Wondering... about marriage.

This is probably the darkest entry I have thought of writing to date..
Sometimes, the hectic-ness of being a parent, a worker, a spouse and all just passes us by.. till something kinda knock us on the head, and we start wondering..

It is like waking up from a dream, or coming to the end of the road, and have us wondering how we ended up where we are.

Being parents does that to us a lot, I think. And being married beyond 3 years also does that to us I think.

It is like this constant state of "the present" just sweeps us along, and blinds us to it.
Till we are jolted awake by some incident, usually unpleasant, and we wonder if we are part of this iceberg that keeps snowballing/ freezing without us realising it till it has become huge. And we start thinking. and WONDER-ing..

about this something that is so now huge that what has gone into its building is unknown, or is forgotten. But the end result is there - this big mountain of an obstacle.

I am feeling something like that now.

When an iceberg gets that huge, you feel that you cannot undo the past - all those little freezing that has gone into building this huge obstacle.

After all, the chinese saying puts it very aptly, 冰冻三尺, 非一日之寒. We probably can't remember what has happened along the way, but we have the results of it slowly accumulating..

And now, what can we do when we have this realisation?
I can't undo the past, and i can't move forward with this baggage.
Because it will be a difficult journey. All these unpleasantness weighing us down. And also because we are collapsing under the weight, and I don't think we can hold out till the end.

As I was thinking about this, I vaguely remember something someone told me before, some Very Very Long ago. And now it is all beginning to make sense.

" I choose to live, because death is too painful. But living is not without its pain, because you know the path forward is difficult and full of pain too, as you have already started doubting if happiness ever exist for you."

Doubts are powerful stuff. They make everything appear unreal. They make one unsure. And worst of all, it makes one lose hope and feel like giving up.

Marriage after kids is hard. No doubts about it.
Sometimes I feel like I exist in this marriage without paying attention to it, without realising it and without caring for it.

We hardly have time to stop and think. And when we do, like I am now, it is almost always bad stuff. Thinking about it wont make it better. We don't have the time, nor the energy nor effort to make it better.

Seriously, it takes a lot of hard work. And realistically, our current lives have not time for it.
Is lack of time an excuse? Sounds a lot like it, but it is also the reality.

I am beginning to understand why it is possible for marriages to fall apart after kids. And why people start getting tired of their partners, or get to the point of not being able to tolerate their partner. Maybe because other things have become more important than the partner, such as the daily rigour and frustration that come with kids/ work and stuff.

It is like one always live life as it is, to suddenly realise everything has changed.
Some things have changed without you realising. People and their emotions have changed,. We ourselves have changed. The way we do things and deal with things have changed.

And the gap causes conflict and dissatisfaction. But this gap is made up of so many many things that may have happened in the past, and making one wonder how to fill it up.

Most of the time, it is easier to just ignore it and move on.
After all, we can just persist in staying with the current unpleasant moment.

Then, the problem is not solved or resolved. that unpleasant moment just get frozen, and goes into the formation of this iceberg.

I am facing this ice berg. and wondering.
I can light set it afire, and burn all the past away. But we will burn ourselves in the process.

I can continue freezing, till I reach a stage when I am even more numbed about it.
It feels like it is too much to get past... and yet too tiring for one to deal with it.

And so, we let the iceberg continue drifting....

有时, 不是你做得多, 我做得少, 就够了
没有在一起的意义, 或享受在一起的过程, 还是走不到很远
你我都达不到我们所要的
但, 什么都不做, 可以吗?
做的都是为你我之外的人, 忽列了我们.

可能我太笨, 不能把你所做的, 看成爱的体现.