The other little boy - Xuan

Our other little boy has taken a huge step forward..
He is finally walking.. so we no longer have to carry a close to 12 kg load around when we go for walks..

Recently, he has fake measles, from the Rosealla virus, which led to high fever for a few days..
Given is febrile fit history, it is really worrying and I am so glad it is finally over..!!

The little boy... En

Some mentioned that En looks like me..
Maybe..

Let's see.. you think so?

Father and son Series.

I love these pictures tat I took of En and NJ..


The Priceless Moments....


Papa carrying En to ease his tired little legs..














































A long walk..





































Adoration














Like Father, Like Son



















你的背影



















Face Off

The trip.. time together

We are back.. from 6 full days of being full time parents to En while holidaying in Perth..
I am rather tired.. though it is great to see En enjoying himself so much..
It was a trip in which we learn more of En, as well as ourselves, especially m yself as a mum..
Overall, there are more ups than downs during the trip, and though there are times in which I really lost it when En was in one of his tantrums, we have much more happy times that made up for it..

En is quite an easy travel toddler.. although he was more fussy about eating while travelling, other than that, he is pretty easy.
I was so worried he will make a scene while on the plane, but NJ did a brilliant job of buying him a Sesame Street sticker book with over 350 stickers which kept him occupied on the flights, as well as the road trip.. That book was a lifesaver! Though we also did a fair share of homework by packing his favorite drawing kit, his VCDs and books to keep him occupied, but En was more enamored of that sticker book more than anything else..

It was abit stressful trying to keep to the meal times that En is used to, so that created quite a bit of stress, thankfully, we were not at all ambitious in our itinerary, everything was pretty much free and easy, depending on his mood and the timing.. and it kinda all fell into place rather nicely, except for the last bit of the trip where we had to drive 5 hours back to Swan Valley to be near the airport for departure the next day.. That was a bit too long of a ride for En and he became really restless and irritable.

The highlight of the trip were really the cruise to see the sea-lions and to Penguin Island, and the 2 day farmstay in which En really enjoyed himself. He loves most of the farm animals and warmed up to them pretty soon, and eagerly participated in the feeding of the smaller size animals (geese, chickens, peacocks) while staying clear of the Llamas, the sheep and the cows..

Some pictures.. for now.. and will provide update of the lessons learnt in separate entries..

The tired, savvy traveller..


Smiling all the way on the flight with the Elmo stickers..
















Adaptable sleeper.. napping in the way.. and even capable of sleeping wile eating his cinnamon doughnut..











The little boy's moment

The jumpy toddler who have all the space to jump, run, explore...
























The farm was a real highlight as he came in close contact with the various animals..
While we thought it will be money wasted since he is usually cautious, he surprised us when he warmed up to the geese, ducks, chickens and peacocks real soon and was eagerly feeding them








The group photos.... With thousands of sincere apologies to Xuan, our baby.

The most beautiful sound...

Recently, I have been watching this video a lot..
It has to be the video of the year already, even though 2008 has only just started..

But with this video.. it left a mark on me..
It makes me smile a lot but it also makes me sad as I watch it again and again..
The musical sound of their laughter fills me with joy..

Yet, I wonder, at the same time, how transient this period of time is for them, a life without worries, a life in which they can laugh easily at just about anything.. a life in which the simplest thing seems like a hugely funny thing to them..

How easy these little babies laugh.. (Of course, how easy they cry too)..
But how easy it is to find pure, simple, undiluted joy..

And the worst of it is this:
It is something that cannot be learnt, that money cannot buy..
Something that TIME, in its simple passing will rob them of..

童真, 就是这么容以吗?
永恒的童真, 又是那么难...

Hence, I watch the video again, and again..
Technology has allowed me to immortalise the moment..
The very moment in which I hear the MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS in my life..

Yet, I know that it has captured something very precious as well.
It captured the pure and joyous souls that only the little children will have..

I hope this video brings you joy..
BUT pls be prepared for a loudness that you may not be comfortable with, if you have not had any experience being around rowdy children..

Presenting The Yap Symphony...

________________________________________________

We are.. finally.. all set for Perth tomorrow morning..
I am feeling apprehension and excitement all rolled into one..
Our tonnes of luggage bespeaks our anxiety to be as prepared as we can be..
It is the first trip away.. and it is gonna also be a learning experience for us all..

Somehow, bringing a child along on a holiday seems to be a huge responsibility..
It is all like planning for a huge event.. let's see how it unfolds tomorrow.

Will update the trip next week..
Meanwhile, chill..

Xuan the Rider

Sometimes I think the progress that babies make is amazing.
Xuan is certainly taking his own sweet time learning to walk..
and with his beefy body mass, it is really a struggle for us to heave him everywhere..

However, he certainly mastered riding.. and climbing up and down the stairs!
He knows how to get up and down the bike, ride it at neck-breaking speed sometimes, and even turn corners sharply. All these before he even knows how to walk!

And recently I was told by our helper that he loves to ride down a gentle slope near our house..
When I saw him in action 2 days ago.. I dunno to laugh or to be worried..
He was gleefully riding down the short gentle slope, and laughing when he was sliding down the slope on his little car..

I am thinking...

I need to up Xuan's accident coverage..
prudence is currently not his friend.

And it seems like we probably have a reckless hell-raiser in the family now..

Here is a video of him riding mildly in house... :)

너를 사랑해 "i love you"

After all the recent happening.. I have lately really liked this Korean song on the website..
Almost like one of those songs people use a lot for weddings, but the sentiments are really quite fitting with events of love... Here is what it means

너를 사랑해 "i love you"
Singer: Han Dong Joon 한동준

achimi onun soriye munduk chameso ggaeyo
Sounds of the morning woke me up from my dream abruptly
nae pumane chamdun noyege
You, who slumbered in my arms…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

nae-ga him-gyo-ul ttae-mada nonun hangsang nae-gyote
You’re always by my side when I’m tired
ttasuhage o-kkael kamssamyo
Keeping me in company, caring for me…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

yongwonhi uriyege sodulpun ibyorun opso
We will never part in pain
ttae-ronun sulpume nunmuldo hulli-ji-man
Although we shed sorrowful tears sometimes
onjena nowa hamkke sae-ha-yan kkumul kkumyonso
No matter when, please dream with me immaculate dreams
hanuri urirul kalla nuhulttae kkaji
Until death do us part…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

nae-ga him-gyo-ul ttae-mada nonun hangsang nae-gyote
You’re always by my side when I’m tired
ttasuhage o-kkael kamssamyo
Keeping me in company, caring for me…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

yongwonhi uriyege sodulpun ibyorun opso
We will never part in pain
ttae-ronun sulpume nunmuldo hulli-ji-man
Although we shed sorrowful tears sometimes
onjena nowa hamkke sae-ha-yan kkumul kkumyonso
No matter when, please dream with me immaculate dreams
hanuri urirul kalla nuhulttae kkaji
Until death do us part…
woohh wooh woohh
norul saranghae
I love you

Cheekily happy again!!

Many heartfelt thanks to all who have thought about and worried about Xuan.
After his KK adventure for 2 days, Xuan was back home finally on Saturday.

He cried when he came home..
I think he really enjoyed his KK adventure ..
When the fever was receding, and when we bought him a Get well balloon from Elmo.. he really enjoyed the attention he was getting from us..

He had his favourite toys, new balloon which he wanted, watched all the TV he wanted.. drank all the juicies and ribena and barley he wanted.. and with papa and mummy spending sole attention on him.. he must really feel like a pampered king.

Some photos of him.. you can see his transformation.. on the second day.. his cheeky dimple is back and when he had enough energy to demand for a balloon and be cheekily demanding.. we know he is en route to recovery...

I just hope and pray this is the last time he has a fit.. although the doc did cautioned that there is likelihood of having it again the next time he has fever.. so the team in the hospital really helped to prepare us so we will know how to cope the next time it happened.. I am hoping this is really the last of it..

it is too scary to even contemplate..

Meanwhile, En is a real sweetheart.
Knowing that he may fight with Xuan over the Elmo balloon, i told him when we returned that Xn Xn is sick and the balllon belongs to Xuan, and asked En not to fight with Xuan over it..
When Xuan woke up from his nap, En kept taking the balloon and pushing it at Xuan Xuan..

Welll.. so much for my vow not to be too attached to my kids..
but what a roller-coaster ride they can give you..

Here are some pics.. Dun Xuan look really cute and handsome in hospital pyjamas?
He is always handsome in my eyes, even when he is sick...

Hospital Entry..

Yes, I am blogging from the KK hospital.. thanks to the nation-wide wireless network initiative from my ex-company..

Remember how we spent X'mas eve of 2006 in KK hospital McDonald's room?
Well, now we are in Xuan Xuan's ward - yeh.. his own ward.. well - i must say i am very impressed with KK's premium ward, it is really thoughtfully designed with all amenities in..
Well.. i think for those who can afford it, the individual ward is a haven for the parents as well.. I can't imagine how the parents can doze or nap with 5 other ill and cranky babies and worried stricken parents.. hence, i feel that realistically, the choice of the individual ward is driven more to meet the parents' needs for peace of mind than babies..

And in times like this, i am grateful that i pay for the kids' H&S insurance premiums. that also gave me peace of mind. In times like this, the last thing I want to be worried abt is the bills. To me, insurance is like buying toto for the bad thing to happen.. when things are going well, we keep thinking the cost of insurance is an opportunity cost.. but in a single incident when the bad thing happen, the relief one feels more than compensate the amount paid. The best advise I was given when I was delivering my baby was from luke, who asked me to sign up for a H&S for babies asap. I think that is one of the most invaluable advise given from a parent to another..

And now to the real story..
Xuan gave me the fright of my life today..
I was in the midst of a workshop with clients, respondents and even clients all the way from Korea..
and I received a call from Hubby who gave a weird description of what happened to Xuan..
I can't remember what he said but I got the message, he is sending Xuan to A & E now cuz just now his eyes were rolling upwards and foaming at the mouth..

I put down the phone and tried to think what I am going to do..
And I called home.. the fact that my maid was crying and can't seem to say what happen to Xuan made me more worried..

I calmly rounded up what I was doing, mentally thinking what options I have and what choices I am going to make, and then announced to my colleague and my boss that I am going to the hospital.. you may think it is a really logical choice, but I was in the middle of a client facing workshop.. the timing could not be badder..

I was freaking up inside, but exteriorly I was calm.. if you know what I mean, it is like a layer of ice or something insulated me - the inner core of me, that turmoil and that pain - from the outer facade of me.. the seemingly untouched and unshaken side of me..

I called for a cab.. I called the usual ultra cool Pediatrician to make sure she is in and check out which hospitals she can visit and work in, to gather the consideration set of hospitals for alternative admissions.. and the i got on the cab in the pouring rain..

And i was still calm, till the jam at orchard road en route made that little insidious chip into that layer of insulation. I started tearing in the cab.. fear? pain? loss? i dunno what the tears are for..

But before we reached KK, I was calm again.. i remembered to ask for a cab receipt, i remembered the red door reserved for emergency cases.. and I went in..

Xuan was not having any fit when I saw him.. and i picked him up and asked him why he has to give mummy such a bad scare.. it was an immense relief. to see his lethargically meddling self.
However, he still needs to be admitted as he needs to be monitored, after the fit, and also the fact that the high fever had not gone away..

and so that is how I ended up here, in KK, with Xuan Xuan sound asleep and me typing away..
and hubby in a chair some space away doodling on his Dopod..

What Xuan had was Febrile Fit.. a new term that i just learnt today.. in addition to all the other discoveries i made about myself, and my relationships..

En and Xuan has been sick recently.. with En taking the lead - must be some viral at school again.. and xuan was just coughing and with slight fever.. Xuan has always been the tougher baby when it comes to combating illnesses thus far .. shorter period of illness and recovering fast..

Well. i suppose this is what it means when they say, When the Great falls, They fall Greatly..
It is really a wake up call..
We always kinda associate Xuan with robust-ness, toughness, joy, cheekiness.. but his vulnerable side totally incapacitated me..

Not that I won't feel the same with En.. but the surprise element that Xuan fell so sick so suddenly just knocked the guts outta me.

I was tearing as I was changing the cold towels on his neck to him to bring his fever down.. I had wiped down En the countless times he had fever, and even during the first time En had really high fever, I do not remember feeling so fearful..

So fearful that a little fever will do my little baby in..

你灼热的小手 滚汤着我的手
我湿皱的手掌 抚摸着你脸夹
你体受的不适
我都明了
我心中的寒惜
你懂吗?

My fearless little fighter-meddler-monster is now quietly sleeping in bed..
The latest temperature check reveals that his temperature has come down to 37.5...
i am keeping fingers crossed..

My little precious one.. get well soon!
I like to see the huge appetite and the hearty giggles and laughs...

updates.. virus virus go away!

Have not been blogging for a long time, cuz I am too stretched and swarmed..

1. the kids have been sick for like 3 weeks.

Both of them, fever, cough, running nose, the full works.. En had it worst, so bad that he finally gave in to antibiotics this feb. We alwas advocate letting his body fight the germs and never sought out antibiotics unless it is the last option available.

So when his fever came back again and with fevour along with the bad nose, the doc recommended antibiotics..

Xuan was slightly better, he only has wrecking cugh in the middle of the night.. my heart wrenches when his coughing fits starts…

So it has been a distracting month..

2. hubby been busy working..

Morning, day, night, weekends, NJ has been working..
En always ask where is papa..
And he also knows must dial “999 to catch bad man, bad man is naughty”..
Stability only returned recently…

3. I have been hectic socialising with ppl coming to our place, catch up etc etc…

And planning for the future.. and stuff... so too tired to do anything else..

But the kids' development has been amazing..!!

Xuan xuan is amazng though.. he has not walked, but he is riding his bike, within 1 day he knows how to ride backwards and forwards! And he know how to turn corner to navigate.. and he climbs up and down the bike by himself.

He is one cool chap..

I started calling home now to chat with En En regularly, it is very enjoyable. He will tell me what he eats, and what he does, and i feel more in touch with him.

He is also exercising his mind more.. when I ask him why he keeps crying 1 night because he started wailing and cried the netire trip hme when I did not follow him home, and only Papa went with him, he says he is sad. I thought he was sad because I was not around.. he thought for a ong while, and said “I am sad becoss…. Papa is angry at me”.. and I was like.. “Wat!” I suspect husband must have said some stern wprds at him and he translated that to mean hubby was mad at him..

On another occasion, he wanted to bring 3 books out for dinner. I told him to bring only 1.
He continued to take 2, and I thought he did not understand me, turned out he asked Papa to take 2, and En takes only 1 as per what I requested.
I have to grant that to him, he is quite resourceful sometimes..

Howrver, when I went with him to his N1 outing to watch the musical "the little red hen", the teachers were telling me how clumsy he was last year, that he will fall and spill things or bump into things or people etc but this year, he is managing better.. all the other kids in his class seem so smart! And I ve to chide myself not to be a kiasu mum. And that I can't compare.. but it took some rationsaliation instead..

But he feeds himself very well in school and so long as he has fun, I try not to be too worried..

I am very happy to be with them, it is a joy to see them play and learn and well, fight..
the fights are bad, and I am putting all the theories into use..
they dun always work, esp. when Xuan is so young, so even when I ask En to use words to say and not use his hands to show what he wants, Xuan does not get it.. so i have to time out them sometimes so that they are both doing different things!!

days like this, and work like this, i wish I am a stay at home mum!!!!

Siblings Without Rivalry

As a parent to more than 1 kid, I always agonise over questions like these:


1. En and Xuan's birthday... are their birthday cakes the same, En had a 3D cake for his 1st birthday, if I do not get a 3D cake for Xuan, will he think i am unfair to him? this year I worry when Xuan's cake is bigger than En's..

2. I want to buy this for Xuan, hmm, maybe I should get En something too in case he feels I like Xuan Xuan more..

3. Hubby and I recently have to make an agonising decision not to bring Xuan Xuan to our Perth holiday. We will only bring En, as the logistics of incorporating Xuan's routine will bring us down and we will not be able to go anywhere if we bring Xuan along as his nap times are so different from En's. But I keep feeling very bad, as if I am depriving Xuan of something.. I don't want Xuan to say we favor En or that En enjoys more privileges.

so the list will go on and on..


Until, I recently read the book..

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (Paperback) by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish

And it liberates me from all these feelings and more. I begin to see my kids in new light and am more confident that we will be able to influence them to love one another and bond strongly.

i picked up this book when I realise how useful their first book had been, "How to talk to your children so they will listen and How to listen so your children will talk".

It is a book filled with handy tips, illustrated in comic strip style for easy reference and filled with real life stories that we can easily identify and empathise with. And with that, we learn from all the experiences that parents go through daily.


In this book, my eyes filled when i read the following passage, which forever frees me from having, and trying to love En and Xuan equally...

"To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less.
To be loved uniquely, - for ones own special self, - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved"

And the book provided a lot of anecdotes on how trying too hard to be equal to our kids is actually depriving them of the real love and care that they really need and, in some cases, end up being really silly.

Hence, I feel my gut feel is right all along.. I cannot love En and Xuan the same way, they are 2 different, unique babies, with different qualities that I appreciate and adore.

I guess the key is to give the child what he really needs and always be assured that we love each of them in the special way that they deserve.

In the case of the holidays, I feel much better, because I know if we bring Xuan along on the basis of being equal, we are actually loving En less, and depriving him of his right to explore and have fun. Xuan is still too young, and we will have a chance to bring him along next time when he can participate and contributes to the fun. We also have a better chance of spending quality time with En than to risk tiring ourselves out trying to cater to both..

For now, we focus on what E needs and is good for him. And for Xuan, I am sure he will be equally happy at home romping around the estate in his tricycle..

And also, I love the chapter on how we easily stereotype our kids unknowingly, my blog entries are a testimony to this.. When we say Xuan is bold, while En is cautious, I am putting them in dichotomous roles. It does not, and should not be the case. Qualities of boldness and prudence can co-exist and not be the sole prerogative of any one child. By labelling the kids, we risk having the kid to live up to the label, or worst, alienate the other child..

Here are pictures of the 2 boys.. thanks to Nai Nai for snapping them!!

Kid's world

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!!!!!

It has been a great new year festive this year.
A great difference 1 year could make.

Last year, En was wailing at every house we visited.. making CNY visits quite a nightmare.
This year, it was a dramatic departure from last year!

He was as angelic as you can get, and all our preparation did us good.
We told him in advance of the daily visiting schedule, and that he cannot cry.
Now, "Dun cry" became his operative motto, every single action is accompanied by him voicing aloud, "Dun cry"..

And we also taught him to say 恭喜发财, 新年快乐. While he will utter it very shyly and softly, it is good enough for us. One has to see the improvement to understand why we settle for tiny steps of improvement..

No CNY pictures yet.. somehow this year seem too busy to take pictures even though our house is all deck out in CNY decor.. Must capture some this weekend!

Xuan is just Mr winning personality as usual.
Crawling after his rolling orange, and laughing and chuckling, he never fails to win people over with his beautiful personality..

We always get comments about en, such as "He has such big eyes.. he looks so sweet", and we will get comments about Xuan such as " he is so cute, so jolly, and he laughs so much"..

Xuan's charming personality charms many indeed.. and while En works his magic in his own ways. And I am happy.. although it was a bit tiring after a while to run after the 2 boys for 5 days straight..

I salute all the Stay at home mums.. I am sure the joys are unmeasurable, but the energy it takes is also tremendous..

All About Xuan..

Someone commented recently that i seem to have less update on Xuan in my blog.
I must say that it is definitely not deliberate.

Just that with Xuan, it is a very indescribable experience.
For one, his babble is currently limited to screaming for food, and "there!!" for everything, coupled with his signature hand sign. I must try to capture a picture of that. Think it is at the beginning of the video below.

For another, he is a very jovial and easy baby. And to an extent, i think that makes him sometimes, a pretty much overlooked baby..

As far as updates and photos go, there have been a few developments with him recently.

We started him on some classes some time back.. and now he is going to Kindyroo weekly.
It is a rather strange experience i must say.
In that class, there are only 2 - 3 babies, Xuan and Louis are Chinese and then Isaac (an Australian Chinese baby I think).
And then, the class has a mix of different activities but all aimed at strengthening the sensory experiences and preparing the child for gym activities later on.

Xuan is the most "steady" baby in the class, an absolute contrast to En at the same age.
He wonders around the gym and the class area on his own fours, exploring, crawling and even looking at other babies when he feel like it.

He does not stick to us like a glue. He takes new experiences quite well, whether its crawling beneath the parachute, or chasing after the bubbles or hanging from the monkey bars.
And for now, i revel in this reckless side of him.. and he has the looks and attitude to go with it.


Xuan is also very good at snatching things, namely from his older brother.
from the toys, to snacks. and everything else I guess..

xuan has the most marvelous laugh. It is something that never fails to make me smile. And even when I hear his chuckles in my head, a smile appears on my face. I just can't help it.

Then again, he is also a great actor. He has this special whining look - his eyes squinting hard, as if he is trying to squeeze tears outta his eyes as he tries to manipulate whoever to get him what he wants. Check out a video os his famous look here!



Even when he is sleeping, he makes me smile.
It is so uniquely him. How his head must lie on one of the many bolsters.
How his chubby feet touches the edge of the cot.
How he always looks so "boorish" like a big man, totally exhausted from his chores.



... Xuan is a baby that is hard to ignore. And definitely a force to be reckon with.
In each of his little, and endlessly endearing ways, he storms and chuckles his way into our hearts..

That is how I feel about Xuan Xuan..

Inspired by Kids..

You know it takes a lot of 'EVERYTHING' to live with kids..
if I have to count the 'Everything', i think i can blog for ages..

Well.. while it is, i can think of the following:

1. Patience. It is priceless

When En keeps demanding for a spoilt CD to be played, or when Xuan keeps crawling to the dustbin, it takes one tonnes of patience not to shout at them, and to keep taking Xuan away from the dustbin everytime he is near it.

2. Humor. It is the Armour to protect your Sanity.

Imagine having to put up with the following bizarre scene after returning from work one evening.

En: Eat hand, Papa Eat hand.
Papa: I don't want to eat hand. No.. no.*shrinking away from En's hand*
En: Papa, eat hand, eat hand! *thrusting his hand towards Papa's mouth*
papa: dun want, dun want to eat hand..
En: *stamping his feet and tearing, erupting into a tantrum* EAT HAND, Papa EAT HAND!
And so it went on for 15 minutes or so.

And there i was on the opposite sofa, rolling with laughter and unable to comprehend where En got his masochistic tendency from. There is just no other way of responding to such bizarre situations.

3. Self Sacrifice. To achieve a reasonable compromise.

It is a struggle to live your old life as it is without a compromise.
Something's got to give in the previous hectic life to cope with the kids' endless demands.

After a while, we just don't really feel it anymore.
And it makes us cherish what we can have or still hang on to.

4. Generosity. To be able to accommodate and overcome the huge doses of guilt.

We always feel guilty about something with the kids.
About not spending enough time.
Not stimulating them enough.
Not reading enough stories with them.
Not being more tolerant or more patience towards their antics.

The list goes on.. everyday, there is something to feel guilty about.
In order to live with the guilt, we need to be generous enough with ourselves to be able to forgive ourselves.

5. Ultimate Love.

It takes a lot of love to be able to withstand the kids' antics and still find joy in them.
It requires great love to be able to resolve whatever angry feelings that arise in us because of the kids, and to overcome them and love them as much as before, without any scars to the relationship.

And with 2 kids, it takes a lot of love to be able to love them equally. really equally, and without a tinge of comparison between the 2 of them. I am still trying to master that, and eventually I believe I will do it.

*************************************************

And now that I have kids, I am very inspired to make every festivity an occasion for them.
Something that they will recall years down the road.
Something that is meaningful and nostalgic for them.

With the upcoming Chinese New Year, I am really inspired to do various stuff to make the occasion as joyous and festive as it can be.

hence, it is true that when one has kids, they make you try to be a better person, or simply aspire to be better for them. And every event is an opportunity to plant a seed in their memories, something that they will keep with them all their lives.

thus is the strange dynamics as a family.
And I am only made more aware of that now that I am a parent myself.

uNbAlaNCed

I want to declare that I am unbalanced after reading an article in Straits Times the other day!!!

Objectively speaking, I delivered 2 very cute, high spirited and decent looking boys.
I will rate my performance as 'Exceed Expectations' on this count.

So I wonder why ppl go on papers and say their husbands give them post delivery baby bonus.. in the form of luxury bags and watches!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I very unbalanced.
i keep wondering if I am short-changed.
Someone owes me big time for this... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuz moi bebe tres cute lor!
And i promptly deliver one after another lor!

So if performance is to be measured in the Institution off delivery, I sure is Dean's list material when it comes to motherhood lor!

UNFAIR!

Acceptance of suffering

Remember I mentioned that I was reading 'Buddhism for mothers' by Sarah Napthali?
And how I was distressed when i see or hear of kids suffering?

I found some sort of relief when i came across the following passage, and will like to share this with everyone..

'With technological advances, we live in an age of quick fixes, instant solutions and labour saving devices. With the help of millions of advertisements, we are lulled into the false beliefs that don't need to put up with any discomfort, anything 'negative', so we fight and resist discomfort, refusing to put up with it. We forget the first Noble Truth that there is suffering, that life is inherently unsatisfactory.'

'What made modern suffering especially painful is our belief that we needn't suffer, that we can't tolerate any discomfort and must stamp it out at any cost. We demand that life be other than it is, become attached to our vision of what should be, and feel intensely frustrated when our expectations are dashed.

yet what we fear and worry most is not so much a situation as the emotions it triggers in us. We worry about how a dreaded event will make us feel or about how much more worrying might be ahead of us. It's not the suffering, the unsatisfactoriness, that hurts so much as our aversions to it, the emotional struggle against the suffering. Instead of trying to control external details it might be worth investing more effort in examining our emotional reactions. This could be a far more effective way to diminish our potential to suffer.'

'to continue struggling against the inevitable only fuels our suffering and unhappiness'

You are Loved

We are very lucky, thanks to baby En..
Even though he is no longer in the care of Super nanny, En remains very close to nanny and family.

Nanny and family also miss En much and they will request for us to let En spend time with them for a day or half a day on some weekends. It works out pretty well for us, especially on days when our helper is on leave on Sunday and we have our hands full with En and xuan. Also, we get to spend quality time alone with Xuan without having to split our attention between the boys.

En enjoys going to the nanny's very much, and seems to view these days as a treat for him.
2 weeks ago, after a long time of not visiting the nanny, En finally had a day out with nanny and family. At the end of the day, when we went to fetch him, he was crying and kept asking us to go home, while he wanted to stay at nanny's house. He did not want to come home with us!

He was crying half the way home, and nanny was very worried..
She was worried that we will not dare to bring En to her place again, and she won't have a chance to see her "宝贝" again.
She also called later and asked us not to scold En, as she was worried that we will be angry with En for not wanting to come home.

We are quite amazed why she will think that way. I guessed she must have experience with insecure parents who either bar their kids who are close with the nanny from the nanny, or have seen parents scolding their kids for not wanting to go home from nanny's place.

And while I can understand that these actions may stem from insecurity on the part of parents, I cannot understand why parents should be jealous.

I am happy. Very happy and very blessed that En is so well loved.

The fact that nanny is willing to look after En even though we do not put him with nanny daily anymore, and that nanny refuses to take any form of token from us for taking care of En on some weekends says a lot about how much she genuinely loves my son.

Why should we feel threatened that my son loves his nanny and family , so much so that he does not want to come home? I am happy that he is well loved, and that he has fun with other people outside of the immediate family.

I feel blessed that En is showered with genuine love and care from nanny, her husband, and her 3 kids who all love and play very well with En. As parents, we should be confident and secure that our kids love us. I believe little kids are innocent and pure. In their world, loving the nanny does not mean that he loves us less.

We all have been kids ourselves. We have all indulged and we want that experience which is out of the norm for us; being at home with mummy and papa is normal. Nanny and family offers the out of the norm fun and experience. So if they are not prep well, of course kids will want to continue with these out of the norm interesting events as long as possible.

Hence, for the subsequent week, we again left En with Nanny. However, this time round, when Papa left him, Papa told En that Papa will fetch him at 8 o clock. True enough at 8 o clock we turned up to fetch him home and he did not to cry. He cried a while to signal his reluctance, but he then dutifully wore his shoes and walked all the way to our car, muttering at every step 'Dun cry dun cry'.

We were impressed, amazed ad touched. Despite his reluctance, En kept his promise to go home without crying even though it was obvious that he had a hard time tearing himself away from nanny. The next week, we did the same and this time round, En came home without even crying to signal his reluctance.

This is a collage that nanny's daughter made of En when they brought him out for dinner. I am grateful for all that nanny and family have done for En..
And I feel as parents, we should be confident that our kids do not love us less when they show love for others. And have faith that our kids will always love us, so long as we give them a reason to. And that is definitely not by being insecure, jealous or petty!

Baby Names

You know how bad I am with Names...
I struggle to remember respondents' names in my focus groups these days, sometimes I will call another person and look at him/ her expectantly, while he/ she will look quite blank and another fella at the other side of the sofa will hesitantly answer.. "er.. I am XX.." and it was hilarious!

These days I have a new problem..
I have problems remembering all the names of my friends' babies!!!
aiyo!

And of course it does not help that many kids these days have new age names.. ok.. to me there are 2 types of new age names.
Type 1: Those that sound v english, but spelt differently. E.g. Linda, but spelt Lynnda etc
Type 2: Ingenous names that are English sounding but can't be found in the English name book. Many of those around..

I was telling a friend that next time when En goes to school, I will have a hard time writing party invites, cuz I have to make sure I get the spelling right!

Names are important, and of course it is all personal preference.
For me, who have been mis-labelled and mis-pronounced all my life, through all the following scenarios, you know why I want proper, strng sounding names for my kids..

1. The teacher look at the class list and when it is my turn, gave a blank stare
2. Others visibly struggle to pronounce "meow-ling"/ "mia-ling" "mui-ling", while there I was, hoping she quickly get it right as classmates are all turning around to look at me.. I hate to be the centre of attention.. and if you think that is worst, well i have to then stand up and correct the teacher that it is Miew Leng and still having the teacher getting it wrong..
3. Even when they change to Hanyu PingYin, Miaoling was a struggle as many associate me with a cat.. the expat teachers had it the worst, as I grew older I got confident enough to feel sorry for putting them on a spot.
4. When I was young and out dating, whenever we meet new groups of friends and interesting guys, I hate it when guys gross me over because the name is too hard to get it right and it makes them look silly if they call it wrong.. imagine how crass was it to have to scream my name over the club music just so they get it..
5. And now when I am working, clients and people whom I meet for the first time, still struggle with my name. They always look at my name card, hoping that that spelling will help form an idea.. again it does not help the foreigners/ non Chinese.. even in emails, my name gets permutated endless times. The most hilarious has to be when a long time client who worked with me for over 3 years and she still insist on writing to me as "Mui leng" and calls me "mui leng".. even though I blatantly sign off my name in bold! In the end, my boss has to tell her casually once that my name is Miew Leng.. but I did not get to work much with her thereafter.. haa!


So you can imagine having gone through the above all my life, I don't want to put my kids through it with funny names. Inevitably, the Chinese names will be tough, but with the english names, I opted for being normal, rather than being outstanding.

So now that many friends have kids, I really struggle to remember all the names correctly. in case they feel i can't be bothered to remember their names..

I am thinking I need a little pink book for baby names.. haha! And i think the teachers of our times will have a tougher time too.. heehee..
How do you pronounce a name like "melvryan" ?

What Time?!

I had a surprise from En yesterday.

I was having my afternoon nap while the kids were napping as well
Then En and Papa came into the room and I drowsily awake, rather reluctantly..
En said "Mummy, wake up".

So I was trying to stall for more time to lie in, and I said
"Give me 5 more minutes ok?"

Then En went about exploring our bedroom...
Then Papa said "Come En, Mummy will come down later..."
I thought I ham gonna have a lucky break and I will not need to limit myself to only 5 minutes of lie in..

But En came around my side of the bed, taking the clock from my nightstand, and thrusting it at me while he said

"What time?"

My elder son had grown up.. boohoo!
Sometimes his logic and his way of thinking astounds me.
Perhaps, all along, we have always underestimated what he has been absorbing.
Well, at least I now know that En is mastering the concept of time.

I am Cry Baby

Every year I get post New Year blues, because I am so reluctant to let go of the past, especially when the past has been good...

2007 has been a great year.. mainly because i feel 2007 is the year in which I found myself again, and am at peace with myself again..

04 - 06 have been quite a ride, lots of ups and downs and I felt lost most of the time, struggling with multiple roles, expectations and adjusting to changes. And my spectrum of emotions range from utter grief and desperation to pure undiluted joy and intense gratitude.. And it is tiring...

Hence, I appreciate 2007 a lot. It offered stability which i never realise I desired.
It offered peace and I have a lot to be thankful for.
I was happy most of the times in 2007.. and NJ and I did not fight that much in 2007, I cant say more cuz i dun want to jinx it...

But most of all, 2007's beauty lies in the hopes that I experienced..
In 2007, i have been hopeful and optimistic most of the times..
And i am finally at peace with motherhood.

I feel that I finally found my place between the mad world of work, love, family, kids and everything.. and I really enjoy parenthood most of the times.. making me finally sure of my sentiments about motherhood.

It is that sense of peace and joy that comes with being a mother.
It is not pride.
It is not a burden.
It is just a sense of "rightness" about me and being a mother.
I am at peace with my status.

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The start of 2008 did not seem bad either. I passed my advanced driving test today, even though i was not really confident about it since i failed once before, and only started to study for it again last night..

thus, I am grateful.. I am on-route to being a driver - pedestrians beware!!!

Today.. on the train ride from Yio chu Kang to Holland, I was reading an article in Her World..
Well i bought the magazine to pass time and to catch up on fashion trends..

But I ended up almost crying in the train when I read the article about how a baby died in her mum's arms, barely a month. And I had recalled reading this real life Accident about the car park gantry at the Expo leading to the death of an infant last year..

And today I read about the mum's experience through it all..
And I wanted to cry.. because the image of a baby's funeral or the sense of helplessness of not being able to help or do more for the baby faltered me... I am confronted by our helplessness..

And i wanted to cry cuz i feel it too..
In a strange way, these things get to me these days..

This is probably the most significant change the motherhood has on me.
I have the urge to cry whenever I read or see babies in distress, baby in pain, kids in accident and of course ultimately death..

And what scares me most, is this.
If i feel so emotionally affected just reading about others' kids, or watching it on a fictitious story, I dunno how I can cope in real life..

And that scares me. Cuz I wonder if I will fall apart.
I wonder how I can be the same again..

And I am quite emo about that..
I keep saying how we should not be so emotionally attached to kids we that may hamper them, burden them, and one day they will leave us anyway to lead their own lives.

Yet these feelings insidiously creep onto us.
Unsuspectingly so.. Vulnerably so..

And I feel very indignant when I recently read about kids being abused, traded or abut slavery and child prostitution..

I feel that as adults.. we all have a choice, and we have a will that we can control.
As kids, they do not have much choice, and their will are not horned to cope with the world yet.
And so, they are entitled to our care and love.

And i feel very bad and upset when I read about kids not even getting basic survival needs met. And increasingly I feel I want to do something about it..

Call it karma, or a calling, getting into action for kids, is my resolution for 2008.
I believe in the innocence of babies..
I believe in the purity of kids...
That forms the foundation of the start of beings, and living..

And that is something so precocious and precious that is worthy of our protection and celebration.. And it is my cause for 2008.

I can't cry forever whenever I am confronted by an incident, an accident, a disaster involving a kid. If I had helped, in any of my little ways, at least I know I am doing my part.

I can't guarantee a beautiful for my kids always...
But in whatever little ways that help, I want to contribute to making the world as beautiful as it can get.