Baby Boy III

back dated entry.. so much these and that cluttering my mind i actually forgot this announcement that will entertain many with incredulous laughter.

Ok, the verdict is out, we are gonna have a Baby boy III.
yes, you have my permission to offer us your condolences and comfort.
Unbelievable hor..
I grow up in a household of women, except my dad.
My parents wanted all their lives to have a son, simple cuz my paternal relatives are medieval people who believe only guys are good for something.

and here we are, only wishing for one gal.
My mum said she went to the 观音庙 to draw a lot on whether we are expecting a daughter some time back, and the response from the gods were it is all written in fate.

Well, frankly I am not that disappointed.. cuz there is more certainty in a boy than a gal, after all i ve the experiences of 2 to go by. I save a lot of money in recycling toys and clothes. Not to mention some hand me downs from Nj's cousin.. who all have boys... I just miss buying all the cutie ballon pants and gingham tops for baby gals.

I am just amazed.. well.. my gynae says i can be prepared to have 3 daughter in laws.. OMG. That is enough for me to declare to hubby we are gonna retire in a swanky tiny studio apartment..

I just wonder what will NO. 3 bring?
Any more surprises? after all some will say 1 boy is like another boy..
I will wait and see.. it will be interesting if he will look like gor Gor 1 or Gor gor 2.

for now, the bigger dilemna is in the name.
We really did not kid when we say we have no more names and yet still have to go with the family tradition in naming.
Can't imagine? let me give you an illusration of the kind of difficulty the 保 is giving us.

Like i like 保宇 - ala uphold the universe, grand and nice right? But it sound like abalone if you read it in English.
How about 保哲 - uphold philosophy. but my dad says the surname is 叶, so its sounds like breaking the leave 叶保哲. No good.
I like the range of 保凯 - in hokkien, it sounds like definitely will spend - a spendthrift, or 保熙 in hokkien which sounds like sure die - bao-xi-4. All cannot obviously.

Even the simple upholder of happiness, 保乐 can be mis-construed as 饱了!
then you have the host of gambling jokes that can be formed..

bao赢, bao胡 majong, bao中 toto, bao山bao海.

So i conclude, whatever the name is, it will be bao-drama!
Well, if you have any brilliant thoughts, let me know..
originally I was so happy with 保哲, so I have the series of upholder of gratitude, upholder of literacy/ knowledge, and upholder of philosophy.

i really want an upholder of GLORY.. any thoughts.. let me know!!

Unstabilise...

Originally it started off ok..
With Melanie gone, and Papa and mum/ MIL to look after the kids..
The it started to go hay wire..

and it all started because these care-givers just went ahead and screw up the kids' time table..
The more antsy the kids are, the more comforted they are by routine.
But do these people understand that?
Not a bit apparently.
For the last week, the meal times are screwed up, the sleeping hours are screwed, even the meals themselves are screwed.

Since i can't take care of it all.. i decide to just give up and let them handle the mess that they started.

And some stupid ppl still have the cheek to be angry.. when their own un-doing started it first.
I wonder if the simpler solution will have been to hire 2 maids who can handle idiot proof instructions and not try to play or act smart by screwing up the kids' routine which we took years to build and enforce.

But these mindless ppl apparently cannot understand.
Then, there are the useless people.. who cannot cook kids meal, and cannot cook decent adult food without it being fried or stewed in oil..

I think if we can't provide stimulating care for the kids, the basic is to stick to the meal and sleep routine. Is that so damn hard?!

And me.. well, in my current state, I am simply not up to fighting, or even try to undo the shit that happens. just being angry saps the energy out of me. and coming home to kids who have not been fed, who are late in their meals, not bathed or not prepared to sleep at the usual times pissed me off no end.

i need the routine as well.. and i need the childcare, functional part of it to be routine and as per the time-table.. instead of having to put up with battles such as I do not want to eat, I do not want to bath, I do not want these and that.. which are things that are always done on routine.

if the tasks are done on schedule, it does not breed resistance cuz the kids are used to the routine. But when you give them a chance to skive or skip one of those tasks, or delay the implementation of the task, then of course the kids stall, and cook up excuse and try to whine and cry their way out of it.

Simple psychology like these, these ppl cannot understand.
What is wrong with just keeping to the routine?

And not to feed sugar loaded carbo to the kids.. which also encourage the kids to be more hyper and energised than they are.

In times like these, I just give up.
it takes too much effort to care, and i can't undo the entire week of screw ups.
and for those who screw it all up, let the suffering enlighten them perhaps.

Sports Day II - Footages

En's event with papa...



En's first event..

En En's first sports day

As I watch the Olympics opening ceremony, I am editing and uploading pics taken this morning during En's first sports day.

I thought it is pretty apt that this term's activity is Sports day, and on the same day as the start of Olympics as well! The theme for this semester is Sports and cumulates in a sports day event for the kids.

It is held at the Turf Club field, a shaded soccer pitch which is very nice.
The kids have 2 events each, an event with their friend and another with their parent.
Prizes were then awarded to the winning team and consolation for the teams that lost.
It was all good fun, and it is very interesting to watch some of the clueless young kids being encouraged to go through the event.

En En did the first event with the support of his teacher running alongside him, and he fell on his face during the child and parent event. But he did better during that event with NJ, running his best, and I caught that on video. Not too bad for his first sports day and he seems happy with his prizes.

I think it is rather cool for to be there cheering him on for his first sports day. More of that to come, and I realise how time is "compressed" for kids these days. In our days, we only have our first sports day in Primary school. Now they have it from N1! amazing. Wonder what new things they have in Primary school now.

I find these moments really precious, little memories to be stored away to be recounted in the future.

For now, here are the photos, while I will post the actual race photos in another entry.

En looking Glum, as his classmates have not arrived yet.




















Our athletes from the Lims and Yap family.















Waiting in between the games..




















Waiting to run with Papa..




















Prizes all round!!























































Some of his N1 classmates!














His favorite friend and cousin, Bing Bing, at the playground while the adults have brunch after the sports event..

Bonding with Xuan Xuan..

When Melanie left, we anticipated that Xuan Xuan will feel the impact most. And we will have problem with him. Thankfully, we have managed thus far.

Turned out that he is as adaptable as always, and it allows us a chance to really bond and know him better..

I saw him pout very cutely for the first time yesterday - when he made his pacifier dropped on the ground while we brought my dad to the doc last night. Instead of wailing, he just dropped his head on my shoulder and pouted, his lips trembling as if he wanted to cry but know it is not right to cuz he was after all, responsible for losing his pacifier. And he looked absolutely adorable pouting it made my heart melt for him.


Other times, he is his usual jolly laughing self, always dancing to tunes, holding our hands and dragging us where he wants us to.

He is a very easy boy to love now, his jumbo of babble is amusing and his expression and smiley face always lighten my heart.

At the same time, he causes my heart to skip a beat whenever he tried to crawl on high places, run and experiment with all the dangerous stunts. Thus far, he already has a nasty gash on his knee that was just recovering, but he had to go and scratch the skin off causing it to be red and raw again. and then, he fell again with another scar closely near by.

That is my gung-ho boy. And he is ever affectionate in his own way, liking to lie in our laps, or hold our hands or stay close to us. But most of all, I think he loves his bed best, refusing to get out of bed in the morning when he wakes up, and preferring to lie in bed resting and tossing till he is ready to get up... and that is our little boy!

天长地久

I got misty eyed when I read this entry ' 简单的关怀' by Dairies of a Shopping Mama Queen. How I envy her MIL, and what a sweet old man her FIL is!!

And when I recently heard about a friend's partner of 10 years walking away from the relationship, and subsequently from the grapevine that the man is seeing another girl in his office, I wonder how is it that some couples stay together and remain in love for life, while others find it easy to forsake all the years of relationship for a new, novel experience?

To stay in love, and express in different simple ways the love, seems really hard.
How do you honestly comfort someone when her partner can throw 10 years of relationship away in a blink of an eye, without much apparent rhyme or reason?

My friend still does not know about the 'real' reason which compelled her partner to break off his relationship with her. And she is wondering if she wants to fight for the 10 years of past or o let go and hope all the best for the future...

What determines that 2 persons can stay always in love and together?
Whatever, if..
In 30 years time, if hubby still remembers my favorite food and my favorite song, I will die happy! Maybe even as simple as remembering to hold hands, dun walk too fast, and stay by my side, I shall be grateful!

I must remember to stay in love with hubby and not lose sight of that goal!

My wish for perks..

I read that the government will be announcing new measures to help families cope with kids and to stimulate the birth rate for Singapore once again.

I have also read various accounts of complaints of singles who complaint about how they feel discriminated with these birth promoting measures offered. One common complaint is the additional work load when pregnant females go on maternity and unfairness of work allocation with mums. I can no longer empathise with these females, and even if I am single, I don’t think I will begrudge the state for handing out incentives to promote more births. And ULTIMATELY, IT IS A MYTH THAT MUMS DO LESS WORK at WORK. Dun even try to get me started on that account..

I mean if I don’t want to give birth because of my whole host of reasons, why must I begrudge what is given to those who want to? Essentially, childbirth is a personal matter, and yes the State may be interfering with something that is of a personal choice, but no one really gives birth simply because the state says we ought to right?!

Sometimes, I am appalled at the self-centredness and selfishness of people. The “What I can’t get (because I don’t want to) also means others should not get it too!” attitude is selfish. Period. Can us mums complain that the single woman climb the corporate ladder faster than us? No, cuz it is a choice and trade off we make. We may not like it, but we have to decide what is more important to us! So I don’t understand why single females have to betray their own sex by grousing about fellow females who go on maternity leave and get “perks” for childbirth, it is not even fair compensation for the loss of career opportunity lor!

Ok, I rest my case, cuz I so find this topic distasteful.
What I want to blog about are my wishes for the new measures.

I don’t need longer maternity leave, of course 4 mths will be good to have but not necessary for me.
Additional CDA top up is not necessarily very helpful either..
What I really want is more childcare leave. With more parents putting kids to childcare, and some earlier, and all the HFM and diseases spreading around, the childcare leave are not even sufficient for MC and for parents to stay home with kids on sick days.
We dig into our own leave to take care of sick kids, and we use our own leave to spend quality time with kids. And we do not have leave left for spouse or for ourselves.

So I think more childcare leave will be much welcomed for both dads and mums. That is all I ask and what will make me happy.

Anyway, this is the 3rd day since Melanie goes on home leave..
Hubby stays at home to look after the boys along with my mum. Xuan Xuan seems to be coping well, no apparent missing of Melanie as I feared.
And I work till 3 everyday for these 2 weeks, so I can be home during the “peak” period in the evening.. A bit tough for Hubby and mum who have to get up at 6plus but I think we should survive.

In times like these, I appreciate the flexi work arrangements. I think companies should really have less red tape and regulations around it so mums do not feel so guilty all the time!

童年物语 always En-Maze me!

One of the things I really appreciate now are the conversations I have with En. His simple words, and his child logic give me fill me with immense joy and satisfaction, and more importantly, it gives me a glimpse of the world he is in.

Some times he asks the most serious questions, e.g. when he first the learnt the power of “WHY”

En: “Mummy, why you must go to work everyday, Why?”
On day after I came home late, around 8 plus close to his bed time, he asked
“Mummy, why you come back so late? Why?”

These are questions that made me think and filled me with self awareness of my role as a mum. And the answers to these questions are tough.

Other times, we ask silly questions and talk about different topics to help him expand his vocab and learn his Mandarin.
Over my dinner last night, En sat with me and share bites of food with me, with him relishing the mushroom and fish that I am sharing with him.

As he ate all the mushroom, we had the following conversation:
Me: “En, are you a mushroom boy?”
En: “Yes, I am a mushroom boy”
Me: “How do you say that in Chinese?”
En: *thinking for a while” “我是蘑菇boy!” and grinning broadly.

Knowing that En is sensitive towards our feelings, we always like to tease him into making a choice between who he likes best. Clearly, Papa is always no. 1, but over time, somehow he knows that it is a trick question that we are throwing him, so we always ended up having this conversation..

Me: “So, who do you like better, mummy or Papa?”
En: *grinning and shyly* “I like Mummy and papa, and aunty Melanie and di-di”
Me: “But who you like best?”
En: “I like mummy and papa and aunty Melanie and didi”
Smart boy! I adore his sensitivity and his game spirit to know when we are teasing him and playing the game again and again with us.

His child logic is what really intrigued me. Last night, over sharing my dinner, he was fiddling a slim long box which he used as his imaginary gun. He was pushing it around, throwing it and using it to unstablise anything that he can reach with his ‘gun’.

As he had other toys lying around, I said:
"En, you are a good boy and you will keep your toys away afterwards right?”
En: *shaking his head* “No, I am a naughty boy, I still want to play with them.”

There are times when he is totally challenging.. his irrational crying tantrums, his pushing and pinching of di-di or refusing to share his toys with di-di.

But I always told myself that it is important to look for the good things to highlight as strengths to him.

My helper is very protective of Xuan Xuan, and usually she will complain and account to me all of En’s mis-deeds that happended during the day. En hears them, and I always fear that his sensitivity will lead to some bottled up sentiments. So I started the counter initiative of looking out for opportunities to let him know that I appreciate his strengths in different ways..

• He always remembers his di – di when he buys snacks or ice-cream, saying”one for me, one for di-di”.
• He is generous in sharing his snack with di-di (can’t say the reverse is true, when it comes to food, Xuan xuan does not like to share).
• Occasionally, he will give in to di-di and let go of his toys and offer them to di-di.
• He remembers to ask di-di to come along when we go out
• He is a good “reader” and his favourite book is “The bad-tempered lady bug” by Eric Carle. Ever night, he wants to read that before he sleeps, and his favourite lines are "

"Hey you, want to fight?” says the bad tempered ladybug. “If you insist” says the other animals”. And when I mis-read fireflies as butterflies, he will correct me, “No, no mummy, not butterflies..”

Most of all, on occasions when I need his cooperation, most of the times he will do as per my request, especially when I say I am tired, sad or angry. I appreciate that sensitive and caring aspect most of all..

After all, we named him 保恩 in hopes that he will have the 心 (as in the word 恩) to uphold gratitude.

SMS again - Single Mum Syndrome

I SMS again.. because hubby is away in reservist.
Somehow I started seeing this as a "practise" / trial period for when he will really be away for long..

The things I do, the feelings I have, should be the same bah. Maybe they will be more acute by then cuz knowing I will not see him till when the baby is due.. at least now I know i will see him this Friday when he books out from the army.

I think I am a lazy, parasite-ish kinda person.
When alone, I can be rather independent and strong, and take care of myself. After all, way before I met hubby, I have been taking care of myself fine, and rather enjoy my independence..

But once I have someone to rely on.. I become a parasite. Maybe it is the backlash from being too independent, when I have someone to rely on like hubby, I become really needy. The ultimate damsel in distress sometimes.

With hubby around, I am very lazy, because I know he will take care of things, and me. And I know he will play his part as co-parent, so I am relaxed, and sometimes to the extent of abusing that sometimes.. (Yes! I know my weakness)

So hubby has this impression that I really cannot make it without him around.. Perhaps. But I am always surprised with the strength or determination I have when I am placed in a particular situation.

Like last Saturday, hubby was still in camp, and I have to work out arrangements for accompanying En to art class in the morning and bringing Xuan Xuan to his JG class. Usually hubby will ferry us and we take turns with Xuan in JG so it is less taxing. So hubby was telling me that if I was too tired, I could give Xuan's JG class a skip, esp when transport was a problem since I cannot drive.

Turned out I was resourceful enough to get a ride from Celeste for En's art class, and FIL fetched Xuan and me to the JG in the afternoon. And I am amazed that I have the energy to be with the 2 boys for the whole day - alone.

So it was not too bad, I admit I am mentally weak. That innately, perhaps I am stronger than I think I am.. and I like having someone care and take care of me. And luckily hubby gives in to me quite a bit in that aspect, allowing me to be totally 'nua' sometimes..

Before leaving for camp, he stocked our fridge with dairy supplies, cake, and our pantry with fruits and noodles for my late night snacks. He probably fear that I will starve or kick up a big fuss for having no snacks to munch on at night..

This I will miss when he is off to China. I will miss having someone care for my needs, someones who knows my likes and dislikes, someone who gives in to my whims.

Then again, maybe I will revert to be the Amazon-ish female, totally independent and in control. If so, by the time we meet together again, will we have to storm and norm to be at ease again?

This is the not the first time we spent mths apart. When we were dating back in school, he was on an exchange program that took him to the States for 6 mths. Those days were surreal, cuz we were newly in love and the distance augmented every nuance. And I remember when he returned, he said to me that we should never stay apart cuz it is so difficult. I wonder if he still remember this?

I wonder how it will be this time, but I am sure it will be an experience.
As with experience, people either come out stronger, or they become defeated. One can only hope.. but I am sure for me personally, it will be a real test of strength and determination. If i can conquer this, I am quite sure it will make me a stronger person to face other hardships.

In any case, I have the two 保 to keep my company. Between them and their 耍宝 my mind probably can't wander too much.

here's pics of xuan xuan trying to leash himself with Momo's leash and En posing for the camera!

oh, BTW, if you think leashing himself is funny, you need to see how Xuan Xuan sleeps on the floor like momo.. Sometimes I think Xuan thinks he is like Momo .. :)

Wonderings..about Batman and Relationship

Been a bit disturbed..
Since we watch 'The Dark Knight' at my company's movie night out..
and after reading Blinkymummy's latest entry on 'This Sweet Young Thing'

Both not seemingly related, but they both highlight the complexities in being a human being.
I love the Dark Knight.. and I think Batman may well be my favorite super-hero.
I will not say too much here as I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone, as it is definitely worth watching, and again.

Its portrayal of different facets of human being is intriguing, and make me think a lot of what human beings are capable of, or not capable of.

I think I like Batman - because he is not the usual save the world kinda hero.
I find Superman too single dimensional. Sipderman a bit of a indecisive whimp ...
But Batman is complex and intrigues the hell out of me..

Well... watch the film.. but be prepared.. it can be dampening.. and really a bit too dark to some's liking..

On the other hand.. Blinkymummy's latest entry of older men liking younger chicks is disturbing to me at an entirely different level.. Sometimes, i think if we think too much of the darker side of things.. and the infinite possibilities for a relationship to go wrong.. i won't even be married at all.

Yet, to not think of these same infinite possibilities of how a relationship can go wrong seem naive to me, especially when observational anecdotes point to their existence. Older men falling for a younger woman, esp. older man who has wife and kids, is only one of the many ways why it is hard to maintain a relationship.

But only very recently, a male colleague was telling me how he has faith in his wife and trusts her to be there for him.
That he knows that his wife will not hesitate to give up her life for him if needed, and vice-versa. Sounds very drama.. but the way he said it, and the conviction with which he said it, really touched me.

Cuz I never really think about my relationship in life and death terms.
And i cannot reconcile having faith in my partner with the infinite possibilities that a relationship can go wrong.
How can one have faith and trust when you see around you, and hear around you of all these stories of mis-placed faith,trust and betrayal.

It sounds to me, that it is a huge gamble to have total faith in your partner when the odds are so high..
Sometimes, I think, while I have faith in my partner, but I do not have faith in the environment/ macro system or in other women. Is that the same as not having faith in my partner?

I really dunno..

Like i think i have psyched myself into thinking half a year's separation will be OK, that it is a short time, and if things are to go wrong, it can jolly well go wrong here. And I rather not dwell on the horrible possibilities, but sometimes hearing or reading about others straying from a relationship get to me. Like now..

Yet, I am also at a stage where I think it is very childish to "track" what your spouse is doing.. Maybe I can't be bothered, I simply do not have the time, or to some extent, i think it belittles me, my self esteem, and who I am, to go to that extent of trying to control the inevitable.

I am very confused about all these, and I apparently do not really have a point of view on this.. kinda, I will like to have faith and trust etc.. all these cerebral concepts I believe, but the reality does not empirically support these concepts, and undermine such concepts, so I am torn between the 2, cuz I do not dare to place my bet.

Maybe that is why Carin Lau puts her relationship to 20 years test before deciding on marriage?

三国鼎立? or 桃园三结义?

[三国鼎立]


I













I think NJ must be too much under the influence of the Red Cliff. (We watched the movie and we love it.. I just think the screen chemistry between Tony Leung and Jin Chengwu is simply awesome!!!!)

In any case, just now when the 2 boys were arguing over their VCD preference, Hubby casually remarked the following 金玉良言!

"下次, 他们三国鼎立, 就没有这个问题了"

And I said, in that case, maybe Xuan Xuan needs a 诸葛亮...

But I wonder if it will be equilibrium and balance of power of 三国鼎立 or the chaos of 六国大风相...

If no. 3 is really a boy, I much rather they enact the 桃园三结义!!

[桃园三结义]



************************************************************

We just brought the 2 boys and Momo to the West Coast Dog run.. It was really nice to see the boys and the dog running freely... though it drizzled for a while, but Xuan Xuan seems oblivious to the rain, or the size of the dogs present..

It's been a long time since we last went to the dog run, we brought En there long long time ago, when I was pregnant with Xuan. And now, I am pregnant with another.. hm..

While hubby is still here, we should spend more of such times...

Coping...

Since my last posting, and from people who have received news of us having no.3, the responses ranged from possible shock to astonishment.. and I know a lot of you must be wondering if we are crazy..

My brit colleague who just returned from her maternity leave was lamenting to me how tough it was for her to manage her toddler and her new born baby.. and that through it all, she always thought about me since I just had my no. 2 when i re-joined the company some time back..

And when i told her that I am now onto No 3, her first response was that i must be crazy, and then hugged me afterwards either for joy or to comfort.. I must say, many must share the same thinking.. sometimes I also wonder where we find the courage to have 3..

To top it off.. todays' news have the headline that "Singaporeans list key challenges to marriage and parenthood".. that people are hardly getting married and for those who are, are not even having no.1, and here I am talking about the impending 3.. According to the series of public consultations, the key 3 challenges to having kids include:

1. financial security
2. Work-life balance
3. childcare arrangement
and a close 4th is female's concern with losing their job if they took longer leave to care for kids..

so I question why are the 4 cited barriers not preventing us from having more than 1 kid..

I can't say if we have financial security, after all ,who really have financial security? We just have our jobs, and soon both of us will not even be working for a while, and thats' that.. so I can't say we really have financial security. Then again, while the costs associated with kids are really high, I really believe all parents cope within their means.. And all parents, rich or poor do trade off. so just cope and make the best trade off decisions we can.

For people who know me and hubby's line of work, we do not have much of work life balance. Nj is constantly interrupted by calls in the night, during meals, on weekends etc and he works till wee hours of the night. I have late evening groups sometimes or when I am rushing reports or my travel stints that eat up some parts of the weekends or definitely taking me away from our kids at night.. However, we make do and try to find time for kids and each other.. I do flexi time and spend whatever time I have in the morning with kids before work. I come home early and bond with the kids till they go to bed and then I resume work. And our weekends are mostly dedicated to being with them.. It is a tough juggle but we make do. I really believe in quality time, and making the effort to spend time.. no matter how little or limited it is..

And i outsource childcare arrangement to my helper, my mum and mum in law. And so far, it has been ok but challenging sometimes, but if you read my previous agonising entries, it is not without its pains.. but I think we will have to make do..

The thing is, I believe for majority of the middle class Singaporeans, having kids is not that big a problem. As I have put it very extremely in an earlier entry, sometimes we either under-estimate ourselves, or we are really, to be perfectly honest a little less sacrificial.

Of course it is everyone's choice, some choose to be successful career women, some choose to be a perfect mum, others perhaps just juggle and make do. And the number of kids is ones choice and one's comfort level. The thing is to remember we have choices, and more so these days with the opportunities given to women. So it also make the decison making process harder as the opportunity cost is very high.

I think, in my case, I cope by allowing myself not to be perfect, even while I do strive towards perfection.. Recently we had a catch up session with 2 of my oldest friends, who now have a daughter of their own each. One of them remarked when she saw my kids' doodling on the walls, TV, stairway that we are very tolerant of our kids, that it drives her mad that her daughter doodles on the wall..

While we try to discipline the boys and limit their drawings to paper, accidents often do happen and it is a fact that kids always test their boundaries. That I can't help or prevent, so I choose to overlook such little stuff instead and focus on the important stuff, like not destroying our antique furniture.

I think, if we think very rationally about all the things we do with kids, it is a very tedious chore, and very tough and very challenging. This i agree with all mums. Hence, i sometimes choose to not think about it. And NJ is very good at reminding me of that.. to breathe, let go and believe that there is a solution eventually. And that solution is not by worrying about all the problems before they even surface.

To say I do not worry about coping with no 3, I have to be lying. Especially when nj is off to china this sept, I will be single pregnant mum for a while. And of course, I wonder if i have enough attention to give all 3 kids. And even time for myself, for couple-hood. Whether I can lead a sane life with 3 screaming rowdy kids..

But you see, all these are doubts. And we will cope, if we let go of some things, here and there and not try to be perfect. And we have to believe that kids are adaptable and that they will not love us less just cuz we have 1 more kid. When we try to be too perfect, and do not live up to the standard we set for ourselves, we feel guilty and think we are not good enough.

I learnt very long ago that there is never enough guilt for mothers, for parents to feel. Almost every occasion can be an occasion for guilt. Sometimes I think we made ourselves feel guilty to punish ourselves and so, we do need to teach ourselves to let go of this guilt. And believe that we are more capable than the image of ourselves in our mind.

I am not the best mum, but I am the best mum as I try to be for my kids. And that has to be enough. Just as my kids may not be the best kids, but they are the best that I have nurtured them to be. We live in an imperfect world, in all our less than perfect conditions, so why should we not allow ourselves little imperfection? :)

So much for now.. I will talk about coping specific coping strategies in other entries, right now, i want to upload latest photos of the boys!!

Introducing handsome Xuan Xuan.. and Doctor Yap.















Xuan's favorite bolster

No.3 on first day of CNY 2009

I wonder if people do pregnancy announcement via their blogs..
Well here it is anyway. Our no. 3 is on the way.. for those who have not heard it from the grapevine yet.. Baby rat probably, cuz baby is due on 26 Jan, first day of CNY. And probably Aquarian like moi!

I have my 12 weeks scan this morning, and baby looks.. like En and Xuan! The same prominent forehead and the pointy nose.. and the little fingers and feet are so cute!! Even the face really resembles the 2 little boys! Yes, it has been a long time since I did a pregnancy scan lah..

But hubby is very disappointed when Dr Yeoh once again said “I think I see something! Do you want to know the gender..”

Well.. I still have hopes. This is still a very early scan yet.. gender typically does not surface till the fifth month.. but I know NJ is feeling very inconsolable if this is gonna be another “Bao-X”!

Well, we always think having 3 is the perfect number of kids to have. And also we like little gals, esp. Papa. Maybe this is the best time, or else I will be too old. And we are already considering adoption *desperate* for a gal..

I will like to think someone heard our wishes and have graciously blessed us with no.3. Timing wise, I dunno if it is really the best time, with Papa going away, and CNY is a bad time to engage confinement lady. And bringing 3 kids to China seems really daunting.

But I have faith. I have faith in myself, that in my typical “miew-lology” things always seem impossibly bad, but placed in the situation- I will come through, as always. After all, I perform best under pressure and nothing can be more pressurizing like the circumstances now.

I have faith in hubby. Who has always been a pillar of support for me and babies.. though it will be more difficult in the initial months when he is away and I have to do all the night feeds myself now..

I have faith in little baby. Maybe we are really amnesic creatures when it comes to pregnancy, or it is Nature's way of making every birth special and unique.. I already feel little baby is so CUTE!! He/ she looks really adorable in the scan, the face the rounded head and body, the little prints of hands and feet.

Well, so much for my close shop before 30.. but I do feel the past 12 weeks have been a nightmare of puking and bad days all the time. Compared to my previous really easy fuss free pregnancies, the first 12 weeks were a torture. I am sure looking forward to second trimester!

And I want to look like her, this time round for my pregnancy, this glowing and this good ok. I suddenly have a weakness for heels, something I won't wear for like next 10 months! Argh!! And all my dresses… and I will grow 25kg fat.. argh!!!!!

Ohh.. I so want to be a yummy mum!!

Broken families - the root of all kid problems?!!

Recently I feel there has been a lot of attention in the media highlighting the broken families of victims – as if broken families is a direct/ indirect contributor to the fate of the victim (whether it is the NS boy/ the hot shorts girl who was murdered)..

I wonder about and I question the effect of a wholesome family on kids.. for sure, a lot of literature have already talked much about it..

In an age where divorce rate is climbing and it is a reality that it is harder to hold a marriage together than to let it fall apart, it seems very fatalistic to me when results are attributed merely to the status of the family.

You will think that if we have evolved so much – that the broken families and people will have evolved to cope with the broken family status and its effects on kids. Are all the psychologists and sociologists not having a field day trying to analyse this and coming up with solutions, if we already see divorce as a upward trend that will likely stay than to go away?

Hence, if there are coping mechanisms in place (definitely there must be! Divorce is not invented a decade ago!) then, I am saying there is something besides the status of broken family that may have impacted the kids more..

Is it the income, is it the vices of the parents, or is it simply the lack of attention?

If it is any of such parameters, then they are not automatically correlated to broken families, i.e. a kid can come from a full family where parents are of lower income, or are victims of vices such as excessive gambling or alcoholism or as simple as coming from a full but negligent family!

Hence, in this age where divorce is a reality that many have to cope with, I think it is very stigma-tic to continue attributing failures to status of the family. It is not fair, and it is not realistic.

And it is not helpful in helping the public see the REAL ROOT of the problem that may have resulted in the tragedy, which may turn out to be an even more prevalent trait/ situation! One day, I hope to see a change, and more insightful reporting. Please, to me, it seems really passé to attribute failures/ tragedies/ any weaknesses of kids to simply, and linearly, the cause of broken families.

Just because we are pro-family, should not make us BLIND to persevering, loving and capable single parents who strive to bring up their kids well and wholesomely.

If anything, these individual deserve more credit as it is much tougher for them, don't you think?

College Green Kids...

The College Green Kids..

Some weeks back, Nj's cousin organised a gathering of all the College Green tenants, who either have moved or will be moving away..

By the time I am writing this entry, most of those who attended the farewell have already left.. The basketball court which used to be full of wheeling vehicles ridden by kids now seems bare and lonely.. My 2 boys get the court all to themselves in the evening, but the spirit is missing..

anyway.. at the farewell.. there was a huge jumping castle for the kids.. BBQ and food contributed by all the residents.. People from different nationalities and all walks of life gathered to say goodbye to a place which held many precious memories for them..

And to cumulate the memories of this lovely estate, there were 2 rounds of water bombs fights - adults versus kids.. which had everyone drenched but exhilarated.. And i used to think water bombs were only played in school!

Late in the evening, some residents stayed behind chatting around a bon fire beneath the stars...

These are times that are rare and precious.. And here are photos that serve as a testimony that it happened, the beautiful place exists and we have been there...

The Little Cheeky Monsters
Preparing for the water bomb fights

Re-loading.. And a bewildered En

All drenched and victorious all round...

Conversations with En

I had one of the most enlightening and heart-breaking conversations with En today..

He said: :Di Di dun like mummy.
Mummy: *jaw drop* "why?"
He said "Di Di likes Aunty Melanie."
Then he added (probably seeing my jaw drop..): "I love mummy."

That is upsetting and comforting for me.. I think it is inevitable that Xuan likes Melanie since he spends more time with him at home.. but it is a sobering thought..

I need to work harder indeed..

*************************************************

Later in the evening, we went to a Thai restaurant which has an ancient looking painting of a regal looking man dressed in royal finery.. ..

Suddenly, En turned to me and asked:
"Who is that old man?"
Mummy: ?!!! Jaw drop again and speechless..

Later when one of the helpers in the restaurant was playing with En, I took the opportunity to ask her who "the old man" was..

She said he was Rama the Fifth... !!!!!!!!!

Our little friednd just reduced King rama V to some old man...

Amazing.. Xuan

We brought Xuan Xuan to the doctor yesterday to take his MMR and chicken pox vaccines - finally!

and we were prepared that he will hate us, hate the doctor and the nurse, much like his brother when he took his. Not to mention the ear-wrecking, piercing wails we have to put up with..

And he astonished us.
there was not even a protest after the first jab..

Ok... we thought with relief.. at least we only have to put up with the wailing after the second jab..and we waited, holding our breath..
But the second jab went through again without any protest..

He did not even seem to be aware of the injection taking place...!!!
So while all the nurses were exclaiming how brave he was.. i was worried if there was anything wrong with his pain nerve..

I have never seen a baby not crying during injections, and to go through 2 at one go without even a whimper? It is simply amazing.

It perhaps, explains his boldness, because even when he fell or knocked into something, most of the times, he was not too bothered about it.

Talk about Iron Man.. hm...

I watch 投名状

Ok ok.. I know I am tres tres tres late ok.
And many people probably reviewed this show already.. and either love it or hate it.

I happen to really love it.
I caught this film on the flight in and out of Ho Chi Min and I came back to rent the flick and finished watching it with hubby this week..


One of the better Chinese films recently..
Throughout the show.. I cannot decide where my sympathies lie, who is right and who is wrong..
And I love this ambiguity. It is disturbing, thought provoking and brings me outta my comfort zone..

I feel it reflects life, like it is in the real world.
Is there a real truth out there? Is there a real right way of doing things?

Jin Chen Wu repeated "大哥(Jet li) 是对的.." twice to Any Lau.
He is an idealist. But he has strong faith in his ideals. Which should be good,.. right?
But what happens if the ideals/ the person you have such faith in are wrong/ are corrupted?
What determines the right and the wrong? Is there an absolute right or wrong?

Jet Li says "有一天, 你会明白我这样做是对的" to Andy Lau.
To have such a powerful vision that one strives towards, it should be admirable, ... right?
But what if the actions one needs to do to contribute to the end goal or vision, are wrong?
Does the merit and grandeur of the vision make the wrong deeds right?
What vision is so great that it makes one susceptible to greed, to corruption?

And, Andy Lau - he believes in ethics and humanity and in loyalty - "言而无信连畜生都不如" . In living up to one's promise, in peoples' right to live and to repent, he believes in those he love and trust, not once thinking that they will betray him.

The crux is all three great men exhibited admirable traits which are all "correct", on their own merits.

However, when they all come together, it is a challenge to decide who is right, who is the one who deserves our pity - the Disillusioned? The Blinded? or the Betrayed?

There is no one dimensional answer and to even begin to sort it out is impossibly hard.

And I feel life is exactly like that.
This film reminds me that..

Even if we are very sure we are right, we could be wrong. Others could feel we are wrong. Others have a right to believe we are wrong.

Yet, we need a point of view, without so, we are nothing. We do not have a belief that will sustain us, a cause worth fighting for, a meaning to our lives.

Yet, by taking a point of view, we may have chosen to forsake many others - the opportunity costs. We have chosen a path with consequences we need to live with.

I hope my 2 boys will grow up capable of handling the complexities of life such as these.

I am not confident I can teach them to make the right choice all the times.
I cannot assure them that there is even a right choice, sometimes.
But those should not deter, nor make us fearful to have a point of view, to fight for what we truly believe in, and to embrace our beliefs with passion and yet to moderate it with an open mind for alternatives.

It is one of the toughest challenge in parenting..
But it is a battle we have to win.
Because we, and our loved ones have a lot to lose if we lose this battle.

This is one film i will watch time and again, as I am sure I learn more of myself and the world each time I watch it...
And i need the reminder of how grey this world can be...

For One More Day - Part 2 on Marriage

So.. the other aspect which was really thought provoking for me was the relationship aspect from the book "For One More Day".. I find strong resonance with the following passages from the book..

"In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word 'divorce' came up. I always figured it came from some root word that meant 'divide'. In truth, it comes from 'divertere', which means 'to divert'."

"Here is what you are going to find out about marriage: you have to work at it together. And you have to love three things. You have to love

1) Each other
2) Your children
3) Your marriage

What I mean by that is , there may be times that you fight, and sometimes you won't even like each other. But those are the times you have to love your marriage. It's like a third party. Look at your wedding photos. Look at any memories you 've made. And if you believe in those memories, they will pull you back together."

The second passage is extracted from a letter to a son on his wedding day.
I think it is the best advice any parent can give..

I, too, always thought that the word 'divorce' stem from the roots of divide..
But to know that it stems from the root of 'to divert' makes a lot of sense to me..

I once read somewhere that relationships fall apart because of the presence of distractions - which diverts one's attention.

- when you are working too hard, you are distracted from your relationship
- when kids come on the scene, you are distracted from the love of your spouse
- when you meet someone interesting, even if you do not have the feelings, you may have been distracted in your attention to your spouse..

And I also read somewhere, that when a couple is encountered with problems, should one party chooses to divert the attention elsewhere instead of working hard at the relationship, it puts the relationship at risk..

Hence, to know that divorce stems from divert makes sense.. since a relationship starts to break down when one or two parties are diverted from the shared goal of marriage.

I happen to think that loving the marriage is really important.. There is no guarantee that you will always love your spouse, in disputes, in arguements, on the really bad days..

But the shared memories, the blissful days of courtship, the honeymoon phase of marriage, all these are easy to love and they form the building blocks of the marriage. Cumulative memories are powerful - they give us the reason to believe in something even when the moment seems contrary to the belief.

The interesting someone, the new challenges and satisfaction at job, the kids or any new distraction may seem overpowering and overwhelmingly interesting in the present, maybe even the future, but they did not have a role to play in part of your shared past.. the years that went into the relationship and marriage before this new distraction occurs.

Hence, I believe in cumulative memories. They provide me with the strength to have faith.

And at this moment, more than ever, i feel i need to believe in it more than ever.
In face of a long distance relationship for half a year to come.. it seems a long time even though I am sure time will fly. Still the uncertainty bothers me..

I can only hope and pray.. that papa is not diverted..
And I am not distracted..
We remembered why we are together in the first place..

Mother's Day Posting..

This posting is backdated.. as I have intended for this to be a Mother's Day posting..

I wanted to do it but have been bothered by various things.. but today, I am determined to pen it down..

I finally bought the book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, and co-incidently, I was reading it the week leading up to Mother's Day.. and I find various passages from the book very apt as a tribute for Mother's Day, to all the mothers, and also the fathers out there..

In line with the Mother's Day theme, I will blog about the parent-child relationship for now.. (watch this space for excerpts on relatinship.."

Some of the poignant passages I can relate to so much it hurts. And it made me think very much about my mum as well..

"If my mother said it, I believe it.
She wasn't easy on me, don't get me wrong. She smacked me. She scolded me. She punished me. But she loved me. Se really did. She loved me falling off a swing set. She loved me stepping on her floors with muddy shoes. Se loved me through vomit and snot and bloody knees. She loved me coming and going, at my worst and at my best. She has a bottomless well of love for me.."

Some of the toughest passages that struck me rather hard..

"Years later, after her (mother's) death, I made a list of Times My Mother Stood Up for ME, and Times I Did Not Stand Up for My Mother. It was sad, the imbalance of it all.."

"Children get embarrassed by their parents... " Someone remarked in the book..
"But usually they are just in some kind of pain. They need to work it out" - the mum replies.. "Sometimes, kids want you to hurt the way they hurt..."
"A child embarrassed by his mother is just a child who hasn't lived long enough"

How very true.. I can't help thinking back to my teenage years and shudder on the things I say, the thoughts I have.. Time - Time allows one to learn and move on..

And lastly, what I resonated most with..

"I believe my mother saved my life. I also believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you will never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't"

I was full of remorse when I read these lines.. The countless times in which our parents stood up for us, which are not visible to us. The endless times we have thoughtlessly said the stupidiest things or done the silliest gestures, and inadvertently hurting them.. and through it all, the bottomless wealth of love that keeps them hovering around us, nagging at us, loving us in their own ways...

Parents, endure all kinds of things for their kids.
And Kids, inflict all kinds of hurt thoughtlessly on their parents.

For that and much much more, we are indebted to our parents.
I do not expect our kids to be indebted to us.. But I hope, the growing up years are kind to them.. so that when maturity and the time of realisation come for them to be parents, they do not feel the overwhelming guilt as I sometimes do..

For the last few days, when I have been reading about parents' despair over their kids buried beneath the rubbles in China, and viewing the horrific pictures splashed over the papers.. tears been pricking my eyes endlessly. My heart and everything in me went out to all the parents..

Parents of teenagers, parents on toddlers, parents of kids..

As a mum now, it is not just empathising, the intensity which I feel for them, with them, and almost an extension of them, cannot be described.

And what Mitch wrote in the book is very true..

"Behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin"..

A tribute to all great mothers I know.. May we all have the strength to endure the numerous pains that will come, open our arms to reveal in the little joys that come our way and persist in loving our kids, and all the kids, the way they all deserve to be loved..