Between a Rock and a Very Hard place.. 1st baby KICK!

Just landed in SG about 3 hrs ago.. and now waiting for En to fall back into sleep, after he was awakened by whatever dream/ things he was thinking of...

Had been dreading coming back since yesterday, and the active tear ducts started since last night.. and I blame the pregnancy hormones.

But for the first time, I am not happy to board a SQ flight, not light hearted and joyful when I landed and cannot appreciate the ride along ECP back home.

I am always happy to be home.. always. I can't remember a time when I am not glad to be flying back. because coming home means seeing hubby again. and recent years, coming home means seeing the kids again. And I always love that anticipation of boarding the plane, collecting my baggage upon landing and walking out of the gates. And i especially appreciate the scenic ride home from the airport, the part of tree-lined ECP that always lifted my spirit.

But not today. I felt empty and hollow having to come back alone.
And also for the first time today, in my entire life of travelling, I actually went through the checkpoint for holders of boarding passes only to come back out again.
Cuz I have to pass the money in my wallet to hubby.. (not the drama of not wanting to say goodbye la, as some of you many be thinking..) and tat means i had to walk away from him twice, as if once is not bad enuf..

And I feel very torn, i want to stay and yet I want to come home to the kids.. i feel so ambivalent..

and while i really tried not to think abt it as leaving, (to avoid stimulating the tear ducts) somehow, for no reason, tears will fall..very strange and awkward for the strangers around me... wondering what is with this pregnant woman..

So my eyes ended up really puffy. I wonder when this - tearing for no reason/ without much apparent stimulation - will stop? The last time I had a stint like this was a couple of years back, after a rather traumatising incident, for weeks after, every night I tear, for no apparent stimulation or reason as well.. till one day it just kinda faded off as Time did its magic..

But very interestingly, from when we landed and on the ride home.. I feel baby moving.. the first kick, and then many tiny movements.

Maybe Baby knows how sad I am and is keeping me company.
maybe Baby knows I am back here so as to deliver him in an environment that we are more familiar with, and is showing empathy.

But it is interesting, because hubby was just saying some 2 days ago why Baby has not started moving yet..
Maybe Baby is reserving his first kick for a special/ much needed occasion - in this case, to offer me much comfort and joy..

Still, I wonder what I am gonna do tomorrow. usually Sat is a hectic day of 1 class with each kid, but this sat, classes are suspended as it is the Sept term break.

So I need to figure out what to do with the boys, without papa to ferry us around..
And I am wondering what Papa is doing..

Of tears and comfort..
Of loneliness and solace..
Of bleakness and anticipation..

They have all finally arrived. This is the start of life alone for a while...