En in Action

I have not taken any new photos this week. Cuz I am back to work.

I miss the kids when I am at work. Am thinking of getting some cameras of I can just tune in and watch them when I have some time, like at lunch or something.

Meanwhile, I captured the following last week before I went back to work.

En was trying to get into Xuan Xuan's rocker when Xuan Xuan went to sleep in his cot. He was trying to stuff himself in, which was quite hilarious.

Then he finally fell asleep for his nap in his own cot.

Happening happening Happening...

Think I must be trying to maximise my time with the kids before I gotta start work on Monday, so we did soo many things this weekend..

First we brought En with us when we went bowling on Saturday, and we all have fun. He is now at the age where it is much easier to bring him with us everywhere we go. A bottle of water, a change of diaper and clothes and off we go - assuming we have fed him his main meals at home already. So En first clung onto us while we bowl with our friends, and then devoted a lot of time munching the fries away - he is really into adult food, this little boy.

On Sunday bright and early, we brought the 2 babies to the Botanic Gardens for a Mac-nic (tabao MacD breakfast for us along with our picnic mat and tiny chairs)- En wearing his fireman hat and Xuan Xuan wearing his brother's hand me down. It was great! We saw a corgi and miss Momo so much. We will being Momo there along with the kids the next time.

Then after En had his noon nap, we brought him out to The Better Toy Store again, to buy him and and Xuan Xuan a toy each. And we saw Ivy Lee (ya, the Mediacorp actress) with her daughter and the twins browsing and buying stuff in the store too. She looks really good, slender and pretty - my inspiration as a Fashionista mum!

I am feeling a tad sad to be returning to work - I think I will miss the kids lots, esp. Xuan Xuan. Drastically different from the last time - when I was looking forward to go back to work - now I felt apprehensive about going back to work. Maybe cuz the time with them these 3mths had really bonded us together, maybe it's a new job, maybe i just started to have more maternal instinct? Sigh.. But is different when one is at home hearing the baby giggles, watch the new antic that En is up to, hear the new words that En has articulated, see the new expressions that Xuan Xuan has, and I will really miss all that..

Then I have to figure out the logistics of expressing Breastmilk while at work. Quite some hassle lugging the stuff there and storage etc etc... not to mention the embarrassment -- yweks!

For the remaining few hours before I resume my role as working mum, I just want to relish these photos of my 2 precious babies.. sob sob...

Missing Xuan Xuan

I was just telling hubby the other day, that Xuan Xuan is just SO sweet.

Sweet is an adjective which I have never used to describe En En. En is cute, amusing, funny, exuberant, energetic and vibrant.

But Xuan Xuan is just sweet, lovely and sweet.
He has this quality about him which just brings a big smile to my face when I look at him.

En makes me laugh a lot, and makes me happy.
But Xuan xuan brings me quiet joy, and lots of it.

Maybe it is the horoscope compatibility thing, but I don't think that is the only reason.

Xuan Xuan never demands, but he always captivates.
In his own quiet way, he draws one to him, and the enchantment begins.
When he flashes you a smile and begin to babbles to you, it just makes me feel lucky and blessed to be in his presence.

I will miss him so much when I return to work..
Missing him in a different way from which I will miss En..

En More Fries

Took this clip when En was at KFC at the zoo the other day.

First trip to the zoo.
First time eating a french fries on his own.
First time stretching for more fries.



I just love these candid moments, and I hope he will enjoy it next time too...

Weekend At the Zoo

Thanks to Ah Si's corporate card for the Zoo, we were able to bring the kids to the zoo for 2 days straight over the past weekend! Yes, on both Sat and Sun. Free mah, coupled with the fact that if you are bringing kids, chances are you can't finish the zoo in one day.

So on day 1, we brought Xuan xuan along too.. He slept on most of the trip, only waking up for a while when we were about to go home..


En went on both days, and he seems enamored with the Polar bear - cuz he kept saying "bear" and the Kangaroo that can "Jump".. He was also enchanted by the Jaguar which could swim and jump and leap. He was a tad stunned that the animals are so much larger than those he had seen in the book..such as his giraffe and elephants.

So we roamed the western part of the zoo on Day 1, and then the eastern part of the zoo on Day 2. And we manage to see most of the animals in the zoo.

Although, personally, I am a bit disturbed by the various qualifiers we saw in the zoo along the way - such as why the Polar Bear is not snowy white (and almost bald as there were huge patches of grey skin on Inuka) and why the camels seem thinner than they should be (with signs assuring us that they were well fed). Hmm..

And I realised why I enjoyed the reserves that we visited in Australia and in the US more, cuz the weather was a lot better and walking was less tedious at 20plus degree instead of the sizzling 30 degrees Celsius! But the Zoo had improved much over the years - they actually have huts labelled CoolZone for visitors to rest and to enjoy the aircon before heading out into the sun again at the various strategic spots. So we figured that we will bring En to the reserve in Australia in the cooler months so that it will really be an enjoyable trip without the heat!

En's Outing Part 1

Recently I brought En out alone, took a bus to town and brought him to a toy shop and then to the library - satisfying both of us in one trip.

The problem was, En and I were not dressed exactly in the height of fashion.. We just packed and went, and unfortunately the nearest mall happens to be Orchard Road and so En ended up strolling down Orchard Road dressed in home clothes, clutching his toy truck.

It was a fun outing, with En hesitant at first in the crowded bus, and once he warmed up, he was gesturing and saying "There! There!" everywhere we went.

I brought him to The Better Toy Store in Takashimaya, and we simply love the toys there. It is a great place to shop for gifts for all ages, and their wood stuff are the best! If you are looking for unique toys as gifts you just have to check it out! They have anther outlet at Tanglin Mall.

The Price Of Parenthood - Or Lack of..

I thought very long about whether I should write this..

I read through again and again to make sure I am not prejudiced or extreme in my opinion.. though I am sure it is and people will say I am only blogging all these cuz I don't share the same problems. Perhaps, but I am also highly aware, everyday of it, every minute of it, of the price I had paid for having my 2 cute little boys. I used to begrudge it. I am still sometimes angry about it. But with this, I remind myself everyday that we have a price to pay for every choice we make. In economic terms, it is the opportunity cost.

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Well.. what started me thinking was a conversation with a friend who was telling me about her friend who was lamenting to her for some time now, and increasingly all the time, that her friend was trying for a baby but to no avail..

So I asked my friend about the profile of her friend, think this is a professional hazard of me, I need to know more about a person before I can begin to understand where his/ her thoughts are coming from - kinda like putting a person in context.

So the female in question is: 35 yrs old, a high flyer, go-getter career woman, doing extremely well in the marketing sector... and started trying for a baby when she was 33 cuz she decided that now that she is financially stable and established in career, she is now ready to take on parenthood. But parenthood is eluding her. And now she is desperate enough to consider IVF if nothing comes on the radar soon..

And she was lamenting non stop how UNFAIR life was. That she had planned her life such that when she is financially ready and well established in her career and ready to take on parenthood, parenthood is not happening.

This point of view of her got my mind churning. I HEARD tat there are a lot of successful people trying unsuccessfully to have kids... Someone told me that in her office, most women have problems trying to conceive and it is apparently such a high stressed environment that women have to take sabbatical leave to try for a baby (Seriously what is this world coming to?)

There are several ways of looking at this issue of unsuccessfully trying to have kids:

1. Chemical way - blame it on the processed, unhealthy, un-organic food - leading to bad sperm and egg etc

2. Social way - woman more educated, delayed birth, bad work environment and social stress etc

But I will like to offer my thoughts - which probably fall under the category of "Values".

I think we belong to a selfish, greedy and want-it-all generation. It sounds ugly. It IS ugly. It is the ugly faces we wear. And this assessment applies to myself and many people around me. We are it, JUST it.

We come from a generation where many of our parents had bent their backs working- tolling the Protestant Ethic of work to provide a chance for us to excel in life. I see so many of my peers rising from lower income to becoming middle income or even high income earners. We owe that to our parents' hardship. We had that chance because our parents believed in educating us so we have a better chance in this world.

But what happened to us? We think that we have been given are our due and entitlement. I am not saying that we are unfilial. Most of us are, and probably very grateful to our parents for giving us that chance and making who we are today possible.

But it is what we did with our lives and the values that we are corrupted with that had gone wrong. Very Wrong.

Did we inherit the self-sacrificial spirit of our parents?
Did we learn their aptitude and tolerance for hardship and pain?
Did we emulate their sense of stoicism when life is going wrong?

We did not. Not many of us did. I see it everyday around me.
We are mostly a bunch of SELF centered, greedy, take-it-all, want-it-all and self indulgent pigs.

One of the core reasons, I feel, why birth rate is not increasing is because we are selfish. Our generation is selfish and self centered and self obsessed. We do not want to sacrifice whatever good life we have now for interruptions such as having kids.

How many times have you heard friends complain that having kids will cramp their style - less money for themselves, less pampering, less holidays. That is often our first thoughts associated with kids.

How many people do you know work hard to grab more money because they want to ensure that when they have kids, they will still want the same lifestyle as before they have kids?

This mode of working hard is NOT the same as our parents', who worked hard for adequacy and providing what they could for us. Many of the rather high income people I know only have 1 kid or none simply because they claim to have "not enough money to bring up kids". It is not because they have no money, they just do not have ENOUGH money to keep to their preferred lifestyle. That is self-centered-ness and greed!

So we ended up with many people who want to be financially ready and established before kids.
Then the bad news hits.

Some people have the problem that my friend's friend was facing.
Then they blame everyone and everything, except themselves.

We have to recognise that we will have some sacrifices to make for the kids. Is that not the essence of kinship? Why is our generation so against sacrificing for our kids - sacrificing personal time, sacrificing money for self pampering treats, sacrificing ourselves for the betterment of our kids. Why do we want to make sure our needs and wants are met first?

Do we so lack that moral backbone that we only and always think of ME ME ME first?

So, I felt that there is a price for parenthood that we have to pay. And for those who have been trying to have all the money and the career AND then parenthood, then there is a price to pay for that as well.

Greediness is the bane of our existence today. In this flagrant consume it all society we have evolved to, we do not see it. We are being greedy when we want that perfect pay scale, that awesome career and still be parents. Women, especially, are faced with this pressure!

So if we are less greedy, more contented, perhaps, we will have less problems and be happier.
Franky, like my friend and I concluded, we are a bit tired of hearing all those reports of people struggling to have kids, especially if their profile are those of high career achievers who have stalled to have kids. It may sound ugly and nasty and unsympathetic to say it, and a bitter pill to swallow, but it is a choice they have made some years back. Some people step down on career to have kids. Others take sabbatical leave. Then there are stupid people ppl like me who will quit my job to ensure the pregnancy works out well in a stress free environment. These are all choices we make for what is important in our lives.

One cannot want it all - or to accord the same importance to money, career and parenthood. Something's got to give. And unfortunately for those hankering after parenthood after they have satisfied the money and career bit, they have chosen to potentially give away parenthood. To claim unfair-ness and to expect parenthood to smoothly fall into their laps is just greed. And the reality is - these people have to wake up. They simply made the bed that they should lie in, no matter how thorny that bed is.

The Ideal Age Gap

Someone asked my view on the idea age gap between kids now that I have 2.

I dun really have an answer, although I feel that the age gap of 15 mths between En and Xuan is as good as it gets. Though I must qualify that once we get used to the ease of having En when he was 1 year, if I was not already pregnant with Xuan, it will really take a lot of courage to get back into the grind of babyhood again...

And according to Gina Ford, there are distinct advantages + dis-advantages of having kids close to each other, but her most compelling reason, which I never really thought of, was that with 2 kids aged 10-15 mths apart, one can get out of the baby-parenthood in only 3 years, and get back to a wider range of social activities and holidays!! So, there won't be any more night feeds/ waking up in the middle of the night, no need to lug loads of baby stuff whenever we go out, no special baby food to prepare etc etc. And the prospects of being more free in only 3 years is just great! I just kinda need to be chained to the current lifestyle for 3 years!

Of course, the greatest challenge is the the tough hectic life with 2 babies, endless rounds of diapering, feeding, playing etc, but my point is since it will be tough with one kid anyway, having another baby around won't add much of an incremental load, at least the way I look at it. Especially if one already has the logistics worked out, such as having a helper, or a mum/ MIL to help out. The "system" can be maximised with 2 kids.

I find that having 2 babies close together have the following perks:

1. High recycling value of all the baby stuff (and think - f you house needs to be "baby-fied", it will only be about 3 yrs before you can change it around)
2. Recent knowledge of how to handle and feed baby, no need to re-learn everything
3. Almost no sibling rivalry (sibling rivalry supposedly hit worst with the age gap of 18mths - 3 yrs)
4. Common activities catered for kids - reading to both, flash cards activity for both, the same kind of music and TV programs

Of course, the downside is fatigue, fatigue and more fatigue. But with even only En, we are just as tired anyway, so I don't find Xuan much of an additional burden. In fact, I find it much more efficient this time round when we have him.

So if you asked me, yes, a shorter age gap is quite ideal. Although if you ask me some time back, I will be full of apprehension. This is hingsight speaking lah! haha!

That is the thing about parenthood. It is about unchartered territory, which one really has to just do it!!! No one has the right answer for everyone, that is the thing about parenthood!

Mum's Buys and Finds: Parenting Books

As a first time parent some time back, and with virtually none of our friends with kids, I find myself somewhat alone with Baby En. Of course there is husband la, but he is also as clueless as I was about how to manage the baby.

So I turn towards books for information and to make sense of the new world I found myself in. Incidentally, Husband is not a great fan of parenting books, so I ended up reading them myself, and then summarising it for him as we or I talked about the ideas/ concepts proposed by the books. And it helps that for both pregnancies, I had scaled down work such that I have ample time to just read and internalise some of the ideas shared by the books.

I have not read all that there is out there, but here are some that is worth checking out if anyone is keen to read.

But before that, a bit on the mentality of reading parenting books. Parenting books are not bibles. They do not have all the answers and no one book works for all. Parenting books often follow a certain school of thought, e.g. some books are against nursery and childcare from young, others are pro-structured training for kids while others are against structured training for kids. Hence, it follows that some parents end up adopting certain schools of thought or ideas. But it helps to diversify what one is reading so that one gets different ideas and different choices, depending on which fits better with one's circumstances.

I find that some books offer hard facts information, while others provide information on the softer/ the more emotional aspects of parenting. As such, I have categorised them as such:

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Books which offer facts and the various functional aspects of parenting:

1. The Baby Book - William Sears M.D and Martha Sears R.N. This provides a week by week information on how baby is growing, aspects of caring for the baby, illnesses to watch out for and suggested activities for baby's development. I used it as my guide to monitor baby's progress and development. A worth while buy if you asked me cuz I still consult the book now whenever I have a question on babies.

2. Bright Start: Understand and Stimulate Your Child's Development from Birth to 5 Years - Richard C Woolfson. This again provides a month by month milestone on the various aspects of a child's development, including motor skills, social skills, language, emotional development etc. There is also suggested activities at each stage to stimulate your kid appropriately at the relevant point in time.I found it immensely useful to plan for activities and toys for the kids.

3. Super Foods For Babies & Children -Michael van Straten & Barbara Griggs. Useful when planning meals for babies that is moving onto the stage of weaning.

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Books which provide information on the emotional aspects of parenting

1. Raising Boys - Steve Biddulph
2. Complete Secrets of Happy Children - Steve Biddulph
3. The Secrets of Happy Parents - Steve Biddulph

I am a great fan of Steve Biddulph and his ideas on parenting. And it helps that his books are very easy to read, and that I personally agree with most of his ideas on parenting. The great thing about his books is that he recognises the parents and the role of parents very well, and is not purely kid centric. Some parenting books focus so much on what you can do for the kids that they kinda forget that it might be an overkill on the parents.

4. The Contented Toddler Years - Gina Ford. Many parents in Singapore are ardent fans of Gina's books and there are a lot of books of hers offering solutions to parents who have problems with their babies such as sleeping, weaning etc. Gina teaches parents the importance of instilling routine for babies and kids which many parents found useful in managing life with a kid. I consult her book on ways to transit En's routine from baby to toddlerhood.

5. Secrets of the Baby Whisperer - Tracy Hoggs. Recently I started on her books upon reading some reviews on the net, and her book is useful in guiding parents in the art of observation and connecting with your child. Great for men especially I think, and for those who want to learn more about observing and hence harnessing the power of observation in one's interactions with kids.

Recently, I have started to read up on the Montessori education and training for kids in deliberating the kind of education for En's pre-school years, and will share more once I have anything to share.

Hope the list is a useful start for those keen to read on parenting philosophy.

Our Precious

Here is a clip on Xuan Xuan.. and dubbed with many celebrity's favourite lullaby "宝贝" for their kids.

We have been searching and searching for the album, and are so glad when we finally found it.
So I have been playing and singing it to Xuan Xuan often now.

Toga and En's Hair Cut

Well, for a sneak preview of how nice Togas can be for graduation, I have En dressed in an old cloth much like the toga... though I forgot that I should have allowed it to slant over one bare shoulder to make it more toga like!

Although, in reality, I am just preparing En for his haircut. I am practising cutting kids' hair in preparation for my retirement job, hek hek! So here is En in an old pillow case, cut open to resemble a robe. Looks cools right?

But not so cool after his hair cut, when En started crying a bit when he realised I am snipping his hair off!!

En's Initation to College Green - Rudolph in Spring

My niece and nephews growing up in College Green often have "badges" of bruises here and there, a testimony of the active lifestyle they lead, and the amount of mischief they are up to.

Just some months back, Bing Bing (who is 6 months older than En) had hurt his nose when he fell, resulting in a bruised red nose. It was a rather cute bruise which I could not help smiling at whenever I saw him.

And barely 2 months after we move into College Green, En was finally "initiated" into the falling culture of College Green too. He fell on the basketball court while chasing after a ball.

It started innocently enough, faint red bruises on his nose, barely discernible - but still, we immediately took photos of this first bruises of his, and in College Green - aside from the huge mosquitoes bites. He looked a bit like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, arriving in Spring haha! And we all have a good laugh.

















And then, on the next day, we were surprised that the bruises got a bit darker, really obvious now.

















And on the 3rd Day, the bruises looked downright nasty. And I brought him out shopping along Orchard road looking like that - quite funny actually. Oh, and on that note, he was really well behaved when I brought him to the library, he even helped me picked up my fallen books and put them back on the shelf - that is the power of Montessori training I think. More on that next time. Been doing my reading and research on Montessori education.

















Of course, it must have been painful when he fell. But in a crazy sense, I am very proud of this little mark on his nose (Of course, I don't think it will be permanent la!). And the photos are valuable, I mean no point all photos of him looking cute right? Photos like these have greater meaning and value I feel. And I am proud of the bruises because it kinda show that he is one tough active boy, and undaunted by the falls and trouble he occasionally gets into. ...

See his cheeky look in the photo below - You think he looked scared meh?! I am sure there are more mischief to come lor!! I just love his spirit man!

小猪猪 and Bimbo Mum

Here is Xuan Xuan in his usual sleeping post... peacefully sleeping away in la-la-land. If you go near and peer at him, sometimes he will open his eyes, shocking you into thinking you have awaken him, but he will then close his eyes, and give you an enchanting smile, and snuggle back to dreamland again (now you know why he inspires me to compose Odes about his smiles).

That is what I call real SWEEeeeeT! And the opening eye bit has something to do with REM sleep, which is supposed to be good for developing short-term memory, and the Non-REM sleep is useful in helping babies to grow their brains, to grow in general, and develop long term memory.

So I think Hubby and I need to learn REM sleep to enhance our short term memory.
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More on choosing a school for En. Choosing a school is like buying a flat these days, dozen of questions to ask, from the content, to the environment, to the teachers, the other students, and even the meals if you want.

But I have some bimbo considerations:

1. What is the uniform of the school? Back in our days, not much choice, PAP kindergarten kids all look the same.. boring blue pinafore with red tie, though that is nostalgic to me. But if given a choice, i think En looks good in red or green.. any school with those colours?

2. How many school trips do they take a year? I think school trips are such fun, so it will be good if school offers more school trips.

3. Can wear own shoes or not? I dunno if childcare centre offer shoes as part of their uniform?

4. What toys does the school have? Then En can enjoy himself like he does at home too!

Think I a bit bimbo. While I was looking for other centres, I keep finding myself wondering what types of school uniform are offered by the various centres. Then again, for boys, what else can they wear besides shirt and pants? Maybe they can wear toga - ala the Greek philosophers. Cool right? Little boys and gals running around in white togas - which allows maximum freedom of movement, and the little gals can have tiaras of flower on their heads to differentiate them.

Now that i think about it, I think graduation photo should be taken in toga robe - look more scholarly mah. After all, Greeks are known for their ancient language and wealth of knowledge no?

Now that is a thought, I think En will look so very cute in a toga robe. Think I will do my own version of his graduation photo next time, not those stiffy blue robe with square box hat - yawn!

A 2 Year Waiting List?!!

Despite having numerous toys, and having the outdoors to roam, it is still really a handful to manage a rambunctious En at home.. He just seems to have boundless energy which can be sapping to all looking after him.


So once again, I assessed if I should consider sending him to school sometime.. I still don't think he is ready for school yet, but as his cousin Bing Bing will soon be going to school, I thought I will check out the various types of centres available.

So I was in for a shock when I sent my inquiry to L/O Montessori, and the response I got was that they are closed for registration currently, and that they have a 1.5 to 2 years Wait List

What?!!! Why schools for little kids these days have such long waitlist, machiam like people queuing for flats back in the 70s!!! Duh!!

And I am not even thinking about the usual big brand names schools lor. I just heard that L/O is quite good and since it is rather near our place, so I thought it will be good to have that checked out.

And now, I am a tad worried.. how not to be Kia-Su in such environment huh.. and a 2yrs waitlist sound ridiculous, by the time it is En's turn, he will be like 4 / 5 yrs old already lor, quite past the age of what the school can do for him lor.

So while I still do not intend to send En to school for another 6 months, I figured I betta go check out the other centres that I am thinking of.. for all we know, they have as much waitlist or worst.. duh. And I hate this Kia-su Manifestation.. but it seems like 人在江湖, 身不由己.

Still, I resolved not to be a Kia-Su parent. Will just try my best and do what is needed.. I still think the situation in Sg is really quite ridiculous. It makes me feel like Alice, just landed in Wonderland.

Why Have Kids?

Was reading Blinkymummy's recent posts on parenthood, which fired my reflection process on why I/ we have kids... especially when I agree with her point that it is not everyone's innate right to have kids.

Is it my will?
Or did I just go with the flow - ala that is what most married people do anyway?

And I am surrounded by numerous friends who do not want kids.
One person said she is afraid to bring kids to this world because our world is becoming a worst place to stay. Why bring them in to let them suffer a worst fate than us?

Many feel that they are not ready for parenthood.

And I also heard from a close friend who thinks that having kid is a manifestation of how good a wife you are, something that falls under a Good wife portfolio, whether you like it or not.

I love kids, and Hubby loves kids.
Having our kids as part of our married live always seem like a natural thing to do. We did not discuss whether we will be good parents, although I already think that he will be a very good father. Not that sure about myself then and now, but I know I will have MANY adjustments to make with kids around.

So we just kinda went along to have kids. That is, until the mis-carriage occurred.

I think that is the turning point, cuz with the loss, then I became very sure that I want kids.

Kids are one of those "things" (for a lack of better noun), which one won't miss if one does not have it, but once one has committed to having kids, one can never imagine a life without kids. The wonder and joy they bring are not something that the non-kids people can understand. The dynamics that one goes through with kids bring a lot of growth and enrichment to one's life.

I agree with Blinkymummy that some people are just not cut out for parenthood, but I also believe in the will and power to change, and that parenthood is a choice. Once one has made that choice, one also makes a lot of other choices which complement the advent of parenthood. Urm - kinda like if you do not have a kid, then perhaps divorce or walking out is one's personal choice.

But once one has made a choice to have kids, then one has also kinda made the complementing choice that divorce is not one's personal choice anymore. Subtle choices and changes like these.. these are what parents/ parents to be have to be conscious of. I am not saying one then has to be stuck with a louse of a husband if events turn out that way, but that when we become parents, we take on additional commitment and responsibility. We have to recognise that and work that in our lives accordingly.

Still the reason to have kids is still unknown. In an abstract way, it could be a stage development thing for the relationship, kinda the result of relationship evolving. sigh, it is a tough question to answer indeed...

You are Born With a Special Smile

Specially dedicated to my lovely Xuan Xuan,
Who flashes his lovely smile at all times - awake and in sleep, day and night..
Since you were born, you have only bestowed us your lovely smiles
Brightening up our days, cheering up our hearts and lifting up our spirits. When I see your special smile...

You are Born With a Special Smile

You are born with your special smile,
Warming the hearts of those around.
I am so glad you are here,
To chase away my fears and tears.

How angelic is your toothless grin,
Into your world I long to sink.
To be embraced in your innocence,
Blessed with the kind of joy I have never known.

Into this complex world you bring,
Your radiant smile, full of sheen.
The magic that only you can cast,
Thugs my heartstrings with a blast!

Please dun ever lose your smile,
It is a precious gift of yours..
Dun let the world rob you of that,
May the glory of your smile never fade

I am not Papa!!

I am amused and upset by Baby En - as usual. He always upset people, but also making one laugh a lot in the process.

According to the developmental stages laid out in the health book, En should be able to articulate several words by now, including Papa and Mummy. Well, we have given En a longer timeline, as we all know that boys develop slower compared to girls, and while En knows who Papa, Mummy, Gong Gong, Ye ye, Po Po, Nai Nai and aunt and a whole host of who these people are, he just refuse to call me Mummy.

An attempt to get him to call me Mummy typically runs like this:

Mummy: Call me Mummy, En en?
En: *Shakes his head* and continues with what he is doing
Mummy: Mummy, call me mummy? I give you cookie?
En: Papa!!!!
Mummy: *DUH!!!!!* *faint*

Why does my son call me Papa?! Other times he may say Mum, but that is more for food!
And for many times, whenever I ask him to call me Mummy, he will shake his head and call me Papa! And yet, he calls my hubby Papa too! DUH!!!

So I have these few theories on why he calls me Papa!

Theory 1: I am always seen with Papa, ala like Papa's woman, so he feels that Papa and me are the same kind of entity. So we are generically known as Papa to him. But the flaw with this theory is that if you ask him where is Mummy, En will come and look for me..

Theory 2: He thinks that Mum-my is too closely associated with food, his mum-mum, so he refuses to call me with a food moniker.

So I am a tad upset with him, though I keep running him through the above conversations, the results are always the same. He will either shake his head, or call me Papa, or both.

I dunno what to make of it. If anyone can, tell me!

The Question of Time

Someone asked me the question of where I find time to do yoga and watch movie.. now with 2 kids in tow..

I don't have time
I am sleep deprived!
And Hey, it all rhymes, hahaha!

Seriously, it is a matter of prioritisation and learning to let go. It is also about self preservation.

I abide by the principle that I must look after myself well in order to look after babies well.

So yoga helps me relieve stress and rejuvenate myself. It is now critical to my sense of well being. So time out for that is essential, especially when I want to just breathe on my own..

Was just watching Supernanny on Arts Central - and from past series, one thing I observed was that parents who are stressed out damaged their kids the most - they end up screaming, losing control of situations and impose their frustrations on their kids. When that happens, they screw up their kids. Really.

This mum in today's episode is clearly stressed out - she has 3 boys, all energetic and more than a handful. In Europe, no such thing as maid, so can you imagine trying to juggle housework, kids and the mess left behind by the kids.

It seems like a suicide mission to me. And no wonder the mum ended up verbally abusive and emotionally harsh to her kids.

So by making sure we take care of ourselves emotionally and physically well, I think, we will be better parents for our kids by being in control of ourselves, our emotions and the situations.

I also believe in quality time with kids. Ever witness kids who were trying to get parents' attention, while the parent may be physically with the kids, but emotionally or mentally they are elsewhere, such as chatting with friends, SMS-ing, emailing, or reading papers etc? In such situation, while one is with kid, the time spent with kid is still zero, as they have not engaged the kid.

So while i cop time out for myself, when I am with En or Xuan, for that period of time, I make sure I am really with them. Either talking to them, reading with them, playing their toys with them, or anything that they want me to do. Even when En is waching VCD while I am with him, we will hold hands while I sing along with the program, or swing him up and down according to the show.

So I dun do the Maths on time. I do the quality on time. And I make sure I do spend time with them.. and hence, no guilt whatsoever when i sneak time out to do my own reading, or spacing out or activities I enjoy. Because in my absence, I know that someone else is spending their quality time with my babies. And that is good enough for me.

It is always a choice, how comfortable and how confident you are to let go, and have some breathing space for yourself. And I think, for long term survival and sanity, the answer is clear :)

Kia - Si

I did something totally outta character the other day.

I thought the Rooster (Baby En's Chinese horoscope) clash with the 太岁 this year (i.e. all the bad things will happen), and went to temple to pray for the evil things to go away.

End up the rooster never clash with 太岁 this year! Wrong info feed. But the Chinese chart instead, indicated that there are a lot of bad stars for the Rooster this year. So the lady suggested I pray for each of the bad star to drive them away.

So 30 bucks flew outta my wallet. Now, we practise a religion that believe strongly in Karma and the importance of working oneself to reach the state of Nirvana. And a lot of such superstitions do not apply to us, after all, half are determined by one's Karma and the other by one's efforts in practicing the religion.

So I did the totally irrational thing by doing this in the temple for Baby En. For one, it is not our religion. For another, I already know the importance of Karma in our lives, well that is our faith and I strongly believe in it.

So why would i do such a thing - I concluded that I Kia- si (afraid of death). Fear is a powerful thing, and in this case, I rather play it safe for the kids. Now I can't imagine my life without my kids.

And it made me think how I will need to rationalise my relationship with the kids. It is like I always thought we should be prepared that the boys will leave us for other things one day. It is only a matter of time. But it seems that I may end up a clingy mum still.. which I will hate myself to be.

Kids are really strange stuff.. I am not a very maternal person, but still kids motivate me to do quite a fair bit of things. It is almost like having kids make you want to be a better person for them. Something like when one first started falling in love, stretching oneself with the desire to do all kinds of stuff for the babies.

So I find myself falling in love again, with my babies, but with this comes fear as well. Much like in a relationship, the fear of loss. And I need to know how to cope with such feelings. I am still searching.. this month's Simply Her has an article on Strong Women who cope with loss of their kids, I am stalling to read it, cuz these days, such articles made me weep. I was reading about how a mum cope with her Down kid some time back and ended up crying, it is almost as if I can feel the pain and anguish.

Again, I think parenthood and a parent's love for his/ her child is universal and it transcends all the boundaries that divide the human race. And until one becomes a parent, one cannot empathise with some of those feelings. It is almost as of becoming parents opens up another world, one which we will have much to learn about and to adjust to. Parenthood is challenging, but I think we will all come out stronger for that. This, I believe.

I HATE Breastfeeding...

So Here Goes, as Promised. And even if I get flamed for this entry, so be it. Flame me!
There are so many evangelists of breastmilk mums out there. I cannot fight them all, but I just want to share my experience and perspective.

So Breastmilk (BM) is the best and Formula Milk (FM) is the ultra low second class substitute.
But in a sense, i wonder if it is all a matter of marketing and hype.

The Social Historical context

In the 70s, FM was touted as the best, it was recommended and endorsed by doctors. Beyond that, it was also a symbol of wealth, only those who cannot afford it will drink breastmilk. So drinking free BM is like not being able to afford the best for your kid.

Fast forward now to the millennium - Breastmilk is touted as THE BEST. It has all those stuff that FM dun have, some research showing that Breastfed kids are more intelligent, BM helps prevent numerous allergies and illnesses etc etc. All the laurels that are heaped on BM these days are endless, leaving all mums in distress if our babies do not drink BM.

So did the goodness of milk change over time? Or has the definition of good milk changed?

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The Paradox in The Production of BM

In order to produce more BM, one has to feed or express every 2 hours, in order to stimulate the milk flow and to tell our brain the amount of BM we need. It is a demand and supply issue, the lesser times you latch the baby on or pump, your brain will decode it as no need to work so hard to produce breastmilk.

Yet, there are other factors affecting the production of breastmilk, most critically, having adequate rest and not to be stressed.

New mum, with a new baby - how not to be stressed?
And if you can't sleep more than 2 hours for day and night, or even if the feed is 3 hours apart, can get enough rest meh? Not enuf rest and highly stressed, then how?!

If i think rest is important, and I sleep through the night from 12 - 6, then I will have missed 3 feeds, and BM supply will drop = not enough milk to meet baby'e need, then how?

If I pump every 2 hrs, but no rest, also end up not enough milk to feed baby!! How!!

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Conveniences of BreastFeeding - A myth

Many conveniences were attributed to Breastfeeding as opposed to bottle feeding.
E.g. Save $$ on bottles, no need to wash and sterilize bottles.

But my 2/3/4 hour apart feeding and pumping experience was total inconvenience.
Short of being chained to the baby 24/7, I can't do much else as I am always in a rush home to feed or to pump. And stress is no good (see earlier point).

So all of one's activities have to include baby then or else cannot do anything. Die lah.
But yet, all the psychologists will counsel stressed and depressed mum the importance of ME-time. And that it is important for couple to have time away from baby - how to do that when you are on a 2-3 hour curfew? So rushed and scared that not in time to go home feed baby, where got mood to do what?!!!

So contradicting right!! So in the real world, breastfed mummies are just chained to the baby, period. How convenient is that really!

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Quality of BreastMilk - Questionable

While many laurels are piled on BM, sometimes we seem to forget that quality BM needs certain conditions to be in place.

Studies have shown that a mum's emotions can affect the babies through Breastfeeding and breastmilk. The diet of the mum is also instrumental in ensuring quality breastmilk.

So, if the emotional condition of the mum is not ideal, e.g. stressed, frustrated, esp. when the mum returns to work, can the BM still be superior? Won't all the bad vibes go into the milk at all?

And if the mum does not monitor the diet closely, again when she goes back to work and eat junk (as we all are apt to do), then how can the BM be superior?

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Hence my conclusion is - DO your best and then supplement if need be. Especially for babies with jaundice, pls do not forcefeed the issue of breastfeeding, there are dire consequences, see my personal experience and others.

As in all things, we know when we have tried our best. If I have woken up every 2 hours to pump and feed and my supply is still not enough to stock the fridge, not enough it will be.

Do not undermine my formula fed baby. BECAUSE the effort that I spent pumping is no less than other mothers. I recently watched a program on parenthood on Channel 8, where the mum featured has a fridge full of breastmilk, I was watching that while I was expressing my pathetic 90ml per pump BM, I felt really demoralised and depressed. I told Hubby seated beside me that by virtue of that show, I should stop.

Cuz the same efforts that I put in to pump yielded so much less output. Such programs make breastfeeding seem so easy. And they cast unrealistic expectations and pressure on the mums. But i know I am smarter than to fall for such marketing gimmicks / propaganda

But I am continuing to feed and pump till now still, because on the day that I stop breastfeeding or pumping totally, I want to be able to say with a clear conscience that, "Baby, Mummy has really tried my best to provide you with the best". And baby will just have to live with that and be happy with or even be proud of that. Because he will also learn that in this world, the effort to try and persevere, is a greater virtue than just looking at results and outputs. Let's not be that shallow.

With this, I rest my case, and in the near future, rest my pump.

My Kind of Man - Revised Edition

I dunno since when, but I think my definition of my kind of man and what is a sexy man, has changed.。。

Now of course, I am not talking about the physical looks of men - what is a good looking man for me has always been quite consistent, I mean, physical looks is something that can be objectively defined, the heart/ my heart is not involved.

There is such a thing as a good looking man that most people will agree with - for me, that is the Orlando Bloom lookalike, chiselled jawline, wavy hair and with a quiet sexy scholarly kinda air/ aura about him, much like Ken Watanabe.. that has never changed.

But, beyond physical looks, I think my definition of my kind of man has changed...

Some time back, I saw Hubby scolding Baby En for his mischief - stern, uncompromising, and firm.. gosh, I was really awed and impressed. I like that quality of firmness in a man. And I find the way he scolded Baby was darn sexy lor..

And then recently, I saw NJ's cousin diapering his son - again very impressed lor. A successful man at work diapering his son, and I mean, the way he did it quite manly lor.

So I think I like what the men have liked for ages: the illusive 出得了厅堂， 进得了厨房的女人。

I like the male version of that: 出得了厅堂， 进得了儿房的男人。 The sensitive, sexy family man. Wow, I likez man!

男人啊， 你们要加油哦！

Smiley Xuan & The Ang Baos Aftermath

王见王 - here we have a cute Xuan Xuan smiling at our friend who is holding him for the first time. Somehow the phrase "王见王" came into my mind when I saw this pic.




















And what happened to All the angbaos the babies received?En and I have a fun time cutting out the pictures that he like and paste them into a picture. Talk about recycling - not too bad as a first attempt yah?!

Obselete-ness

Last night, our friends dropped by for a gathering, and it took quite a bit of preparation and cooperation on all fronts to ensure that En did not cry too much nor create too much chaos with his wails..

All in all, if we ease him in with the visitors slowly and gradually, he is quite fine. Think we just have to let him practice more so that he will warm up to strangers more easily.

There were some very interesting conversations between the adults and Baby En, but the best has to be the following:

Scenario 1:

Baby En peering into Aunt Robee's laptop and pressing the keys while Mummy was trying to crack the WEP code for our wireless access for Aunt Robee to log on.

Uncle BH: "You do not need to learn that (the laptop), by the time you grow up, it will be obsolete..."

Baby En: *bo chap*

Scenario 2:

Baby En eating the bits of BBQ chicken that mummy is feeding him...

Uncle BH walked by and remarked: "You do not need to learn that (referring to the chicken), by the time you grow up, it will also be obsolete!" ...
And BH later explained that with the bird flu and the killing of the infected chicken, when En grows up, "there will be no more chickens left"

Baby En: *happily eating his chicken*

Scenario 3:

Later in the evening, the adults were getting ready for some BlackJack Action, and Daddy took out the stack of erotic poker cards that Aunt Robee and Uncle BH got us from Greece.. as Baby En looked on in anticipation..

Uncle BH: "This (referring to the erotic poses printed on the cards), you must learn, as it will NOT be obsolete when you grow up'
Baby En: *looking excited*

While it seemed really funny at that point, later upon reflection, I find that what I thought was pure-corniness, actually has a lot of sense in it.

By the time En grows up, a lot of things will be obsolete - the laptop will be evolved to a more powerful gadget probably; the chickens may be extinct (very valid point with the bird flu)..

But some age old things will remain - and ironically, yes, nudity and eroticism will remain highly relevant still - see how the Karma Sutra has survived the test of time, and given new lease of life with interpretation in countless languages and even updated with visuals.. as I recalled seeing some version in bookstore with images..

So I am very impressed with how BH's seemingly off-handed and corny remarks seem to make a lot of sense actually.. Really quite a refreshing perspective!!

CNY photos Galore

Just realised that CNY is a good time to take photos - babies are best dressed and "well coiffed up", otherwise most photos are taken in their home clothes, a bit dak glam (i.e.unglam)!

En recently started posing for the camera, in a very funny way. He would come up very close to the camera, and looked up into the lens grinning cheekily. If the photographer is fast enough, it is possible to take a very nice picture of him grinning, albeit with a rather large head as he was peering very closely into the lens. Like the one below...

So here is En and Me - many said En looks at me, now you can decide for yourself..

As for Xuan Xuan, he is a charmer alright with his very infectious smiles..
We have never really been able to capture him smiling and finally manage to do so at CNY, but not very glamorous either, with his handkerchief featuring prominently as daddy was trying to burp him. Can you spot his dimples?!!

And I just love his adoring gaze.. simply charming...

Dionysus Versus Apollo

I was quite looking forward to CNY and visiting with my 2 boys..
Now, 1 day into CNY and we are all shagged out and dreading all the future visits already.

Why? Cuz on day 1, for the entire day, in addition to seeing relatives that we have not seen for the longest time, we also witnessed the staging of Dionysus versus Apollo.

Make a guess who is who..

En was the one inciting all the chaos, hence, playing the role of Dionysus.

He cried and wailed whenever he visited a relative's place, and would not let any relatives near him. It was almost like there is a circle insulating him from the rest of the world. Step beyond that threshold and his wails began. He was really the drama boy, and we are all v shagged from carrying him, pacifying him, distracting him; all in all, creating quite a bit of chaos wherever he went. Thankfully after the 1st visit, we figured out the strategy (see my earlier post on the importance of strategy) - to bring his toys along and to get him settled into a place playing before having too many relatives crowd around him. So he was a tad better at my aunt's place, and with cousin Skyy to play with him and all. But still wailing away whenever someone approached.

In contrast, Xuan seemed so like the paragon of virtue. Almost like the golden boy, hence, Apollo.

He mostly slept, laid on the bed and moved his arms and legs, cooed to people who spoke to him, occasionally flashing his dimples when he bestow a smile on the adoring audience.

The 2 cannot be anymore different. Gee.

Anyway.. the start of CNY was a good one.
My family and us have an outdoor steamboat dinner at College Green.

And the weather helped by raining heavily for the whole evening, and then stopping just before we start our dinner.

So we have steaming hot steamboat in the drafty outdoors. Shiok. It is like eating 麻辣 hotpot in winter, or Korean Kao-Bi (Barbeque pork) in winter...

Too bad the first day of CNY turned out much more than we expected. Well, at least it is memorable, for everyone. Leave a lasting impression? I am sure Baby En did.

One of My Best Friends Wants To...

MARRY BABY XUAN!!

Yes! So Mag said, when she came over to visit... that when Xuan grows up, she wants to marry him. WAh!!

She said she likes Xuan's eyes (the long slitted double eyelids which look like single eyelids), and his high nose, which helped her to conclude that he will grow up to be one handsome boy...

So I said I will put her name at the top of the application list and I promise I will not be an evil mother in law! HAHAHA!

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Many have commented, after 1 look at Xuan, that he has high nose.

Which till now I still dunno if that is the same as having a sharp nose?

But apparently, having a high nose is good. So well, good to have I guess.

My problem is how high is considered high. Have they seen babies with "low" nose then? The unanimous comments upon many's first look at Xuan, that he has very high nose, left me very puzzled.

So I spent one afternoon just looking at him from the side and taking pics of his side profile. High meh? You think? I still dunno...

Xuan Xuan's First Fever & 后天的努力

Brought the 2 boys to take their jabs the other day;

En to take his chickenpox jab and his Hep B booster; talking about chickenpox reminded me of Bak Chew's adult chickenpox horror, (read here) -- if kids are immunised against chickenpox now, and then kena chickenpox during adult stage maybe cuz by the the immunisation wore off already, will it be equally bad? Gee, I forgot to ask Doc that!! But Alas the deed is done..

Xuan took his MMR, measles, rubella and dunno what, maybe Mumps?

Even though both babies took their fever medication for preventative measure, Xuan still kena fever. Sigh.

Think Xuan maybe not as strong as En, En did not have fever back then, and Hubby's point was Xuan drink more breastmilk also like not as strong as En. So i can stop breastfeeding liao.

My argument is maybe Xuan's natural body constitution not so good, so must have 后天的补充 and 努力. The nature versus nurture battle, maybe Xuan needs more nurturing (ala through the magical breastmilk lor) to be stronger.

Still he is definitely a bigger baby than En at the same point in time.
Half a kilo heavier, but 1 cm shorter. Considering that Xuan was born half a kilo lighter than En, his progress is then more than En lor - THAT IS WHY MUST HAVE 后天的努力! Maybe this proves that post birth nurturing more important than what nature has provided yeah?!

So continue to breastfeed I must.

I been meaning to write about my battle with breastfeeding, but my 2 hr free time away from breastfeeding block has not allowed me much time to pen it all down, but I promise I will blog my very controversial perspective on breastfeeding, even though I am still a slave to it.

I mean, its like my mind rebels against it, but my heart urged me to go one for fear of consequences. Eh.. in a sense, it like akeen to being religious/ being superstitious, sometimes you know some rites are silly, your mind rebels against it, but the fear of going to hell or purgatory just keep you in line.

I am like that now, and it is a BAD place to be in - exactly - between a rock and the hard place. Darn. It is time to pump again! sigh.

The art of Strategizing is Critical to Parenting

En seems to be adjusting well to our new home, with the exception of the bathrooms. And it really took some strategizing to overcome this tricky new problem..

For some unknown reason to date, En has been kicking up a major tantrum during his bath, refusing to let us bath him at all. And put up a mighty resistance he did. He screamed and wailed all through the bath and continued for quite some time after. That went on for the 2 days when he was home (before that we put him at the nanny's so that we can all focus on unpacking)...

For a boy who loves water and sprinklers, it seems really strange.

Quite spooky actually, and if we have not done our usual religious stuff with the house, I will be quite spooked with his extreme reactions to both bathrooms in the house.
So to eliminate all causes, we asked Super Nanny to come over and see if En really disliked the bathroom or he just started to dislike bathing with the maid (Babies can be so fickle). In any case, Nanny and her family been missing En and came specially to visit the 1st weekday that En did not go over. She chided that we did not give her adequate notice period for her to prepare herself that En is no longer gonna be in her care... Quite upset she really was. So we decided that we will place En with her every Saturday so we can continue to do our marketing at the great Chinatown market, en route from her place. And we think it will be great for En to continue growing amidst her warm and joyous family and her kids..

Back to the bath, so even Super nanny could not get En to bath without crying. Perhaps he was not used to the new place, we all rationalise. He would go into the bathroom to watch Xuan bathing, but when it is his turn to bath, he cried heaven and earth... So its not the bathroom per se. It is Him not wanting to bath in both the bathrooms. Ok, so that is the problem, now the solutioning begins..

So while musing about how to tackle this thorny issue, I walked En over to his cousin's place, thinking to borrow some bubbles solution to lure him into the bathroom as Hubby suggested. While playing with his cousin's toy, he was fascinated with a Bert and Elmo waterwheel. So we borrowed that as well thinking it might come in handy - that is the one sitting in at the end of the bath tub.


And voila it worked. After a stenunous morning bath, where we still have to stuggle with his reluctance to bath, my mum and Melanie were able to bath him without crying in the evening, but that is after going through lots of distraction using a combination of the bubbles, his usual water toys, and leveraging on his fascination with the Bert and Elmo waterwheel. And the key lies in focussing his attention on play rather than on the bath. And so we have kept that toy deliberately in the bathroom so that En could only play with it during bath time.

Sometimes, I think parenting requires a lot of strategizing and the keen ability to know when and how to offer the right props/ incentives. Like I lamented to En after his first wailing bath, I do not have the answer as to why he cries so hard during bath when he loves to take baths! All the baby books could not provide me with that answer. However, we will have to devise strategies how to overcome the problem. There are tonnes of other problems which require strategizing, such as overcoming the night feed so that baby will sleep through he night, getting baby to travel in the car seat, getting babies to differentiate between night and day, getting babies to like food etc..

So now I am beginning to think that parenting trains one to be a brilliant strategist. And related to that is patience, which is the other key to success and victory. One must have the patience to try various strategies and to analyse the next steps should a particular strategy fail. Well, then again, parenting has never been for the weak yeah! haha.

En's Hair Cut

Today En and I had an exciting time - We had our first hair cut out in the deck!

See EN's new hair cut - much as we will like to keep his hair long, like the androgynous Japanese kids, but En had a bit of heat rash since moving here, think he played too much out in the outdoors.

Coupled with En's phobia of washing hair, and his recent antagonistic attitude towards the toilets in the new house (more on that later), we decide to keep his hair short under the advise of his nanny.

So, together with many of En's toys, and my mum and Melanie, who were the distractors, I cut En hair shorter on all fronts. Not too bad ya for a first attempt?

En always cried when he has his hair cut, but today he did not, perhaps it is cuz we are not in a hair salon? or perhaps, my mum and Melanie were very good distractors. Or maybe it is my special signature No More Tears Treatment heehee. All in all, it was a very pleasant and rewarding experience. After the cut, we all have a very good hearty laugh at En as he looked very cute and funny with this new cut..

Ad the best part was, with the hair all over the deck, we just hose the hair away.. no hassle at all! :)

Mum's Buy and Find - The Solution To Hands Free Pumping

Thanks to Jaja, who lent me her Ameda Dual Pump, expressing milk this time round is more time efficient and less frustrating..

Also, well, for mums who are keen to breastfeed for long, I strongly recommend a dual pump, not only because it saves time, but also I feel the stimulation from pumping and generation of milk volume is better. I tried a single pump before and now with the dual pump, I can really see the difference.

But the problem with dual pump is I can't do anything else while pumping, cuz both hands will be occupied. Well, like with mobile phones, I figured there has to be a hands free solution. If not, Jaja suggested we should come up with one and patent it. haks!

And then, I chanced upon these wonderful pump accessories on Mum's Fairy. The Pumpin' Pal Hands Free set now made it possible for me to read, to blog during the half hour of pumping. And when Val (the lady managing the online store) delivered the items to me. she told me that the hands free allowed her to pump while driving! Amazing. And this works with the most pumps from what I read.

Then there is their star Product of the Super Shield, which really helped to alleviate the soreness of pumping.



Great finds, and not pricy at all (about 30 plus per item).

So now, I can blog while I pump.. no more staring into nothing and just doing mental gymnastics while pumping, heee.

A Glowing/ Growing Boy

It is so nice to look at Xuan Xuan..


These days, En is at his nanny's place while we clean up the place, and it also gave me some time to spend quiet moments with Xuan Xuan..

And when En is home he kinda dominates our attention; with our concern over him falling as we see him toddling unsteadily on his feet, and his funny antics getting our attention.

So I appreciate these moments with Xuan. I am trying to find time in between all the feeds and the pumping to exercise and for massage, but it has been tough - I feel I am perpetually in a rush.

Hubby suggest that perhaps I should stop breastfeeding. . and take the time to enoy more time with En and Xuan and also to do things that I like. His argument was that En did not have as much breastmilk back then as he refused to latch around this time and my expressed milk started dwindling when he stopped latching.. And he turns out ok on formula milk...

This time round, I feed Xuan a lot more breastmilk, and the volume was more each time as well.. but it is so hard to stop..

One of those guilt traps - with all the good stuff we know about breastmilk and the hype, are we depriving our kid and being irresponsible when we stop just to make our lives easier? I find it hard to stop.. the last time even with the ever diminishing milk volume, it took me 2 weeks before I can totally harden myself to stop totally... let's see how it goes now.. but more breathing space ll be gd.. I want to do my YOGA!!!