何时团圆 - 但愿人长久

Today is Mooncake Festival, but as usual, it rained again.
Last year, when we first moved in, we had planned on a cosy gathering out by the deck, drinking tea and eating moon cakes, under the bright gleaming moon. And it rained.

This year, our last year here, again, we do not have this opportunity, not only because it rained, but because there is no 团圆.

I dunno since when I have begun associating 中秋节 with reunion of loved ones.
Maybe it is cuz of the moon. 月圆人团圆
Maybe it is cuz of lonely 嫦兒 (dunno why my chinese selection don't ve the right words for this)

And this year, maybe I am the pathetic 嫦兒... alone on my planet.

The past week has been a nightmare..
In the space of 4 days, I have been to 4 clinics
- baby's 5 mth scan
- Xuan's final vaccination for PD
- En's consultation for his coughing and running nose
- En's second consultation for incessant coughing and running nose

Between that, I brought En to cut his hair, and Xuan to his playgroup, and bought mooncakes for families and close ones..
The only thing I failed to do was to get a birthday present for my dad..

En and his battle with sickness
All these were accomplished amidst work, and sleepless nites.
I kid u not, I have had sleepless nites as every night for the past 4 nites, as En would wake me up with either his crying, whining or his coughing.

Before I knew of his condition, which was finally diagnosed as having rhino-allergy/ childhood asthma, triggered by allergens such as dust mites, etc, for the first nite, I was practically screaming at him to stop his nonsense of "coughing, cannot sleep, mosquito bites, something in his ear" etc etc..

I was dying to catch some sleep while En was just as determined not to let me. He refused to sleep unless I stayed in his room to pat him to sleep. And every time that he woke up in the middle of the night, numerous times, I had to repeat the routine. By the 5th time at 4 am, I ran out of patience and was ready to strangle him. Literally. Really. Seriously.

However, when the doc described to me all the symptoms that En displayed for the allergy, i feel guilty as hell. What a monster of a mother En must think I am.

Of course, some of his complaints were for naught, e.g. mozzie bites, something in his ear etc (it was all cuz of his long hair poking into his ear!). Still, the bottom line was he was un-well, and I was too self centered to give more empathy.

Of course, thru it all, I blasted all of my frustration on the far-away Papa.
I have a major problem with going back to sleep once I am awaken. That is why the initial months of hvaing a new baby is pure hell for me with all the breastfeeding etc.

The migraines I suffered were hell. And when I do not get un-interrupted sleep (and it is not the no. of hrs cuz I was trained by my job to function on as little as 3 hrs sleep and still do presentations), I get these tormenting migraines.

Now that I am pregnant, I am emotionally affected as well as I worry that baby is unwell from my lack of smooth sleep. And i can't take too much coffee/ any medication to alleviate those horrible pains.

So i was taking it really badly. And it did not help that Xuan was cranky from his jab, and En was cranky from his medication. It was a perfect, ultimate weekend from hell for me these past few days.

The only saving grace was I took it much better with En when he woke me subsequently, and just resigned to fate that I have to pat him back to sleep and tried to function despite the interrupted sleep.

Xuan and his Heady Falls
And I was really irritated and affected by the 2 major falls on his head that Xuan had, in the space of the same 4 days. It all started when Hubby tried to help by asking Melanie to swap Xuan into our connecting room so I can have uninterrupted sleep, and for Melanie to tend to En.

But our friend refused to be taken out of his comfort zone and resorted to climbing out of his playpen. And ended up falling right on his head over the ledge of his playpen. Since young, poor Xuan has been a chronic victim of head falls. He fell from chair, from sofa, from leaning backwards while he was seated on the floor, from slipping on the floor, from running, and just today, from falling backwards off his truck.

And I am worried that these head knocks, each time, will damage his brain, and we always had to worriedly watch for signs of head damage such as vomiting etc etc. Not to mention the incessant worry that his intellect will be severely impaired, perhaps, accounting for his relatively late speech development.

Me - the psychotic dual parent
So I was immensely frustrated. And i had no 'me-time' for the entire week.
I am also beginning to suspect that I will be shackled to my guilt for needing to play dual-parent to the kids to have any "me time" for bookshops or movies or shopping.

For all my trauma-drama with the kids, illnesses, I get a bouquet of flowers delivered..
It is sweet gesture of support from husband.. but well, like I said, it is very hard to empathise or even to begin to imagine what I am going through despite my very colourful description of how I feel and what happened.

What were communicated remained the highlights, the nuances usually do not come through fully. And i realise parenting for young kids is really best done with 2 parents. I suppose, it did not take 2 to create a life for nothing. The same 2 persons are equally responsible for the kid.

When we planned on hubby being away, we knew the challenges. I know it will be tough for me especially, and lots of inconvenience that will test my impatience and my strive for efficiencies. However, what we really forgot to factor in our forecasting was the kids falling ill.

Any parent can attest to the challenging times when a kid falls ill. And En fell ill, and then got worst despite the medication and the right diagnosis. he was coughing so incessantly that I considered taking him to the A&E today.. if I had not managed to get hold of another PD.

And illness in kids breeds mis-behavior, and En was on the naughty seat for so many, many times during the weekend as he was really difficult. I suppose the fact that he was feeling quite well (except at night when the allergy symptoms set in more) did not make it any easier, for he became a really challenging boy in the day, under the influence of the drugs.

I am physically and emotionally drained from having to carry out the discipline. Hence, I feel that dual parents make the most efficient team. When I am the only one to dish out the discipline, as well as being the nurturing and loving mum (the stories before bedtime, the play time nurturing and all), I feel i was really quite psychotic.

And it takes a while for us to revert from the disciplinarian to the loving mum to the fun and spontaneous mum. It is psychotic really.

In any case.. I can only hope En gets well, though I think the psychotic role play of a single parent will have to continue I am sure.. but at least i will get my un-interrupted sleep that will help me cope better.

And through it all, sometimes I wonder what hubby is doing.
Who is he sharing the lovely moon with? Who is he reunion-ing with?
Is he having an easier time there?
I read Ah Bob's blog, and realised that being away from the kids is tough as well, but being the one who is on this side of the track, it is hard to fathom which is harder really.. especially from the backlash of the last 4 days.

See, we are already divided.. In a space of less than a month, it has become You versus Me across this space..

At times I am resentful and frustrated.
Then many more times, I hate myself for being so small-hearted and less strong.
And in the dark of the night, like now, I feel sadness, lovesickness, insecurity, jealousy all rolled into one.

I supposed it is normal to feel this way.
I just hope all these challenges does not dilute the core. After all, it is really very hard to feel empathy when we are so far apart, living in different worlds. I am quite a empathetic being. And when I say i cannot empathise, then it means I think we are really far away. It is still natural after all I think. The challenge lies in bridging this gap:

You in your novel, intellectual realm of learning and discovery with new people from all walks from life and novel experiences.

and Me in this rut of weekly household routines, errands, and mucking out with the boys day in and out.

At the moment, I just want some peaceful and sane days. Though looking at my calendar schedule for next week, even that hopes seems like reaching out to touch the moon...