About Coping, and En's memory

I am happier, transiently, as I am planning another trip to BJ. Before I can't travel any more.
Before I am completely shackled and rendered helpless by the pregnancy.

However, at the back of my mind, i know it will be worst when I come back.
Missing is like an addiction..
You know it is bad for you, but you keep craving it, and finally give in to indulge in it, only to come out suffering worst withdrawal symptoms for it.

However, I am not sure if I should bring En along for this trip, or revel in couple time and to take a break from the kids, probably the last one before Baby 3 arrives and I am completely shackled to them..

En wants to go, and I know hubby is missing the kids a lot.
I have 3 more hrs to book a 2 to go promotion on SQ. I am still undecided. But well, I think it will become clearer later, somehow..

Many people have asked abt how I cope. Without the husband and with another kid.

I think the situation necessitates what needs to be done.
Like now, I am still waking every night to tend to En, but I feel less resentful about it.

I cope by talking to husband for a few times a day.. though I think this will ease off after a while.
Something like having an overdose of something, and then you get sick of it after a while.

I also cope by immersing myself in work while at work, with the kids in the evenings, and I hope in time to come, I will manage to find some time out to be able to do things on my own or with friends in the evening to ease the loneliness.

Most importantly, I cope by relying on others, my mum, melanie, parents in law. In times like this, what i can accomplish is very insignificant. What others can chip in helps a lot.

And i am trying to adapt to imperfection.
There are fundamentals that I can't compromise, like discipline and routine of the kids (with no 3 on the way, these 2 become even more important for sanity of life).

For the rest, I am learning still, and am trying to let go.
I try to be less anxious about how baby is doing in my womb, whether I am resting enough.. whether I am eating balanced meal, absorbing enough minerals etc etc..

In the past when I did not work while I was pregnant, I did all the necessary. I listen to music, I drink lots of water, juices, I watch to make sure i am eating the right food to get all the calcium, etc etc.. Now with work, kids and all, I simply do not have the luxury to monitor all these.
i just have to adapt to the realities of imperfection. And try to eat all the healthy food that my mum prepares and eat lots of fruits and take the awful vitamin pill that will help to fill in all the gaps. And i begun to believe that going forwards, listening to pop may be good for babies too, given all the focus on youth bands, inde music etc. :)

That makes me less guilty, and less anxious and less paranoid. Of course the anxiety attack still strike. In which I will look at the paragraphs in the books which reassure mums that they are doing a good job.

That has to be enough for now..
As for the missing, there are not many ways to cope with that. I can only tell myself tat maybe time will really go very fast and await the surprises that a long distance relationship brings.

En and Apple

Every night, after I read En his stories, I will wait for him to fall asleep in his room.
While waiting, I will surf the web or play online mahjong.

Today, I forgot to being my laptop to my room, and

En asked:"Where is your computer?"
I said: "Oh yes, where is it?"
He said: "The white one, the apple one? That is papa's one?"
And I asked: "Where is mummy's one?"
He said: "The black one? I dunno."

I am just surprised that the little boy knows about Apple product! He recognises hubby's laptop as "the apple one". I really dunno where kids get these information from sometimes.

An on Saturday, when we came home from his hair cut, he suddenly told me that we went in a "blue one" and "come home in a red one", referring to the colours of the taxis. I so did not even notice.

Kids are just amazing.. At least En's memory and cognition always amaze me, especially when a lot of people always tell me that kids at this age do not remember anything.. I really wonder, don't you?