing - I concluded that I Kia- si (afraid of death). Fear is a powerful thing, and in this case, I rather play it safe for the kids. Now I can't imagine my life without my kids.

And it made me think how I will need to rationalise my relationship with the kids. It is like I always thought we should be prepared that the boys will leave us for other things one day. It is only a matter of time. But it seems that I may end up a clingy mum still.. which I will hate myself to be.

Kids are really strange stuff.. I am not a very maternal person, but still kids motivate me to do quite a fair bit of things. It is almost like having kids make you want to be a better person for them. Something like when one first started falling in love, stretching oneself with the desire to do all kinds of stuff for the babies.

So I find myself falling in love again, with my babies, but with this comes fear as well. Much like in a relationship, the fear of loss. And I need to know how to cope with such feelings. I am still searching.. this month's Simply Her has an article on Strong Women who cope with loss of their kids, I am stalling to read it, cuz these days, such articles made me weep. I was reading about how a mum cope with her Down kid some time back and ended up crying, it is almost as if I can feel the pain and anguish.

Again, I think parenthood and a parent's love for his/ her child is universal and it transcends all the boundaries that divide the human race. And until one becomes a parent, one cannot empathise with some of those feelings. It is almost as of becoming parents opens up another world, one which we will have much to learn about and to adjust to. Parenthood is challenging, but I think we will all come out stronger for that. This, I believe.