The Kissing Game

I was reading to Xuan earlier before he goes to sleep, and we ended up playing the kissing game.
I used to wonder how kids know how to show affection, such as kissing, hugging etc

With En, he learnt it at the nanny's place.
So we are probably not the first people he kissed...

With Xuan, earlier, i was hugging him and then kissing him.
Then he giggled, and I kissed him in his lips again.
He started laughing gaily.

And when I say "Kiss kiss Xuan xuan" he will put his face forward and kiss me on the lips.
Sweet...

perhaps, children understand affection at a more spontaneous level than we adults do.
And are less inhibited in expressing their affection, when the are younger.

Enjoy this stage I must, before they become self conscious and learn the rules of behavior in society..

My mum told me that Xuan Xuan was calling "ma-mee" "Ma-mee" in the afternoon.
But so far, I have not heard him call me so...

I will leave tomorrow and not see Xuan for 1.5 weeks. I hope his still remembers this kissing game when I come back...

Lots of hugs and kisses Xuan!

Many faces of Xuan Xuan

Over the weekend, I cut Xuan Xuan's hair, the Do-It-Myself style.
And I realise how big he has grown..
When we took pics of his before and after..

Xuan with his water bottle]



















The outdoor boy
He really loves to be at the outdoors, especially to aggravate Momo..
He would call to Momo and when Momo ran to him, He would run screaming..


























































Xuan in a Box
He likes to seat himself in the ega block box..
]


















Xuan likes to play ball



















And finally, the Hair Cut

Time, you spin it so fast for the kids...

Babies do grow up fast...
It has been a really hectic week, and I have to wk some late nights this week. Just between not seeing the kids for some nights this week, i have one of those moments when I feel as if En has grown overnight in my absence.

My mum told me that En told her that he had not seen me for 2 nights already, that I have not read and pat him to bed for 2 nights..

He can Count!
And i feel bad. I feel that the days of my working career seems short-lived.. In the past when I travel, and work late nights, the kids do not have cognitive understanding of time, and they do not recognise my short absence.

Now, I feel the pressure to be here for them, and a tad guilty that En has to miss me.

Child-ly reminders!
Over dinner tonight, we talked about the upcoming concert on 25 Oct. I was asking him what he will be performing in the graduation concert for the K2s (where the rest of the kids are encouraged to take part and have a role to play).

When I asked him that, he mumbled something..
I asked him again, and the same muffled reply came, but it sounds something like "birthday"... which is hard to fathom how it is related to the concert.
Again, I asked him the question- what he would be doing for the concert, and the reply was still "birthday".

The it struck me, the day after the concert, on 26 Oct is really his birthday! It really slipped my mind - that in a month's time, he will be 3!

I wonder if he really knows that the concert is a day before his birthday, someone probably told him or reminded him. And he reminded me.

And when i absent-mindedly put his spoon for sharing my food resting on a plate of chilli sauce, he told me "Mummy, can you no put my spoon on the chilli, spicy spicy.."

During times like this, I feel that my baby has grown.
Grown almost overnight.
I am constantly astonished by his increasingly cognition of what is happening in this world.
Maybe because I feel that he is still a toddler, who should still be naive and innocent of many things.

His awareness amazed me.. maybe I am not prepared, or I have not really thought about how kids have grown.

And i feel very blessed to witness such moments. To be here for him as he grows more cognizant of the world around him.

It is one of the many rewards of motherhood.

Good to be Home...& Fengshui

I am so happy to be back in Singapore after 2 days in KL.
I was lovesick and homesick in KL. But it allowed me a good night break from the kids where I am able to have a restful sleep.

I also had a productive day today topping up grocery, visiting the banks to sort out the banking matters, and bringing Xuan or his class where he had an enjoyable time doing his water play for this week.

All in all, rather productive, and best of all, I bought my ticket to Beijing.

It was a dilemna to bring the kids or not.
This is probably the last time I can spend quality time alone with hubby, and i am feeling selfish about it. After all, come next yr, I will have 24/7 days of being with the 3 kids.

Yet at the same time, I know hubby miss the kids a lot and will like to see En at least.
It was a tough decision to make, not withstanding the fact whether I can cope with en alone on the way in and out..

I really want to be selfish this time. And it is so hard a decision to make, which accounts for the delay in getting the tickets as I am still not sure if it is the right thing to do.

And I hope the kids understand.
I am sorry, boys.
But I hope you will grow up to understand and appreciate the trade offs that parents make for their kids, for you.

Quality parent times are important I think.. and it is rare that parents have private time away from kids.. It is not that you boys are not important to us. Just as I spend quality each day with each of you, I also need to spend time with papa.. and also with myself..

And because, you are so important to us, we, as parents feel the responsibility to build a strong, resilient and enduring relationship so that we have a wholesome family. 保贝, 对不起

********************************************
On my flight in and out of KL, I also had time to read about the Dragon's outlook for next year from Lilian Too's book. I am a fan ever since a friend gave me a copy in one of my worst down and out year. And i find some truism in her predictions through the years.

In any case, it is good to know that Rabbit hubby is a compatible companion for me, and I just realise the 2 little boys are already the secret friends for hubby and myself.

En, the rooster is my secret friend who will help weather the obstacles and we are good for each other when we come together.

Xuan the dog is good for hubby, both of whom are beneficial for each other.

So rightfully, we are good.. although the rabbit horoscope states that having a kid next year will be beneficial for the Rabbit. And if I have a baby Rat, it will be beneficial for the dragon..

So here it is, extracted from Lillian Too's book. For other Dragon, Rabbit couples!

Dragon with Rabbit
Outstanding Continuity and Success Luck

These two will have few problems building a nest together as they have a natural preference for the same things. They have similar tastes and like the same style. They also have an ability to work well together and although they sometimes see an occasional disagreement, generally, this is a peaceful match which brings happiness to both. The Dragon is a dominating kind of person and the rabbit accepts this, and is in fact attracted to it. Hence, there are few ego problems here. Neither are the seriously competitive type when it comes to their loved ones. In fact they are very supportive of each other and look outside the relationship to assuage their ego. As a couple their aspiration for success is complementary rather than competitive. So this is a relationship that does not get split by egos clashing. Rabbit has no problems creating a stable relationship with dragon as they are both able to see the big picture and instinctively work towards achieving results they both desire. This characteristic makes an excellent basis to create something sound and lasting together.

When it comes to forging an united front to withstand troublemakers from outside trying to upset their equilibrium, this pair is also very on the ball. Their loyalty to one another is admirable, is the secret of their resilience and also their happiness. The Dragon can fly as high or as far as he/ she wishes, and the Rabbit will always be around to offer a helping hand.

Couples in their thirties enjoy a great year where opportunities flourish. Dragon is riding high and the rabbit is the wind beneath dragon's wings. there could also be times during the year when rabbit makes some outstanding sacrifices for dragon.

About Coping, and En's memory

I am happier, transiently, as I am planning another trip to BJ. Before I can't travel any more.
Before I am completely shackled and rendered helpless by the pregnancy.

However, at the back of my mind, i know it will be worst when I come back.
Missing is like an addiction..
You know it is bad for you, but you keep craving it, and finally give in to indulge in it, only to come out suffering worst withdrawal symptoms for it.

However, I am not sure if I should bring En along for this trip, or revel in couple time and to take a break from the kids, probably the last one before Baby 3 arrives and I am completely shackled to them..

En wants to go, and I know hubby is missing the kids a lot.
I have 3 more hrs to book a 2 to go promotion on SQ. I am still undecided. But well, I think it will become clearer later, somehow..

Many people have asked abt how I cope. Without the husband and with another kid.

I think the situation necessitates what needs to be done.
Like now, I am still waking every night to tend to En, but I feel less resentful about it.

I cope by talking to husband for a few times a day.. though I think this will ease off after a while.
Something like having an overdose of something, and then you get sick of it after a while.

I also cope by immersing myself in work while at work, with the kids in the evenings, and I hope in time to come, I will manage to find some time out to be able to do things on my own or with friends in the evening to ease the loneliness.

Most importantly, I cope by relying on others, my mum, melanie, parents in law. In times like this, what i can accomplish is very insignificant. What others can chip in helps a lot.

And i am trying to adapt to imperfection.
There are fundamentals that I can't compromise, like discipline and routine of the kids (with no 3 on the way, these 2 become even more important for sanity of life).

For the rest, I am learning still, and am trying to let go.
I try to be less anxious about how baby is doing in my womb, whether I am resting enough.. whether I am eating balanced meal, absorbing enough minerals etc etc..

In the past when I did not work while I was pregnant, I did all the necessary. I listen to music, I drink lots of water, juices, I watch to make sure i am eating the right food to get all the calcium, etc etc.. Now with work, kids and all, I simply do not have the luxury to monitor all these.
i just have to adapt to the realities of imperfection. And try to eat all the healthy food that my mum prepares and eat lots of fruits and take the awful vitamin pill that will help to fill in all the gaps. And i begun to believe that going forwards, listening to pop may be good for babies too, given all the focus on youth bands, inde music etc. :)

That makes me less guilty, and less anxious and less paranoid. Of course the anxiety attack still strike. In which I will look at the paragraphs in the books which reassure mums that they are doing a good job.

That has to be enough for now..
As for the missing, there are not many ways to cope with that. I can only tell myself tat maybe time will really go very fast and await the surprises that a long distance relationship brings.

En and Apple

Every night, after I read En his stories, I will wait for him to fall asleep in his room.
While waiting, I will surf the web or play online mahjong.

Today, I forgot to being my laptop to my room, and

En asked:"Where is your computer?"
I said: "Oh yes, where is it?"
He said: "The white one, the apple one? That is papa's one?"
And I asked: "Where is mummy's one?"
He said: "The black one? I dunno."

I am just surprised that the little boy knows about Apple product! He recognises hubby's laptop as "the apple one". I really dunno where kids get these information from sometimes.

An on Saturday, when we came home from his hair cut, he suddenly told me that we went in a "blue one" and "come home in a red one", referring to the colours of the taxis. I so did not even notice.

Kids are just amazing.. At least En's memory and cognition always amaze me, especially when a lot of people always tell me that kids at this age do not remember anything.. I really wonder, don't you?

何时团圆 - 但愿人长久

Today is Mooncake Festival, but as usual, it rained again.
Last year, when we first moved in, we had planned on a cosy gathering out by the deck, drinking tea and eating moon cakes, under the bright gleaming moon. And it rained.

This year, our last year here, again, we do not have this opportunity, not only because it rained, but because there is no 团圆.

I dunno since when I have begun associating 中秋节 with reunion of loved ones.
Maybe it is cuz of the moon. 月圆人团圆
Maybe it is cuz of lonely 嫦兒 (dunno why my chinese selection don't ve the right words for this)

And this year, maybe I am the pathetic 嫦兒... alone on my planet.

The past week has been a nightmare..
In the space of 4 days, I have been to 4 clinics
- baby's 5 mth scan
- Xuan's final vaccination for PD
- En's consultation for his coughing and running nose
- En's second consultation for incessant coughing and running nose

Between that, I brought En to cut his hair, and Xuan to his playgroup, and bought mooncakes for families and close ones..
The only thing I failed to do was to get a birthday present for my dad..

En and his battle with sickness
All these were accomplished amidst work, and sleepless nites.
I kid u not, I have had sleepless nites as every night for the past 4 nites, as En would wake me up with either his crying, whining or his coughing.

Before I knew of his condition, which was finally diagnosed as having rhino-allergy/ childhood asthma, triggered by allergens such as dust mites, etc, for the first nite, I was practically screaming at him to stop his nonsense of "coughing, cannot sleep, mosquito bites, something in his ear" etc etc..

I was dying to catch some sleep while En was just as determined not to let me. He refused to sleep unless I stayed in his room to pat him to sleep. And every time that he woke up in the middle of the night, numerous times, I had to repeat the routine. By the 5th time at 4 am, I ran out of patience and was ready to strangle him. Literally. Really. Seriously.

However, when the doc described to me all the symptoms that En displayed for the allergy, i feel guilty as hell. What a monster of a mother En must think I am.

Of course, some of his complaints were for naught, e.g. mozzie bites, something in his ear etc (it was all cuz of his long hair poking into his ear!). Still, the bottom line was he was un-well, and I was too self centered to give more empathy.

Of course, thru it all, I blasted all of my frustration on the far-away Papa.
I have a major problem with going back to sleep once I am awaken. That is why the initial months of hvaing a new baby is pure hell for me with all the breastfeeding etc.

The migraines I suffered were hell. And when I do not get un-interrupted sleep (and it is not the no. of hrs cuz I was trained by my job to function on as little as 3 hrs sleep and still do presentations), I get these tormenting migraines.

Now that I am pregnant, I am emotionally affected as well as I worry that baby is unwell from my lack of smooth sleep. And i can't take too much coffee/ any medication to alleviate those horrible pains.

So i was taking it really badly. And it did not help that Xuan was cranky from his jab, and En was cranky from his medication. It was a perfect, ultimate weekend from hell for me these past few days.

The only saving grace was I took it much better with En when he woke me subsequently, and just resigned to fate that I have to pat him back to sleep and tried to function despite the interrupted sleep.

Xuan and his Heady Falls
And I was really irritated and affected by the 2 major falls on his head that Xuan had, in the space of the same 4 days. It all started when Hubby tried to help by asking Melanie to swap Xuan into our connecting room so I can have uninterrupted sleep, and for Melanie to tend to En.

But our friend refused to be taken out of his comfort zone and resorted to climbing out of his playpen. And ended up falling right on his head over the ledge of his playpen. Since young, poor Xuan has been a chronic victim of head falls. He fell from chair, from sofa, from leaning backwards while he was seated on the floor, from slipping on the floor, from running, and just today, from falling backwards off his truck.

And I am worried that these head knocks, each time, will damage his brain, and we always had to worriedly watch for signs of head damage such as vomiting etc etc. Not to mention the incessant worry that his intellect will be severely impaired, perhaps, accounting for his relatively late speech development.

Me - the psychotic dual parent
So I was immensely frustrated. And i had no 'me-time' for the entire week.
I am also beginning to suspect that I will be shackled to my guilt for needing to play dual-parent to the kids to have any "me time" for bookshops or movies or shopping.

For all my trauma-drama with the kids, illnesses, I get a bouquet of flowers delivered..
It is sweet gesture of support from husband.. but well, like I said, it is very hard to empathise or even to begin to imagine what I am going through despite my very colourful description of how I feel and what happened.

What were communicated remained the highlights, the nuances usually do not come through fully. And i realise parenting for young kids is really best done with 2 parents. I suppose, it did not take 2 to create a life for nothing. The same 2 persons are equally responsible for the kid.

When we planned on hubby being away, we knew the challenges. I know it will be tough for me especially, and lots of inconvenience that will test my impatience and my strive for efficiencies. However, what we really forgot to factor in our forecasting was the kids falling ill.

Any parent can attest to the challenging times when a kid falls ill. And En fell ill, and then got worst despite the medication and the right diagnosis. he was coughing so incessantly that I considered taking him to the A&E today.. if I had not managed to get hold of another PD.

And illness in kids breeds mis-behavior, and En was on the naughty seat for so many, many times during the weekend as he was really difficult. I suppose the fact that he was feeling quite well (except at night when the allergy symptoms set in more) did not make it any easier, for he became a really challenging boy in the day, under the influence of the drugs.

I am physically and emotionally drained from having to carry out the discipline. Hence, I feel that dual parents make the most efficient team. When I am the only one to dish out the discipline, as well as being the nurturing and loving mum (the stories before bedtime, the play time nurturing and all), I feel i was really quite psychotic.

And it takes a while for us to revert from the disciplinarian to the loving mum to the fun and spontaneous mum. It is psychotic really.

In any case.. I can only hope En gets well, though I think the psychotic role play of a single parent will have to continue I am sure.. but at least i will get my un-interrupted sleep that will help me cope better.

And through it all, sometimes I wonder what hubby is doing.
Who is he sharing the lovely moon with? Who is he reunion-ing with?
Is he having an easier time there?
I read Ah Bob's blog, and realised that being away from the kids is tough as well, but being the one who is on this side of the track, it is hard to fathom which is harder really.. especially from the backlash of the last 4 days.

See, we are already divided.. In a space of less than a month, it has become You versus Me across this space..

At times I am resentful and frustrated.
Then many more times, I hate myself for being so small-hearted and less strong.
And in the dark of the night, like now, I feel sadness, lovesickness, insecurity, jealousy all rolled into one.

I supposed it is normal to feel this way.
I just hope all these challenges does not dilute the core. After all, it is really very hard to feel empathy when we are so far apart, living in different worlds. I am quite a empathetic being. And when I say i cannot empathise, then it means I think we are really far away. It is still natural after all I think. The challenge lies in bridging this gap:

You in your novel, intellectual realm of learning and discovery with new people from all walks from life and novel experiences.

and Me in this rut of weekly household routines, errands, and mucking out with the boys day in and out.

At the moment, I just want some peaceful and sane days. Though looking at my calendar schedule for next week, even that hopes seems like reaching out to touch the moon...

都是陌生人

走在黄昏的城市里, 我是寂寞的
看着他人忙碌的步伐, 好象在赶着什么
是急着去见心爱的人, 去会友人, 还是有什么精彩的节目?

我的步伐是缓慢的.
心想回家见孩子, 但又没那么急
因为孩子睡了后, 我又是与寂寞为伴

这几天里, 收了很多简讯, 电邮..
大家寄来的心意都让我感到温馨
约去打牌, 逛街,和茶杯, 玩游戏 都是我爱的
好久没见或联络的朋友, 也如雪中送炭, 又在联络了

我该感恩吧,有亲友, 有小孩
但挥不去的, 是那重重的愁绪
象秋天的迷雾, 笼罩着我

我把自己的一部分, 搁在你那里
你又把什么放在我这里?
时间长了, 就会习惯吗?
我是熬了多久, 还不到一个星期...














很多思念, 是被每日的繁琐掩盖着
不知繁琐久了, 是不是就会变成如陌生朋友一样
泪根也会麻木, 不再唯你而活动

距离让我变成你生活里的陌生人
我努力的探索着你生活的点滴
不想错过里头的精彩
但距离让那变成一种很累的事

我也努力的让你感受这里的动静
但没说的比说了的还多
日子久了,
说的是艘船
但没说的是那个海洋...

我们各自乘坐着船
去认识比此的世界, 那个可能已经很陌生的世界..
在这陌生的世界里, 别的人或事, 是否会比我更重要, 更亲切, 更是你的世界?

Long days...

While it has only been 4 days, it had seemed like a very long time..

Of course it did not helped that En has gone back to is extremely irritable self over the weekend and has been extremely trying on all our nerves, with his constant harassing of Xuan Xuan, and whining and crying.

That kept me rather busy and irritable..
Then there are tonnes of tasks to look into: shopping for grocery, having the leaking tap fixed, getting new mattress for Xuan Xuan etc ..

Over the weekend, in between my bouts of screaming at En and Xuan, I managed to bring the kids to the Botanic Gardens to feed fish and tortoises, which amused the boys much.. I even managed to have a facial while the boys are taking their afternoon nap. So all in all quite efficient, but somehow, it feels empty still.

By yesterday evening, the boys seemed back to normalcy.. even En is back to his amicable self. I think it is the medication for his flu making him sleepy and irritable and difficult.

And as planned, I also started reading to Xuan Xuan before his naptime. Hubby said that we ought to start Xuan on the reading habit –he used to just change into his pyjamas and cuddle up to his milk bottle and will drop off to sleep on his own..

So I started reading to him on Sunday after changing into his pyjamas, and yesterday, he really enjoyed the Sliding Monkey book, it ended up as a bit of over stimulation as he really got into locating the missing monkey, so much so that he was crying out ‘Key- key” in his sleep. We are still trying to get Xuan to speak, but last evening he amazed us when he suddenly held up his water bottle and said “No more”. Really, so much for 一鸣惊人

And after reading to Xuan, En and I watched the Superband contest and then I read him his books and then put him to bed.

Then it is the loneliness again. And it does not help that our laptop adaptor is damaged, so we can’t even skype much. So I need to figure out how to have the adaptor fixed.

We used to enjoy putting the kids to bed early, so that we have time for ourselves. Be it the movies, or watching DVDs, or going to the bookshop, or even walking momo or going out for an ice cream.

I kinda never realize we spend quite a lot of time together, despite all the errands we need to do, and the time spent with the kids. Now that I am alone, then I realize there are a lot of things that we do together, which seems meaningless to be done alone.

Increasingly, it also seemed like we are worlds apart.
One cannot really empathise with what the other is doing miles away.
And when one needs help, the other feels helpless miles away as well..
Complete - is when we are together. I am really beginning to feel it.

Missing the place..

It was an uneventful night.. Not that i am keen on much sleep, but En has been exceptionally difficult and he kept waking up a night, moaning and whining...

A first Saturday without hubby is strange... no one asked me what we are gonna do today..
No one to suggest lunch places or things to do..
I am alone. Reality bites. It feels unreal to be alone..

Of course the 2 boys kept me busy enough.. from breaking up fights, to distracting them from dangerous or irritating deeds..

And I have time to edit the photos we took in BJ.. I did not take a lot of photos.. it was not so much a sight seeing trip.. Most of the pictures I took are about our new place, to show the kids, to reassure our parents that the place we are bringing the baby and the tods is decent and very civilised.

Here it is.. NJ's new home from today, and our home to be in 6 mths time.. 中关村 - 大河庄苑
The neighborhood is 中关村 much like an IT SOHO hub, and the estate is called 大河庄苑.

Here is the estate picture.. We moved to a nearby hotel in day 2 so that we are able to view more units within the estate more intensively. And also to know the neighborhood better.
Manage to find this write up about the area and estate from the net to go with it..

"关村商务精英生活特区"

“紫金长河”位于北京市海淀区苏州街3号中关村科技园区核心位置，上风上水，资源丰沛；项目北临北京大学、清华大学、圆明园，东为苏州街临中 国科学院，与海淀图书城隔街相望，西与颐和园、北京西山风景区遥遥相对。具有良好的人文环境，是工作和生活的理想场所。信步向南，只近千米的位置便是百年 名人辈出的中国最高学府— 北京大学，四季清风，洗去喧嚣污浊。
　　

大河庄苑项目是集居住和办公于一起的综合性小区，整体功能划分合理，包括八栋住宅楼、一栋办公楼。居住区建筑容积率为2.92，小区地下车库为连通形式，地上地下共有停车位千余个。
　　

公寓部分为地下二层，地上十八层，局部为十六层的“城市景观公寓”。首层地下一层为商业、会所部分。面积集中在45平米—70多平米之间，共计503套的精致户型为追求完美的您，提供一个可完全舒展人性与灵魂的舒适空间。　　
　　

本项目周边区域生活配套非常完善，银行、邮局、医院、幼儿园、多所知名大学、家乐福超市等生活必需配套也一应俱全。

The views from the room, and within the estate..
I love the willow trees.. the lush greens is a good contrast with the bright yellow facade..





























There is a bilingual kindergarten within the estate (in faint orange circle in the left), which is really convenient. NJ's peer, who came with his son and wife, has already enrolled his son here to start on Monday. The fees are reasonable (cheaper than what we are paying in Singapore - about SGD 400 for half da school), and they offer both international classes (where the native English teacher teach for more hours) or the bilingual classes (where the native English teacher only teach for 1 hour and the rest but local teachers). I learnt from NJ's friend that the son's curriculum is focused on music, which please them very much. Seems like a good school to immerse the boys in for 6 mths for half a day.

Finally, the apartment... this is the apartment we rented..

Presenting the floor plan.. (the internet is amazing!)



















And some pictures I took..

The spacious living room, with a huge balcony that overlooks the 四合院 （those old old buildings left in China, though they are not hutong.. so I also need to check out what's the difference..)
















The view from the master bedroom, to the walkway connecting the other 2 rooms, kitchen and the other bathroom



















The kids' room.. I love the bay window.. which makes for a nice reading corner, or a jumping corner for Xuan.. The lime green wall paper and the parquet floor makes it cosy and warm for the kids..



















View from the kids's room of the estate..


















A decent, albeit dirty toilet that only need some polishing.



















A quaint kitchen that is clean and with a 3 ring stove. Best part, the cabinets are designed like our previous apartment with smart storage space..



















NJ's friend rented another unit in the same estate as well, so our kids can go to the same school, and they have playmates...

Now, you can probably understand why I am reluctant to come back?

I just need to survive through these months, take good care of my baby to make sure he is a strong and healthy baby, and we will be able to join Papa in our new home soon..

Frankly, I never thought it is easy to survive in china, esp. with kids.
But after this trip, I have hopes that I will cope..
After all, with a very live-able environment, it takes a big load of worry off my mind..

Friends.. You are welcome to visit..
We have 3 rooms, enough to cater for visitors.
We are close by to the train, 20 mins taxi ride from city centre, 40 mins ride by train from city centre, but if you want to visit the summer palace and all, then it is reachable on foot or a very short distance by train. Going to the great wall etc from our location will also half the distance there from the city, I think, if my orientation is not too far off...

I wonder what hubby is doing now..
I miss him..
You know the strangest thing..
I sometimes feel that I am like a visitor in SG, only wanting to go back to BJ with hubby.
It is ridiculous when you articulate it, but it is true.. because
Home is where the heart is.

P/S: For those who want updates from hubby, his blog is beginning to be active again. You can check him out there..

Between a Rock and a Very Hard place.. 1st baby KICK!

Just landed in SG about 3 hrs ago.. and now waiting for En to fall back into sleep, after he was awakened by whatever dream/ things he was thinking of...

Had been dreading coming back since yesterday, and the active tear ducts started since last night.. and I blame the pregnancy hormones.

But for the first time, I am not happy to board a SQ flight, not light hearted and joyful when I landed and cannot appreciate the ride along ECP back home.

I am always happy to be home.. always. I can't remember a time when I am not glad to be flying back. because coming home means seeing hubby again. and recent years, coming home means seeing the kids again. And I always love that anticipation of boarding the plane, collecting my baggage upon landing and walking out of the gates. And i especially appreciate the scenic ride home from the airport, the part of tree-lined ECP that always lifted my spirit.

But not today. I felt empty and hollow having to come back alone.
And also for the first time today, in my entire life of travelling, I actually went through the checkpoint for holders of boarding passes only to come back out again.
Cuz I have to pass the money in my wallet to hubby.. (not the drama of not wanting to say goodbye la, as some of you many be thinking..) and tat means i had to walk away from him twice, as if once is not bad enuf..

And I feel very torn, i want to stay and yet I want to come home to the kids.. i feel so ambivalent..

and while i really tried not to think abt it as leaving, (to avoid stimulating the tear ducts) somehow, for no reason, tears will fall..very strange and awkward for the strangers around me... wondering what is with this pregnant woman..

So my eyes ended up really puffy. I wonder when this - tearing for no reason/ without much apparent stimulation - will stop? The last time I had a stint like this was a couple of years back, after a rather traumatising incident, for weeks after, every night I tear, for no apparent stimulation or reason as well.. till one day it just kinda faded off as Time did its magic..

But very interestingly, from when we landed and on the ride home.. I feel baby moving.. the first kick, and then many tiny movements.

Maybe Baby knows how sad I am and is keeping me company.
maybe Baby knows I am back here so as to deliver him in an environment that we are more familiar with, and is showing empathy.

But it is interesting, because hubby was just saying some 2 days ago why Baby has not started moving yet..
Maybe Baby is reserving his first kick for a special/ much needed occasion - in this case, to offer me much comfort and joy..

Still, I wonder what I am gonna do tomorrow. usually Sat is a hectic day of 1 class with each kid, but this sat, classes are suspended as it is the Sept term break.

So I need to figure out what to do with the boys, without papa to ferry us around..
And I am wondering what Papa is doing..

Of tears and comfort..
Of loneliness and solace..
Of bleakness and anticipation..

They have all finally arrived. This is the start of life alone for a while...

The ideal house and why females are better salesperson..

 

Day 3 in BJ.. and finally saw and found our ideal apartment..

Day 2 was a nightmare..

We walked so much that I in the end, I had to buy new sandals so my feet would not be so sore and bruised. And heck the image.. I am pregnant and entitled to wearing un-glam sandals, with whatever else I have on me. 

Before I go through the house hunting saga, let me share some of our house hunting idiosyncracies.. which explains why it is so hard to find the ideal unit..

- we like clean places (obvious but cannot be taken for granted in China)

- I have shared our view on the locales that are more suitable for acclimatising..  so we figured we will like to be in the more Soho/ IT office district, with lot of tech offices and building like our Sim Lim complex, except newer, classier.. and lots of eateries for the lunch crowd and with Carrefour and Starbucks, McD, KFC, PizzaHut to make us feel like home.. 

-  We wanted greens, lots of them so that the kids can experience the beautiful changing season and for them to work out so we have easier nights!

- I wanted nice toilet bowls in the house, decent kitchen to cook and preferrably parquet flooring so that winter will be warm and it is slip proof and less of a hazard for the falling prone Xuan Xuan.

- I wanted good heating system, and aircon.. to cope with the changing season.

- I wanted a North-south facing unit, so we wont have hot summer months where we have to battle with the killing heat.

And I am ready to compromise the rest.. such as decor, condo facilities etc etc.

The imperfect...

The first unit we went to was the ideal estate. It has security guard, common estate heating which means the whole building will be heated during the winter months and nice building farcade (photos to come). Best part, it is new.. it was TOP in 2005, so it means that the plumbing and pipes are relatively new. There are lots of green, willow trees, plants and stuff, and kids play within the state throughout the day, on their bikes or toddling around.

It is fantastic. But the unit we saw was a bit small, 2 bedrm with only 1 small toilet. It will be a problem in terms of where baby will sleep. We train baby to sleep on their own from young so we technically need 3 rooms. But otherwise the house is perfect. Parquet flooring, clean and new furnishing.. the major drawbacks are the small toilet and the dingy kitchen. And the space, as I won't know where to house melanie if she comes, or if our parents come, much less any other visitor. Dun mistake me, the living room is huge, almost as big as our current one, enough to segment a play area for easel, and toy or bikes. We just need 1 more toilet and 1 more room. 

The nightmare

Then the nightmare began, when we went to the condo near the school town, near lots of cafes, small shops and very near the train station..where they have pool, tennis court etc etc, but all the units we saw were really old.. imagine - masking tape taping windows edge, awful stickers on shelves etc etc... basically it is like a condo rented to students again and again. And the toilets have a strange smell, which we suspect came from the ancient piping.. And we saw SOOO many units.. of different sizes, configuration etc.. cuz it is a 'hot' place for students/ families to stay..

And I told NJ, the estate is just not for kids.. more for teeny booper kids!

More searching

In the evening, we went to see more units at the SOHO estate.. and one was ideal, huge, parquet, bare furnishing but  only drawback for me was that only 1 of the 2 toilets has a toilet bowl, the other was dingy small, dark and has a squatting toilet. I am fearful my kids will fall, slip or play there. And the rent was steep as it was 3 bedroom. But the hall is huge, with a swing on the balcony. And hubby initially had doubts on the trustworthiness of the owners..

And there was a smaller 3 bedroom unit, with with the afternoon sun.. Although that owner is immensely nice, and I find the unit really adequate in all other aspects in terms of meeting our needs.

So we had to battle between the huge 3 room, small 2 room, or one with lots of afternoon sun ..

We did a list of pros and cons when we came back.. and we still cannot decide.

Hubby decided to look for another agent, which is like the wisest decision, on hindsight!

And then the ideal came

With lots of skepticism, and of the view that we will have to compromise some of our expectations and choose between the choices last night, we went to view another 3 bedroom unit.. 

And it was perfect.

Dark parquet floor and warm wallpaper greeted us as we stepped in. Huge living room, 2 toilets with toilet bowls and really decent furnishing. North south facing and the corridor is clean, and less dingy (as China is big on energy saving, so the corridors are all dark and badly lighted, looking scary sometimes)

And also, the agent helped us slashed the price to the a very reasonable with further room to negotiate. 

So it was an ideal unit in an ideal estate. Happy!

Why woman are more POWERFUL salesperson

Then came a bit of problem.. we have to then reject the other units.. and to tell the poor agents, who have all been really helpful that we have accepted another unit.

And there is 1 guy agent and 1 female agent.

And hubby was really apologetic to both, but he really dreaded breaking the news to the lady, as she is very "nice and helpful".. and he felt bad for her. it took him considerable time to finally pick up the phone and say no to the female agent.. hm.. how to leave him in China liddat!???

The intensity of guilt for the poor female is much more than the male agent, who did as much if not more work... (in terms of no. of houses shown)

Hence, I came to the conclusion why female agents/ salespeople are more successful. 

Man apparently have a tougher time saying no to them. And hence, less likely to take the easy way out and go with their offer... 

In any case.. we now have an unit in China, a place I can look forward to bringing the kids.. 

So we went out to have a good Peking duck dinner.. finally heaving a sigh of relief..

Well. anyway, I was enjoying the dinner until Hubby commented that he thinks that one of the people (whose name I can't mention here)  whom I know, who he knows.. has 美色 that is 身藏不"露" until one occasion he saw her wearing short skirt..

that totally spoilt my appetite and the expensive meal that we are having.. I mean, if the gal is objectively a looker, then fine.. this same person that I know, trust me, is not even within my definition of average..

Makes you wonder if the constituents of a male's eye and a female's are really sooo different..  yuk - pui!! (and I am no sour grapes ok..) and that again explains why females really make powerful salesman.. we females have no guilt rejecting a man.. but the man.. always have tonnes of reasons and "guilt" for rejecting or saying no to a female.. 

1st Night in Beijing..

Today, we really scrambled to catch our flight.. 

And are lucky enough to be with Team Singapore travelling for the Para-Olympics..

Yes, there was a Ra-Ra send off at the airport, though we were too harassed to appreciate it...

And I saw Mr. Ang Peng Shiong on the flight, eseated a few rows in front of me..

He looks good man.. fit and atheletic.. 

And I think he likes diet coke a lot.. at least I saw him drink a couple throughout the flight... :)

We did our first Skype with the kids today..

Cuz En En said he wanted "to see Mummy and Papa in the computer.." so we came back to the hotel to Skype before having dinner..

Xuan sees very amused by our voices and images.. and He finally called Papa.. as usual - all my kids call Papa first...

And he said his 'Bye.. see you" with his usual enthusiasm and with gusto.. (Xuan cannot really speak yet, and I am worried whether he will have any problems as I thought second kids are supposed to speak faster as they learnt from other kids! Even up till 2 weeks ago, his vocan consist of 'There!', Chu-chu [sound of thomas the train], and a whole range of mumbo jumbo that I cannot coprehend. he only picked up the 'Bye' recently, and something that sounds very much like 'See you!' as he loves to go out very much and relish bidding bye to others.)

On the flight, hubby said he missed the kids already.. And I think well, I am lucky to be going home to them.. But I have not figure out how i will take the leaving hubby part yet.

Today have been tiring, gone to the bank, visited one prospect house.. and we are too tired to do anything else. Will have to view many more houses tomorrow. 

Checked out Watsons, which has Similac made in Demark.. but at a local supermarket, I cannot find Drypers - only exorbitant Mummy Poko and Pampers. 

And hubby and I came to one conclusion. We know finally why expats congregate in areas like Holland V, or in town in Singapore. Only very recently do we see more expats in local neighborhood.

I think local neighborhood can help save a lot of money, as things are cheaper - the local neighborhood we visited this afternoon is very convenient with market, lots of eateries, hair salons, fruit stores, vegetable stores, supermarket etc... and all at seemingly very affordable prices. But I was thinking where to get the ang-mo ham and sausages, the pasta sauce etc etc.

And hubby wonder where he is gonna hang out after school (ala a a Starbucks or something).

One of the locations we are viewing tomorrow is next to Carrefour and Starbucks, I am thinking that may make me settle in faster.

I mean, if I am single or a couple working in China, I probably will rent the designer couple's unit this afternoon, as the house is fine (need some customisation to be our style) and the neighborhood is very locally- self sufficient.

But I find something is missing. The 'western' flavor seems missing. I mean I am all for localising etc, but with 2 tods and a baby, I think I also need more of homey feeling, assurance and be able to find things etc that makes me feel less home-sick. 

Hence, our conclusion that we will live in areas that have a bit more mixture of China-local-ness and the advent of western, mega brands like StarBucks and Carrefour..

Let's see.. 

Now I am gonna hit the bed.. my legs are sore and I swear I have more spidey veins from all the walking this afternoon..

No chance to take photos yet, but will do definitely.. some really nice sights, and I like Beijing.. 

It is not so commercial like SH - the old architecture and sense of elite, scholarly history intrigues me.. .:)