The Dark Mark

I want to blog about Baby Xuan's "Dark Mark" for the longest time..
Yet somehow, it just always slips my mind.

And for those Harry Potter fans like me, you will notice the various Harry Potter signs that I have used and been using, such as "Torture clients with the Cruciatus Curse or the Imperious Curse" as my MSN tagline, and now talking about the Dark Mark... well, I am trying to keep the story alive for myself.

Now about Xuan Xuan's Dark Mark, it is this thing that he has on him.
We never know he has this mark till we shave off all his hair at 4 mths.
Then this rectangular mark appears at the back of his head, right smack in the centre at the back of his head, a blackish rectangular shape thing - much like a flag.

Then the strangest thing is that, now, 3 months after the hair cut, when all the hair has grown out, and sticking out and upright on his head, that little patch, and ONLY that little patch, remains hair-less.

I am now a bit worried that that patch will not grow any hair.
And Xuan looks a bit odd with this hair-less dark mark.

And my mum has the strangest theory about it:

She recalled that when I was pregnant with Xuan, that we all went to a chalet for a birthday party. To get in and out of the chalet at Pasir Ris, we have to get stamped on the back of our hands so as to be able to return to the chalets without paying the entrance fees again.

And my mum thinks that that little stamp kinda got transferred to the back of Xuan Xuan's head, when I was pregnant with him back then.

Do not ask me how and whys..it baffles and bewilders me. And my mum says that is also the reason why, the Chinese have so many traditions/ superstitions governing the pregnant ladies, such as not sewing on the bed, not moving the bed during the pregnancy, not hammering anything within the house etc etc.

I am now wondering about this dark mark, i guess so long as Xuan Xuan's hair grows out soon to cover it, I won't be too concerned. Except that during his NS next time, Xuan will probably offer his camp mates some entertainment with his botak head that has a dark mark on the back.

Will upload photo shortly to illustrate the point...

NS and SMS + En's artwork

People complain about experiencing PMS, and I complain about experiencing S-M-S: Single Mum Syndrome.

I SMS for the whole of this week.. as NJ is away doing his due duty to the nation. And i am beginning to think all these long weeks away from home is also training for the mum and kids to adapt to life without daddy. This must be the manifestation of "Country before Famaily, and then Family before self". I feel like I am under a Cruciatus Curse the whole of this week - YES painful.. painful.. and I miss NJ for functional and of course emotional reasons la.. and once again, I pronounce, SMS is HARD!!!

And of all weeks, it has to be these 2 weeks when work is really really bad, with my mega 6 country project cumulating in a 2 day workshop in which the report presentation must take place for all the MDs of the markets.. and colleagues are on leave and suddenly all the briefs came in wanting an urgent response...

BAD timing, which caused me to think that the only law in this world that rules is Murphy's Law - anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong.

I mean, how heng must a person be in order to be in a situation where I SMS, reports due, and having to ear the guilt of rushing off the work and coming home late from work not seeing either of the kids right?

This is such a long week, and I am so glad tomorrow is friday, but it is the day of dateline for report as well as a mega multi country multi everything proposal.. argh!!!

Anyway, so I have been missing a few of the morning walks in the mornings..
and I feel bad.. but I get to feed Xuan in the middle of the night, so it is not so bad..

Here is an output of En's weekend class at Julia Gabriel's. He is beginning to enjoy himself now, and of course, he most enjoys the snacks, and has learnt to Q up for his plate of snacks already..
Our little friend does not really like the art session cuz he is afraid of grime, must have gotten the cleanliness gene from his Papa along with pro TV genes.

While it is tedious sometimes to bring him there every saturday and spend 2 hours in class with him, when we just want to nap, it is still an worthwhile effort to start easing him into a school environment. And I must say I think school has done him quite a lot of good, from the initial reluctance and lack of concentration span for long time, we can see his improvement as he becomes more sociable and involved in class, and jumping and dancing when it comes to his fav singing times. Until he starts formal school, this should be adequate stimulation for him I hope!

Mindful Parenting - a solution for time starved parents

I have been busy.. kinda..
Work has been more than overwhelming, I actually lost 2 kgs in a week over a beauty report I was working on... The ultimate irony.. as I was typing all those things which contribute to beauty - such as adequate rest, having a relaxed mind, no eye bags, watch your diet etc etc.. I was physically so NOT doing all those things lor..

So the long and short of it was, I am rather ugly right now.. haha!

Then there is the huge lure of the entertainment aspect of it.
1. Barbie's Boyfriend lent me his PSP game 'Lord of the Rings Tactic' - and i was like - where am I gonna borrow a PSP console to play! and usually ppl borrow games, not consoles.. And so, well, Hubby has been hankering after a mobile console of his own since he got me the DS Lite, as he realise what fun it could be to be continually entertained (think it certainly shut me up when he is driving, no more nosy, pointed remarks abt the route taken or the long time it takes to drive from A to B). So he got a PSP instead, and that got me hooked. I was so torn wanting to play the game, versus reading Harry Potter versus working on my report..

2. Finishing Harry Potter.. For the whole of last week, my highlight of the week was to await the release of the book.. well no spoilers here in case some are still poring over theirs, well I finished, and had most of my guesses confirmed, and my deepest sympathy lies with the most unlikely person.. some time later.. I will write about that and how I think this last book shed the most about family and human nature...

Then, in between times, I was trying to finish my 'Buddhism for Mothers'. I have always propagated the idea of mindful parenting - how i think it is important that when you spend time with your kids, you are REALLY spending time with them, not half heartedly with oyur mind elsewhere. My verdict always been - 1 hr of mindful soulful parenting, beats 18 hours of being around the kids exhaustively. It all boils down to quality, not quantity. and I have been tasting the fruit of my scant but solid time with En..

But here is a passage extract of wonder and importance of Mindfulness in Parenting: (for those who are not familiar with Buddhism, mindfulness is one of the propagated practices in Buddhism allowing one to be disciplined mentally.)

"Susan Murphy is a Zen teacher and mother of two who speaks of mindfulness as 'the gateway out of the steel teeth of time':

The child offers a constant invitation into presence and into play. And you can't play with a child unless you're prepared to be completely present. A creative energy of playfulness grows in us as we grow into our practice. Think of going for a walk with a young child, how incredibly long it takes to cover a block-so many things you have to look at, to comment on and ask questions about. Looking down into a puddle, you discover it's actually a mirror. Is it a mirror or is it a window? Is that us we see in that puddle or is it another world? It looks different to this world. I remember when my daughter was five or six we had to stop every time we moss and we had to walk our fingers through the fairy world like fairies - this little tiny clumps of moss were like fair trees. So walks were very long, and time was very long. It's like the child elongates time till it starts to dissolve. They don't live in our tick-tock time. They force you to put aside for a while your usual goal-oriented behavior. And that's an extraordinary gift and teaching.' "

I find great resonance with the last 3 lines, especially. Without really realising it, I have been trying to practise mindful parenting..

Every morning, I try to go for a walk with En around the estate, before I go to work. The route is routine, the milestones we stop at are routine, but the things we talk about and feel about are different everyday.

Sometimes, I feel tense because I have an important presentation or meeting later in the day. But these walks never feel to calm me, or uplift me, because when I step out of the house with him, I try to put the work out of my mind, because these are our special time together.

It is a small investment of my time, no more than half an our every day, but I am already tasting the rewards.

For those who do not know, En is "Papa-crazy". He shares the strongest affinity from babyhood with My husband. I always attribute it to the fact that they are soulmates (and my aquarian traits generally dun go well with En's Scorpion traits). Of course, hubby spent loads of quality time with Baby En when he was barely months old, and En stuck to him like a glue.

En used to be able to go anywhere so long as Papa is around. I am secondary and I am peripheral - so long as Papa is there.

But eversince moving to College Green, a subtle change seems to be taking place.. and I really attribute it to our daily morning walks. En started insisting I am around, he will not go anyway with Papa without me. And he starts giving me equal share of his attention between me and Papa. and He does not like to go anywhere without both Papa and Mummy.

And even more amazingly, on days when I go on walks with him, he will come back, take off is shoes and bid me goodbye very sweetly. No tears, no tantrum. But on days when I have early morning meetings and have to rush to work without going with him for walks, he wails and cried non stop. So he is not clingy to me, so long as we do our morning routine of walk, he will in fact, very matter of factly, bid me to go work - telling me "mummy go work. Bye bye" and wave me off.

For the past week, on 2 occasions I skip out on our morning walks, and I have to hard-heartedly bear his cries, as he keeps wailing "Mummy go walk, mummyyy" as he sought to put on his shoes and come after me. On those days, i feel really bad.

But day by day, with every half an our walk of pure and total attention on him and his interests, he is contented to spend other times with other people or doing his own things and leaving us alone. That is the power of mindful parenting.

I figured every kid needs some form of attention. Once fulfilled, they need other forms of stimulation which may not require us to be constantly around and engaged with him.

this seems just like a great solution for time starved mums like us. Over weekends, of course, we ought to spend even more mindful times with the kids... to strengthen the bonds and feelings.

So, try it. It does not need to be lengthy period of time - cuz it takes immense skill to be mindful, to notice every little bit of what the id is saying or feeling, and to respond to each of those feelings, and thoughts.. i can't do it for more than half an hour at a time.. try it, and see if that dun make both your kid and you feel better!

lastly, quick updates:

Baby Xuan is getting talkative and screamy - he babbles lots of mumbo jumbo, and screams a lot when he does not gets what he wants. A mighty voice he really have.

En En been expanding his vocab through food. We make it a point to have dinner with him, me and Hubby. We go to different place and try out different dishes, and through that, he learnt prawn (his fav), beef, soup, egg, chicken, "cai" for veg, fries etc.. and he managed to piece together a 4 word sentence yesterday as I was poring over my Harry Potter. He told our maid that "mummy read big book". So my conclusion is he is rather observant for his tender age.. as opposed to Xuan who seems more brawny at present.. :)

Break downs?

Things seem to be breaking down in our house.
The lights are out, the fridge is breaking down..
Relationships break down, and people break down too, I think..

And I am back with Jay Chou..


不能说的秘密

冷咖啡离开了杯垫
我忍住的情绪在很后面

拼命想挽回的从前

在我脸上依旧清晰可见

最美的不是下雨天

是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 回忆的画面

在荡着秋千 梦开始不甜



你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远

又何必去改变你走过的世界

你用你的指尖

阻止我说再见

想象你在身边

在完全失去之前



你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远

或许命运的签只让我们遇见

只让我们相恋

这一季的秋天

飘落后才发现

这幸福的碎片

要我怎么捡

1177 - THE SPECIAL DAY

MIA a while - because...

1. I been busy chasing Harry Potter - counting down to the book release, chasing the movie
2. I have been chasing Jay Chou's latest song, since Ms. Nomad sent me the file, I been listening to it non stop since Last Friday.
3. Cuz work has been a bit overwhelming...

Now, announcement first - i heard my cousin is also pregnant - WOO HOO, welcome to the club. She is expecting a lovely girl.. cool!

And now, THE BIG NEWS!!!!

BABY EN CALLED ME MUMMY!!!!!

It happened on 11 July, in the morning.
When I came down, my mum told me that En told her that I bought him the ham to eat (He knew how to say "No more ham", so I told him previously that I will buy him more ham) - that he knew how to say "Mummy".

Then when i was going to work, he said "Mummy" twice!!
Cool stuff!

These days,the little boy is babbling lots.. Just now, he was trying to put Momo's leash on himself to go walk-walk.

Then he told me "Bing Momo go Kai-kai" (presumably to show off his momo to his cousins).
When I brought him there, he kept touching momo, and saying "touch momo" to Kai Kai and Big Bing, to show them that he dared to touch momo as the 2 cousins were more hesitant to come near momo.

It is a real pleasure hearing him speak.. and conversing with him every morning as we take our morning walk is a real fun!

Now, I promised I will talk about Xuan Xuan.. well we bought him his first toy that belongs entirely to him - previously it was all hand me downs, or even new toys meant for him inevitably En will open them up and have a go at it first.

Hence, we bought him this exersaucer - something that En definitely cannot play!
As usual with toys, they were excited for a while and then they grew bored with them.. it is a heavy investment on our end, hoping that Xuan will enjoy it..

Well.. at least the exersaucer offered him entertainment as well as being upright and allowing him to turn around in his seat to see things. It only lacked the mobility that a walker offered!

(ok.. photos to be updated for this blog.. :)

Books Books Books - Buddhism for Mothers

Just the other night, hubby and I went late night shopping at Borders, and bought over 100 bucks worth of books...

You will think it is a lot right, well, we have 3 physical copies, and 1 ordered copy..
And from my book selections, you will probably find it real odd and eclectic..

I bought the following:

- "Buddhism for Mums" - which I will blog about in a while

- London Eyewitness Travel guide - to plan for the upcoming trip, still some time away but I am trying to see if London is a good place to bring En (Xuan is still too young)

- "Fun Start" book about activities to stimulate babies and toddlers from 0 -5 every day of their lives - relevant still for both En and Xuan

- "Harry Potter 7" - In all the years, this is the first time we are ordering Harry Potter, figured it will be our last chance la.. I can't wait to read this, but am feeling ambivalence too cuz this is the final book and once finished, I will probably have to go through a Cold Turkey phase like I did when I finished all the Dan Brown books... i want to Savor this book.. I am already reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince so that I can better connect and continue with the story when 7 is released..

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Now, on Buddhism for Mothers.. I just started and I already feel very deeply about it. I always believe Buddhism is both a philosophy as well as a way of life.

The book starts on the premise that as mothers, we often feel isolated, alienated and seek for solace and help. It is a ripe time to turn spiritual. I remembered the alienation I felt, the helplessness i experienced and at times, the immense guilt and pain I feel... and I cannot hep but agree..

"As mothers, we are particularly ripe to hear about Buddhism because we have an intimate understanding of 2 of its cornerstones: we understand there is suffering in life, and we have experienced a truer love" - Buddhism for Mothers

This is not my first contact with Buddhism. I have been with Buddhism all my life, and my Hubby even shares the Buddhist traditions and values.

I have enjoyed reading and knowing more about Buddhism because I find that its ideas help me cope with everyday life a lot, and that it is possible to practise Buddhism everyday.

In case you are wondering if this is gonna turn into one of those religion preaching blogs, no worries, I do not like to preach, nor am I in a position to preach. I believe when the time is ripe, one will find one's way.. Much like perhaps what Ms. Nomad is doing..

However, I felt this book has helped distill some of the teachings and made it relevant and applicable for motherhood.. the author is also a practising Buddhist and appreciates the thinking and approach to help her cope with her 2 boys...

Well, I am onto the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism - the first one being "There is Suffering".

"The second reason mothers are ripe to benefit from Buddhism is that we ve' taken an enormous step towards attaining what Buddhists call 'the mind of love'. As we know, motherhood is about far more than suffering; it's also about a mind expanding experience of love"

But best of all, this is the passage from the book that I could empathise with the most, so far...

"As mothers, we discover life is no light experience. We have responsibilities; pitiable amounts of time to ourselves; desperate worries about whether our children are healthy, 'normal' and able to meet the expectations of the judgmental world around them. We suffer guilt that we are not attending to the hundred other things we could be doing. We agonise over our careers, and, in many cases, the loss thereof. In our darker moments we may struggle for self esteem as we watch the worry lines set in and our body parts begin to point down."

I am so gripped! Because as she quotes Buddha's

"I teach suffering, and the end of suffering"..

To be continued.... :)

Babble Babble - Me-Mae

En is really a joy to be with..
And I am not biased! It is just that he is not much more articulate, and he says the funniest things all the time.

Yesterday, it was really a highlight to watch him play with his cousin, reinforcing my view that we have made the right choice to move to College green, just across from his cousins.

For some weeks, he refused to play with Bing Bing and Kai Kai, but yesterday, after some warming up, he was playing with them again!

And it is really fun to see Kai Kai holding hands with En, and bringing him to his house.
And the best part, En will micmick whatever Kai was saying.

So inspiration struck, and I asked Kai to teach En to say "Mummy".
Instead of teaching En to say Mummy, Kai taught En to say 'Me-ma". And it stuck - En just keep saying "me-ma".

The consolation is that En does not call me Me-ma (phew). He calls me "me" sometimes and I can see that he is trying. So that is good enough for me.

He can be a very funny boy, as he was running across the court, in his fervour, he ran into the dustbin. And I cannot help laughing, as he fell, it was hilarious. and he bravely did not cry, which was really sweet.

And he mastered the art of climbing the slide and coming down the slide on his own..
Finally.

Oh, and he likes to play with the broom, mainly to terrorise momo around the deck!
However, he loves to show off to his cousins why he is not afraid of Momo!

I really enjoy playing with him now.. as for xuan xuan, that is another story.

Thinking about Men - Again

I am super tired.. Only 1 night 2 days trip to Bangkok and I am tired.
In the past, I will relish the chance to extend the weekend stay in "City of shopping" instead of rushing back home.. Yes, the rushing bit is making me tired. And also, the fact that knowing when I am home, I play the Mummy role, so I don't feel guilty for being away from them.

Anyways.. on this short trip, I made various observations and and have various thoughts; I think when I am alone, my mind wanders more and I am able to think more without distraction..

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Travelling with kids:

Much as I gripe about SIA often, how I think it is an attas airline and how suay I am whenever I travel on it (such as my Krisworld not working, or headset not working or not being able to order the meal I want), I must say on my recent trip, I observe that it is true that SIA is probably the airline you want to be on when travelling with kids.

Maybe the flight I took was a flight coming in from Osaka, so the crew on board are especially attentive - the Japanese way of attentive.

So this Japanese stewardess and this steward took turns entertaining this kid who cries when he is bored/ scared/ angry/ whatever. Whenever he started wailing, one of them will be there, either distracting the kid, calming the kid, at one point the steward even took the little boy (no more than 2years old) up and down the aisle and showing him the techy things they use to communicate etc (you know all those flat panels).

Cool stuff.. some seats behind me, a foreign family had to battle with 2 kids not agreeing to sit near each other. The crew immediately helped them change seats with other wiling passengers.

All in all i am impressed. After all, I am the one who has this impression that these stewardess all dunno how to handle kids kind, or are superficial or not v sincere. But the crew I was travelling with struck me as sincere and genuine in attending to the comfort of the passengers and I appreciate that.

So for our coming trip to London, I am considering still, if I am bringing En. For sure, I will be on SQ, but well, let me get my Eyewitness and I can check out if London is kid friendly..

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Appreciative of Singapore- in providing an environment of OPPORTUNITIES for our kids

Thailand has been plagued with instability recently, and now, I started seeing those rectangular sensor things in all shopping malls. In the past, I only need to be screened to enter shopping malls in Manila or Jakarta. So in my mind, Thailand is now in that league of "unsafe" states.

I hope it is temporary, but it is a fact that they have heightened the security measures in lieu of the stuff happening in the cities.

In any case, 2 incidents made me think very hard about how we Singaporeans should be more appreciative of our nation, no matter whether we are pro-PAP or not, because the fact is our country leaders have done some good stuff along the way to reach where we are.

Incident 1: Talking to my Thai friend, who is 29 and single, recently broke up with her boyfriend, and she was lamenting to me over dinner about the struggle she felt in looking for a partner. It seems like Thai men (at least the more successful ones) are a tad "promiscuous". And according to her, they seem to lack that "integrity" or strong backbone that she appreciate in men. They seem less responsible and less willing to think about settling down and having a family.

So the search for the responsible family man continues for her.
And I think back to quite the number of Singapore men I know, who though are not really rich and all, but all make good family men material. Maybe that is why a lot of women like Singaporean men, they have that drive to excel at work, are learning or have learnt to be sensitive, and for many, are quite good father material. Our nation probably did something right about the NS i am thinking.. But we also provided an opportunity for men in general here, I feel, which leads me to Incident 2.

Incident 2: I met this non jaded, young and full of enthusiasm taxi driver on my way to airport. It is one of his few trips to the new airport, and he belongs to one of those "newbies" in my mind, not the usual jaded, cynical taxi drivers.. he came across as genuine and sincere, and enjoying what he does, chatting with me along the way about numerous things, struggling with English but determine to learn more about us - the foreigners.

And as we reach the airport, after bidding me good bye, I saw him, standing by his cab, looking in awe and pride at the new Thailand airport (which I personally quite like as well). What struck me was his shoes. He had on this pair of white scuffy canvas shoes (remind of Jack Neo's movie 跑吧, 孩子), with his feet wearing them as if they are slippers.

And the look on his face, as he stood there long after I was almost to the doors of the airport. I cannot stop looking back at him, as he stood next to his taxi, looking around, admiringly. And then he waved goodbye to me as I near the airport doors, almost disappearing into the airport.

On my last look, him and his cab, in the midst of many other can drivers like him, who are either helping the passengers with luggage or stepping into their cabs to drive off - all functional or caught in their tasks, too caught in their tasks to take time to admire what this new airport means to them, my heart felt for this young driver filled with hope and enthusiasm for what he is doing. To him, the new airport probably represent something positive and hopes for his future (maybe its my imagination in overdrive).

Yet, another part of me, the greater part of my heart, ached as I am so scared that some years down the road, his wonder, awe and enthusiasm may be jaded or plagued by his life experiences, when he struggled to fight life's many battles/ one of them the fight against moving upwards or getting more for oneself.

Now that I have kids, I always wonder about the world my kids will grow up in.
As middle class singaporeans, we never really think about poverty. Hardly, to be brutally honest.

And we always know we can excel and make it in our society if we try hard enough - i.e. if accordingly Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we are in a stage where we are past caring for our basic physical functional needs.

We are all looking at more at fulfilling our esteem needs, and for many of us, looking at our self actualization needs (the highest rung of the hierarchy).

And we never really think about how lucky that we can just focus on these. That we do not need to fight against living/ lifehood/ survival itself.

We are just looking for the next better job to fulfill our dreams, to look at the better school for our kids etc. We are confident that our kids will not need to fight poverty - as our society continues to offer opportunities for them so long as we as parents do not screw up (like living beyond our means and not planning ahead for them) and they are willing to put in equal share of hard work.

In a nutshell, as parents, we have laid the foundation for their success, and our society also ensured that our future generation will not need to battle hardships of survival/ daily functional needs.

And many of us took it for granted - this macro evironment which was created to ensure there are always opportunities for everyone to excel if they try hard enough. When I look at these men in Thailand, particularly this young man full of enthusiasm and hopes for the future, I cherish those traits so much - because to me, they seem so fragile, likely to be overridden by the challenges that they have to face in life.

I am SO FEARFUL that this young man will lose them one day, or he will lose them eventually one day, in face of his battle against social upward mobility, in face of the limitations or parameters he faces daily.

I think we have so much to be thankful for. I will feel really sad if my sons have big dreams , but even en route to realising them is a barrier because the society does not really allow for it, because the economic social classes are actual barriers to what you can achieve.

In times like this, I appreciate Singapore, and all the hardwork that had been put into it...
And again, I count my blessings, for my kids.

Weekly Dinner Bonding

I dunno when it happened, but we started having family dinner (Hubby, me and En) out once a week.

Our favourite is at Ma Mason, where they had the family treat where dad gets a beer, mum gets dessert and kid gets a toy.

However, we are also trying to discover the hang out joints around our neighbourhood, where there are various famous quiet haunts frequented by the people around the estate.

This family dinner thing usually happens on a Friday, and it is a great opportunity to observe how far En has come, and a good training ground for his independent feeding and table manners.

We are lucky that En likes to eat. So the fork and spoon and cup alone are enough toys for him. And when the food is served, he goes "wa..".

Today, we just discovered La Nonna. Fantastic Italian place, near my birthplace - around the Namly area. A quiet classy joint tucked away in a small corner of the street.

We have our usual family dinner today probably cuz I will be travelling tomorrow.
I had oven baked ribs, marinated in rosemary, it was good. Hubby has a rich oven baked lagsana. Oh, the starter lobster bisque is to die for.. better than the one I like at Triple3. En did not dare to try, (cuz I think he thought it was spicy Tom Yam soup)!

The ambience of the place is lovely, quaint, classy and quiet.
The food is superb. The italian wine list is tempting, but hubby and I agreed that we will jio Alv and Luci here the next time and we can dine and wine.

We had tiramisu (Hubby's favourite) for dessert and it is one of the best I have tried.
As for En, well he loved the bread.. hahah!
He took the bread and started munching on the bread. Cool.. it is another sage of his independent feeding. And he is stating preferences as well, it is not as easy to fool him these days or get him to try new stuff.

Still, he is a good companion at the meals, occasionally carrying on quite a conversation with us (on dolls, more please, papa mum mum, good, nice, giggles giggles).

And he enjoys feeding himself and dining with us.
I really thank super nanny for socialising him into loving his food.

We are having a bit of problem with Xuan, I hope all turn out well and we will love to have the 2 boys dining out with us.

Xuan Xuan - buck up and mum mum your cereal ok?!

Acceptable Flaw Concept - for relationship and for parenting

I have recently been introduced to the concept of acceptable flaw at work.

Everyone is allowed an acceptable flaw, which is overlooked and accepted, which does not detract from his/ her overall performance at work. It is a flaw, nonetheless, except that the other strengths of the worker overrride this flaw, and this flaw then became an acceptable flaw.

I thought it made quite a lot of sense.

So when i today sat and pondered about my state of current affairs at home, I started to wonder if this concept is applicable at home.

Perhaps, the recent saga with hubby can be viewed in this light.
And perhaps, all along, he is more savvy of this concept than I am..
And I am beginning to think that this concept is vital to the balance of a relationship.

Relationship experts have always cautioned that we should pick our fights and always focus on the positives of our partners, and recognise the negatives.

What this Acceptable Flaw concept adds to the above is that once we start to see our partners' weakness/ less desirable traits as part of their acceptable flaws (hopefully, there are not too many of them), then the relationship can exist in harmony.

For instance:

Hubby: Absent-mindedness - an acceptable flaw
Wife: Grouchiness in the morning before breakfast - an acceptable flaw
Hubby: A TV freak - an acceptable flaw
Wife: A compulsive control freak -an acceptable flaw

If we start reminding ourselves that there are threshold of acceptance and tolerance, and think deeply if things that made us unhappy fall within the scope of acceptable flaw, we will be happier.

I am not saying everyone is untitled to a long list of acceptable flaw, cuz that will defeat the purpose. But everyone of us is entitled to a few acceptable flaws, these little weaknesses that characterise us and we are helpless to change.

We accept these flaws and these flaws do not override the overall attractiveness/ strengths of a person. It is important to see and recognise that. Cuz no one is perfect.

I think this concept is applicable to parenting too.
Kids are entitled to acceptable flaws.

This should curb the compulsive urge to correct and discipline them all the time.
At present, En's stubborn-ness is an acceptable flaw. It is not something that we necessary agree with, but it is a vital part of his character and instead of picking and focusing on that, we ca channel our energy to other aspects of him which may require our attention.

So, I think this is a really great idea.
At work, we all have our acceptable flaw, e.g. I am less of a numbers person but my sensitivity to people and things more than make up for my lack of sharpness when I looks at tables and tables of numbers in my trade.

As a partner, I have quite a number of acceptable flaws, but so long as we know the acceptable flaws of each other, and that hubby will not turn to other woman because of these acceptable flaws, it makes the relationship more resilient.

As a mum, I allow for acceptable flaws in my kids, and focus on reinforcing the positive aspects of his character formation, and it enables us to build our relationship on the positives rather than to dwell on the negatives, thereby strengthening their positive areas to override the negative aspects.

I hope this thinking throws new light in your life too, as it did mine.

Baby Shrek...

So I have decided to go on living. Hubby said some things, I said some things.. some time down the road I will forget about these things, until something happens again. Life is liddat lor. Thanks for everyone's concern. I dunno if I am over it yet. I am just keeping my distance to be safe. I went to cut my hair - a sure sign of being at the end of my limits. Cutting hair is therapeutic for me. And i always do that when my life is in the dumps.

Anyway, I been travelling last week, hence, been feeling ultra tired, and possibly the reason for my short fuse too.

I gonna travel again this Friday. and will only be back on Saturday. Darn. burn my weekend.

Dun think the boys miss me much when I am away.

En, these days, is very good at saying, very matter of factly, when you ask him where Mummy is - "Go work".
Daddy goes work, mummy goes work. Momo goes "walk walk". Di-Di *he makes snoring sounds* to express Xuan Xuan sleeping. He knows everyone's routine well.

So when I am not around, I "goes work".
I should be glad that he is coping so well.. without me.
but then, i just wish he misses me more. Maybe that is what soulmates and non soulmates are all about. He is hubby's soulmate. So even when Hubby is in SG, he clings on to him like there is no tomorrow.

I is not his soulmate, so even when I am far far away, he seems unperturbed.
Hubby and I are not soulmates, according to the horoscope.

Been back to the problem of looking for a baby sitter.
Still looking...

Outta desperation, we went to interview this nanny who has a mentally slow kid.
While I am open and all, I still find the encounter a bit uneasy and uncomfortable.
The gal is quite grown up, at least 15-16 yrs old.
She sits on the floor, carefully observing us when we went into the house.

The nanny was a cheerful "lao lian" - the karaoke system in her house and the patent flashy shoes on the shoe racks outside her house gave her away (and sorry, the patent shoes dun look new hor, i doubt she bought them cuz patent shoes are so in now lor, you know what i mean, she is probably one of those blink blink queen). Oh, and of course, trust my in home observation skill to play a huge role in such cases.

anyway, then the gal started calling out "jie jie-why!" she yelled.
I don't know what to answer, so i kept quiet.
She kept repeating it till I had to say, "hello, why what?"

Then she inched closer to where I sat and started touching my skirt.
Me really real scared lor.

I am just not comfortable around her. and I abhor this weakness in me.
It is a weakness. It means my compassion does not override the social prejudices that are insidiously ingrained in me.

I heard she was not born this way, she became this way after a high fever.
and i do feel for her.
And then I told ms. nomad that i realise the POWER OF MONEY.

I noticed in the past that kids with Down's who are from the more well to do family seem to cope better and develop better. Probably cuz the parents are able to afford all those enrichment things/ the means to bring them out to socialise them and exposure them etc.

This nanny told me she can't go out because of her gal - if I read correctly in between the lines, she probably never brings her anywhere and seeking help to improve her gal's condition is probably beyond her affordability.

So i have come to the conclusion that - say what you want, but end of the day, money buys a lot in this world.
If the bad really happens, at least money can help ease the situation somewhat, and in this case, probably, offering this girl a better quality of life.

Then again, no one says that life is fair - so get a grip.
We just have to do our best.

And so the search for a good nanny continues.
But with En's supernanny as benchmark, I think everyone we meet so far falls short to some extent.

Anyway, here are some photos - i just got my camera cable back, so I can upload photos again! hooray!

Oh, i heard someone say that my son is cute - "the older one" - see, our society is so not forgiving lor, even babies are not spared. If you are born with a kawaii face, you are already 1 step ahead. From birth, xuan been compared to his more cute looking kor-kor - even the nurses at the hospital said that kor kor is more handsome... Life is unfair .. but Xuan Xuan is my baby shrek.. who knows one day he may marry a princess.. right?!

Wondering... about marriage.

This is probably the darkest entry I have thought of writing to date..
Sometimes, the hectic-ness of being a parent, a worker, a spouse and all just passes us by.. till something kinda knock us on the head, and we start wondering..

It is like waking up from a dream, or coming to the end of the road, and have us wondering how we ended up where we are.

Being parents does that to us a lot, I think. And being married beyond 3 years also does that to us I think.

It is like this constant state of "the present" just sweeps us along, and blinds us to it.
Till we are jolted awake by some incident, usually unpleasant, and we wonder if we are part of this iceberg that keeps snowballing/ freezing without us realising it till it has become huge. And we start thinking. and WONDER-ing..

about this something that is so now huge that what has gone into its building is unknown, or is forgotten. But the end result is there - this big mountain of an obstacle.

I am feeling something like that now.

When an iceberg gets that huge, you feel that you cannot undo the past - all those little freezing that has gone into building this huge obstacle.

After all, the chinese saying puts it very aptly, 冰冻三尺, 非一日之寒. We probably can't remember what has happened along the way, but we have the results of it slowly accumulating..

And now, what can we do when we have this realisation?
I can't undo the past, and i can't move forward with this baggage.
Because it will be a difficult journey. All these unpleasantness weighing us down. And also because we are collapsing under the weight, and I don't think we can hold out till the end.

As I was thinking about this, I vaguely remember something someone told me before, some Very Very Long ago. And now it is all beginning to make sense.

" I choose to live, because death is too painful. But living is not without its pain, because you know the path forward is difficult and full of pain too, as you have already started doubting if happiness ever exist for you."

Doubts are powerful stuff. They make everything appear unreal. They make one unsure. And worst of all, it makes one lose hope and feel like giving up.

Marriage after kids is hard. No doubts about it.
Sometimes I feel like I exist in this marriage without paying attention to it, without realising it and without caring for it.

We hardly have time to stop and think. And when we do, like I am now, it is almost always bad stuff. Thinking about it wont make it better. We don't have the time, nor the energy nor effort to make it better.

Seriously, it takes a lot of hard work. And realistically, our current lives have not time for it.
Is lack of time an excuse? Sounds a lot like it, but it is also the reality.

I am beginning to understand why it is possible for marriages to fall apart after kids. And why people start getting tired of their partners, or get to the point of not being able to tolerate their partner. Maybe because other things have become more important than the partner, such as the daily rigour and frustration that come with kids/ work and stuff.

It is like one always live life as it is, to suddenly realise everything has changed.
Some things have changed without you realising. People and their emotions have changed,. We ourselves have changed. The way we do things and deal with things have changed.

And the gap causes conflict and dissatisfaction. But this gap is made up of so many many things that may have happened in the past, and making one wonder how to fill it up.

Most of the time, it is easier to just ignore it and move on.
After all, we can just persist in staying with the current unpleasant moment.

Then, the problem is not solved or resolved. that unpleasant moment just get frozen, and goes into the formation of this iceberg.

I am facing this ice berg. and wondering.
I can light set it afire, and burn all the past away. But we will burn ourselves in the process.

I can continue freezing, till I reach a stage when I am even more numbed about it.
It feels like it is too much to get past... and yet too tiring for one to deal with it.

And so, we let the iceberg continue drifting....

有时, 不是你做得多, 我做得少, 就够了
没有在一起的意义, 或享受在一起的过程, 还是走不到很远
你我都达不到我们所要的
但, 什么都不做, 可以吗?
做的都是为你我之外的人, 忽列了我们.

可能我太笨, 不能把你所做的, 看成爱的体现.

保恩三步曲

Momo has returned to our house again.
And as I stayed at home today, with the 2 boys, our dog and my husband, I realise this is what I have always envisaged as my happy family.

Some years back - my ideal family would consist of hubby and our dogs - 2 corgis.
But now, I think life is about as good as it gets.

The rings of en's excited screams and paddling feet as he tries to out-run momo or chase Momo..
The gurgles of Xuan as he lies on his mega mat, and me watching them .. it is a very nice feeling.

At night, with only me and hubby, and Momo at our feet, that is also a great feeling.

Complete - i think that is the word. I will still like to have another dog, maybe when the boys are older, but as it is, the dynamics are good. En has momo as a companion to keep him occupied and expands his scope of mischief, and Xuan watches the antics of them both.

Whatever that has transpired, what we have come to today is worth it.

******************************************************************

Back to my 3 recent discoveries of En:

1. I discovered another way in which En adores his dad. Food is En's only weakness.. when all else fails, he can get to him through food. Last weekend, I prepared him his snack, in hpes of instilling in him the concept of sharing, since his self-centredness has gotten from bad to worst. And I can't imagine how he will cope in childcare with the other kids.

So I taught him to share his snack with us. To feed me, feed papa and feed aunty mel.
Just now, as he was eating his snack, he took bit of the snack and went to find Papa to feed him. Upon dropping the cookie in Papa's mouth, he has this big grin and felt really pleased with himself.

Of all people, he only wanted to feed Papa. That says a lot.
And oh, he fed Momo too, with Momo eating the cookie off his fingers. Any talk of En being afraid of Momo is really ludicrous!


2. En loves chairs and TV. He love to sit in front of the TV and watch TV. That can keep him occupied for quite some time. BUt today, he took Xuan's BumBo seat - dragged it out from under the table and plong himself in it in front of the TV. Quite hilarious!

3. My little baby has grown up. He is feeding himself, and learning new phrases pretty fast.
in addition to car, he now knows buses, and in different colours, sport car, and when asked where i was, he would say "go work" and I have recently taught him to say "More Please" and he does that endearingly whenever he wants to snitch our food.

In preparation for his childcare, We started calling him Bao En, and asking him who is Bao En and teaching him to respond with "me". Of course, if the childcare starts to call him Ethan, I am not sure if he will answer at all!!

Thanks.. & Rights & Wrongs of Parenting..

Many thanks to everyone who have expressed either empathy, or encouragement upon reading my last blog, through the comments or through the SMSes.. it helps to know that I am not the only struggling mum in the universe... it is good to share and receive encouragement..

In any case, it has been a challenging week for us all.. and Hubby and I did a couple of stuff to de-stress..

Went for late night supper yesterday, and met J3 at a restaurant in Holland. Jay -who you may ask - the Superband group who made it to the top 3, remember? Well, the lead singer was wearing his signature hat - in green... hmmm..

Well, so both me and hubby were at various stages of working (him calling and me sms-ing) while trying to have our supper in peace.. one odd moment was when he was holding on to my hand, and talking to another gal on the phone.. kinda a strange feeling..

Today, we went to check out the childcare for En at Faith Montessori.. It was quite a nice place, and NJ's nephews go there as well, so En will have company. The person in charge was telling us that some parents have problem letting go of their kids are childcare -and we had to tell her that that was the least of the problem, the bigger problem for us was how En may traumatose the teachers & the other kids with his tantrums and rage. haha!

Thought of checking out Pat's school house.. but the thing is - it would be like me checking out Tan Yoong back when I was choosing THE wedding dress.. after Tan Yoong there is no way back as Tan Yoong easily beat the rest hands down, at least for my taste la.

So going to check out a big brand school such as Pat's, which came highly recommended by many, i am just concerned that we may just suffer cognitive dissonance after that and have problem reconciling the choice..

*********************************************************************

In any case, I want to talk about the rights and wrongs of parenting.. given our recent discovery.

Situation 1: Your kid was playing happily with the dog, with joyous sounds of barks and excited screams sounding, till suddenly your kid started crying. Why? Because the dog had, in its exuberance in chasing after the kid's feet, scared the kid a little.

What does the parent/ caregiver do in this case?

What I saw: The person telling the kid not to play with the dog.

Situation 2: It is known that kids pick up the bad stuff more readily than the good stuff from their peers.

So what does the parent/ care giver do?

What I knew: The person prevents the internalising of bad habits by preventing the kid from playing with other kids in the outdoors.

The above 2 examples are extremely bad parenting to me.
In both cases, the kid is not given a chance to learn from the situations.
In 1, the kid had an excellent chance to learn how to get along with the dog and how to defend and care for himself in face of a playful dog, but by asking the kid not to play with the dog, the kid will never learn this skill. How many times can the parent/ care taker prevent the kid from playing with the dog - all his life?

In 2, instead of teaching or discipling the kid, the easy way of preventing the kid from mixing with other kids is opted. In this case, what have we taught our kids? How can we be so totally protective that we can always prevent/ limit bad influences from influencing our kids?!

If we do not discipline, or teach, the kid will never learn.
Is this such a difficult concept to comprehend?!!

I know grandparents hate to discipline the kid, but is the solution then to limit the exposure of the kid?

In that case, why not just lock the kid up in a cage and preserve the kid. That way, you can be sue the kid will not be "tainted".

I am extremly upset. Because all these gestures of over-protectiveness are SO VERY wrong.

I have 2 boys. I want them to grow up into strong and independent young men who have a mind of their own, and imbued with an integrity strong enough that they will not be easily swayed by the environment.

I despise weakling. I despise men who cannot cope with problems or are so weak willed that they shrink away in fear in face of adversity.

I have absolutely no intention of bringing up my boys in a cloistered and stifling environment where their sense of adventure and exploration and curiosity are killed by over protectiveness.

I have always been rebellious. wanting to try everything at least once. And now i kinda know how i have become that way. When you try to shield the kids too much or have too many parameters for them, the only option you left for them is to rebel and break free from the cage you have cloistered them in.

I refuse to do that for my sons. A healthy dose of exploration, curiosity and dare devil adventurous spirit is good.

At 1.5 yrs, En has been up and down the stairs in our home on his own. Any care taker's nightmare. But kids are not stupid. They also possess a certain survival instinct. We have carefully watched En's attempts up and down the stairs. I do not stop him when he wants to try them. The only rule I have is that he should always let us know. Of course he does not always follow that, so we just keep an extra pair of eyes on him all the time. It is tiring, it is not easy. But eventually, it is better to let him figure out how to navigate the stairs and be confident that he can handle it then to think that he is gonna fall and not let him try at all.

I am SO frustrated. But unless I stay at home, I unfortunately don't have full control over how my kids should be brought up.

And i will hate for my boys to be wimps.
Even En as challenging as his temperament is, I always appreciate his strong sense of likes and dislikes (for people, for situation etc) - give me that anytime, than one who is un- engaged and uninvolved or uninterested in anything.

So right now. I Am thinking of quitting. Maybe. Just maybe!

Dis-stressing days..

It is all finally coming to an end. The closing of curtains. The End. Fin..

We have to look for a new nanny for my kids. My mum claimed she was too stressed out from looking after our kids. That the kids are causing her to pop pills, spoil her health etc etc... Makes me wonder what the 2 boys do at home to cause such distress to Grandma.. or simply Grandma is feeling the psychological stress of tending to kids..

I think she belongs to the group of people who can't take care of kids.
Some people are like that. But I wished she had been more upfront about it.
I thought she would be able to hang in there till En goes to childcare like 2 yrs old.. only about 3 more mths away or so..

But looking at the list of grievances faced, I think the end is here.

We looked for a new nanny in 3 days.
She is not the best, nor the most ideal..

But i give up, or maybe i give in.
To sub-standard care..

Then again, who says that they can't care better than my mum, who is after all, a novice at looking after kids.

These nannies are experts in their field.

I dunno what is the best scenario anymore.
I supposed I could consider doing part time to stay home with the kids...

I think, maybe, we stumbled upon the reason why Singaporeans do not give birth to kids, because there is no one to look after their kids.

Many of our parents come from the "Enlightened" era. Financial freedom, golden years are their theme songs. They do not live to look after our kids. How many can be like the dad of my ex classmate, who is super hands on with her new born baby? I really take my hat off HH's dad..

Hence, the rise of institutional childcare. Commercial entities dedicated to solve the modern mum's problem.

But like Von say, nothing beats actual grandparents' care.. But perhaps, En and Xuan are not very lucky babies, as their grandparents are not very committed to their care..

Then again, if we ourselves do not care for our kids, how can we expect our parents to do the job for us... Life is full of such tensions, such conflicts...

I refuse to feel bad. That I have chosen not to be a stay at home mum for the kids.
But do I really want En and Xuan to grow up amid strangers?
I do not have an answer.

Pinocchio - When was the last time you told a lie?

Hubby and I worked real late today. And i ended up not seeing Xuan for an entire day (when I woke up he fell asleep, when I came home, he was asleep too!)

Luckily En and I went for our morning walk this morning. Hubby was not in the best of moods as he felt bothered by work.

We went for late night grocery shopping, and I wanted a MacD Sundae to complete my lousy day.
I bought the Shrek monster band too.. planning to let En wear it tomorrow as I heard my mum tell me his monster stories - refusing to share toys, snatching toys from his cousin, pushing Xuan away from my mum.. sigh all the notti stuff surfacing again...

And then Hubby and I had the most amazing conversation..
It all started when he said the following - outta nowhere as we stepped outta McD and I was gorging on my ice cream:

Hubby: Maybe I should start collecting Pinocchio from all over the world?
Me: ???????
*and in my mind, i went from why Pinocchio...* to
Me: What lesson did you learn from Pinocchio? to
Me: When was the last time you told a lie? * getting excited - wondering whether he will tell me the truth, hekkhek hek*
Hubby: *thinks for a moment and sheepishly shrugs* We tell many lies everyday.. at work.. (and something I cannot blog here for political reasons)
Me: Wah! actually so did I - I just lied to someone about having things lined up and not sure if I am available in Friday... but then it is not exactly a lie, cuz I do have things lined up.. not exactly a lie!

We are all such fine liers, we even lie to ourselves.. hahaha!
And we do it like we breathe, like we talk, like its a natural thing to do, without any guilt.

Maybe - just maybe - there are certain degree of lying versus truthfulness.
I.e. Maybe - if the truth of the lie does not have any consequences on others, it is not considered a lie.

Example: I lied that I ate chicken instead of fish to Hubby - but because that lie does not have any impact of both of us, it is not really considered a lie.

However, if I had been out with a man, but lied that I was actually with a gal, and the truth of this lie will have dire consequences if Hubby knows about it, then this is a real lie..

Agree?! We all never think of ourselves as great liers, but we so are!

Now, then how to tell our kids not to lie? I read that we ought to behave in the way we want our kids to behave.

Hence, that means Hubby and I have to stop lying, whether the truth of the lies have impact on others or not. Or else, we will not come across as very convincing role models for our boys...

But think about it - when is the LAT TIME YOU TOLD A LIE? NOT so long ago isn't it?
Tell me if you have not told a lie in the past 7 days.

____________________________________________
Recruitment screener for respondents who are truthful:

Q: When was the last time you told a lie?

- last hour - 1
- within the last 12 hours - 2
- within the last 24 hours - 3
- 3 days ago - 4
- More than one week ago - 5

Terminate all the Pinocchios coding 1-4! Recruit those non-Pinocchios who coded 5! :)

Missing My kids..

I have missed 2 days of walks with en already..
Tomorrow, I will have to go into office early again..

And i heard my boy dream about his grandma in his dreams..
sometimes I feel I am very distant to him..

Quite upsetting..
Somehow last time when we have to pick him back from babysitter's place, he seems to have a better sense of who his family are..

*warp*
And i don't even see Xuan when i get home..
Last time, en will always see us before he goes to sleep..
I think all these are bad.. but what can I do?

TMD...FAT

TMD!!!! %#$@%^&**

Someone called me fat in my face over the weekend.. I think that Mr. L dun want to live aldy..

Then again, because we have not met for the longest time, and have much to catch up, I decided not to be too hard on him.

Still, TMD! I think our society not v forgiving to FAT women lor. And thank god I am fat cuz I contribute to the national job of having kids.After giving birth, ppl are FAT right? How many can be like the hollywood stars or like Zoe Tay with the Bikini Abs to show after childbirth? I need plastic surgery lor..

But, Imagine if I am just FAT - period. With no childbirth as excuse.. how?!!!

Later on, i rationalised that I must be darn thin previously for ppl to call me FAT in my face. And this is not the first time. And every time.. it kinds hurts..

I mean, I am 50 kg, and yet ppl call me fat.
And yet, our society went on and on about not being superficial, being concerned with the rising cases of bulima and anorexia. BUT, can we really help it if we are called FAT and are assessed based on our physical shape by the men around us?!!!!!! it planted the evil seed if my hubby will see me as FAT and hence, end up looking and preferring at other gals who are thin.. (hence, my point again that men ought to have more substance than just an airhead).. and hence leading to divorce la, la la... *imagination in overdrive*

Does every problem have a physical look problem attached to it at the end of the day????

Blooody hell.. I was a perfect S size gal.. now I am fluctuating in between depending on the brand and which country clothes i am buying. I don't think I am fat, but on occasions like these, I have lots of self doubts..

I think I betta go for more yoga and massage sessions in the coming months. TMD!

My 2 sons, you better dun be so shallow!

MY VERDICT - HOLIDAYS SANS KIDS...

Took leave on Friday, and was supposed to be away in Japan or in Bali..
But we ended up in Sentosa.. quite the anti-climax.

We brought our kids and all.. and well, packing for a 1 day trip seemed like packing for a year long trip, the number of baggage we had was unbelievable..

We got en a new bathing suit, thinking he will love the pool, turn out he wailed all the while when he was in the pool!!! The room was great, the family suite lived up to its name, it was huge, spacious and luxurious, but we re-configured the room to accommodate the kids.. turn it upside down in the end.. I pity the chamber staff.. sorriez..

I thought En will be excited by the fish in the Underwater world.. while he was quite fascinated with the stingrays.. he cried all the way, saying he is scared, on the round-about in the underwater world..

I can't remember what i enjoyed about the holiday..
Well, the only moments I kinds enjoyed was watching Soda Green performed at the 我报 concert.. and having drinks with friends at the Cafe Del Ma after that.. other than that..

I think come September when Hubby and I go London, I have decided NOT to bring kids along.. I want to go to the plays, the museums and of course the famous London clubs.. bringing the kids along will be quite a hassle..

And I have not even thought about the amount of excess luggage I have to pay yet!! *shudder* no no...

Men - Looks versus Character

Now that I have 2 boys, I do spend some time *dreaming* about the kind of men they will turn into.. Of course I have many points of reference - from the men I admire lah..

Eh, given the recent movies and drama series I have been chasing, there are quite a few men salient in my mind now..

Let's see, last week has been the "admire Orlando bloom" week cuz we caught P.O.C last Sunday.

The for past weeks, we been watching the 2006 re-make of Return of the Condor Heroes and got addicted to the Yang Guo character.

Then last month, we finished the Japanese show 'Engine' showing Takuya Kimura and I so love both him and the character in the show.



But looks aside, boys/ men ought to have "substance". No, they NEED to have substance.
We woman are not stupid.. at least many of us are not.

Hence, I hope my boys will be lucky to have both some appearance and lots of character...

For now, En seems quite photogenic.. i love to take pictures of him cuz he is so cute.. and cheeky in front of the lens..

Xuan, on the other hand, seems more charismatic than anything else. When he does not smile, he seems v "fierce" but once he breaks into a smile, with his 2 cute dimples, i just melt.. he is not the classic cutey-pie, but he is a v nice bb to be around..

On our recent trip to Sentosa, we saw some youths with dyed hair and I started imagining if both boys turn out like that - like a Cao Ah beng, I will be really aggravated...

then again, I believe everyone ought to try some things at least once.. so... I am a bit torn about that.. sigh...